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AIBU?? friend overstaying welcome(30 Posts)
Hi ladies, I wanna know if I'm being unreasonable here...
I'm currently 8+3 and in the peak of fatigue and nausea. About 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine from uni (who lives abroad) contacted me to say she was planning to visit the UK and ask if I was "free to meet up" this weekend. Having not seen her in a while and thinking she meant like for dinner or coffee I said sure. 2 days later i get a text from her saying she's booked her flights and will be staying with us from Friday to Sunday!
This is NOT what I had in mind as I'm so exhausted, have a tiny 1 bed flat, and need my weekends to recharge because I'm working 45 hour weeks and am struggling with the fatigue.
I didn't want to kick up a fuss, so low and behold, she's now here. Because I've been struggling though, I let her know in advance that I'm pregnant. She earns about double what I do, and could very easily get a hotel room for the weekend, but has decided that no, she'd rather sleep in my living room.
She's spent all day wanting to walk around "doing London" so I'm exhausted. I've suggested maybe she go out later on her own if she wants to do something as I need to rest, but she won't do anything without me then acts like she's missing out. I'm starting to feel very put out and frustrated. To make it worse, she talks continuously and I'm at my wits end! I just need peace!
If gets worse though. She apparently also did this to another friend whos now said she can't put her up next week, so she's decided she's now staying with me till Monday. I can't face going to work on Monday morning exhausted because she's been here all weekend! Thing is, we never invited her or offered to put her up. She just decided she was staying with us. I'm scared Monday will now turn into Tuesday and so on. Shes spending 3 weeks in the UK and I'm just scared this is going to continue.
AIBU? I can't tell if it's the pregnancy hormones or if it really is totally inappropriate to enforce yourself on a tired, pregnant woman. I can cope with the original plan of tomorrow, but I don't want her staying any longer 😭
@Mindchilder - I wish I knew. Combination of social anxiety and not wanting to cause conflict I suppose
I think just tell her you have things to do and she can only stay the original dates. She is very rude to impose like this.
What's the worst thing that will happen if you tell her she can't stay?
Screw that - tell her Sunday is it and she has to leave house by lunchtime as you have things to do and need rest.
If she refuses then remind her she will be fully unwelcome and removed.
Your pregnant and need rest - kick her out or phone family who will.
Tomorrow morning simply ask her if she would like some breakfast before she leaves, as by 11am you will be resting for the rest of the day.
She’s clearly rude and does doesnt care your or the fact she is imposing upon your hospitality.
Just say. I’m tired, I’m pregnant and I’m not coping. You need to stick to your original plan I cannot put you up for any longer.
Does she have children? Aside from the CFery of just wanting to stay without being invited - if she’s never been pregnant she might not realise quite how exhausting the first trimester is.
Thanks ladies. I wish I'd had the confidence to be more assertive in the first place. I never seem to stand up for myself because I don't like to inconvenience people, but ironically it seems she doesn't have the same worries..
She knows you will try and appease her, she's relying on you to give her the tour and provide lodgings.
Can you feign illness and go to bed?
@TheQueef: I'm writing this from my bedroom while 'having a nap' and am quite tempted to not get up again.
This is a job for your DP. Get him to step in and have a word. A lot easier if you find confrontations difficult. Something along the lines of 'hey dear cf , Sorry but I we are going to have to cut this visit short my wife needs to rest, she is working long hours and the first trimester is exhausting '. Let him beat his chest and be all protective macho ! ... You can smile and nod in agreement.
Don't get up! And certainly dont entertain her!
Be as boring as possible - no conflict if it makes you feel stressed - but - let her see a changed you who is now a couch potato, early to bed etc
♥️ Thank you all. It really does mean a lot to feel supported in this. DH is due home in a few hours so I might actually take up your advice, @fontofnoknowledge, and ask if he can step in. I know its not his battle to fight but I feel like he would deal with it better than me
Agree with above poster, I would get your partner to step in and say you feel ill and do they mind cutting it short. Then I'd make it clear you're not well. I hate cheeky people who only think of themselves with no consideration for others.
Stay in bed until DP is home.
Stop feeling guilty too, it sounds like she's a professional blagger hence other friend suddenly saying no.
Get your DH to step in and tell her that she needs to leave tomorrow as you both have a busy work week and you need to rest as you are pregnant.
2 days later I get a text from her saying she's booked her flights and will be staying with us from Friday to Sunday!
Which was your opening to say:
I'm really sorry, Friend's Name, but I think there have been some crossed wires. We can't put you up all weekend. I assumed you wanted to meet up for an afternoon - maybe go for a spot of lunch and have a good chat, that kind of thing. I'm free on X day at X time if you would like to make plans, but you will need to find your own accommodation Friday-Sunday.
She was very wrong to impose and to just assume you would put her up, but you did not have to roll with the punches here, which puts you at fault, also. Though it does make you very kind and hospitable, just ... to your own detriment! You could have prevented this with a single text message. I'm not always the biggest fan of saying 'no' and I can completely sympathise with your anxiety issues, OP (I have on/off bouts myself and become easily shaken with conflicts), but sometimes you just need to dig deep, pull on that buried assertiveness and say, 'I'm sorry. That doesn't work for me.' If you don't do that, you end up with situations like this
As another poster suggested, ask her if she would like breakfast tomorrow morning - 'Would you like some toast and coffee before you head off?'
Print a list of hotels, give it to her and say I'm sorry but I need my space, I'm pregnant, I'm tired and I need you to leave on Sunday. Don't put up with it if she can afford to go elsewhere, pregnancy is rough enough without unwanted invaders.
It was kind of you to host her, although she invited herself. But now you're becoming parents now, so this is a good opportunity to change how you react and what a great lesson to learn!
You'll remember this and how it made you feel. It'll help you learn to take a pause , then say " No, that doesn't work for us. I have plans already, this is what we can fit in ..." (then suggest what you want to do only). Or, " I will have to check with my partner / calender and have a think, I'll get back to you if we can help/ do that."
If I don't know how to respond, I go for "I'll have a think and let you know if we can"
Once you have children you cannot let other people impose in unwelcome ways, as it impacts on your children and you.
I agree with PP about how to get her to leave. She's not going to be on the streets, instead just booking herself into a hotel!
I grew some balls and told her she can't stay the extra night. She's leaving tomorrow afternoon. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Thank you, guys ♥️
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