Unplanned pregnancy at 42

[edlet]

Am hoping someone will have some sensible advice...

I'm 42, with two children already ( 9 and 7). I was just starting to feel like I was moving on career wise and enjoying life with slightly more independent children when I've found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I don't know whether to keep the baby or not. My husband is definitely on the side of having an abortion but I know that he would support whatever I decide to do. That's the problem - I don't know. I wake up some mornings with excitement, some with a sense of dread. I have all the normal 6 week symptoms so it really feels like I'm pregnant - if that doesn't sound stupid - and I'm not sure I can go through with an abortion. Having looked up what happens, it terrifies me. I'm booked in for the consultation tomorrow and dreading it. I'm also worried, though, that in carrying on with the baby I'm going to ruin our happy family (birth defects, my health, lack of finances etc). I can't tell people in real life because I don't want to be judged. I feel so stupid and ashamed to have got myself in this mess.

[Dipsy77]

Hi edlet

I too am 42 and nearly 31 weeks pregnant. I left my husband in 2017 for my new partner and I have 2 girls who are 20 and 22. My girls won't talk to me and I haven't seen them for 2 years which is extremely difficult and not through the want of trying.
When I first got together with my new partner I found out I was pregnant after 2 months together at the time I didn't know what to do and decided on an abortion something that I really do regret now it was twins and I struggled to get over it although it seemed like the sensible thing. Then I found out I was pregnant again in the new year I had a stomach bug while on the pill my partner didn't want me to keep it but I couldn't bring myself to go through with another abortion. This has brought us together and we know it will be hard my partner is 50 next year, I lost my job in December so money is tight but we are now really excited about meeting our little girl.
At the end of the day it's your choice do what's right for you, when I was sat in the clinic I wanted to run I was screaming inside don't do it but I did, I'm defiantly pro choice but it affected me pretty hard, good luck with everything and I'm always around in the threads if you need a chat x

[edlet]

Thank you for replying and for sharing your experience. Your situation sounds tricky - but you also have a lot to look forward to. I hope everything goes well with the birth and the future with your new little one. I had a consultation but was too early on in the pregnancy to be able to make any decisions. I'm not sure that waiting another 2 weeks is going to help, though.

[waterallday]

@edlet 42 certainly isn't too old to have another, but if I were you and had already had two i'd focus on my career now (especially since your husband isn't on board either!).

Good luck either way

[TigerJoy]

Only you can know what to do. Can you imagine yourself in 1 year? 10 years? What do you want?

I had an abortion ages ago and it hard to talk about I know.

I felt really sad - grieving I guess - for about a year but it was the right thing for me to do. I really wanted children (still do) but it wasn't the right time - it would have scuppered my career.
It's ok to have an abortion and feel sad about it.

I'm not trying to advise you either way. You have mentioned your reasons for an abortion. What are your reasons for keeping it?

[gwenneh]

We could be the same person I'm 40 and found myself unexpectedly pregnant in April. We've got a lovely established life with 2 DC the same age as yours, have just bought a house, my career has grown some legs and started moving, and DH was panicked he suggested termination, but also made it clear that he would never try to force it or give ultimatums. I had a terrible birth experience with my younger son and DH was genuinely afraid that this time I might die.

I'm pro-choice, but for me, I'd never be able to get over it if I did terminate. I know that.

I oscillated between elation and dread for the whole of the first trimester. At 16 weeks (and with an all-clear on the genetic tests) it's now just joy.

Are things going to be harder? Yes. Will it squeeze our budget? Sure. Are our house and car large enough? No. But we'll figure it out as we go along, same as we always do.

Now DH and I are just looking forward to meeting our daughter.

[edlet]

Thanks for your replies. TigerJoy - I can't see myself being 42 and pregnant. I feel so ashamed as it's obviously so unplanned and I think everyone will be talking about me. The age gap and the fact that we've got rid of every baby item we own make it pretty obvious. I'm dreading telling work as I have a senior post and I think it will make my boss reassess me. I'm quite a private person and hate the thought of people judging me as someone who can't manage their own birth control. However, I also don't think I can go through with an abortion. I'm very pro choice but, like you Gwenneh, I can't see it as an option. I feel pregnant - even more so now the morning sickness is starting.I think I'm going to have to keep the baby and start getting used to the idea.... I have a second appointment at Marie Stopes on Monday. Will have to have made my mind up by then.

[Ameliel]

I'm 42 and pregnant with my 4th! My other children are 12, 10 and 8, so its quite a gap... I really wanted another child some time ago but it didn't happen, and I was just starting to move on with my life and had just started my own business when I found out about this one... it was a massive shock for me and my Dh too, and money will be tight, but I could not imagine it any other way now... I was really worried about my age and the higher risk of defects, but we got all the testing done (nipt privately) and baby is healthy.. I'm a strong believer in taking one day at time and that things will arrange..my midwife said there are lots of women in their 40s having babies, not sure if that makes difference to you? good luck with whatever you decide! X

[mynameisigglepiggle]

This was me two years ago although just slightly younger. I had a 6 and 4 year old and then found out baby 3 was on his way. I had the same conversation with DH. He didn't want another but said he would support my decision.
I am the main earner and I work full time (still do!)
I could not go through with a termination.
I won't lie it's been tough going back to baby again when the older ones are more independent. Plus we had to change the car and holidays are more of a challenge but .... I absolutely wouldn't swap him for the world. The older two are amazing with him and they were and still are absolutely thrilled with him.

Is there time for you to have some counselling to help you make your decision? You have to do what's right for you.

[gwenneh]

Honestly I was very worried about how my manager would take it as well, being in a very senior position myself. As it turns out she's been incredibly supportive and understanding. So maybe that bit of it won't be all bad? I know I felt better once I'd discussed it with her.

[CmdrCressidaDuck]

I feel so ashamed as it's obviously so unplanned and I think everyone will be talking about me. The age gap and the fact that we've got rid of every baby item we own make it pretty obvious.

Honestly, they really won't. You're catastrophising and ascribing far more intense interest in you to other people than they really have Women in their 40s have unplanned pregnancies with a big age gap every day . I'm the result of one as it happens, as are millions of other people. If you decide to go ahead with it, nobody will think anything other than "oh, lovely, nice surprise for edlet."

It's OK if you choose to go ahead and OK if you don't, but I guarantee that very few to no people will think or say anything much other than "oh, nice. congratulations."

[edlet]

You're catastrophising and ascribing far more intense interest in you to other people than they really have...If you decide to go ahead with it, nobody will think anything other than "oh, lovely, nice surprise for edlet."

I know I felt better once I'd discussed it with her.

This has been really really helpful advice. I thought about what you said and then decided to let my three closest friends know. They were surprised but happy for me and it's made me feel so much more positive and that it's not undoable. I feel much less alone. Thank you so much x

[hadthesnip2]

I'm sorry OP but you are not going to get a balanced opinion on here at all. Virtually all the women coming on here will be telling you to continue with the pregnancy.....but they are not in your position. Pro-choice or not you need to decide what is right for your family.....you, your husband & importantly the 2 children that you already have.

I'm not going to say anymore.

[DobbyTheHouseElk]

My NDN had a surprise baby at 47.

[Yogagirl123]

Good luck with whatever you decide OP. Don’t worry about what others think, do what’s right for you and your family.

[edlet]

I made the decision two days ago to continue with the pregnancy. I feel really positive - now just normal nerves about it being early days. I feel very lucky to have had the time to think it all through. Thank you for your thoughts.

[DobbyTheHouseElk]

Congratulations.

[MeanMrMustardSeed]

Congratulations!

[PetraRabbit]

I saw you've made a decision but I'll still say what I was going to say, which is that you shouldn't make a decision based on other people's opinions (especially when you're guessing at them anyway!) and that the worry about birth defects is misplaced. You do have a higher risk of chromosome problems but if you pay for a Harmony or Panorama test at just 10 weeks, by 11 weeks you'll know for certain if you are clear. Then you can relax! Provided you get a good result- and you most likely will- your risk of 'birth defects' is no higher than anyone else. I even read somewhere recently that older women's bodies are better than average at eliminating non- chromosome 'defective' foetuses (via early miscarriage) so might have a lower chance than average of things like kidney or heart problems. I'm pregnant with my second very much wanted pregnancy in my 40s, a couple of years older than you. Adjust your ideas about older mums being unusual. A midwife won't blink an eye at a 42 year old and at 42 I wasn't the oldest at my NCT or the baby class I attended (the oldest was 'only' 43 or 44 but still!!) Congratulations and hope your excitement grows!

[Sleepyhead11]

@edlet this happened to my Mum when she had three teenage children. I was born two weeks after she turned forty three. The sibling relationship is different, they're more like aunts/uncles and my nieces are closer in age to me, but we're a close and loving family. My parents are now in their seventies/eighties and I adore them. My Mum thinks having a late baby kept her active.