Abortion regret

[PMI96]

Hi,

I’ve not used this before but feel I have no one to talk to. I’ve recently had a medical abortion and I have never regretted anything more in my life. I made a last minute choice to terminate the pregnancy after going back and forth for weeks. My partner was also unsure, he was telling me it was probably best to try another time as we are not where we want to be in our lives right now, then he would change his mind to wanting to keep the baby, then go back and forth too.. I know what I’ve done has upset him... I just wish I listened to my heart instead of my head and other people’s opinions. I know that I might get judged for this post and that usually people have a sense of relief after an abortion but I’m heartbroken and feeling so empty. I want to get pregnant again. Would love to know if anyone else has been in this situation?

[StealthPolarBear]

I'm so sorry. You need to talk to someone, a good listener who is impartial.
And there's nothing stopping you thinking about when might be the right time to have a baby for you. Just because now isn't it doesn't mean it never will be.

[PMI96]

Thankyou, I regret my decision so much and feel a sense of loss... I know right now wouldn’t have been the perfect time financially and that was the main reason I went ahead with it, but in my heart I know I’m ready to be a parent and to give everything I possibly could to my child and I have always wanted too be a mum. I just wish I never did it

[MissYeti]

There's never a right time to have a baby, op. Regret is a hard thing, especially with something so life changing. Please be kind to yourself, talk to someone!

Given that you and your partner were both back and forth with it means that the seed is planted in both your minds that you do want children together. Talk to him. This might be the step you both needed to take to know 100% what you both want

[PMI96]

Yeah I know and that’s what I kept telling myself there’s no right time. I guess I just doubted myself because everyone else around me was too..

I’m gonna talk to him. Before the abortion we was having arguments due to us being unsure on what to do. Then he was supportive during the abortion now he’s drifted away which is making me feel even worse. I think the abortion has affected him too.

[Yogagirl123]

Sending you a hug OP. Remember you made that decision for the right reasons at the time. Let your hormones settle, and perhaps have some counselling. Good luck for the future.

[charliep92]

Hey, I know what you're going through.
3 years ago I got pregnant unexpectedly with my now husband and we didn't know what to do. Financially we were okay and we owned our house but we were young and it was bad timing in other areas. We had an abortion and I've thought about it a lot. We started trying for a baby last summer and had a miscarriage in January and I felt like it was karma and a lot of feelings came up. I've been lucky to conceive again since and am now 20 weeks pregnant.
Now sure if it will help but for me, the time wasn't right and I wasn't sure if things would work out between us cus of the added stress if we were to have a baby. We now have a bigger house and because this baby was planned, we are both so excited and have been from the moment we found out (minus nerves).
You can always try again in the future and you will know it'll be the right time for you.
Hopefully you can feel better soon x

[IdaBWells]

It doesn't matter how other women feel after an abortion OP, we can't control our feelings and feelings aren't wrong. If you feel you would like more support to help you process your experience, here are two organizations. Your partner is also very welcome to contact them, they help anyone affected by abortion.

www.archtrust.org.uk

Rachel's Vineyard is Catholic but you don't need to be Catholic or Christian you use their services.
www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk

[IdaBWells]

For some people abortion does not create an emotional reaction, others experience it as traumatic. There isn't any right or wrong in how we feel, we just need help and support if we are struggling. Hope you find comfort and peace OP

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain right now. Regret is a perfectly norma response to a situation where you had choice.
You didn't do the wrong thing. You did the best thing for you at the time. I know someone who had an abortion and went on to get pregnant a couple of months later. I myself had an early miscarriage and was pregnant within a month.
But the thing is you now have a chance to grieve, reassess if you need to and truly decide what is best for you.
It will get easier. I promise.

[GiggleMcDimples]

No judgement here.
It must be so heartbreaking for you and I agree with others that you need to talk to someone about this to be able to at least begin to move on from it. It's early days yet and you are probably also going through a lot of hormonal changes from the pregnancy. Please try and be gentle with yourself, you decided on the termination with the best possible intention for not only yourselves but the future life of the baby and decided that it wasn't the right time. It wasn't a case of not wanting a baby so you are bound to feel conflicted about it especially seeing as you were both undecided until the last minute.
Try and focus on the reasons why it wasn't the right time, and the better life you can give a baby when you feel it's a better time.
Massive gentle hugs to you

[DeReynolds]

It will become easier to live with. One day you will be able to say the word "abortion" out loud and not feel sick or bad or whatever other torturous feelings that you currently have.

It's ok to feel like this. I felt the same. But I realised that a bell cannot be unrung. What is done is done. I have never been the same person as I was before the abortion.

I wanted to split up with my partner as I felt I just wanted to disassociate with anything to do with it.

We didn't, we spoke openly and he listened to my sadness. We went on to have a child and I tortured myself through the whole pregnancy. I was convinced 100% that something bad was going to happen as karma etc.

I honestly don't know what point I am trying to get across. I don't think about the child first thing in the morning or last thing at night anymore, it pops into my head every so often. I will never forget. It does get easier to live with and you will learn to get some peace with it all.

Sending you lots of comfort.

[MaverickSnoopy]

You have described the situation I was in 10 years ago. My partner was keen to continue with the pregnancy but was supportive either way. I was worried due to finances and only recently moving in together as well as the relationship being fairly new. As time moved on I became more and more worried about needing to make a decision. I terminated because I couldn't hang on any longer and just wasn't sure. I left feeling empty and bereft. My partner (now DH) asked me if I went through with it with such hope in his voice that he just couldn't hide. I took 3 weeks off work because I was so distressed about having terminated.

I spent 3 years desperately wanting a child. In the end we decided not to let it be in vein and we saved our backsides off and got to the place we wanted to be financially. 10 years on we have 3 children and own a house. Finances aren't perfect but it's enough for us now. I have come to realise that if it wasn't for the choice I made then, we wouldn't have what we have now. Aside from anything else, the reasons I had back then were perfectly valid.

Your reasons are valid. Even if you regret your decision, you mustn't forget that you did feel very strongly about your reasons. I genuinely know though that it can be hard to look back critically and believe that.

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I would urge you to take some time and to work out what it is that you want from life and what your financial situation needs to be for you to feel secure. Having a child is life changing and it does incur costs that you wouldn't always expect. Of course many people manage on not very much and it all works out. It's not always very fun though. But it's considering what you want most of all.

[tisonlymeagain]

Be kind to yourself. Abortion regret is a difficult emotion to handle. As a PP said - for some people there are. I emotional repercussions, for others it's a life changing traumatic experience. I fell into the latter and still experience regret over 20 years later. There's no easy fix but it does get easier to deal with.

[PMI96]

Thankyou everyone for your kind messages, I have just tried to speak to my OH about it telling him I need him here atm. I’ve not seen him since the abortion (he dropped me home afterwards) and he’s saying he needs space to think about if he wants to be with me because of the arguments we had before we went ahead with the abortion. Why now? Why couldn’t he wait to do this? He says I’m too argumentative but that was when I was pregnant, hormonal and confused. I’ve now lost my baby and I’m loosing my boyfriend. This is possibly the worst thing to happen in my life so far.

[Bubbletrouble43]

Sending you hugs op. I'm so sorry. I also had a termination once that I immediately regretted , however in hindsight I have more recently looked back on it as entirely the right decision. I think you will feel the same, just not right now.

[IdaBWells]

I am sorry this has become a painful experience for you both. As someone who has been married 23 years, it is so important that you and your permanent partner can draw together in challenging times. I know it is still very early days but how you both manage to navigate this as a couple will be an important gauge for your future. The services I listed help couples after abortion, maybe you can speak to a third party together?

[Mamabear12]

It’s never a right time to have a baby. But what’s done is done, I would now focus on healing and seeing someone to help with your feelings of regret. Focus on getting yourselves ready financially. If your are Young wait at least a year before trying again to get yourself prepared. You also don’t want to get pregnant now when your head is not in the right place.

[aquarianaura]

I have to say that firstly I'm so sorry you've been through this, and also that I'm so glad you've reached out. I had a medical termination at 7 weeks in February, and although I was certain, and my DP supported me all the way, I felt a deep sense of loss afterwards.

Physical loss and emotional too. I felt physically empty which was a strange sensation I hadn't anticipated, and I was mentally broken and devastated. I was also traumatised from "the day" and how it was so much worse than I was expecting. I was mostly in bed for weeks after because I was so depressed and struggling so much, and I realised fairly soon after that I actually do want a child and honestly it's pretty much all I've thought about since.

I'm still struggling now, but far better because I've come to terms with it now and I can see that I did in fact make the right decision in that moment, both for me, my partner, and future child. My mindset has shifted dramatically and now I am in a space to organise my life, change what needs to be changed, and I know we will TTC in the future when we feel that we're in the right place.

What I'll say to you is to allow yourself to feel all these complex feelings now, recognise that you did make the right decision even though it's painful, and remember that you cannot change the past but you can create your future. Now is the time to get absolutely certain on everything in your life, relationship included, and also work towards anything that you want to do, like moving to an area you love or saving up money. Look to the future when you feel ready, but allow yourself to mourn.

I'm planning on marking my estimated due date by lighting a candle and spending the day in quiet meditation and contemplation whilst also continuing to work towards the future, because I know this will be helpful to me. Perhaps you could do something similar.

Also remember that sometimes the worst things in life end up being blessings once we look back on them years afterwards. We can't see that in the moment, but this could be the turning point for you to have the best life and family you could ever imagine. Better than you can imagine right now.

Sorry this was so long. Know that it gets better.

[PMI96]

Thankyou all for your advice and giving me someone to talk too in this horrible time. Also thankyou for sharing your stories with me it’s comforting in knowing I’m not the only one who’s gone through/going through this situation.

UPDATE

My boyfriend has now told me he needs space to think about if he wants to be with me or not... he left me after the abortion was over, dropped me home as he had things to do and I haven’t seen him since. When he rang to see if I was okay that’s when he told me he needs space to think about us - he’s saying it’s because I was argumentative the day before and through the pregnancy I was argumentative, but I was scared, confused, hormonal and not knowing what to do!

At first I cried, asked why he wants space and that I need him at this time! but now I’ve just said he can take all the space he needs as I don’t know what else to do and don’t want to beg or pester him to push him away even further.

I have lost my baby and feel asif I’m loosing him is making it harder to cope. I feel extremely emotional and vulnerable right now, luckily I do have family and friends around me but it’s not the same as someone I thought would have been going through this with me.

[IdaBWells]

Moodiness is all part of pregnancy. Morning sickness is due to the huge surge in hormones that just has a steep trajectory upward until they finally begin to plateau at around 3 months (for most women). You will now be on an enormous hormonal withdrawal that's very likely to give you very overwhelming emotions but this is all temporary until you get back to hormonal equilibrium.

[StealthPolarBear]

Oh op how awful :( he doesn't sound like he was very supportive at a time when he should be looking after you even more. You're being really strong and I'm glad you've got people around you.

[Doormat247]

I went through this last year. I felt the same way as you do now but it did pass after a couple of months even though I thought I'd feel that way forever.
I didn't think I'd ever forgive my partner for wanting me to have a termination - I felt pushed into it even though it was my decision in the end and I was very unfeeling towards my partner and assumed he didn't have any regrets/cares about the baby (he did, I just didn't accept that in my angry/upset state).

I am now pregnant again and I feel nothing - I wanted the first baby but I don't want this one deep down. I wouldn't advise you to get pregnant any time soon - make sure you're completely healed mentally before even considering another baby.
(Before anyone starts throwing nasty comments about me not wanting my baby, there are potentially very bad issues with this pregnancy and I can't get the NHS to do anything about it so I'm at a loss what to do other than fear the worst).

[StealthPolarBear]

Oh doormat
I hope everything works out with the pregnancy x

[GiggleMcDimples]

Hi OP,
How are you doing today?

[PMI96]

Hi @GiggleMcDimples I’m doing a little better today. I went and spent the day with a friend to get my mind off things. Thankyou for asking! Still finding it hard but getting through it