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MiL has already started moaning

(35 Posts)
Aisah Tue 14-Jan-20 00:27:10

So my MiL has taken it upon herself to freely prod and poke and touch my belly without asking me if it is okay. I am not a big fan and have told her as much on numerous occasions but now she has resorted to actually kissing my belly. I complained because it is weird (my own mum doesnt feel the need to be so handsy) but she hasnt listened so i have stopped visiting her and avoid her at all costs. Last weekend OH and i popped in to see her and she started making her approach so i took a pillow and put it in between my belly and her and told her no.

She has now complained to my OH. he understands that her kissing my belly is going to far but thinks i should compromise because she is excited and i shouldnt take her excitement away from her. Bottom line is he thinks (kissing aside) that i am being mean. She even had the gall to try and guilt OH and say wait and see how you feel when your kid does this to you.

I have already explained to MIL and to OH that when the baby kicks hard enough, i will let her feel it but i dont see why she should have free rein to cop a feel of me just because i am carrying her grandchild.

My MIL has always been overbearing but it has gone extreme because i am pregnant. I feel like if i dont stand my ground she will just walk over me.

Examples

1. She wanted to be there during my labour and when baby is born but didnt ask me, instead insisted i would want her and my mum. It wasnt my choice.

2. Apparently i wont know how to wash the baby so she is insisting she show me and be the first because she has done this for her previous 3 grand children

3. She keeps on calling the baby her own because without her my OH wouldnt have existed. I have explained i am mum but it doesnt get through so i may have rather rudely told her the last time she raised this in front of a room of guests that she can have her son back and i will keep my child because it is my child (i feel so childish writing this)

She is driving me nuts. I have minimal contact over the telephone and face to face because of this.

Am i being mean?

I dont want her to think it is okay to takeover when baby comes and i really want her to back off. There are lots of other little things as well and i feel like breaking point might come soon which will involve me telling her to back off and no doubt her turning on the waterworks and emotionally blackmailing OH.

SentimentalKiller Tue 14-Jan-20 00:29:56

You are not being mean. Stay tough with her, you are going to need firm boundaries. Tell your H he needs to support you

PixieDustt Tue 14-Jan-20 00:33:03

How far along are you OP?
Urgh I hated people touching my bump without my permission. They wouldn't just come and touch you if you weren't pregnant without permission so what changes?
People knew they had to ask me first I'm the least handsy person going.

She is way over bearing. Let her turn on the water works and bathe in her own tears grin
As for the bath I'd do it without her even knowing and then when she mentions it just say 'oh we've already done that grin'.

Could not imagine MIL in with me during birth 🤢

oncemorewithfeeling99 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:35:29

You aren’t being mean. She is being very odd and you are being drawn into it.
I think you need to start a form of re-training her.
Whenever she does or says something cuckoo, then say “really must go. See you later. Bye” and immediately go. You refuse to make a scene but you show her that her choosing to behave in controlling ways will end the conversation. Treat her like you are a super nanny to a toddler - unbelievably firm boundaries but expressed with grace and a smile.

ZeroOneOneTwoThree Tue 14-Jan-20 00:36:30

This would drive me potty. I have similar issues and have started to withdraw from the relationship (although I now have a baby rather than being pregnant).

You’re not being mean. Your body, your baby, your rules. You can set up the boundaries here, and OH needs to support them.

ConsolidateTheBiscuits Tue 14-Jan-20 00:40:28

She's bonkers but you have a DH problem if he expects you to compromise. Sorry OP but the worst is yet to come if you don't establish firm boundaries now.

RhymingRabbit3 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:42:23

She's being ridiculous. I wouldn't like it if my husband kissed my belly, let alone my mother in law. If it makes you feel uncomfortable you have to make it clear - move her hand off or move away. It sounds like she is going to be a pain about lots of things so the earlier you make it clear you wont stand for any nonsense, the better.

Ginbauble Tue 14-Jan-20 00:47:13

Blimey, she sounds unhinged!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries- put em up before during and after baby arrives and do not let her trample on them.

And your OH absolutely needs to be with you on this, backing you up 100% and not continuing to minimise her behaviour.

Aisah Tue 14-Jan-20 00:53:07

@PixieDustt i am 24 weeks.

Thanks for the replies and advice.

I have already mentioned to my OH that we will bath baby ourselves and not tell her.

Infact we have decided not to tell her when we are home after baby is born to avoid any issues. We will invite her when we are ready.

OH is supportive to a degree but has what i would call an unhealthy relationship with his mum. He is stuck in the middle and will fully back me with his mum but i think he is becoming more aware that when she pushes my buttons i retreat and then refuse to interact with her. If i am honest I am not the sort of person who likes to be pressured into things and the more she applies the more i push back.

@ZeroOneOneTwoThree if she continues i just wont take baby there and she will probably onlynsee the baby when OH visits or she will only visit when OH is around!

She is adamant we should go on holiday together because she seems to think i will need support when baby comes. I told my OH i would rather sit at home and stick pins in my eyes.

Aisah Tue 14-Jan-20 00:58:38

@ginbauble she doesnt understand the concept of boundaries and she constantly undermines me.

She seems to think she can cry and moan to her son and magically I will change my mind.

I have told my other half that i wont compromise and it is his problem he cant be firm with his mum and that he should have told his mum, it is my body and my decision.

He knows i will have a bigger battle later on down the line with her and seems to think i should give in because in his mind this is a small issue

Cantbelieveit101 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:59:12

He has no right to tell you who can put their hands on your body.

You decide who will be there for the birth.

You decide when to bath the baby.

Your body, your baby your rules.

SnoozyLou Tue 14-Jan-20 01:01:28

Honestly, I think you're handling this all wrong. I think next time she comes in for the belly, should need to do a Cesar Millan "Shhht", accompanied by a clip round the ear.

No, you're not being mean. I think there would be a few raised eyebrows if you're DP tried that with his DIL, so I don't know what she's on about there. She sounds like an absolute nightmare to be honest, and I wouldn't want to go and see her either. I know that doesn't help at all but she's the one with the issues, not you.

SnoozyLou Tue 14-Jan-20 01:02:18

*you need

madambee Tue 14-Jan-20 01:03:33

No you are not being mean and your mil touching and kissing is 🤮. But you dh is a wimp. Ask him if it would be okay, if your dm touches his groin every single time she sees him.

He/you both need to get through to mil that if she keeps it up at this rate, she will not be involved at all.

If she doesn't get it, leave dh to visit on his own.

And btw congratulations smile.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 14-Jan-20 01:08:34

"I have told my other half that i wont compromise and it is his problem he cant be firm with his mum and that he should have told his mum, it is my body and my decision."

I think you should also point out to him that if he won't (can't?) get his mother to back off, you will - and he won't like how you do it because it will include the words 'fuck' and 'off' - his choice.

"He knows i will have a bigger battle later on down the line with her and seems to think i should give in because in his mind this is a small issue"
Nope. Give in on the small issues and they will persist all the more. Or has he never heard of 'give an inch and they'll take a mile'? Same principle here. Draw your boundary lines and woe betide those who insist on stepping over them.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 14-Jan-20 01:08:54

Your MIL is a total lunatic. I would tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he either gets his mother to completely back off or she is never going to be around you or help with the baby in any way. Her behaviour is 100% unacceptable.

Wishing56 Tue 14-Jan-20 07:25:23

I am 34+1 with twins and I have similar issues with my mum at the moment. She is being so overbearing. She previously would always grab my tummy and it was always from the bottom and push up (like jiggling it). In the end i had to tell her it hurts when she does it (its certainly bloody uncomfortable!) And I will let her know when the babies kick. She still tries to talk to my bump but always with pressing her mouth up to it which I have told her freaks me out and is unnecessary.

I am having an elective c-section due to having twins and told her that I am not going to tell her the date (or anyone) so we can announce as normal when the babies arrive. She literally cried at this and keeps saying how she is constantly awake at night worrying that something is happening with me and I am not telling her. She uses the line 'you will know when your girls are older how I feel' and i just told her that I hope that I wont be so neurotic as its unhealthy.

The other day she said she woke up at 3.30am and was going to drive the 10mins to my house to see if my car was on the drive as she was convinced it wouldnt be and I was actually in hospital... completely mental!

She keeps saying how much I will need her when the twins are born and I am sure I will but I have told her that I will ask for help not she comes barging in. I am have said that if anyone turns up without telling me they are coming then I wont be letting them in the house.

I am feeling very anxious about it all now as i just want to settle in as a family of 4.

wibdib Tue 14-Jan-20 08:36:45

I would rapidly develop a vigorous reflex response to having your tummy approached let alone touched and either karate chop or jab back or throw their arms wide or however feels best to you... and hopefully it will soon stop - especially if you start shouting OW really loudly if she makes contact.

If she complains or says that it can’t really hurt point out that pregnancy has made you more sensitive but that now you find it very disturbing and it’s your body, your reaction is what you feel not what anyone else says.

Also fantasise about being able to grab her hand as it approaches and being able to do the full Hollywood / cartoon ‘dealing with sneaky bad guy’ routine of grabbing, jabbing, neutralising and finish off with whirling her around your head three times before throwing her 50 yards down the road - not actually possible obviously but you’ll feel a hell of a lot better just thinking about it and imagining her face as you do grin

Sparklfairy Tue 14-Jan-20 08:54:31

Can you do a version of pull my finger and fart loudly everytime she touches you?

Engard Tue 14-Jan-20 08:55:45

She sounds like an absolute nightmare and if I was you I'd continue to shove cushions between us (that or bat her away with one)

Letsallscreamatthesistene Tue 14-Jan-20 09:04:53

Jesus christ im annoyed on your behalf just reading this.

I really think you're going to have to be really firm about boundaries, and be prepared to fall out about it. Equally she sounds like the type to then cause drama, "shes cutting me out", "she wont let me see the baby".

Id write her a letter and let her know exactly how you're feeling. Hand it to her. Then if she starts doing her thing again you can say something like 'I think I wrote about this in the letter.....' and let the conversation flow from there.

Whatever you decide, its going to be a rocky road I think

khaleesiofthegreatgrasssea Tue 14-Jan-20 09:12:51

YANBU, she is batshit insane. Grab her hand every time she tries to touch you and say "NO" loudly in her face. In terms of the birth you can just laugh and tell her that won't be happening - she won't be let in if you don't want her there.

MollyButton Tue 14-Jan-20 09:15:53

You have an OH problem - and you need to admit this to yourself.
Yes he comes from a Toxic background, and struggle s to erect boundaries with his mother. This is not going to get better unless he acknowledges it and takes steps to change it.
It probably wasn't wise to be having a baby with him.

You can aid him in strengthening his boundaries. You can encourage him to get counselling. But he has to want to change.

You can erect rock solid boundaries. Get it written in your birth plan, and warn your MW about this woman. You do not want her at the birth, she will in no way relieve stress. To be honest she wouldn't get permission from me to visit in hospital at all, and if your hospital has laxer security than mine (visit and ask) then I would probably request a change of hospital.

Congratulations on the baby and good luck flowers

PepePig Tue 14-Jan-20 09:37:51

She's insane. You're going to have a tough journey ahead of you, but you sound strong enough to do it, luckily.

Just remember, if you give her an inch, she will take a mile... or 50. So don't give her a thing.

She can't touch you
She can't decide things for you
She can't claim the baby
She can't assume
She can't guilt trip you

Don't let her touch you, and say no to every little thing she says regarding baby. I'd imagine you'll end up going NC in a few years because she'll pull a ridiculous stunt like trying to take baby for first haircut without you, but until then just be aware that that is where it is heading. Be strong and don't feel bad. She's a nutter and needs to be told where to go.

AuntieMarys Tue 14-Jan-20 09:50:36

My god you poor woman. She is a nut case.

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