Older mothers/fathers would like a bit of advice please (hope correct forum)

[tobias123]

Hello there I am wanting a little advice really. I am in a new relationship that is very serious and will very soon be moving in and living together. My partner is 49 and myself 36. I have three children 16,14 and 7 and he has a son aged 8. His wife died when his son was 3 and has brought his son up on his own.

I am little unsure if I am bit or old or if 'we are bit old and are being selfish wanting a child together. e ave talked it through and both agree we can cope both mntally and finacially. I am litle unsure to what my eldest childen will think but think will come round afther a while.

The question is do you think we are okay to have a child at 37/50 or is it a litle too old. I am interested in opinions people have. Thanks in advance.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

i am 24
without meaning to sound rude, i think it is more dependant on the lady.
men can father as many children as they like up until about 60 (?).
besides, i dont think you are too old. or selfish. many people are choosing to have children later now.

[pinkteddy]

God no, I was 37 when I had my first and plenty of people having first babies at 40+ these days. The biggest issue for you both I would think is how your older children will feel and adjust to a new baby.

[oops]

Message withdrawn

[tobias123]

I think my eldest child would react quite badly while the middle one and my son and my partners son would love it. I think I would wait a couple of years until I would be 39 and she would be at university as it is very important to me that I do not push her away etc as she has found it very hard since I split with her father.

Thanks for the advice very much appreciated. I am very young looking and have tons of energy so know I could cope very well even if itmeant I was to do everything.

[madamez]

You know your own family dynamics best. WHile it is of course interesting to hear what other peole think, other peole's opinions don't matter that much -well, outside of your own family and close friends, maybe, but even then...FWIW I had my DS at 39 (unplanned, unexpected and unassisted PG) so it can be done and if the two of you want a child and are aware of the risks etc then go for it and best of luck.

[tobias123]

what are the main risks would you say and is it harder to get pregnant when older. To be honest I had decided I did not want any more little people but I know now I do as so does my partner. He is very young for his age today and full of energy.

[bogwobbit]

If you decide, after talking it throughas you have, to have a child at 37/50 then of course you aren't too old. Quite frankly, it's no-one elses business other than yours.
For what it's worth dh and I had our 4th child at the ages of 41/44 and it's been great - tiring but great and although I'm obviously an 'older' parent, I certainly don't think of myself as 'too old'.

[Desiderata]

Not at all, tobias.

I was 39 when I had ds and dh was 46. He has four children from his first marriage, the oldest being 23 and the youngest 14.

It helps, in your situation, if there are other siblings around, of course.

You wish to consolidate your love by having a baby. There ain't nothing wrong with that, kid

[bogwobbit]

My oldest dd was 16 when I got pregnant and was horrified when I told her. Her first reaction was 'that's horrible. Get rid of it!'. I was very hurt, but 3 years on I can understand why she felt like that. I think too that she was a very immature 16 year old...she has grown up a lot since.
She now loves her little sister very much.
I suppose the main risks are difficulty in getting pregnant, higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities, higher risk of miscarriage. I think there are some other risks but I can't remember what they are but a lot of them are to do with not looking after your health in general as you get older.
However if you are healthy and active some of these risks are reduced.
Also, to be honest, 37 isn't really that old now.

[margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo]

37 isn't old!

[mummyto2littleprincess]

it dont matter how old the man is (i think)
and 36 isnt too old to have a child most woman these days are having them older

im not one of them had 1st at 18 2nd at 21 and will be 24 when the 3rd is born

[Pheebe]

37/38 is definitely not too old. As other posters have said many women are waiting til late 30s even early 40s to have first dcs. There are challenges though, some women find it harder to conceive as they get older (some don't), some women find pregnancy physically harder as they get older (some don't) and some women find the stress of worrying about abnormalities which are more common among older women very difficult (some don't). Its a very personal thing and if you and your DP and your kids think its the right thing to do, I'd say go for it

[midnightexpress]

I was 39 when I had ds1, 40 when I had ds2. I'm sure it is more tiring than it would have been at 25, but apart from that I think there are also advantages that age brings - less feeling that you might be missing out on other things, a bit more together than we were 10 years ago (a bit...). As for ttc, it is supposed to be more difficult, but depends very much on the individual too. We hadn't exactly planned a 14 month gap between ours.

[FillydoraTonks]

oh god, that is NOT old.

agree that big issue here is your family dynamics.

[RGPargy]

I was 22 when i had DS and am now 39 and expecting my second child in November. My DP is 25.

We haven't ruled out the possibility of having more children after this LO is born too so you are deffo not too old!!!

[vole3]

My mum was 46 and my dad 64 in the year that I was born. Oops didn't quite cover it

I don't recall noticing that they were older than my friends parents at the time, but it was my 6 older siblings that tended to do the active stuff with me as my dad only had one leg following a bike accident as a young man.

I lost my dad when I was 17 and just getting to know him. I have just had DS at 36, my husband is 42. Luckily his parents had him when they were in their 20's, but I do wonder if my mum will be around long enough for DS to be able to remember her.

These days 40 is the new 30 and people are much younger in body and mind than they were when we were kids, so if you feel up to it - go for it!

[MrsMar]

I'm 37 and having my first so from a medical point of view I think it's fine, I've had a totally problem free pregnancy (so far, fingers crossed!) Have you had a chat to your other children, do you know why your older child would react badly, would it be because he/she would feel pushed out or sidelined? How do your children get on with your partner? Is it worth you sitting down with just your children and having a chat about concerns/fears and your dp doing the same with his son?

[BetsyBoop]

Physically not too old no.

I had DD at 39 & will be almost 41 when this one arrives. (DH will be 42)

My parents had me when they were both 42 (took 11 yrs after my DB for me to come along, they'd just about given up)

However one thing to think about...

I was 30 when my Mum died & 35 when my Dad died, so my DC will never get to meet my parents - DH's Father is also dead, so there is only DH's Mum left - similarly I only remember my Granny as the others died before I was born or when I was just a toddler. I often feel a bit guilty that any children my DC have may suffer the same fate That said who knows when that bus will get anyone, if your number's up & all that....

I'm not trying to put you off at all, just something else to think about

[Kewcumber]

it does matter how old hte man is. ALhtough men are fertile much older than women their fertility does decline in teh same way that womens does, their sprem becomes less mobile and dies more quickly. It doesn;t affect fertility to the same degree as an older woman but undoubtedly does affect it Its why clinics won;t accept older sperm donors.

[ib]

My mum had me and my sis in her 20s, then remarried and had 2 dc more in her late 30s. Apparently I was a right PITA for a while but I adapted and now love my sibs to bits!

Have just had my first at almost 35, would love some more

[ImBarryScott]

My mother was 41 when she had me - apparently 30 years go this was considered a little unusual. The pregnancy was no bother, and I don't recall her being tired, or a bit of a fuddy-duddy at all. My mother also had 2 children from a previous relationship, and as far as little me was concerned, having older half-siblings was wonderful - so many people to read to me, play with me etc. All good then!

[winegumss]

goodness not atall, i had all 3 over 37 and everything was fine. if you are fit and healthy there is no problem, just a little more tired than a 25 yr old i guess. my mum had ds2 with her second husband when she was 37/8 and i was 20, loveld everything about it. - go for it xx

[winegumss]

having said all that i really really would love to have another - now 41.5 but my dh says absolutely not - i would be too tired and not be attentive to his needs enough!!! so i now wish i was younger

[NKF]

What an intriguing question. Or rather set of questions. When you say 'too old' do you mean in terms of risks or likelihood of conceiving. Or is it concern about being older parents?

And selfish is an interesting word to use too. Any more selfish than it would be at 26?

I agree with whoever said it sounds as if family dynamics are the real issue here. That and how much you both really want to have a child together.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Desiderata]

And to put a different spin on this, don't forget that before the Pill in the early sixties, it was very common for women to have kids right up until the menopause.

The era of mums who were all in their twenties and not beyond it was relatively short lived. I was born in 1965 and I would say that a young mum was the norm then ... because of the Pill. But for generations (in fact since time immemorial), mothers were of all ages.