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Cannot decide whether to keep baby or have a termination.

(22 Posts)
bluebells1234 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:21:07

Hello,

Last week, I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. I have never been pregnant before. I didn't react as I'd expected I would. I thought I would want to have a termination. I was surprised but not panicked.

My boyfriend was shocked and said he doesn't feel ready for babies yet, however, he said it's my choice and he will support me either way.

I has an appointment at a BPAS clinic where they explained termination options with me, I cried for most of the day, and the following day, at the thought of having any procedure done. I don't know whether it's hormones or genuine feelings.

I'm 30. My boyfriend is 31. We are really happy together and plan on being together forever blush. We just bought a flat together which emptied our savings pots and we literally have no money. I have a huge credit card bill (which I am paying off). We both have good jobs, however, I wouldn't be entitled to maternity pay as I've just started a new job. My boyfriend is a contractor so has zero job security. We live in South London and all our family live 'Up North'. We have friends here but not many we can depend on for play-date type activities.

I understand the logical, practical reasons that now isn't ideal. But the thought of having a termination is so upsetting. I don't want to regret my decision.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

star

user1475530080 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:23:21

Thinking about a lack of friends with babies now shouldn't be a con on your list. Even if your friends don't have babies doesn't mean you won't meet new people at playgroups. Congratulations on the news. thanks

Goosegettingfat Sat 11-Aug-18 21:24:36

Have the baby! Yes it is a massive leap into the unknown but there's never a perfect time- sounds to me like you have everything you need.

VillageFete Sat 11-Aug-18 21:27:40

All that financial/practical stuff can be worked out. You will never, ever regret keeping this baby, but you may regret having a termination. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for a baby, and there are people in far, far worse boats than you having them.

You absolutely have the right to go either way with this, but I truly think it will all work out for you if you keep this baby. Lots of love and luck x

bluebells1234 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:36:17

Thanks for your messages. I really appreciate it!

justwanttolookgood Sat 11-Aug-18 21:43:31

I was in an almost identical situation before.

I could've quite happily kept the baby but I knew we had now financial security and no real set up. Adding a baby to the mix would've made that even harder and more stressful.

I terminated. 5 years on my now DH and I have a baby we planned for. We have a home of our own and nice jobs. It's so much better and I'm so glad I didn't keep that pregnancy.

I can't imagine the stress of being skint and pregnant with a little one to think of. Plus you say you live in London and your partner is on a 0 hour contract. What if you cannot work and he loses his job?

Would moving closer to up north be an option Op?

But if you feel like you cannot live with a termination or you'll truly regret it, don't do it thanks

GirlGang89 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:48:28

It’s a massive decision but if you’ve been that upset at the thought of it, that’s probably your answer right there!

When I got pregnant with DD1 we had just bought a house too and had zero savings left... we were in a house with just a bed, sofa and tv and no furniture haha. I was 25 and thought I’d be esctatic but in reality I wasn’t as it wasn’t the ‘right time’... fast forward 3 years and now I now have 2 girls. No time is the right time. If you’re 30 and want to be together forever, does it matter in the grand plan that this has happened a few years early, if you get what I mean? We’re not as well off as we used to be but we’re all happy and healthy (and we’re living in a fully furnished house now, so can’t be that bad haha) You will meet other people. I hate ‘mum’ groups, really I do. But you’ll meet people along the way.

Congratulations and Good Luck on your decision Xxxx

LegoPiecesEverywhere Sat 11-Aug-18 21:50:31

Go with your gut feeling. You are in a better position than many having their first unplanned but also having a baby is life changing. Sorry no advice but sympathy for your huge dilemma.

ginandnappies Sat 11-Aug-18 21:54:46

I have a beautiful 1 year old but I've also had a termination when I was younger.

My reason was I wasn't ready, simple as. It made me sad for a long time but now I finally realise I wouldn't have managed.

It's a hard decision to make but you need to do what's right for you and your partner. Only you know deep down, none of us can tell you what to do. I really feel for you, I felt this way again when I fell pregnant again but for various reasons I decided it was a good time (different partner). Good luck with whatever you decide xx

RaininSummer Sat 11-Aug-18 21:55:08

I fell pregnant in the final year of my degree which was obviously rather inconvenient. I couldn't consider termination as the only reason would have the bad timing. I have never once regretted that decision despite some turmoil with relationship and finances. From what you have said, and your ages, I think you would regret a termination.

LanguageAsAFlower Sat 11-Aug-18 21:59:35

If you're erring on the side of keeping the baby maybe my money related anecdote can help.

I was in this situation work wise- surprise pregnant 3 weeks into a job, I decided to go for it, despite the financial difficulties- As it turned out, I had made enough of a good impression in the first 3 weeks that they worked out a way to get me some Maternity Pay. I went back to work when DS was 6 months, and I worked all my kit days, but honestly you'll be surprised at what is possible with a bit of determination.

Speak to management, sell how good you are, work out if it's possible without mat pay too.
Babies don't have to be expensive. Solve the friend issue by investing in a NCT course and buy things second hand. Everyone gets child benefit 80 pound a month. Depending on circumstance and where you live you might be entitled to more.

Cattenberg Sat 11-Aug-18 22:17:05

Even if you're not entitled to Statutory Maternity Pay, you might be entitled to Maternity Allowance.

tickingthebox Sat 11-Aug-18 22:22:22

I would check the rules on maternity pay as you are entitled to either MA or SMP in pretty much all circumstances...

PurpleFlower1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 22:36:18

I think your gut is telling you to keep it!

moonpeace Sat 11-Aug-18 22:54:42

If you want to be with your partner forever and know you want children someday, then don't go ahead with a termination. Babies and children don't ask for much, please don't let money worries put you off. There is never a right time. I wish I had started planning my family younger and you are at a good age now.

Harrypotterfan1604 Sat 11-Aug-18 23:00:08

It sounds to me like you’ve made your mind up without realising. Neither choice should be mad lightly however a termination sounds like it could be rather traumatic for you when you consider your feeling right now after hearing your options.
I’m pregnant with my first baby too and it was unplanned and a huge shock. Timing is really bad too lots going on. But I knew termination wasn’t an option for me and we have decided to just figure everything out as we go.
Whatever decision you make I wish you all the best x

Clearthinking Sat 11-Aug-18 23:01:33

Keep your little miracle

Whoisalanbrazil Sat 11-Aug-18 23:07:56

We're the same age. I planned mine and I'm still shitting myself.

To me, if you can't decide then actually you need to keep it. The other option is too awful to risk realising it's not what you wanted after the event.

chickacharlie Sat 11-Aug-18 23:19:37

We were in a very similar situation to yourself - I'm now laying looking at my gorgeous squishy warm happy sleeping ten month old snoozing in his cot. You can regret a termination but you'll never regret your baby.

Sorry you are in such a hard situation, op thanks

Vampyress Sun 12-Aug-18 01:57:18

You will be entitled to statutory maternity pay if you have worked with your employer for 26 consecutive weeks prior to claiming so you should be safe on that front but ofc it is a big dip in finances. If you decide to return to work after having your baby then you can sign up for a childcare account just before the end of maternity leave and for every £ put in the government will add another 25% up to a certain amount (Google tax free childcare), this is if your work doesn't offer childcare vouchers. I just wanted you to know what options are out there if you don't qualify for tax credits etc so you can make a balanced choice.

Whatever you decide, wishing you the best.

Goosegettingfat Sun 12-Aug-18 05:34:50

Also- and really not trying to talk you into it- but as pp said, babies really don't have to be expensive. They can be, but if you keep your head they don't have to be. Good luck either way, op 🍀

MagicalCreatures Sun 12-Aug-18 08:42:23

Me and my DH are both 31.
We bought a flat 5 yeas ago which we still live in and though we don’t have dept, we don’t have any savings.
We planned this baby and I’m 20 weeks now.
I’m only entitled to maternity allowance because I’m self employed (which isn’t enough to cover my side of the bills) and though I cannot wait to be a mum, I have tines when I panic about whether we can afford it and if I’m ready.
Truth is, there is never 100% a perfect time to have a baby. There will always be something in your situation which doesn’t seem like the perfect circumstance.
But that’s life and sometimes we just have to deal with it as it comes and smacks us in the face.
Being 31 I wasn’t willing to leave it any longer in case I came into fertility problems.
But you’ve got a wonderful partner and you own your own home which is already a great step into providing for your child.
I’m not going to tell you what to do but I had a termination at 19 under completely different circumstances. And though it really upset me and still does, it was 100% the right decision.
Good luck OP and congratulations x x x

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