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Terrified, 4 weeks pregnant

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Boooop Sun 08-Dec-19 00:34:57

I’m Canadian and am currently in the uk spending time with my boyfriend of almost a year. I wasn’t planning on returning to Canada until mid Jan.

When I return to Canada I will have to find a place to live, as I couldn’t afford high Toronto rent while travelling abroad. The plan is to get a place, work for awhile while he is paying down a debt in the uk, then have him come over, get married and sponsored.

We are both 33. I found out two days ago that I’m pregnant. I have always wanted a child but never thought it would happen, as I have a bicornate uterus and some other medical issues. When I saw the test I was shocked, we used condoms for the most part, and pull out method twice. Big mistake.

I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I’m rational and pro choice, I would have been excited and yet still terrified if he was happy or atleast excited when he found out but he wasn’t. He wants an abortion and tells me multiple time’s a day. He says he’s not ready, he can’t afford a kid right now and he is looking forward to us to enjoy the beginning of our marriage without the stress of a baby.
He does say he wants children with me when we are both financially stable and he has a job in Canada. I respect and even agree with a lot of his reasoning. It makes sense.

This is my first pregnancy and I’m scared it will be my only chance to have a child. I don’t know if that is the right reason to have a child. I have a job in Canada that I love but it’s physically demanding and long days with unpredictable hours. I am very much in love with this man and I want to spend my life with him, but he is so adamant that he doesn’t want this right now that I feel if I keep the baby I will be doing it on my own which will be a massive struggle.

I keep flip flopping, this is the most important decision of my life. My mother is very supportive and agrees with whatever decision I make as long as it’s mine. She confessed that she had an abortion prior to having me and it still haunts her at times, I already know that an abortion will be extremely tolling on me emotionally. I feel I will regret either decision at this point. I would be eternally grateful for any insight, advice or even past experiences any one is willing to share.

One more major concern I have is that since I’m in the uk I can’t access any medical assistance without costing a lot of money, a scan for example is 1000£ which is almost 2000 cad. I haven’t had blood work in awhile and have suffered from an eating disorder and a lot of grief over the past 1.5 years. I don’t know if the baby is ok or If I’m healthy enough to have it. I stopped smoking when I found out and am going to take vitamins tomorrow in case I decide to keep it. Apparently this bicornate (heart shaped) uterus increases birth defects by 4%

It’s hard to make an informed decision with so many emotions. I don’t want to lose my relationship, my job or independence to a degree, but I also don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a parent. Part of me thinks I will never forgive myself if I have n abortion, but I also don’t think I could forgive myself if I rob us of the opportunity to have a secure future with the possibility of children.

I know this is a novel, I appreciate your time and any feedback.

Boooop Sun 08-Dec-19 00:36:18

Might have posted this in wrong section, meant to post in pregnancy

CalleighDoodle Sun 08-Dec-19 00:37:22

You dont sound like you want an abortion. Yanbu to not want one.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff Sun 08-Dec-19 00:46:11

Never have an abortion to keep a man as if it is not what you want you will resent him and probably split up anyway.
So take what he wants out of the decision and do what you want.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Sun 08-Dec-19 00:46:25

I know a good trick for making what seems like an impossible decision.

You take a coin, decide what heads means (abortion versus keeping the baby) and then toss the coin. Simple as that.

It's your gut reaction when that coin's in mid air that gives you your answer.

The elation or, conversely, the sick feeling you get when the coin lands tells you what you really want to do.

Venger Sun 08-Dec-19 00:48:30

It is entirely your decision, not his.

You said tbi
You said this:

he is so adamant that he doesn’t want this right now that I feel if I keep the baby I will be doing it on my own which will be a massive struggle.

So you keep the baby and he leaves you but if you have the abortion just to please him, are you not going to end up separating anyway? Could you stay with him and not resent him for pressuring you into it if it's not what you want?

You need to speak to someone impartial to help you make a decision. BPAS can help, they offer free counselling. If you did decide to go ahead with the abortion, they only charge what they need to cover their overheads (if you're not covered by the NHS) and an early abortion with pills would be under £500 - get Mr Pressure to cough up the cash if he wants it done so badly.

Regardless of what you choose, I would really consider your relationship with him based upon this. Putting pressure on you to choose the option he wants is not supportive, it does not respect your bodily autonomy, and it is a total dick move. I wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone like that.

Venger Sun 08-Dec-19 00:49:03

BPAS website

Lightkeeper Sun 08-Dec-19 00:49:11

You are 33. Some people will say you still have a lot of time left. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. Biologically-speaking, you’re getting close to the age where it will become more and more difficult to get pregnant. Sure, there are women who easily get pregnant at 37+ but many doctors are actually alarmed that some women think that is the norm (particularly when they see celebrities have children at 40+).

Yes, being ‘financially stable’ would be great. My OH and I kept on putting it off for that same reason. Meanwhile, people he grew up with had kids despite earning far less than us, etc. — and they’re fine. Humans adapt. So when I think back now, I think we made a big deal out of nothing.

Can your parents support you?

Bluerussian Sun 08-Dec-19 00:49:35

I agree that you sound as though you don't want an abortion; in your position, at 33, I wouldn't want one either. I have to say your boyfriend sounds quite immature for his years, no offence meant.

The worrying issue is that you cannot access NHS treatment and your pregnancy does need to be monitored. You mentioned your mother, would she be prepared to help you financially while you are pregnant? The only other way I can think of would be for you to return to Canada where there is a good national health service. You said you planned on going anyway in mid January and that isn't very far off, you'll still be in early stages of pregnancy.

All the very best whatever you decide. If you continue your pregnancy, I hope your baby is fit and healthy but you must be under the care of an obstetrician.

IcingandSlicing Sun 08-Dec-19 00:54:13

That is a very tricky situation you're in.
From experience - babies really do put pressure on the parents as individuals and as a couple, on a purely physical, emotional and financial level.
There is nothing wrong with chosing when you're ready to have kids.
I know people with your condition who have kids, I also know people who have had an abortion when the time was not right and had kids later when the felt they could cope with the pressure.
Think about how you imagine your future with and without the kid. 33 is not too old nowadays.
Whatever you decide, good luck!

PicsInRed Sun 08-Dec-19 01:00:00

If the baby is born in the UK, your husband can prevent it leaving the UK until it reaches legal majority.

You were moving back to Canada. Proceed with that plan. Either husband gets over it and joins you, or he doesn't. But you will be safely back in Canada, where you want and intended to be.

Leave for Canada.

PapayaCoconut Sun 08-Dec-19 01:09:11

your husband can prevent it leaving the UK

They're not married yet.

PicsInRed Sun 08-Dec-19 01:10:43

They're not married yet.

"Your boyfriend can prevent it leaving the UK".

Crazyoldmaurice Sun 08-Dec-19 01:24:25

If you do abort it does sound like you will end up resenting your OH and the relationship would end naturally anyway.

Then you'd need to find a whole new relationship and then get pregnant again (which with your condition may not help) so who knows how long that would take, if you did ever wish to have a family.

I would say if you do want to have a child one day go for it now as you may never get this chance again. As mentioned above biologically time isnt slowing down and post 35 it doesn't look great pregnancy wise.

Move back to Canada in jan for the healthcare, you wont be very far along by that point so wont have missed much.

Best case scenario; your bloke pulls his socks up, supports you and baby and you make a go of it. (Given he is already pressuring you for an abortion I'm not sure this would ever happen anyway!)

Worst case: you abort when you clearly don't want to. You resent him. You break up. You regret the abortion and thats that. Lots of resentment.

Or you keep the baby and he leaves you, in which case he wouldnt be worth marrying anyway and he'll have done you a favour by showing you how much he really cares.

It really sounds like an abortion isnt what you truly want, I'm 100% pro choice (had one myself) and a pressured abortion never ends well. You would never regret having a baby once he or she is in your arms but I can very much say the regret of doing one against your true wishes can completely destroy you.

yy558 Sun 08-Dec-19 01:27:04

It's your body and if you can fly back to Canada and have a support network there, go there.

You already said you would never forgive yourself if you did it.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 08-Dec-19 01:32:07

It sounds like he doesn’t care that this could be your last chance.

OP even if this hadn’t happened this relationship may not have worked out. Relationships fail. If you have the abortion you may never forgive him and then the relationship won’t work out anyway.

Go home, talk to your parents, get some distance.

Boooop Sun 08-Dec-19 01:49:27

If I do follow through with the pregnancy I will definitely be doing so in Canada, I have been in UK since Sept, I booked a return ticket for January before I left Canada, and if this situation didn’t arise I would have stayed the full 6 months.

My boyfriend isn’t a bad guy, but is a bit immature at times, He admits he’s being selfish with his views on this but I a lot of them stem on the fact that we aren’t financially prepared, he says mentally prepared either, but I don’t think anyone is in our situation.

If he were to be on board then I would most leant towards having the baby as I could work and he could care for it while I support us financially. He wouldn’t be able to work in Canada for atleast 4 months until his PR status kicks in anyways.

I’m going to do that coin flip in the morning as I’m still undecided. I couldn’t have an abortion just because he wants me to and I agree with the posts saying I would resent him if I did. I am more concerned about how and what kind of life I could provide for this child without his help. I have no means of income unless I work, and I don’t see how I can work 10-14 hour days sometimes up to 20+ hours with an infant. (I work in the film industry as a scenic painter) A job I love and couldn’t do with a baby.

I’m sad about the timing, because I was also looking forward to a nesting newlywed phase, travelling, for us both to have a decent amount of money in the bank and not consistently be struggling to make ends meet. This was a realistic goal as I already have a gig in the industry lined up for him once he gets his pr.

I feel like this is probably my only chance to be a mother and I don’t feel like I have the tools on place to make it happen on my own.

My mom is supportive but not able to be financially supportive. I’m going to see if I can book a bpas counselling session. Thank you all for your replies, I truly appreciate the perspective

Boooop Sun 08-Dec-19 01:59:29

One other thing that I must mention even though it makes me a horrible person, and making me consider the abortion is I had a crampy twinge today, it didn’t last long but The thought of a miscarriage brought me relief. Maybe that’s because the decision would then be out of my control. Hopefully the counselling session with bpas will offer fresh perspective. Thanks again everyone.

MyDcAreMarvel Sun 08-Dec-19 02:04:43

Op a scan is between £40 and £80 not £1000!.

Boooop Sun 08-Dec-19 02:09:12

That’s not what I read on the government website, I’m not covered by NHS at all, if you know where I could get a scan or have a website link I would be very grateful!

LotteLupin Sun 08-Dec-19 02:12:46

Bpas don't provide independent counselling. They make money from abortions.

Lightkeeper Sun 08-Dec-19 02:31:03


There are many private facilities for ultrasound scans. Go to Ultrasound Direct ( scans start at £70. Their facilities vary from location to location, but the one I went to was plush and super-modern and located within a fertility clinic, which was much nicer than anything within the NHS.

If you need further guidance, let us know.

BlueGingerale Sun 08-Dec-19 02:37:43

You don’t normally get a scan till 12 weeks. So you’ll be back in Canada by then.

And it doesn’t matter at all if it’s put off for a few weeks.

I think odds are this is your only chance to get pregnant. You absolutely can not count on getting pregnant again in a few years. 35 is considered a ‘geriatric birth’!

You’re almost certainly healthy enough to carry this baby, else I doubt you would have got pregnant. Particularly when you weren’t trying.

Lightkeeper Sun 08-Dec-19 02:42:04

P.S.: One of the reasons I recommend keeping this pregnancy going is because you mentioned you have medical issues and thought you wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. I would hate to see you abort this pregnancy and have problems later on (when you’re also going to be older. Fertility declines rapidly after 35, and you’ll forever be thinking, “What if?”.

Pippa12 Sun 08-Dec-19 02:44:19

You can get private scan for much less than £1000, google private scans in your area and lots of places will come up. I paid £80 I think 3 years ago. As for blood work, we don’t tend to see the midwife till 8-10 weeks in the UK so you’ve got time yet.

I have no experience of abortion services (tho very pro choice) but I think it’s Marie Stopes (charity) which offers independent advise, support and procedures. Maybe google them to.

FWIW it is sad your boyfriend is not on board with the pregnancy- the responsibility is no solely on you. If I was you and it was likely my only chance of parenthood and I had any thoughts that i wanted to keep the baby there is no way I’d have an abortion... I’d find the what ifs soul destroying. It will rip your relationship apart anyways. Maybe with time your BF will accept the baby.

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