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Grandparents at hospital after birth

(60 Posts)
Mum2b2020 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:05:20

I told my mum that my husband and I want to be alone at the hospital and that she and my dad and sister can come visit when we are back in our house. Now she is trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind and saying that most people allow grandparents to the hospital.

I've told her if all goes well I might only be there 6 hours or so before I go home and that I might feel differently if I had to stay in 5 days.

What's the consensus? Do 'most grandparents' visit their daughters /grandchildren in hospital after the birth?

Bert2020 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:08:06

My mum did, 15 minutes away and I had been in 5 days before dd born. PIL didn’t because they live 2 hours away so waited until we came home. Do what you want to do, it’s you that’s giving birth.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:10:40

Some do, some don't, but they only thing that matters is what you and your husband want. It boggles my mind how do many people make demands on new parents. Your mother needs to wind her neck in and be supportive.

firstimemamma Fri 14-Feb-20 17:13:00

Even if "most people did", you'd still be well within your right to do as you please. I wouldn't give in to her if I were in your shoes.

We didn't have any visitors until about a week and a half, despite only staying in hospital for one night. We just wanted the first few days at home just the 3 of us. No-one batted an eyelid and even if anyone would've said anything, I'd have stood my ground.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Fri 14-Feb-20 17:15:03

It’s about what YOU want, not your parents or even your husband. You’re the one giving birth and it’s important that your needs are respected. Too many women let others make them feel guilty and bulky them into doing things when they’re at their most vulnerable. Make your decision and don’t let anyone guilt trip you.

Newgirls Fri 14-Feb-20 17:16:35

I think she’s got an old fashioned idea based on when women stayed in for days. Now there is no reason as most of us are home in a day or two! Maybe point that out that it’s different. I guess she loves the ‘drama’ of it all but really it’s not kind .or helpful to new parents

AJPTaylor Fri 14-Feb-20 17:16:59

With all 3 of mine, in laws arrived beaming at the start of visiting time. Brought flowers, told me I was brilliant, held and cooed over baby, had photo taken. Left at exactly 20 mins with a cheery "let us know when you are settled at home".
That's how in laws should be.

mynameiscalypso Fri 14-Feb-20 17:17:35

Agree that it's totally about what you want. We did have grandparents (and aunts/uncles) on both sides visit us in hospital on the day that DS was born. To be honest, I was a bit bored as DS was mainly asleep for the first day or so and I was very glad of the company and for other people to gaze at the sleeping baby and tell me how gorgeous he was. Plus my brother brought me a massive chocolate brownie.

Spied Fri 14-Feb-20 17:23:15

I felt bullied into it by pils and dp guilt tripped me into allowing them into the ward after DS was born. If I had my time again I'd be strong and say no.
My own Mum and Dad knew I wanted them to visit when we were home and respected my wishes despite feeling a little left-out off things (they later admitted).

thistimelastweek Fri 14-Feb-20 17:24:17

I don't know what most people do and it's neither here nor there. Sometimes you have to do it your way.
But, this is the precious child of a loved child. She will be champing at the bit and one day you will see it from that pint of view too.

auslass Fri 14-Feb-20 17:26:41

I'm the same, I only want my husband at the hospital. I personally just don't want to have people "waiting around" for me to give birth. I think it will only make me anxious.

I told my mum that and she wasn't pleased, but what option does she have. She'll get a call saying the baby is here and to come visit.

It's your birth, do it your way.

London91 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:27:42

I've told my DP already that I don't mind our parents coming to the hospital, but I need a few hours to just be us three and then chaos can descend on us. But I've said this because I know at some point my MIL will say she's coming straight to the hospital. So I'm putting it out there as early as possible.

Dinosauratemydaffodils Fri 14-Feb-20 17:28:23

I said a blanket no with dc1, then he was an emcs and went to NICU and they made it clear they wouldn't be discharging me for a while. Both sets came up to see him and brought extra clothes for me and clothes that fit dc1 (newborn stuff was too big) as well as chocolate.

With dc2 (another emcs) my inlaws came and only because they'd had to come up to the hospital at 3am (2 hour drive) to collect dc1 because I'd gone into labour ahead of my elective. They brought dc1 so that he could see with his own eyes that I was fine because my df had died in hospital 3 months previously (of lung cancer) and he was worried.

It is entirely up to you to decide. Depending on circumstances you might find you need to be flexible but it's ultimately your decision.

diddl Fri 14-Feb-20 17:34:28

I don't think it matters what "most people allow" do tbh.

You have to do what's right for you.

MillicentMartha Fri 14-Feb-20 17:37:06

My family all came to the hospital, (parents, brother’s family, sister’s family.) I felt it was so much easier to ‘host’ them there, no expectation of tea or cake, no need to make place look tidy and a very short visit. Ideal! In-laws were a bit eccentric, they caught the coach up a week or so later (1 hour journey) had lunch in town, popped in for half an hour, then left. I’m sure they were being very thoughtful but it seemed weird to me to come all that way for half an hour.

TilersWay3 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:37:40

I had my gran and granddad visit, gran was there for the birt with my partner actually. Then DP's mum, sister, brother, and aunt all came. But, I didn't mind.

MillicentMartha Fri 14-Feb-20 17:38:46

Not before the birth though! That would be unreasonable.

SoloMummy Fri 14-Feb-20 17:39:32

Op that seems overkill tbh. If you're in and out in 6 hours they won't have any opportunity to visit, otherwise whats the issue except being babyzilla?

JKScot4 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:41:04

My eldest has informed me when the day comes I’ve to be backup in case her DH faints 🤣🤣
Really don’t get this carry on in barring GPs.

LBB2020 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:11:14

We were in hospital for 5 days after the birth of DC1, we had no visitors. We needed some time to process some unexpected news about our baby. All grandparents were invited round a couple of days after we got home. I think they were maybe a little disappointed (although they didn’t say anything to us) but we needed the time to ourselves. No right or wrong answer really, just do what’s best for you!

Peanutty86 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:51:27

Stick with whatever you feel is right. I had PIL come in about 3 hours after birth because my husband insisted. (My parents live abroad but I know they would've patiently waited.) Husband ended up rushing me to go for a shower and then to get dressed so his parents could come at the time he'd told them. I will forever resent him for this (and several other things that happened after....). I was still high in gas & air and hormones so didn't have the energy or mood to argue. I am now pregnant again and I know that I need to stand up for myself this time, even if it means upsetting his family. Do what's right for you. Tell them you will have a think about it even if you know that you won't invite them to come (the only thing I would say was that they would've overstayer their welcome at our house, but they didn't stay as long at the hospital).

HJWT Fri 14-Feb-20 19:16:49

My mum and DH were at the birth, then when I was rushed to theatre and nearly died my mum rang my dad so when I woke up he was there to, then my sister came later on as obviously when you nearly die people want to come and see you BUT this was all in a private room when I was in a bed and was not allowed to move.

I would never allow more than 1 visitor on the ward, it isn't fair to other mums! When I went on the ward I was in a room with 4 empty beds, they soon filled up and all 3 women had MULTIPLE visitors all extremely loud and obnoxious! At one point my DH had to whip the curtain open as the next door visitors kept banging into the baby's bed because there were 5 of them🥵

I agree visitors at home unless things don't go as planned!

kim1856 Fri 14-Feb-20 19:55:16

My in laws and parents both visited the same day I gave birth, however if you are not comfortable with it, don't allow it.

They only stayed for about 30 mins each so it wasn't too bad at all, however totally personal choice.

ejmay90 Fri 14-Feb-20 19:59:04

I had this worry also but have told my other half I dont want visitors at the hospital unless I may be in for longer than expected. He's happy and respects my wishes as I'm the one giving birth. Not sure how the grandparents will take it when I share the news they will have to wait, but it's my decision!
Also my hospitals visiting times aren't fantastic and only allow 2 at a time anyway!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Fri 14-Feb-20 20:09:39

If you're in and out in 6 hours they won't have any opportunity to visit, otherwise whats the issue except being babyzilla?

That’s the kind of nonsense you need to ignore, OP. Don’t let others try to guilt trip you.

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