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How do I tell smokers in family...

(21 Posts)
Snowflake9 Wed 14-Aug-19 13:53:01

I am 38 weeks and expecting my first baby. Years ago when my sister's had their babies (90's) people just smoked, then held a baby.

My DM and DS both smoke and I don't want them to hold my baby if they have recently smoked..of course I will have a wash your hands rule with everyone but I don't want my baby being held by someone who's clothes smell like cigarettes.

My DM was with her great grandson the other day in the garden and had a cigarette whilst sat on the grass. My niece didn't say anything (child's mother) but I did shout over to put it out. Which I do think offended my mum.

Anyone else know how I can over come this without being a B?

Snowflake9 Wed 14-Aug-19 13:53:36

May have used the wrong abbreviation for sister. DS refers to sister.

Em39ma Wed 14-Aug-19 16:54:58

I wouldn’t care if I came across a B. Make it quite clear you don’t want them touching the baby unless it has been over an hour and have changed into freshly washed clothes since there last smoke.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 14-Aug-19 16:58:52

I'd just say that the advice has changed in regards to SIDS

Teddybear45 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:00:40

Honestly your mum should know already that it’s not right to smoke around a baby but she’s doing it anyway. I wouldn’t let her or your dsis hold the baby until they actually wash their hands / change clothes in front of you and would definitely not let them have the baby unsupervised.

RibenaMonsoon Wed 14-Aug-19 17:01:36

Easiest way is to recite NHS guidelines.
"My Midwife has said anyone that has had a cigarette needs to wait at least 20 mins after having a cigarette and wash their hands before holding baby". (Or whatever your own rules are that you want them to stick to)
They can't really challenge you on that.
Hope it goes well.

Snowflake9 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:11:47

Thank you, will definitely go down the SIDS route with telling them.

I suppose once baby is here, I will be 10000 times more protective anyway and will have to make it clear from the get go.

Do I tell them now?.or when they come to meet little one?

Soontobe60 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:21:23

OP, tell them now. My DM and DSis both smoke. When we went to visit my DDs new born son, they both went in the garden for a smoke, then came back in where my dm tried to hold her ggs straight away. I told her she couldn't hold him because she'd just had a smoke. She went ape! But I stuck to my guns. If I'd thought about it I wouldn't have told them before we got there!

Snowflake9 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:34:44

I will speak to them about it this week. My baby, my rules I guess.

It's not too much to ask for them to not have a cigarette for an hour though surely??

MunchyMunchkin Wed 14-Aug-19 18:36:35

We told MIL ahead of time so she knew the deal. No smoking the day she was coming, clean clothes and showered.
I was hopeful this would help her quit but DD is 4 and ages still going.
I did relax the rules after a few months.

Snowflake9 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:47:42

I just think it's so important when they are new born. I live an hour away from my parents and my DM can't go without stopping after 20 mins to have a smoke. And then she'll smoke as soon as she gets here.

Good luck to her!

Em39ma Wed 14-Aug-19 19:20:08

I worked for a doctor, one of her in laws smoked and she would only let them near the baby if it had been an hour or more without smoking and had showered and changed into clean clothes.
She was a neonatal consultant so I have always stuck to her rules as she knows way more than me about the effects it has on babies.

PhyllisVance Wed 14-Aug-19 19:44:39

Great thread. I am 37 weeks and worried about the same thing.

Has anyone got a link to any online resources with the guidelines for second hand smoke? I’ve had a quick google but all the results seem to focus on mother or father smoking.

Summerunderway Wed 14-Aug-19 19:46:15

Ask your mw for some leaflets. Easier to say its NHS rules not yours!!

PoppingOneOutIn2020 Wed 14-Aug-19 19:53:16

Hmm yes.

I smoked.. and wouldnt dream of holding a baby while stinking of fesh.. or stale fags.

All of my friends smoke, every single one.. and my dad smokes a pipe.

My dad often lights his pipe while I'm round which is getting abit annoying.

But I know that when I bring baby home all my friends will want to be here immediately to hold the cute newborn baby.. not because they actually care (sad, but true)

I dont want to sound like the over doing it friend when I tell them they cant smoke and immediately want to hold baby, and if I can smell smoke on them without being close to them then it's a no go. Smokey clothes stink, baby clothes do not need to smell of it.

But I know that I'll have some friends say "its only he smell, holding her for a few minutes wont affect her clothes blah blah blah.."

Snowflake9 Fri 16-Aug-19 07:09:29

Little update for you all.

I told my DM yesterday and it went down like a lead balloon! She actually asked me Why??

I told her it's not the 70s 80s 90's anymore and I don't want my baby around smoke. It really is that simple. She then made an excuse and got off the phone.

Oh and she loved the fact I told my family in the family chat that we will want a few days with the baby before visitors. She was so offended. "Even me??"

So I had to give in to that one.

SnuggyBuggy Fri 16-Aug-19 07:29:22

Better to tell her sooner rather than later

ChrisPrattsFace Fri 16-Aug-19 09:52:00

I’m on the same boat OP. My parents are heavy smokers - I told them in no terms that they’re not holding my baby unless they’ve washed their hands and changed their shirts/not smoked for At least an hour.
I got a whole barrage of ‘I used to feed you with one hand with a fag in the other’... I explained how times have changed and I don’t want any unnecessary risk to my longed for and treatment conceived baby.
She said she would ‘look at my baby through the window’ if I felt that way.
So now my parents are gonna be standing in the garden cos I’m not backing down. 😊😂

BobTheFishermansWife Fri 16-Aug-19 09:54:30

I have a 30 minute rule, think that's NHS standard. My dad is the only person that smokes that goes anywhere near my son. I told him from the off that he would need a half hour break, he grumbled but has accepted it. Could you use the NHS guidelines as reasoning?

lonelyonee Fri 16-Aug-19 22:13:47

I must say I'm also concerned about this. I'm only in my first trimester but DPs DM smokes and it's been playing on my mind about the smell being around my baby when he/she is here.
I've already made it very clear to DP that he MUST quit as there's no way in hell I'm allowing him to smoke then touch the baby, although I reckon I'll have a hard time actually getting it to happen ☹️
With regards to his DM, his DSis currently lives with her & has a 4 month old. Now I'm pretty sure when I've been round they've all been smoking in the kitchen then proceeded to hold baby within minutes of coming back into living room.
Now I'm assuming that if I make a thing out of this everyone's going to be very vexed with me 🤷🏼‍♀️☹️

I am 100% speaking to my midwife @ my appointment on Monday about this as it's actually playing on my mind a lot & im not sure how to approach it beings as it's not my family... (my dsis smokes and believe me she will be told straight).

ohdearymemumof3 Sat 17-Aug-19 09:14:31

Tell them straight.. smoke outside, wear a jacket and take it off when you come in, no holding baby for 20 mins i think it is after you have smoked, wash your hands, i always have a big tube of hand sanitizer on the side and make everyone use it whether they smoke or not.. x

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