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Pregnancy

Do I tell my babies dad....

20 replies

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 11:51

The “father” of my baby has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with this baby. He didn’t come to the dating scan or ask me how it went. A few days later he randomly messaged asking if I got pics and could he see. I said I didn’t think you would want to but sure.

Fast forward to week 15 and a week on Sunday I am having a private scan at just over 16 weeks. I’m excited but nervous. My 2 best friends and my 2 daughters are coming.

My question is.... do I tell the father or do i just forget about it altogether. Bearing in mind he’s not asked about us at all since my scan. But then why would he? He’s made his feelings very clear. Xx

OP posts:

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Clayplease · 19/07/2019 12:04

Sorry to be no help- that's really tricky, I don't know. My first instinct was no, don't say. It's up to him and if he wants any involvement he should really also be checking how you are. Hope you get some more helpful answers!

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 19/07/2019 12:08

Forget about him. This is a special moment for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2019 12:08

Don’t tell him. He’s not interested and you should focus on your pregnancy, your daughters and yourself.

Make sure you give the baby your last name.

PixieLumos · 19/07/2019 12:20

Like you said, he’s made his feelings clear - or at least he seemed to. It’s not fair that you should have to give this any thought at what should be an exciting time for you. I think texting you and asking for pictures isn’t on - he should be continually involved and supportive and if he chooses not to be then he should leave you alone so you can focus on what’s important.

PixieLumos · 19/07/2019 12:22

So to answer your question no, I wouldn’t waste time or thoughts on him. Just look forward to your scan

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 19/07/2019 12:24

No.

Your medical appointments and internal photographs are none of his business.

If he asks how the baby is you can tell him but you don’t have to go out of your way to inform him of anything. He has been clear he wants nothing to do with the baby. Believe him. Dont chase him.

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 12:33

Thanks all! Guess I just needed to hear my thoughts coming from other people!

@AnneLovesGilbert the baby will be having my surname :) I already have my names in place 😍 there is no way he’s being on the birth certificate either.

I have a mw appointment Monday and I’m going to ask him to be removed as my next of kin as well and put my friend down! Xx

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Hellosunshine30 · 19/07/2019 16:01

I don't know your situation, but maybe he's just finding it hard to adjust to this news. I would personally telly him. At the end of the day it is his child too, and at least you are being the bigger person by telling him you have a scan.

Dont meant to be nosey, but did you split up because of baby?

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 16:27

Yes. He’s done a lot of messing me about. There will be no going back. He sent some awful messages to my daughter. I posted about them on here and then this. One min he doesn’t want it then he does. Now he absolutely doesn’t. X

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Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 16:42

Certainly don’t want him coming coming to my scans or appointments it was more do I drop him a message once I know the sex. But I honestly know he’s not interested so I don’t feel theres much point in telling him xx

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Dramaofallama · 19/07/2019 17:20

I am in the same position as you OP, my baby's father made it clear that he isn't interested and has made no contact with me or asked how the baby is.
I have only informed him when the baby is due and nothing else. I personally can't see what good it would do updating him atm when he has been adamant that he doesn't care.
I would tell your midwife to take him off you're notes if he is next of kin.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/07/2019 17:23

No I wouldn’t contact him to tell him.

At the end of the day he knows your pregnant and if he was interested he’d be checking in once in a while. If he messages and asks if you know the sex etc at some point of course I’d tell him but I wouldn’t be doing the chasing

MoggyP · 19/07/2019 17:27

You do not have to invite anyone to your medical appointments that you do not with to be there.

It could be argued that an additional private scan isn't really a medical appointment. They're not going to carry out any baby checks unless there is a gross anomaly (presumably that's why you have friends there, so they can take charge off your DDs if necessary?), so I think the counter argument is that this is a social occasion, and again there is no need to invite.

I do not think you need to communicate with him again until the baby has been born. Though politely acknowledging any communications from him, as minimally as possible, is probably the right thing to do.

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 17:42

Yes the scan was more an occasion to share with my girls and friends and also me being impatient with knowing what I am having! Plus it was on offer! My 20wk one is in August nearly a month later!
@Dramaofallama sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. I will be having a section before my due date. I’m due in jan but I actually think I’ll have my baby in December! Although can’t be sure until I’ve seen my consultant! X

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Abi58 · 19/07/2019 17:50

@Starlight84 sorry to hear you're going through that and sorry to hear he is being such a 'delight' (replace with whatever word you wish)

I agree he doesn't need to know about your apps especially if showed no interest in the previous ones or anything since. It's is however up to you if you wanted to be the bigger person and tell him that way you know you tried your best and he is the 'delight'

Personally (although it is completely your choice this is a snapshot and no idea what else has gone on) I would put him on the birth certificate, not for him but for your child so they know who their father is, as he IS the father it makes sense he be named doesn't mean he has to or will have anything to do with them. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across in a negative way)

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 17:57

It will give him “parental responsibility” though and I don’t want him to have any rights like that. He would be able to stroll into my work and just take the baby without my say so and the staff couldn’t actually stop him. Only stall him until I arrive there. I have some pictures of myself and the babies dad to print off and I shall put them in a memory box for when that time comes. X

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stilldontgiveaf · 19/07/2019 18:14

Just replied to a comment of yours on another post weirdly! I'm 19 weeks tomorrow and my baby's father also doesn't want to know. He's never really asked anything and I was in some form of contact with him until the last few days. I've decided to drop him completely. I can't allow him to ruin anymore of this pregnancy. You should do the same 💐

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 19/07/2019 19:57

Definitely don't put him on the bc and give the little one your surname. No person being scared gives them an excuse to be horrible to another person especially a pregnant one.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 19/07/2019 20:03

At the end of the day it is his child too

which he said he wants nothing to do with
which he can ask about if he is interested.

Starlight84 · 19/07/2019 21:05

Sorry to hear that @stilldontgiveaf. We can’t force them at the end of the day and they can’t decided when and if they are going to show interest! I don’t think this babies dad ever will and he will certainly have some explaining to do to my dad first as my whole family are disgusted with him, more so for not even asking how I am. I need to start enjoying my pregnancy and just put it to the back of my mind. Xx

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