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Not interested in sex.

(13 Posts)
nzs2019 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:24:29

Just wondered if anyone could give me advice really.

I'm 10w with my first. I've had 2 miscarriages.
This pregnancy I've been so protective over my bean and keeping it safe that I literally don't want to do most things. Including sex.

This is becoming a problem to my other half and he thinks Im not attracted to him and not turned on by him. I've tried to explain he turns me on but the shear worry and anxiety that goes over me the minute anything is beginning to happen just turns me off and I get In a panic.

I've spoken to midwife who said obviously it is safe to have sex however she understands why I don't want it right now given my history.

How can I solve this because it's causing arguements my partner just doesn't understand because we've always had a very active sex life

Fae1989 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:37:49

I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s really hard (not to mention hormones always play a part too).

Without sounding crass could you do other stuff (ie it doesn’t all just have to be about physical sex) foreplay and being intimate goes a lot further and might feel less intrusive?

Worth suggesting?

costacoffeecup Fri 12-Jul-19 17:19:04

He's being a bit silly and it's not fair to guilt trip you about not finding him attractive etc. Wait til you're thirty weeks, huge and achy, and sex is the last thing on your mind! Never mind after the birth. He just needs to suck it up I'm afraid...

sianyb83 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:35:15

I totally relate, I had a miscarriage last November, then in this pregnancy didn't want to have sex at all - rationally I knew it was totally safe, but it felt too invasive and I just couldn't. My worry that was if it caused a bleed I knew I'd jump to thinking it was a mc.
You might find after 12 week scan you feel different, I definitely did, as you can see its tucked out the way...and as you get bigger you'll definitely feel more confident dtd as you can see and feel the baby.
In the later stages of pregnancy I think guys get it more, as you're visible pregnant - harder in the first trimester as you look the same more or less.
Between weeks 12-24 our sex life went back to normal, but its slowed again the last few weeks, but I'm trying to do other 'stuff' so we still have won't be long before I'm pestering him for sex hoping it will bring on labour!!!

aliensprig Fri 12-Jul-19 18:20:00

He needs to get over himself. You don't owe him sex, or anything else for that matter. Tell him to have a hand shandy in the shower.

melissa1215 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:42:37

My and my husband didn't have sex for the first 10 weeks or so out of fear and tbh I didn't feel like it much, he still turned me on but I just felt so tired and drained it was physically impossible to contemplate sex.

I'm 27+4 and we've had sex once or twice a week since about 12 weeks. I know DH would like it more but I'm still so exhausted and my sex drive has decreased and I'd rather be curled up in bed asleep.

I think it's just one of those things, even though it's safe there are so many changes but the further along you get the more at ease you'll start to feel

hipstercat Fri 12-Jul-19 19:15:44

Talk, talk, talk. Explain to him that it is nothing to do with him, and just a totally normal effect of being pregnant (especially after miscarriage). I remember worrying about this early on in my pregnancy as well and came across a thread with dozens and dozens of women saying that they hadn't had sex for much or all of their pregnancy, which made me feel a lot better. Perhaps it also helps your partner to know that it's very common and therefore nothing to do with him or your relationship. I know you said you already tried to explain it to him, but he might just need to hear it again in different words or a different mood. With men, well at least with mine, sometimes things just need a few conversations to click. grin

Please don't feel guilty about this! If there's ever a time to put your needs before his it's now. Pregnancy is tough enough as it is!

tisonlymeagain Fri 12-Jul-19 19:43:41

I understand be fear. I had a massive bleed after sex at 5 weeks and was petrified. Didn't do anything until I had another scan at 7 weeks. Rationally I know that sex does not cause a miscarriage but it's still scary. 10 weeks now and past three weeks we've been doing it 2-3 times a week. I've relaxed a bit and the closeness is really important to me. It helps that's he's really good at relaxing me and there's no pressure, and sometimes like another poster has said, we just fool around rather than go all the way.

Just go with what you're comfortable with. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to - maybe wait until after your 12 week scan if you need some more reassurance.

Marty93 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:07:38

This is my first pregnancy. I'm 14 (almost 15) weeks.

I must say the first trimester I felt so awful I couldn't even think about having sex. The days I felt relatively OK I did get down to it as I did feel like it, but I remember saying to my OH, "you need to make the most of it coz I do not know how long it'll be til I next feel up for it!" Lol.

He needs to think about when you're very heavily pregnant, achy, out of breath, tired.... and then after you've given birth, does he think you're going to snap back and be having sex straight away?

A lot of women's sex drive plummets during pregnancy especially in the first trimester. I think your partner needs to be a bit more considerate and understanding of your feelings.

nataliemum25 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:25:23

I really understand you, I'm now 16 weeks and my husband keeps going on about sex and I just don't feel I want it got no drive what so ever and all I get is you don't love me, you think I'm ugly, this is not the case It really gets me down xx

MeadowHay Fri 12-Jul-19 21:44:03

Your partner sounds like a twat, pressurising you to have sex when you don't want to. It doesn't even matter why you don't want to, you don't want to, so that's that. He should respect your feelings. We had intercourse about three times during my pregnancy, I had a difficult pregnancy and those three times also didn't go well so made the decision I didn't want to keep trying. DD is 1 and since then we've had sex I think three times in the last few months so there was about a 12 month period where we had no sex. I have my reasons why I didn't feel like it, but ultimately it doesn't matter why, I didn't want to, so we didn't. My husband respects and loves me and we both knew it was/is caused by life factors and won't always be this way, it's a small time in the scheme of our entire lives.

Bol87 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:04:14

We didn’t have actual sex for any of my first pregnancy! I was horribly sick, then severely anaemic. I couldn’t have been less interested. My other was lovely, we spoke about it as we went through the months & he fully respected my wishes & how I was feeling. Once I started to feel a bit better, we would do other stuff & still have the intimacy which was nice.

Poor guy, I then had a traumatic labour & was in a lot of pain down there for a while! blush but as the above poster says, in the grand scheme of our lives, it was 12 months, all is as well now as it was before!

I think you need a good & honest chat with your other half. I’m sure most loving partners, while a tad frustrated, would put their pregnant wife/partner first. You could try intimacy in other ways or at the end of the day, he can take himself off to bed early & take care of himself!

Pinkflower23 Sat 13-Jul-19 09:05:39

I’m currently 17 weeks. I think me and my partner have had sex twice since i found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. My cramps and back ache was that bad at the beginning I just couldn’t. Then I had a bleed at 10 weeks so was super paranoid. I then ended up having cvs done at 13weeks so again was like not going there. And since then I’ve been constipated and has constant bad belly. Xx

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