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Need some advice please

(109 Posts)
Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 10:31:13

Hi I'd like some advice so I have 3 children one dd thats 12 years another dd thats 2 turning 3 in december and a ds thats 1 and four months and Tuesday just passed I've found out that I'm pregnant which is a shock as me and my partner use contraception, so this is where I need advice I told my partner I'm pregnant he said he doesn't want anymore and he wants me to get a abortion he said I can do want I want but If I keep it he's not sticking around I really don't know what to do or think I told him it's ok for him to say that as his body isn't going through all of this I'm already feeling sicky and tired please help

Bambamber Sun 14-Jul-19 13:00:01

No one can make this decision other than you. If you want to continue this pregnancy, you should do. You should never let another person pressure you into an abortion or you will regret it. Just be prepared that if you do keep the baby you will likely be doing it alone. As your partner he should be supporting you during this time, not essentially emotionally blackmailing you into an abortion.

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 13:25:54

Thanks for replying I'm just so stuck on what to do I'm glad you see it the same way I do, I left it a few days and tried to speak to him yesterday about it he's still saying the same I booked in for a abortion to make him get off my case it's for next Friday now I feel pressured to make a decision before Friday if I'm being honest if I get a abortion I don't think I'll ever forgive myself I took a clear blue test it said 2-3 weeks but I did the due date calculator and that says I'm 5 weeks even though I'm early I still feel like it's a living thing with a tiny beating heart that I'd be killing if I got a abortion I really don't think I'd forgive myself

Spam88 Sun 14-Jul-19 13:35:21

You have to do what's right for you. Don't even consider him in this decision. If he'd leave you over this then what's to stop him leaving over something else in a few months time - how would you cope with that if the only reason you'd had an abortion was so he wouldn't leave you?

Huggybear16 Sun 14-Jul-19 13:40:58

What do you want to do OP?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 13:45:05

I know I keep thinking where it's came from for him to be saying it as we have been together for 4 years the two youngest are his children too and I'd never expect him to be like this I think deep down I know I want to keep it as I've never thought twice about it with my others

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 13:46:41

@Huggybear16 I really don't know I'm still in shock myself

newmomof1 Sun 14-Jul-19 13:50:40

I'd leave him for trying to force me into an abortion anyway.
Do whatever you need to do OP. What kind of a man would walk out on his family because there's another little one coming along? He's a dick.

If you stay together make him get a vasectomy. If he doesn't want any more children he should make sure he can't get anyone pregnant.

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 14:03:44

@newmomof1 you made me laugh bloody got me out my own mind of stressing for a minute and your so right I don't know why he's being like this I don't know if he scared or just generally being a dick I'm in so much shock myself at the minute that his crap is just stressing me keep bloody crying my hormones are bloody everywhere in happy I'm pregnant them I'm worried it's another one to soon then I'm worried about what he's saying then I think fuck him then I cry then I do it all all over again

Michellebops Sun 14-Jul-19 16:05:20

Sorry your emotions are going through this.

Your body , your choice. Yes it's both your responsibility but at the end of the day it's your decision. He can give his thoughts but that's it.

By threatening to leave you is just bullying and controlling behaviour and to be honest if you truly want to keep this baby and allow yourself be talked into a termination the chances of a relationship surviving is limited anyway.

Do you have other support around you?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 16:14:16

@Michellebops no l don't really have any other support around me I just don't know what to do my emotions are everywhere

Michellebops Sun 14-Jul-19 16:23:37

3 kids under 4 will be tough but I'm sure your 12 year old will be a help.

The good thing is you have time, I'd cancel the appointment on Friday and give yourself another few weeks to weigh up your options.

Keep chatting to us and we'll support you as you need it ❤️

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 16:53:35

Thank you just talking about it is making me feel better and I think your right about cancelling my appointment as I feel pressured thanks again ❤

Michellebops Sun 14-Jul-19 16:58:21

Keep chatting if you want. I'm not going to judge or persuade you in either direction.

Sometimes talking it out to a stranger is good x

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 14-Jul-19 17:22:35

I feel like someone actually listening to me I try and speak to him about it and he's really funny about it saying nothing is going to change his mind xx

Huggybear16 Tue 16-Jul-19 17:10:46

How are you @Lovemybabiessomuch?

Lovemybabiessomuch Tue 16-Jul-19 18:19:59

@Huggybear16 I'm getting there I booked a midwife appointment today and I'm going to cancel the other appointment x

Lovemybabiessomuch Tue 16-Jul-19 18:21:19

@Huggybear16 are you ok ? X

Michellebops Tue 16-Jul-19 19:03:09

How did your oh take your decision?

Hope you're ok?

Huggybear16 Tue 16-Jul-19 19:17:23

That's good to hear @Lovemybabiessomuch

Don't be pushed into doing something you don't want to. This is your decision. Keep us updated, if you want to. Good luck.

Lovemybabiessomuch Tue 16-Jul-19 21:02:07

@Michellebops he's still being really funny about it xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Tue 16-Jul-19 21:12:55

@Huggybear16 I won't let anyone do that and I will keep u updated x

Michellebops Tue 16-Jul-19 22:40:08

Were both hand holding with you xx

Mrsmummy90 Wed 17-Jul-19 00:04:35

Glad you've made the decision to do what you feel is right.
Don't ever let anyone pressure you to terminate if it isn't what you want. X

Lovemybabiessomuch Wed 17-Jul-19 11:14:11

@Michellebops thank you hun xxx

Lovemybabiessomuch Wed 17-Jul-19 11:15:33

@Mrsmummy90 I won't I'm still in shock about being pregnant but I'm not going to be forced by anyone to terminate x

Huggybear16 Fri 19-Jul-19 18:16:28

How are you @Lovemybabiessomuch?

Did you manage to cancel your appointment? It was supposed to be today, wasn't it? How has it been for you this week?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 09:15:41

@Huggybear16 hi yes I did I cancelled it this week's been awful my partner is just being so horrible still being the same about it but when he realised I really wasn't going yesterday he started even more saying he don't want it when he is asked to come to any appointments he won't come and he wants me to lose it I'm so emotionally drained xx

Mrsmummy90 Sat 20-Jul-19 09:35:50

Leave him. He's an utter shit!

Huggybear16 Sat 20-Jul-19 10:49:33

He's being so horrible to you OP, I feel for you.

Have you made an appointment with your midwife yet?

Do you have any friends or family you can talk to about this?

What a PP says is right - even if you agreed to have an abortion, the fact that he pushed you into it will make you feel differently about him. This may mean the relationship is dead anyway.

Your 12 year old could be a huge help to you with your younger ones. I know my sister gets her 12 year old to help out a lot with her toddler.

Don't rush into anything.

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 15:44:17

@Mrsmummy90 I don't get why he's being like this at all

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 15:49:19

@Huggybear16 yes I've booked a midwife appointment it's on the 6th of Aug I'm 7 weeks today and I won't rush into anything I haven't really got anyone to talk to about it as my sister and dad will just end up agreeing with what I say I want honest opinions xx

dreichhighlands Sat 20-Jul-19 15:50:06

Having been the 12 year old in this situation please don't use her as a stand in parent it is rubbish for her.
If you are able to care for your dc by yourself then that is absolutely fine but your dc is a dc and doesn't deserve to be used as a free childcare.
You shouldn't be pressured into anything by your partner. Have you been able to talk about what is causing him such high stress levels?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 16:31:24

@dreichhighlands I never said I was going to use my 12 year old as child care at all I'm more than capable of looking after my children myself I have a 1 and four month old and a two year old already and yes I've tried speaking to him but he's not having any of it he hasn't got high stress levels he's just being completely ignorant of the whole situation

dreichhighlands Sat 20-Jul-19 16:55:15

OP I didn't say you were planning on using your dc as childcare but you were being encouraged to do so
* Your 12 year old could be a huge help to you with your younger ones. I know my sister gets her 12 year old to help out a lot with her toddler.*
For example.
Your DP certainly doesn't sound helpful at present. What are his key objections to another dc? What does he either see changing or not getting better from where you are now?
You may well end up going it alone but really understanding what your DP's concerns might give you both something to work with.

Michellebops Sat 20-Jul-19 17:22:20

@dreichhighlands no one was encouraging anyone to use a 12 year old as free childcare.
What we said was that her 12 year old will be a great help. That's not free childcare. That's being a sister. Siblings play with each other, especially older ones which is a big help for any parent.

The op already has 2 young toddlers so is already aware of what's ahead.

Michellebops Sat 20-Jul-19 17:24:07

@Lovemybabiessomuch been thinking about your situation.

I really hope you make a decision that you're happy with and if your partner doesn't come round then you're able to deal with it x

Sleepycat91 Sat 20-Jul-19 17:40:02

No woman NEEDS a bloke to raise a baby and by the sounds of it youre not going to miss much by him packing up and leaving, id even offer to help. Take control and dont let him bully you, dont sit and wait crying for him to make his mind up, he wants to go? Tell him to be on his way then and wave him out the door. You take care of you and those babies that need you xxx

dreichhighlands Sat 20-Jul-19 18:17:14

My basic point isn't that dc won't play with each other, of course they will and should do so.
However a 12 year old child shouldn't factor into any thinking about whether a parent has the capacity to look after another dc.
The decision needs to be made by the parent based on what their individual capacity is and won't be the same for each person.
If OP believes she can cope with another baby then more power to her elbow but is her decision and has nothing to do with a 12 year old dc.
Hopefully DP and OP will be able to have some more productive conversations soon.

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 21:40:25

@dreichhighlands we have had constructive conversations read my original post there is nothing more to it than that and like I said before I got to little ones now I'll be fine with another little one

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 21:41:22

@Michellebops thanks honey well I've decided I'm keeping it if he wants to go then so be it xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 20-Jul-19 21:44:22

@Sleepycat91 your right I'm not going to be bullied in to having a termination and I agree if he wants to go I should wave him off x

Huggybear16 Sun 21-Jul-19 11:20:26

I was the one who said her 12 year old will be helpful, not the OP. Being helpful is different to being relied upon for childcare.

The main point is that OP should not terminate her pregnancy if she doesn't want to.

Glad you've organised a midwife appointment @Lovemybabiessomuch
Maybe discuss this with the midwife and see if there is any support that you can access?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 21-Jul-19 11:57:59

@Huggybear16 I'd rather not discuss it with the midwife I'd not want them to take it out of proportion and all sorts start happening you know how over exaggerating some of them can be xx

Michellebops Sun 21-Jul-19 17:16:39

I said it too @Huggybear16 and totally stand by it. Love how some people read something and pick a small thing and blow it up and out of proportion 🤦🏼‍♀️

Glad you have the midwife appointment booked @Lovemybabiessomuch I agree I wouldn't mention the situation until you're sorted in your head what's happening at home.

Hope you're keeping well xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 21-Jul-19 17:41:24

@Michellebops Thanks hun and I know I think it's the best idea not to say much to the midwife and I know people just like to take things a little to far

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 21-Jul-19 17:44:24

@Michellebops I forgot to say yes I'm doing ok feeling a little bit sicky the morning sickness and baby brain is kicking in hope your well xxx

Michellebops Sun 21-Jul-19 18:09:31

Glad to hear it.

I'm officially 1 day overdue. Not tested yet as I had a night out last night.

Don't want to waste my frer in case af decides to put in an appearance.

🤞🤞🤞

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 21-Jul-19 19:07:26

@Michellebops ohh I'm excited for you xx

Michellebops Sun 21-Jul-19 19:30:09

Will keep you updated, though I'm not confident x

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 21-Jul-19 20:52:14

Oh do please and I'll keep everything crossed for you @Michellebops ❤ xx

Michellebops Mon 22-Jul-19 13:34:25

Tested and totally negative! Oh well 😔

Lovemybabiessomuch Mon 22-Jul-19 16:35:02

Oh what a shame I thought the same when I found out though as I took the test and it went straight negative I put it on the side and went back to it about 5 minutes later and it had a faint second line so I went and got a clear blue test and it said 2 to 3 weeks but since that I spoke to the midwife and she said I'm further gone I'm now 7 weeks 2 days xxx

Michellebops Mon 22-Jul-19 19:45:48

7 weeks? Oh my goodness and exciting.

I'm 2 days late and definitely negative, not even a hint of a line or shadow 😭

Lovemybabiessomuch Mon 22-Jul-19 22:34:28

@Michellebops yes I know it's all gone rather fast can't get my head round it yet got major baby brain too and aww I'm guttered for you hun it will happen soon sure but with you only being 2 days late it might be a little early to test yet xxx

Lovemybabiessomuch Mon 22-Jul-19 22:35:19

That should of said it will happen soon I'm sure xxx

Michellebops Mon 22-Jul-19 22:58:43

Thank you. I honestly don't think it will. I'm
Too old now. I had a laparoscopy last month and hoped it had cleared me out. I fell pregnant this time last year after same op

I have a 3 year old already and can cope if there's not to be another.

Lovemybabiessomuch Wed 24-Jul-19 09:22:16

@Michellebops aww bless you I'm hopeful for you and I have a 2 year old will be 3 on Dec 23 she's in the terrible two stage at the minute have you got a little boy or girl ? Xx

Michellebops Wed 24-Jul-19 10:48:20

I have a girl. She's fab. Really well behaved and no trouble at all.

Childminder and others tell me I'm very lucky.

Still no sign of period. Now 4 days late!

Lovemybabiessomuch Wed 24-Jul-19 18:37:13

I think you should get another test maybe a clear blue one and awww bless her my little ones crazy around me but everyone says oh she so well behaved grin typical haha xxxx

Michellebops Wed 24-Jul-19 18:45:50

It arrived tonight after work 😭😭😭

Totally gutted and disheartened x

Lovemybabiessomuch Wed 24-Jul-19 21:15:21

@Michellebops aww sweetness I'm so sorry generally really guttered for you but you never know what the future has instore babe chin up chest out xxxx

Michellebops Wed 24-Jul-19 21:31:59

Thank you xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 25-Jul-19 09:03:02

Your welcome my lovely xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Fri 26-Jul-19 21:40:25

@Michellebops how are you lovely ? Xxx

Michellebops Sat 27-Jul-19 07:11:48

Hiya, yeah I'm not too bad. Got an appointment with my consultant today following a laparoscopy last month.

Fingers crossed this is my month 🤞

How are you doing? How's things at home? X

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 27-Jul-19 21:07:49

@Michellebops that's good news then hun and yes this month's your month lovely and not to good he kicked off again the other night told me he don't want this 9lne having his last name and that he still don't want it the night before he had a few to many with his friend and told me to go and drink a bottle of gin and have a hot bath then this morning he starting saying he wants me to book in with the abortion clinic again and obviously I said I can't do that he said well just to let you know I won't be treating this one the same God I've had enough of him going on xxx

Michellebops Sat 27-Jul-19 22:27:04

I don't mean to be rude but he sounds a total dick!

Yeah it's not by choice but he's still partly responsible.

I'd be telling him he doesn't deserve this one to have his name and you'll be applying to have the others changed to your name.

Obviously these are just my opinion and you have to do what's best for you mr family unit xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 28-Jul-19 11:29:03

@Michellebops no your not being rude I actually agree I don't know where this has came from he's never been like this i really don't get it.
What annoys me more is he'll go a few days and not say a thing so I'll think he's getting his head around it then out the blue he'll just kick off I really don't get it xxx

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 28-Jul-19 22:11:20

It's 22.10 just came to bed and the morning sickness has kicked in fell like I'm on a bloody boat motion sickness and sea sickness all in one

Michellebops Sun 28-Jul-19 22:22:17

Oh no! I never had any sickness with either of my pregnancies (very lucky I know) hope it doesn't last too long 🙏🏻

Lovemybabiessomuch Sun 28-Jul-19 23:07:11

@Michellebops withy two girls I was so sick to the stage of my second little girl sent me to hospital with dehydration as I couldn't hold anything downy little boy just made me feel sicky like how I feel now flavoured water seems to settle it smile 8 weeks and a day today xxx

Michellebops Mon 29-Jul-19 06:59:33

🤞 it passes.

Have you had your booking appointment yet? Xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Mon 29-Jul-19 09:13:27

No its the 6th of Aug hun xx

Michellebops Sat 03-Aug-19 13:00:09

@Lovemybabiessomuch how are you doing?

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 03-Aug-19 13:08:48

@Michellebops I'm ok thanks bad nausea though 9 weeks today how are you? Xx

Michellebops Sat 03-Aug-19 13:53:55

I'm good thanks. On a hen weekend and according to flo app my ov day is Tomorrow 🙈 but another app says Thursday so will need to be busy when I get back x

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 03-Aug-19 20:41:52

Oh sounds good have a great time and yes you will my lovely I have a good feeling about this month for you hun xx

Michellebops Thu 08-Aug-19 06:22:32

How did you get on at your appointment @Lovemybabiessomuch ? Xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 08-Aug-19 09:36:07

@Michellebops good hun everything was normal had some bloody taken and did a wee sample to send off but every thing was good blood pressure was fine too I'm 9 weeks 5 days I'm due the bath of March 5 days after my sons 2nd birthday it all seems so real now and my partner has been fine not said anything for days then out the blue started again angry how are you? Xx

Huggybear16 Thu 08-Aug-19 14:50:01

Hi @Lovemybabiessomuch

I've been thinking about you. Your husband is such a prick. I can't believe he'd say these things to you.

I'm glad your appointment went well. Look after yourself. Don't let him bully you.

March due date! Think of the money you'll save with the joint birthday parties grin

On a serious note - you've got little ones already, so keep everything you could use again for this one. Babies don't need a lot. It's when they get older they cost a bomb (I hear, mine's only 2½)

Michellebops Thu 08-Aug-19 15:10:56

Glad you're keeping well!

I'm doing ok, about to enter my 2ww again so I have my fingers crossed xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 08-Aug-19 16:32:23

@Huggybear16 I've still got everything from my little guy so I lucky there and clothes from both of my two youngest and yes they do get more expensive when they get older my oldest is 12 and her things cost a fortune xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 08-Aug-19 16:33:28

@Michellebops ohh exciting hun I'll keep everything crossed for you xxx

Warrior9 Thu 08-Aug-19 18:18:31

Hi sorry to post here I’m struggling to get a response on my own post. I took a test last Thursday 01/08 which was positive but not dark. I continued taking tests for a few days and they stayed faint not getting any darker. (All using Morrison’s test which seem to have good reviews) I left it a couple days and used 2 cheap eBay tests Tuesday with my FMU which most came out negative so I accepted it was most likely a chemical pregnancy. I repeated a eBay test this morning Thursday 08/08, one week following first positive test which was again positive but still not dark. My period was due 03/08 so 5 days ago. Any advice or similar experiences? I am so confused and anxious, I don’t want to go to the doctors as I know there isn’t much they will do and at the stage I am just waiting to bleed 😩 I haven’t had any cramps etc.

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 08-Aug-19 18:51:22

@warrior9 get a clear blue honey the digital one my tests all showed up faint and I was six weeks gone they are still faint if I test now and I'm 9 weeks hope this helps

Warrior9 Thu 08-Aug-19 19:11:22

@lovemybabiessomuch thank you Iv heard mixed reviews about the clear blue digital sand didn’t want to cause further confusion by using one and getting inaccurate results x

Lovemybabiessomuch Thu 08-Aug-19 19:24:33

@warrior9 I've always used them and they have always gave a accurate pregnancy result maybe been abit out on weeks wise but always accurate on pregnant or not xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Fri 09-Aug-19 10:58:13

@Michellebops got my first scan date 5th of Sept so nervous and excited and worried all at the same time x

Michellebops Fri 09-Aug-19 13:54:23

That's lovely @Lovemybabiessomuch

I'm so excited for you xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Fri 09-Aug-19 14:53:28

@Michellebops aww thanks my lovely xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Sat 24-Aug-19 10:06:27

@Michellebops how's things lovely? X

Michellebops Sat 24-Aug-19 18:21:12

Hey! Another negative this month. Thinking about giving up completely this time for sure.

How are you keeping? How's things at home? Xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Mon 26-Aug-19 21:45:22

@Michellebops oh don't give up yet hun and we'll everything has been great I thought he had got his head around it then today out of nowhere just starts being a utter arsehole again just saying horrible stuff again sad I really don't get him xx

Michellebops Tue 27-Aug-19 12:44:05

That's just shite. Much love to you xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Tue 27-Aug-19 21:11:24

@Michellebops thanks lovely it's very much needed he's been a absolute arse again today xx

Lovemybabiessomuch Fri 06-Sep-19 08:45:17

@Michellebops look who I got to see yesterday smile

Michellebops Fri 06-Sep-19 09:26:50

@Lovemybabiessomuch lovely 😘

Michellebops Fri 06-Sep-19 09:27:43

Pressed send too quickly 🤦🏼‍♀️

Is all well? That's is such a clear picture.
Did you go yourself?

PlinkPlink Fri 06-Sep-19 09:48:43

I've only just seen this thread but awfully, it's not the first.

Woman gets pregnant - a risk whenever you have sex (pretty sure people are taught this from quite an early age in school)

Then man decides to be a complete arsehole and make woman decide whether to keep baby or not (because hey, he doesn't have to carry them and sacrifice his body for them) with the added emotional blackmail of "If you keep it, I will leave."

I just wanted to give you some un-Mumsnetty hugs and say I'm so happy you kept the little one. How exciting you've seen them on screen! I'm so happy you have the strength to stand up to his emotional blackmail - very hard to do.

And congratulations!!

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