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He has to ruin everything

(19 Posts)
Izzyw1983 Fri 10-Aug-18 18:10:56

Sorry for the rant
I have always been told i couldnt have children...for last 10 years never used protection
I met someone in February and we dated for 3.5 months....guess what...I got pregnant.... about 3 weeks after finding out we broke up.... he became quite nasty on messages and I tried to make arrangements for when the baby is here.... he just kept calling me names and wouldn't discuss it.. only wanted me to take him back...I explained many times I couldn't be with him and the arguments we had while we were together changed the way I saw and felt for him.... he just kept calling me names....I left it a few weeks befire trying to discuss the baby again....and yet again all I got was abuse.... so I said as we couldn't discuss it reasonably I would have to do it through a third party when the baby was born and he could see it in a contact centre (not comfortable with him taking the baby in his car... previous dangerous driving police records)
Since all this have found out he has also records for violence and threats....police are checking up on me...have issued him with warnings....as he is still writing to me being nasty...threatening any male friends of mine accusing them of sniffing round me.
Every time I go for a scan or appointment I come away feeling great...then I get an email from him with more nasty comments....someone is feeding him with information...I have him blocked on everything... it's driving me crazy...and making me hate him more and more.

Vampyress Sat 11-Aug-18 03:29:38

I am so sorry you are going through this but I think you need to contact women's aid to get advice on how to get this man out of your life, he is abusive, violent and it sounds like a bit of a stalker. As your baby is not born yet this man has no parental responsibility so long as he isn't on babies birth certifcate if you are in the uk therefore no right to contact once baby does arrive. He would need to prove parentage via dna testing to obtain those rights via court order. This man could be a danger to both you and your child and there are ways you can protect you both.

So sorry you are going through this x

Greenyogagirl Sat 11-Aug-18 03:32:33

I don’t suppose his name starts with a T does it hmm
All you can do is try to distance yourself as much as possible, stop contacting him, concentrate on you and baby, congratulations too x

BlueBug45 Sat 11-Aug-18 05:11:59

@Vampyress it is not hard for fathers to get parental responsibility in the courts and in normal circumstances they are easily granted it.

However at the moment the OP needs to immediately stop all contact with this man and report all threats she receives from him to the police plus contact Woman's Aid to see whether she can help get an injunction to stop him contacting her.

OP there is never any point contacting a separated father about contact until the baby is here as breast fed babies cannot be left without their mother for more than a couple of hours. Once the baby is over 6 months and weaned it's different.

In your case as he is violent you must tell the midwives that the baby's father has a history of violence, is threatening you and you have gone to the police so SS can be involved (they will do very little at the moment) as you need to ensure he can only ever have supervised contact with the child. If he's gone to court for any of his crimes he will be better versed in the legal system than you, so you need to start putting things in place now to protect the both of you.

Most importantly if he ever turns up on your doorstep do not let him in and call the police immediately.

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 06:01:31

No I don't think it's the same person haha unless he changed his name...

The police told me not to reply in May so I haven't...I've blocked everything but my email as it's a work one and there's no block option...changed my number...deleted Facebook...
IDAS are involved too and he's already been issued with a PIN as of this week from the police...I'm planning on moving away next year but have to save. I am doing everything I'm supposed to but I'm just getting fed up of it all....I have all his old incident numbers from his ex wife...and have applied for Claire's law disclosure which I'm waiting for the result as it takes a few days....
I wish I had found all this out before telling him I was pregnant.... I have been told not to put him on the birth certificate by a solicitor, Idas and the police. I've put word out to people that I've ready moved away....I can't believe all this and we were together 3 months.

DoneDisappeared Sat 11-Aug-18 06:05:48

Tag his e-mail as spam and it should go straight to the junk folder. Or get your IS department to block his e-mail. The should be some sort of filter option available.

Bellabutterfly2016 Sat 11-Aug-18 08:04:37

Oh op I'm so sorry to read this. My cousin was in a similar relationship years back now and she went for a termination because she just couldn't face the thought of someone so awful being in her life.
It was a tough choice but 15 years on she's married to a great guy with 2 kids.

She had endometriosis so worried but the doctor she saw was great and said if her body had got pregnant once it could do it again and it did.

I hope whatever you decide to do you get the right support for this as it sounds very stressful. I hope you've got a good support network. I second contacting women's aid to get some help they're amazing - sending big hugs 🤗 and

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 08:37:28

At the moment I am Forwarding all his emails to the police so we can go to court if he continues after being issued with a PIN ... I'm just having a moan as I only have my mum and a couple of friends that live 100 miles away...

littlebillie Sat 11-Aug-18 09:35:53

I would consider having the baby adopted or moving a long way away and getting a new name as the connection is dangerous for both of you. He sounds insane and I wouldn't like to raise a child in fear.

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:53:07

I would never consider giving up the child and he was not violent towards me as I've said...I found out he had been to his ex wife (or current as he lied about being divorced)

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:53:56

I'm not scared of him I just wish he would leave me alone....

Mandalaface Sat 11-Aug-18 10:12:11

I've been in a similar situation, but wasn't pregnant. I did not pursue with the police and wish I had, as I was terrified at the time. I was stalked for a while after, but after about 10 months of no contact it stopped, although it may be different for you. This guy made threats to kill himself, assault my family, set me on fire, called me names etc, anything to get me to contact him. It's only later in life i realised this guy had BPD and was probably quite ill. I still can't help but feel repulsed by the thought of him though. I would read up on BPD as it helps you understand that it's not anything you've done that's made this happen. He will make you feel defective and a horrible person, but he is just projecting how he feels about himself on to you.

There is a chance that he will eventually give up when he is not getting any response from you or meets someone else, but you are doing the right thing by involving the police and documenting the abuse. I think if he has a history of DV, SS would be very reluctant to allow him to have contact with the child on his own, but it sounds like he is using the child as an excuse to maintain contact with you and to continue to be abusive. Does he already have kids? On what terms does he see them?

Is it possible to move away for a bit closer to your parents and friends after the child is born, or are you very much committed to work? Could you possibly move out of town and a bit closer to them. It must be hard going through this on your own and having them around will help. I know the feeling of looking over your shoulder all the time, and being away from where you currently live might help, but it doesn't completely go away. I still worry about bumping in to my ex and I last saw him 15 years ago!

You have absolutely done the right thing by ejecting this guy from your life. He is not in a place mentally where he can be a good partner, let alone a father. I hope it all works out for you in the end, but please stick to your guns and don't let him guilt trip you. He needs to accept that his past and current behaviour demonstrates that he is not in a place where he can be a father and has to prove to you otherwise.

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:44:11

I'm planning on moving next summer and I have 2 jobs....one of them means I can work anywhere in the country (NHS)
He actually believes that he's the one who has been abused by his ex wife and I have ripped his hopes and dreams from his hands (Yes his words)
But when I did speak to him in May he did nothing but call me names because I said I wouldn't take him back.... but since then he's some how found out who I'm chatting to on my new Facebook account and he's contacting and threatening my male friends telling them to stop sniffing round me... I have deleted and blocked the people I think are passing him info...and we have no other mutual friends....i am hoping he does give up eventually because one more contact after next Wednesday means he ends up with a criminal record for harassment and stalking.... he's been warned twice by the police ..... thanks for your help xx
Mandalaface I don't k ow how to tag people haha

Vampyress Sat 11-Aug-18 11:47:00

Aww OP I am so glad that you have taken so many precautionary steps to protect you and your baby, I hope that he gets the message and backs off so you can finally get peace and enjoy what's left of your pregnancy and your new baby once they arrive xxx

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 12:15:52

I will get there eventually... but just needed to put it down and let out my little rant haha
Baby is having a good old shuffle naughty thing..could have done that when I went for my scan to see what I was having...but no had to keep legs crossed and hide it haha

Vampyress Sat 11-Aug-18 13:50:21

Haha my first ds did that too, I still remember when they put him on my tummy after delivery and i reached down to stroke his back and got a handful of baby boy haha blush.

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:16:30

Haha very nice

WhoWants2Know Sat 11-Aug-18 14:28:03

I don't want to worry you, but you may need to think about ditching whatever devices you use to access your emails and messages. It's possible that he's used a keyboard logger to capture your passwords and see who you are chatting to. It's happened to me and the guy wasn't even very tech savvy

Izzyw1983 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:57:40

No he's not the brightest button in the box and I think I know who has been telling him stuff

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