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Best friend refused to congratulate my pregnancy

(15 Posts)
Emmylou2018 Fri 10-Aug-18 22:15:42

I am currently 6 months pregnant. It's been a difficult pregnancy which has been dogged by severe sickness and fatigue from the get-go. The person I considered my closest friend was very supportive of my illness and was constantly messaging to see how I was, but wanted to know what had caused this sudden illness. I hesitated in telling her, partly because at the time I wasn't past the first trimester and had already had an early miscarriage, and partly because she had recently split from her long term partner and i knew she longed for a baby herself. Knowing this, but also knowing that it's not the sort of thing you can hide forever, I sent a tactful message to explain. I wasn't expecting a parade but I at least thought she would be supportive. She replied saying 'good for you.' and nothing more. I was a bit taken aback and a few days later asked if she intended it the way it sounded (I thought rude). She said that she didn't think it merited a congratulations as I had never seemed keen on children or on having children. This might have been true when we first met 6 years earlier, but she knew that my partner and I had been trying. Come to think of it, when I mentioned at the time that we were trying she said she thought it was a stupid idea. This last conversation was 3 months ago and we haven't spoken since. I think about her a lot and do miss her but I'm not sure I can get over what she said. I understand that the news may have been hard to hear, but even strangers have been nicer about it sad

BettaSplenden Fri 10-Aug-18 22:22:27

You don't need that kind of negativity. Leave her to it. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 10-Aug-18 22:23:49

a) she’s jealous of your baby becoming more important then her,

b) she’s having fertility issues

c) she hates children

d) she’s a cow

HugeGlassofMalbec Fri 10-Aug-18 22:52:12

My former friend said "was it planned... you'll become another baby bore now".

When DS was born premature and in NICU she send a video of her at Comic-Con with the tag "to take your mind off things".

I suddenly realised she was a massive narcissist and not someone I wanted in mine, my DH's nor my DS's lives!

It's sad, it's like a break up, but take a HUGE step back from her.

CantankerousCamel Fri 10-Aug-18 22:54:11

Your friend group changes massively when you have kids. You’ll look back in 8 years and realise all those idiots acting like idiots are stil the same nearly a decade later

fuzzywuzzy Fri 10-Aug-18 22:57:30

She’s jealous and upset.

You said she’s broken up with her long term boyfriend recently and really wants a baby.

That’s pretty much your answer.

She may come round and apologise once she’s got thro her own issues.

Mean time you take care of yourself and enjoy your pregnancy.

Congratulations.

Yukka Fri 10-Aug-18 22:58:37

So she hasn't checked in on her pregnant friend in 3 months..? Let her walk far far away and focus on yourself and baby x

Emmylou2018 Fri 10-Aug-18 23:17:18

Thanks for your replies. I should mention that I live far from family and don't have many - or any - close friends (except my partner). she'd previously been a great friend, so yes it has felt a lot like a break up. I keep wondering whether I should get in touch but even if she replied I don't see how our relationship would be the same... She's clearly not happy for me, and doesn't care if I'm unwell.

Emmylou2018 Fri 10-Aug-18 23:23:10

To be honest, other friends and even close family seem to have silently slunk off after announcing the pregnancy. They were excited at first, but because I've been ill and can't go out any more it's like they don't want to know until the baby is born. It makes me feel bitter towards people because I've needed them now more than ever - the spiteful part of me feels like telling them to do one when they want to see the baby (hey, maybe this is why I don't have many friends!!)

BlueBug45 Sat 11-Aug-18 05:22:16

OP calm down - some people will know that you will feel shit if you are pregnant, while others don't know what to do with sick people so both groups will leave you alone. If you feel better contact them and say so.

Just make sure once you have had your 20 week scan you book some antenatal classes and when the baby is here you go to some parenting groups/classes as you will meet more people there.

Millypad Sat 11-Aug-18 09:18:07

I do just have to step in on behalf and of your friend here - even though she’s acting not particularly fairly to you, that’s true. I was the friend who suffered a mc and couldn’t fall again, and when my bf fell pregnant very easily I was absolutely heartbroken. Sounds so selfish and you can try as hard as you like, but it’s a primal, black hole of sadness where you act stubbornly, selfishly and not like yourself at all. Thankfully I pulled myself out of it several months in and apologised but my bf was very kind and gave me the space I needed. She will be broken, give her time.

Flamingo84 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:50:00

Couldn’t read and run as I found myself in a very similar situation. My close friend of over 10 years reacted in the same way to my pregnancy.

I told her early on as I’d been ill and couldn’t hide it from her. After 3months when I announced it to the rest of our circle, she decided to tell everyone that she and her DH had been trying for months. It was the first I’d heard of it but I didn’t tell anyone that DH and I were trying so I assumed she felt the same. She then told mutual friends and acquaintances that I wasn’t interested in having children and she was shocked I was pregnant. (I’ve always wanted a child and had discussed this with her). So I was approached by several people asking if my much loved baby was an accident. When I had my gender scan, she chose to that day to tell everyone she’d had a very early miscarriage (days after getting a faint BFP) a month after I conceived. I tried to be supportive and didn’t bring up my pregnancy when we met up but she complained to others that I was ‘going on about it all the time’. confused

Even after her behaviour, I first wrote it off as shock and a bit of jealousy but in the end her behaviour was impacting on my health. She made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells, defend my decision to conceive and put up with mutual friends spreading lies that I hadn’t planned my baby.

I stopped having contact with her and if she contacts me I keep the conversation very superficial and don’t tell her anything specific about the pregnancy. I thought by now (I’m 37 weeks) she might have gotten to a place where she could accept it, even if she was still grieving her own situation. However, I think this will be one of those friendships that doesn’t survive a new baby.

I hope your friend can come out the other side of this and you can get back the relationship you had. From experience I’d say, give her time and try to be supportive but don’t do it at the detriment of you and your baby.

Congratulations and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly flowers x

Charlotte1x Sat 11-Aug-18 10:09:28

She’s jealous and upset. Her reaction speaks volumes about herself and her insecurities. Hopefully she’ll come around and stop acting in this way, but until she does I would just carry on and focus on people who spread positivity in your life. Congratulations xx

Darkstar4855 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:09:32

OP have you told your other friends and family how you’re feeling and that you could do with some extra support? They may not have realised how bad you’re feeling.

Agree with previous comments that for people who want a baby but can’t have one the pregnancy of a close friend can be incredibly hard. Your friend is behaving very ungraciously but I would try not to take it personally and just back off and give her some space. If she decides she wants to make amends then it’s up to you whether you want her back in your life or not.

ReginaPhalange89 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:03:47

I've had this in the past with a friend. She never seemed to acknowledge my pregnancy, had a group chat with a few girls and she never replied to any of the messages about scans etc . She had been trying for a while so I put it down to jealousy... Still friends now but not as close as we were, even though she now has a child too. We're both now trying again and I feel like if I get pregnant first it's going to happen again

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