In - Law advice. Uninvited daily visits after the birth!!(87 Posts)
I am already dreading this and really need some advice on how you have coped.
I told them yesterday that once baby is born not to be suprised if the phone is taken off the hook and people are given times to come and visit for the first two weeks. I have a big family and this is the first baby for them so I am going to have to control it somehow as there has been mention of people coming while I am in hospital, YES DURING LABOUR!!!! I don't think so
The look on my MIL's face. You would think I had just told her we were moving away and not giving her a forwarding address. She was very very put out to say the least!!! and she really thinks I "have to be joking" and that " I am already an overprotective mother". She has been saying that she can't wait to come and take baby out every day. But it's my baby and what about all of my family.
I didn't think this to be unreasonable. Especially after she said she is going to look after her only grandaughter while her other DIL is having her baby and then they will be asked to leave once they are home. Which I completely understand and don't see anything wrong with it. Comments such as "My toothbrush will not have even been unpacked" etc etc. The difference is they live over 100 miles away so visits have to be planned etc.
She only lives 10 miles away from us!!
Am I being unreasonable???
You aren't being unreasonable but i wouldn't worry too much until the baby actually comes. Then your dh (yes your dh, not you, it's his mum so up to him in my opinion) can tell her when to visit and when not to
no you're not - my parents turned up at the hospital when I was in labour with DS2 (and they live 250 miles away!) - I got round it this time quite easily - they didn't know it was 'time' until he was already here . I also told them straight out that 'long stay/distance' visitors wouldn't be accepted for the first 2 weeks.
Cupcake you are not being unreasonable at all. I think for people like her you need to be blunt. She may be offended initially but will get over it. Its YOUR new family. YOU will have just given birth and will be getting used to your new family.
Stand your ground and get your DP to back you up
PPS (34+4) XX
give them a day - saturday is a good day - start them on that - at first they might be put out - but heed my advice
when or if you have another. she will come in handy
and if there are other siblings to your dh - i promise its highly likely that your nose will be put out of joint if other grandchildren arrive.
so stamp your saturday card now. get in quick. in 2 years time you will thank me
now that is top advice from custardo. Yes stake your claim now. Dn't offend people offering help with first borns cos you really need them when you have subsequent children.
I took quite a strong stance on this too. Even though we were having an elective CS we refused to tell anyone the date. This meant that DH could then phone to announce the birth of DD and suggest when people come to visit.
Prior to the birth I told everyone that I didn't want visitors for the first couple of days we were home. A few faces were pulled (MIL/FIL) but I just explained that after being in hospital DH & I would need some time alone with our baby as a family.
Stick to your guns and get DH to be the one to organise visiting times. He can chat with you about who you want when and then call to arrange.
YANBU. I did exactly the same. I was happy to have visitors but I wanted them spaced out as I didn't want everyone arriving at the same time as we live in a tiny house. I upset Dh's aunt because she wanted to visit in the evening and I said I would prefer for her to come at the weekend so she never bothered coming at all. I also upset MIL because she wanted to book a week off work and I asked her to do it once dh was back at work because I would need more help but she said she wanted to have the week with us when dh was home so she never bothered taking a week off either! Some people are too easily offended.
YANBU! Stand your ground and book up Saturdays with MIL for the next 18 years.
I dont think you are being unreasonable at all! You are more than entitled to your time alone and have every right to stipulate when people come and see you.
But I am in agreement with custardo, if I were you I would try and reach a compromise over this period as having such close family living within 10 miles is a godsend.
Is there anything you can give your MIL to do in the first fortnight -that would help you but also make her feel involved? I dont know - pop round and help with the cleaning? Or cook dinner for that night? I think if you can reach a compromise that makes her feel involved without you losing control; it could be better.
Get your DP to work with you on a plan of action!
Make sure you make it very clear what you want to do ... we thought we had made it perfectly clear when ds was born that we wanted nobody to stay for the first few days because we wanted to get to know our new baby ...
I ended up having a c section, and mil and fil decided that they would come to stay to 'help'.
They arrived less than 24 hours after I came out of hospital - I was sent up to my bedroom to 'rest' - when ds needed feeding (according to mil - I wasn't allowed near him), she brought him up to me and stood over me while I tried to feed - face on my boob practically).
Then she decided that our garden needed some work, so dh was despatched outside to help while she mauled my garden ... fil was put to watch over ds, and I was not allowed to come downstairs.
DH decided to go back to work 2 days after I came out of hospital as he felt so useless.
my relationship with the PILs has never recovered. I'm now expecting number 2 and have told dh that if they pull that stunt again, I will tell them to fukc right off ... strangely, he says he's going to be a bit more forceful this time around ...
I really sympathise I had this exact problem when i had both my children.
In laws live a longf way away , as do my parents. But they were my parents and I wanted my mum to come and see me in hospital. Inlaws were most put out to be told that they could come and visit after dh had finished his paternity leave, so they came for a few days when first baby was 2 weeks old.
When we announced due date of second baby inlaws booked a week's accomodation starting on my due date without asking us
I was really hoping the baby would be late so they'd miss the whole thing but she was on time
But now it's all a dim and distant memory EXCEPT inlaws have booked week's accommodation in same place for dd's first birthday without asking!!!!!!!!
Have to say some of you guys seem a little bit mean to me. After all its a momentous thing to have a new grandchild and those first few days and weeks are so precious and pass so quickly.
Yes I agree visitors should be managed, we had 'visiting times' like in hospital, 2 til 4 if I remember when it was virtually open house but everyone was told not to be surprised if me or baby or both disappeared off to sleep.
After all, yes you'll be tired and sore and probably shocked but life doesn't stop and seeing the look on the in laws faces when they met my DS at a few hours and days old is a memory I'll treasure forever. And I also wanted my DH to be able to share those precious few days with his mum and dad. In fact there was many an afternoon when I just went to bed and left DS with DH and the inlaws, it was lovely and much needed.
My advice would be to discuss it with everyone before hand, it really doesn't have to be confrontational but don't forget you're bringing a new life into a FAMILY. Treasure them too
With the first dh's mum, sis, bro, bro in law, 2 nieces and aunt came all together 2 days after ds born. Aunt upset me within 5 mins of arrival pointing to my post baby bump and asking if there was another in there. Next time I will not have any visitors apart from my mum and his mum in the first week. If I keep telling myself that, eventually it might happen. You are not being unreasonable.
My PIL live in the same town and I find MIL very overpowering and am worried that she will be over constantly telling me what to do. So dh and I have decided that family can come and visit in hospital but let us have a few days alone when we get home to give us time to settle to being parents before visiting again. At least that way evryone sees the baby and and they don't feel pushed out.
I didn't think I was being unreasonable. The hospital idea is a good one. At least then they have seen baby etc. Don't know how long I will even be in hospital.
Also think not telling anyone till it's over is a brilliant idea as well.
Like alot of you have pointed out I really don't want to upset them. Because they are lovely most of the time.
yes I would encourage them to come and visit while you're in hospital. This worked for me and I had the majority of my visitors there and obviously they could only stay for a while and there was no obligation to offer them cups of tea etc.
I would stand your ground re once you arrive home though esp if your mil thinks she's going to be taking your baby out every day - that's something I would never have been comfortable with in a million years.
Tell DH what you want MIL to do.
Get DH to tell MIL.
I sympathise. When i was expecting our 1st, my MIL was talking to my mum and said she had her car packed and would come as soon as I went into labour. Just so yu know i find my mil v.v. difficult to be around. Anyway, I ended up having to take a lead as DH seemed to be finding it hard. I explained that we wouldn't be telling anyone when i went into labour and then I explained that there would be 2 visiting sessions at the hospital. At this pt. she said 'oh, I'll come to both'. I said that one was for my family and one for DH's. She still managed to turn up out of visiting hrs. (just after my family hadleft) and much to my annoyance the nurses let her on the ward (I was exhausted and not impressed!). After we got home we had a wk. alone, a wk. with my mum helping and then she came for a few days. I did have to be v.v. clear cos she doesn't get subtle hints or messages. In all subsequent pgs. (now 4th) i've had to spell it out to her. Good luck - try not to panic too much because in my experience you can control it - but i have to say DH wasn't fantastic help, I did have to take the initiative - and she did still ignore me over visiting times and some other stuff..
YANBU put a sign on the door - 'new family sleeping' and dont answer any phones etc. if she doesnt understand when you have politely given warning thats her problem. really, you have to get it right from the start, set your groundrules and try to make sure dh is on board!
Could you make a deal with mil whereby she come to visit as soon as you LO is born, in return for laundry, shopping, cooking and washing up each evening she's there? I didn't want visitors when dd was born, and the mil stayed away as requested - but looking back I really could have done with an extra pair of hands around the place.
Have to say I agree with Pheebe on this one, it's an important time in grandparents lives too and I'm sure that when the time does come you'll want to show you're offspring off.
It's probably not unreasonable if you feel that you couldn't cope with visits. But just one other perspective. It would make the grandparents very very happy to see the newborn. Newborns are magical and very special. She might sound put out but I bet she's upset too.
i agree with pheebe and others - to wait 2 weeks to see your grandchild is a v. long time - babies change so much and if they missed that it would be sad.
I asked for visitors with my 1st at v. strict times (in hospital) and asked for folks to stay just a while.
At home they visited (or say you will visit them - a trip out is nice in first few days) - but i got them busy doing all the jobs round the house!
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