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I’m pregnant and I can’t decide if I should terminate it

(20 Posts)
Idontknow777 Sat 11-Aug-18 23:40:34

I’m 26. My bf is 25.

I haven’t seen or dr or anyone bc I’m ashamed. The first day of my last period was almsot 7 weeks ago, but I know I conceived later during my cycle and i would probably be more like 6 weeks along.

Immediately after conceiving I was ravenously hungry, my boobs grew at least a size bigger ajs I’ve been tired. When I found out I got so depressed, all I’ve done since finding out two weeks ago is lay in bed, cry, and try to find people to cover my shifts at work. I feel like a shell of who I am.

I immediately wanted a termination. Although I’m perfectly old enough and there’s so many people my age who have babies, I don’t feel experienced enough, I’m not settled or established in my life. I grew up sheltered and I honestly just began traveling, meeting ppl/friends, and trying to better my life. Then I got pregnant

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We don’t live together. He doesn’t want the child right now either but said he would take care of us financially and would be able to. But he said he would be working more and wants one day a week with his friends. He said it would be best if he works extra and I don’t work after baby is born since he makes more money. I see my life as being inside 24/7 with a baby by myself most of the time. That sounds so bad. I just started having a social life and aren’t ready to end that.

I’m also in love with another man, and have been throughout my relationship. It’s not something I’m proud of. I knew him before I knew my boyfriend, I’ve known him my whole life actually. We did date before but he ended up cheating on me and acting childish so I moved on. But we still talk all the time and sometimes hangout. I don’t cheat on my boyfriend but maybe I was emotionally, on and off during the time my bf and I have been togeTher. The idea of never talking to/seeing him again makes me cry. I do really love him but obviously he hurt me and idk. I also love my bf tho, who as far as I know has never cheated, takes me out, is there for me, blah blah. That’s why I stayed w him instead. But I don’t love his personality, or fit in with his friends/family which also makes me scared when I’ll have a baby with him

We had an abortion a year and a half ago I was 6 weeks. I still regret it and cry about it. It was the worst thing I had to do, but I’m that
Time I did so much and learned so much that I don’t regret my Decision in the long wrong. But I. Don’t want to get another one.

Someone please help me. Last time, I told mt sister and she called me a murderer and pressured me not to get one. This time I only told my boyfriend and the friend that I’m in love with. He thinks abortion is wrong and said I should have it (I know he’s always been a pro life person) but it just sucks

Someone please help me out here. I also feel like now I’m 7weeks and the longer I wait the worse it is

Lynne1Cat Sun 12-Aug-18 00:39:51

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KingKongNoWrong Sun 12-Aug-18 00:43:04

Have a termination

ASpringerEspanya Sun 12-Aug-18 00:45:43

Have a termination and get some long term contraception sorted.

Havetothink Sun 12-Aug-18 00:46:50

What a mess! But you said it yourself you don't want another abortion. Don't give up your job if you don't want to, maybe part-time would be a good compromise. Forget the other man, you were obviously not his priority when you were together. As for your bf you need to decide if he's the one for you permanently, it's sounds like you're with him for the sake of it which isn't fair to him or potentially your child.

Zioanna Sun 12-Aug-18 00:47:27

Obviously it’s your decision but, as you’re asking for opinions, neither of you sound like you should have a baby any time soon.

TheDowagerCuntess Sun 12-Aug-18 00:49:01

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind as to what I would do in your position, but unfortunately you don't sound so sure.

Regardless of your decision, you do need to sort out more reliable contraception moving forward, so as to avoid being in this situation yet again.

OkPedro Sun 12-Aug-18 00:55:17

lynnecat1
Fuck off with your horrible judgement
Do you get off on putting others down
Disgusting

op it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are suited.
If it was me, I wouldn't want to get tied down with him.
As you said you're just starting your life. Don't have a child just because you don't want another termination.

I've had 3 terminations all for very different reasons. Reasons that are nobodies business but mine. The world didn't end, I'm ok but I did have counselling.
Do what's best for you and no one else
flowers

PankyE Sun 12-Aug-18 01:18:01

Abortions is a medical procedure like any other. You've done it before so you know what to expect and you know you'll be absolutely fine afterwards.

You're not ready and that's ok! I'm getting that this is really getting you to take stock of your life. You know what you want and don't want in life...

Take that bull by the horns and by jove lady, kick it's arse and do what a right for you!

Maybe you should sack both these guys off and go for a fresh start?

Or

Maybe tell your ex how you feel?

Or anything you like really smile

You got this flowers

Gojira Sun 12-Aug-18 01:22:31

Honestly, in your circumstances, I would not advice continuing with the pregnancy.

You sound very naive.

Vampyress Sun 12-Aug-18 01:43:14

Having a baby will only bring any insecurities or doubts you have about your relationship to the very forefront of your day to day life. If you are unsure about your bf then it is very likely that will be exaggerated within later pregnancy/post baby.

I don't believe there is such a time as "the right time" to have a baby but one thing that I have learned the hard way is if you aren't truly in love and committed to the person you are carrying a child with then you are setting yourself up for a great deal of misery and subjecting an innocent person to that too. You can't fully prepare yourself for the emotional changes you experience once you have a child and your priorities change dramatically but unless you have willingly made that choice it is very possible you could feel resentment and bitterness. Only you know whether that is a risk or not.

10 years ago my coil fell out during my first year of uni and my DH and I fell pregnant unexpectedly. At the time we had only been a couple for 8 months and neither of us felt secure enough in our relationship to bring a baby into the world and I already had a son from a prior relationship and had no intention of repeating history. It broke my heart but I decided it would be best not to continue the pregnancy and to finish my degree securing a better life for myself and ds. Fast forward to today and I am 3 days overdue with my 3rd child (2nd to my DH) so just because now isn't right doesn't mean it's never going to be right later down the line.

You dont have to give up work if you don't want to, I was back working full time with my ds and whilst it is difficult and you do feel guilty to begin with, if it's what you want/need to do then you just get on with it (I am a software developer so a career break could make it really tough to get back in to the industry). My eldest was 3 when I started university too so kids dont have to stop your life, they just change it.

Whatever you decide OP, try not to be too hard on yourself and hopefully you can figure out what future you want and is best for everyone involved.

LemonysSnicket Sun 12-Aug-18 02:30:47

Terminate the baby and Leave your boyfriend who you don't love.

Idontknow777 Sun 12-Aug-18 04:08:09

I do love my boyfriend!! Do not get me wrong. I love him very very much.

Sometimes our personalities clash. Sometimes we have nothing to talk about or fight all day. I feel like I have to bother him to spend time with me. He would rather be with his friends more than me majority of the time...

I also wonder if he is gay. This is based on nothing beside the fact that his dad is, and his dad had two kids young then came out as gay and left my boyfriends mom at age 30 or something for a man. He has MANY gay/bi family members. His sister recently
Told me she realized she was bi when she turned 21, his niece is bi, his cousin is bi. I often wonder if it’s a genetic thing in his family, and if like a coupl years out he realiEs he’s gay. He can be touchy feely with some of his friends and the amount of gay jokes and stuff that they have scares me

Yeah, that’s why I l left the other guy but I can’t help the fact that our personalities connect in the way they don’t with my boyfriend. I can talk to him from when I wake up to when I go to sleep and not gEt bored. Unlike my boyfriend whom I feel like avoids me. It’s just so confusing. On one hand, I love that guy and feel like he’s my soul mate and he says the same thing to me but he’s not trustworthy. On the other, I have my boyfriend who’s stable and reliable but we don’t connect the same way. I don’t know. I’ve thought about moving on from both of them
Completely yes. I just don’t know sad

But I do love my boyfriend and I find him to be reliable and I didn’t have a dad growing up, so I guess I fear being a single mom and I don’t think my boyfriend would leave me at that..unless he’s gay.

Gottokondo Sun 12-Aug-18 05:04:50

You don't have to keep it if you don't want to become a mother. You don't need anyone elses opinion for this. You could try some counselling if you feel so upset or if you are afraid to make the wrong choice. It's ok to have some mixed feelings, it is a life changing decision.

I would review your contraceptive measures if I were you. They don't seem to work out well enough for you.

jpclarke Sun 12-Aug-18 05:20:20

You don't sound like you are in a stable enough relationship and it sounds to me like you will end up a single mom. Your friend may change his opinion about you too. As regards your friend, does he have a girlfriend? People can change and although he cheated on you maybe he has grown up and realises his past mistakes if he is still very good friends with you? Being gay I don't think is genetic, but I think it's worrying that he is already saying he won't give up his time with his friends and doesn't seem to spend much time with you that is not he basis of a good relationship. Relationships are more than just about love, never mind relationships that have children in them.

Havetothink Sun 12-Aug-18 07:30:49

You are making the relationship with your bf sound worse every time you talk about it. Reliability is not a reason on it's own to have a relationship, it should be about more than that. You may be close, as you've been together a while, but it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, surely personality should be the leading factor in your choice of partner not something to overlook?

GreenMeerkat Sun 12-Aug-18 07:36:54

@Lynne1Cat Vile person. Go away.

Is there anyone else you can speak to IRL that is not going to react like your sister?

It's a tough one, it really is. I think you just need to think about the impact of both avenues. If you do have a termination will you be able to move on and forgive yourself?

In any case it doesn't sound like you should be in this relationship. If you do decide on a termination then I think you should end this relationship and also stop talking to the other man as this is clearly going nowhere and only going to lead you into more heartache.

Liverbird77 Sun 12-Aug-18 07:40:49

No one is able to tell you what to do. It honestly is down to you.

SoyDora Sun 12-Aug-18 07:42:29

In your situation I would terminate. I would also move on from both the men in your life, neither are right for you.

QueenAravisOfArchenland Sun 12-Aug-18 07:47:34

You don't sound at all like someone who should have a baby right now.

Terminate, get bulletproof long-acting contraception in place (preferably two forms), break up with your boyfriend. You don't love him, you're just scared to be alone. There's a difference.

I'd tell you to cut contact with this other guy too (it's blatantly a non-starter) but you won't and if you can do the rest that's enough for now. What you'd really benefit from is to stay away from dating altogether for quite a while.

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