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unwanted positive termination advice needed

(54 Posts)
percyingle Mon 03-Sep-07 09:50:15

Have just done test and apologies to those trying to conceive but this is the worst possible thing that could happen to me for several reasons financial, age, but mainly due to the horror experience i had giving birth (nearly three days labour with emergency c section) i truly thought i would die.

It feels so different from the last time when i knew i would have the baby whatever happened even though then our circumstances were far from perfect.

This time i just feel fear of the birth.
i really cant contemplate doing it again. I need advice on terminations, what happens?
will my doctor accept my reasons?

i do feel very guilty for feeling like this and am having bad dreams but the idea of leaving my child motherless is overwhelming.

have doctor appointment in two days and
would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in similar situation.
tia

Pixiefish Mon 03-Sep-07 10:04:41

Not been in your position exactly but I had a terrible birth last time. Am 30 wks pg now with #2 and have started crapping myself- like you I don't want to leave dd motherless.

I have additional complications and am under the supervision of a haematologist who I spoke to 2 weeks ago- well cried at actually. He understands my fears and is addressing them. He says I musnt't worry- they know about my blood problems and will monitor me carefully. Plus I will more than likely be induced or have an elective medical csection.

What I am trying to say is- before you go down this road of terminating the pregnancy you need to speak to medical people. If the giving birth is what is worrying you then things can and will be done to prevent the problems you had last time. You need to think though- do you want another child? If the answer is no then you hae your answer but if you want another child and it's the birth that scares you then you can deal with it. You can find out what went wrong last time and then you can speak to the obstetrician for help and advice. I'd ring to make an appointment with your midwife

BandofMothers Mon 03-Sep-07 10:05:08

My birth was not that bad with DD1, tho long and hard, but it was enough to dread giving birth to DD2.
Could you maybe have an elective cs???
I often think hmm when women do this on a whim, but in your case it may be a good alternative to a termination.

Fingerbobs Mon 03-Sep-07 10:06:11

Hi percy,
Your doctor will most likely be absolutely fine with your reasons - I've never ever ever heard of anyone being refused a termination because the reason isn't ok, so don't worry about that.
I would however suggest that you seek counselling for your first birth experience - there are lots of mums on here who've had appalling times who've found that this can help (I'm not AT ALL suggesting that you shouldn't have a termination, by the way, but you sound absolutely broken by your first experience and sorting that is pretty vital for you whatever you eventually decide). The Birth Trauma Association might be the place to start - [[http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/].
I hope you get the help you need to make the right decision for you, but please don't worry about being 'allowed' to have a termination.

Fingerbobs Mon 03-Sep-07 10:06:30

Sorry, rubbish at links :

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

kitsandbits Mon 03-Sep-07 10:08:23

If you had such a bad birth last time and had a c-section, surely they would allow you an elective c-section this time?

Would that settle some of your fears?

CaptainCaveman Mon 03-Sep-07 10:10:44

I recall a thread similar to this a year or so ago - can't for the life of me recall the mners name, but she was genuinely as terrified as you following a horrid birth experience.

She did continue with the pg and had a healthy child but at the beginning was adamant about having a termination.

Seeing your gp is a good step - can you write down all your fears and reasons before you go in? If you're anything like most of us you'll forget what you really wanted to say!

Can I also say well done to you, it takes a lot of guts to admit how you're feeling about a pg, especially if those feelings are negative.

expatinscotland Mon 03-Sep-07 10:11:47

Your fears need to be addressed.

Please tell your doctor exactly what you've written here, even if you print it out and hand it to him.

VengefulSquirrel Mon 03-Sep-07 10:15:29

No-one should try to persuade or dissuade you. It is your decision to make.

But if you terminate, there is hardness there also, of a different, but long lasting kind.

I know whereof I speak.

Lauriefairycake Mon 03-Sep-07 10:22:43

I too, recommend counselling, though I appreciate extended therapy would be difficult when you may want a termination son.

It's very hard to tell from what you write but I wonder if you could think about whether it's mostly about fear of the birth or if it's about genuinely not wanting another baby because of financial stuff.

If it's birth fear and birth trauma then have therapy anyway (it's no way to go through life being terrified of getting pregnant - it can then lead to fear of sex).

I'm only worried that if you terminate, then have therapy you may have extra stuff to work through as you may regret having a termination if it's not really about financial stuff.

If you do have an abortion I would not recomend having the RU486 - I had that and it was physically the most painful experience of my life (I honestly would rather cut off my own finger than have that again). It would also seriously remind you of your birth trauma. So think about having a general aneasthetic.

lulumama Mon 03-Sep-07 10:27:58

i second the recommendation re the birth trauma association

how sad that the memories of your last birth are so traumatic you feel you cannot have another child

there is a genuine fear of childbirth - tokophobia, IIRC.... and there are things that can be done to address it

if your fear is so great then there is every chance you can book an elective c.section, so that you don;t have the same trauma again

i would speak to head of midwifery before you make any decision..your GP can advise on how to get in touch, to be debriefed on what happened

the odds of you actually dying in childbirth are very very remote, but clearly that is a huge fear for you, and must be addressed

hope you make the decision that is right for you, and that you have lots of support , whatever you do x

percyingle Mon 03-Sep-07 10:32:52

thank you for your replies ladies,(and link will look now) was beginning to feel like a monster for just posting this.

my main fear is the birth (and my age, 40) my body has never been quite the same since, though i know from reading threads here that it isnt that old but the medical services made me feel ancient the last time and that was at 36.

i am thinking through everything carefully including the mental effects having termination but i get real sweats and fear when i think of giving birth.
It took me over 6 long months to recover from c-section before and had no help or family nearby (when they did visit they were beyond useless and expected sunday lunch from me and i shuffled and bled around the house) and had some dark dark days with newborn baby that i feel ashamed of now but were so very real at the time.

The financial considerations are very real too, this may make me sound like a monster?, we have by skin of our teeth got place just big enough for us all and are incredibly happy but poor and the light at the end of it all was me returning to some kind of work when school starts in two years.

i just feel confused and selfish and evil for considering this but it all returns to the actual birth which would haunt the pregancy i fear, the last one i was unable to enjoy at all due to serious money, home worries, dh had no job and our landlady decided to sell two weeks after i realised i was pregnant! I worked and panicked up to 37 weeks then left my trust in mother nature and the birth gave me the biggest scare of my life, including out of body experience.

The plus side would be a sibling for our child but i dont in adult life have any real contact with mine or dh with his and my overwhelming fear is leaving the two (or three) of them alone.

will check out site now that seems most sensible thing

maisym Mon 03-Sep-07 10:36:48

talk all this through with your doctor. Perhaps a doula could help you with the birth? Check out what benefits you could get and ask about sources of support. best wishes xxx

percyingle Mon 03-Sep-07 10:41:32

thank you all, am in tears here, feeling quite a useless human being
the joy that our child has brought us cannot be measured and this makes me feel a monster for considering what i am considering but am so scared of upsetting what we have too

first child not planned but i was determined to have even if it meant being on my own to do it, the fear i feel now makes me feel so worthless and cowardly, a shell of a human being

will get out for some air and walk soon
cannot thank enough for replies and help given

xyzabc Mon 03-Sep-07 10:45:00

hi percyingle, so sorry you feel the way you do. i think your age really isnt a problem as there are tests for ds etc (if thats what your worried about) also money worries effect most of us but we try and muddle through! just because you had a bad birth last time doesnt mean it will happen again. re; terminating the pregnancy. your doctor will be ok about it, after all its your choice. my advice would be to have the baby, thers no going back if you terminate. but we will all support you what ever you decide to do. los of love. x x

gess Mon 03-Sep-07 10:45:19

I spent the first few weeks of ds3's pregnancy a gibbering wreck convinced I was going to die giving birth to him (because of horrible ds2 experience). During the pregnancy I talked to people about the fear and it did slowly subside. I also took homeopathic aconite(!) (the remedy for fear of death) - during labour as well - and it helped. In fact his birth (I had a section in the end) was fine, and the staff were kind and understanding. UNderstanding why ds2's birth was so horrible (lack of control I think) helped enormously.

YeahBut Mon 03-Sep-07 10:52:58

P, I feel for you - I had a horrid experience giving birth to dd1 which I found extremely difficult to come to terms with. Regardless of the decision you come to about this pregnancy, I would seek some kind of counselling to discuss your birth trauma.
I have had two c-sections. The first was an emergency and the second elective. I went for an elective because I couldn't bear the thought of going through another high-stress labour. Everyone, obstetrician and midwives, was understanding and supportive of the decision. It is hard to express just how different the experience was. The elective was quiet, calm and controlled - the opposite of the emergency. Everything was discussed beforehand and there were no surprises. You have options and you don't have to go through the horror again.

BandofMothers Mon 03-Sep-07 10:53:15

I think you should let yourself come to terms with the whole idea of another child before you decide whether or not to terminate.
I really wanted DD2 but was scared of the birth and was scared I would not love her as much as I loved DD1, just couldn't imagine loving another child as much. But I do, just as much. The thought of a baby that wasn't DD1 was wierd to me.
Your hormones are racing too. I felt endlessly guilty for thinking that I might not love her. Don't feel useless, you are not. It is a huge decision, esp as your first exp was awful.
Giving birth to DD2 was not nearly as bad as DD1, shorter, easier, tho just as painful. And still hard , just somehow familiar and easier.

You will be ok, and whatever you decide don't feel bad. Guilt is horrible but really a waste of energy, and you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

BandofMothers Mon 03-Sep-07 10:55:06

Also a lot of your fear will stem from not wanting to leave DD1. I felt that too. The what if I die and leave them feeling. Which will of course add to your already high level of fear over the horrible birth you had with your first.

tulip27 Mon 03-Sep-07 10:59:06

Hi there hun, my thoughts are with you on this one, I think you should take a couple of weeks to go down the counselling route with regards to your fear of giving birth and not hurry into any rash descisions yet, you have only just found out and there is bound to be anxiety. If you do decide to have a termination I am happy to talk to you about it as I had one in June. It was a medical abortion which you can have up til 9 weeks of pregnancy and involves taking four tablets which causes a spontaneous miscarriage, painless physically but emotionally very hard to deal with.
Good luck x

Anchovy Mon 03-Sep-07 11:01:13

Can I just say that I wouldn't worry too much about the age thing in abstract terms.

I had my first at 37 and my second at 39. When I went to the doctor for the first time when pregnant with DS I wailed "And I'm 37", whereupon the doctor said briskly "For goodness sake Anchovy don't be so dramatic, you are 37 not 47". And that was pretty much all that anyone said about my age and I pretty much had 2 very straightforward pregnancies and 2 very healthy and happy babies.

Have you thought about an elective c-section. I had them with both of mine (for medical reasons) and it may really help you. Its nothing like an emergency one as far as I can tell. I had music playing in the the theatre, DH present throughout and a lovely peaceful and celebratory atmosphere. I was up and walking with both the following day.

DollyPopsOut Mon 03-Sep-07 11:18:42

Percy,

No time to read the whole thread but I really feel for you. When you speak to the GP, ask to be referred to a senior MW at the hospital. She (or he?) can then talk through your first birth and what happened etc to help you through it. I was terrified of giving birth to DD1 and I had some sessions with a consultant MW who talked through my worst case scenarios to try to reassure me. She also spent a lot of her job counselling women who had had awful births. I think this would be a worthwhile step whatever you decide to do with this pg.

I had an awful birth with DD1 culminating in an em CS. I too thought I would die. I really wanted another child and was adamant when i got PG that i would have an elective section. I spoke to the consultant about my first birth and he was great. We explored the options and, even though he thought I could try VBAC, he agreed to my section as that was what I wanted. By the time I came to the date, DD2 was transverse lie anyway so I would have had to have had a section but I was greatly reassured by seeing him relatively early in pg and getting it sorted. The operation was fine, I recovered well and DD2 is gorgeous.

I have also had a termination many years ago. This was fine physically and a simple procedure. I would be very happy to talk to you off the board about this if you like so please do CAT me.

I don't know how old you are but I was 37 wehn I had DD2 and know many mothers who had their first in their 40s, so age may not be that much of a factor.

Sending you my best wishes smile. Take care.

Feedmenow Mon 03-Sep-07 11:27:53

Percyingle, so sorry that you are having to go through this. I just wanted to say that, as many others have already said, if it is mainly the actual birth that is the problem then it can be sorted out. I insisted right from the word go with my second that the birth WOULD be a c-section, and no-one at any stage ever tried to talk me out of it.

However, if the actual birth is just one of many issues then don't be afraid if you decide a termination is what will be right for you. You are not a monster, and the important people in your life will not think badly of you for doing it. I have been in this sort of situation myself and I knew straight away in my heart of hearts that I could not go ahead with the pregnancy. It isn't easy to come to terms with a decision like that, and it is obviously something you will live with for the rest of your life, but it is still the right thing to do for a lot of people.

I really hope you manage to work through your fears and feelings and come to a decision that is right for you and your family. Good luck.
xxx

VengefulSquirrel Mon 03-Sep-07 11:31:45

Percy, you are NOT a shell of a human being. You are a woman and facing one of the hardest decisions a woman will ever have to make. You have lots of support on here whatever your final decision is. You do have some time yet to decide, I think not rushing into a decision is the best advice anyone can give you, as this is a momentous time in your life.

We are all thinking of you with lots of sisterly support xxxxxxx

NAB3 Mon 03-Sep-07 11:32:22

If you could have the baby in a blink of an eye, would you have it? I just get the feeling it isn't that you don't want the baby but you don't want the labour. Forgive if I amwrong but you definitely need to talk to someone about this. I wish you look.

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