My partner does not want kids but has his own

[JS374phina]

Hi,

Just wanting some advice really..... I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years and we are both very happy and even looking to buy our first house soon from renting. ( I am 28 and him 31 by the way) He has a 10 yr old son from a previous young relationship whom we have on the weekends, which at first I found really hard to deal with and felt completely left out and useless but has massively improved now and I have a good relationship with him.

I've been thinking lately of having our own child, not quite now but in the next couple of years. He has always said to me since we met that he wanted this also but recently I have been getting the opposite feeling from him and asked him outright. He told me he has changed his mind about a child and doesn't want another but loves me and if we end up having one, would just go with it rather than lose me.

This has made me incredibly upset even if he is willing to have a child just to keep our relationship. I imagined having a child with someone just as eager and ready for it, now I feel as if I'd be forcing it upon him and I really don't know what to do. Am I being overdramatic or do I have a right to feel upset?

Would love some advice as I have no one I am comfortable confiding in.

Jade

[Rebecca36]

I don't believe you should have a child with someone who doesn't want one. It seems selfish as he already has a child but that's how he feels.

If you really do want a child, find someone else. There are plenty of (childless) men out there in your age group who would love to settle down and have a family.

[BlueBug45]

Please don't buy a house with this guy as you both want different things. As having children is important to you unfortunately it looks like you need to split up so you can find someone else who loves you but also wants children with you, and not just as a sticking plaster to try and keep your relationship going.

[ReginaPhalange89]

I'd definitely put off house hunting for now . You clearly want different things, I wouldn't buy a house with someone without making plans for the future.

[JS374phina]

Well the general response seems to be to call it a day. Its so hard, as we both have feelings for each other still. He doesn't seem to think it is a big deal so doesn't feel sad. He keeps telling me everything will be okay and of course we can have a baby.

How can I just ignore what he told me before?

His son was unplanned as he had him so young. He has also confided in me and said he didn't want his son at the time either but he is a brilliant dad and wouldnt give him up for the world.... I just wonder if he it is good enough that he doesn't rhink it is the end of the world if it does happen to us.

[PurpleFlower1983]

I think you need to cut your losses and move on. Having a child is a masive test of a relationship and you need to be on the same page.

[ThanksItHasPockets]

I’m sorry but you clearly want very different things. I think you need to be glad that you he has been honest with you and that you have had this conversation now rather than in ten years. You can’t wait around hoping for him to change his mind, and both you and any future child deserve better than someone who would be grudgingly willing to stick by you in the event of an accidental pregnancy. If he already has a child then he is more aware than most of the realities of parenting and IMHO all the less likely to change his mind.

[Bibijayne]

You can love each other, but still not be compatible. If you want different things from the relationship, it's better to leave now than put your life on hold.

[387I2]

I think you two should talk it over, and that you should not rush into a situation of breaking up. It's difficult to get really good advice from us on the internet as we don't have the full picture.

[raysan1]

Not to be ageist [alert for ageist comment to follow], I had similar situation when my partner was early 20's and i took a chance... worked out as we are now bitg excited for the December arrival of our 1st child. However, once i hit 30, i was prepared to end it if he hadn't changed his mind.
Up to you if you could go ahead on the basis that he would do it for you.... I find people are quite flexible in their opinions. Especially once he sees one day the little life that is part of both of you. He doesn't need to love "a child" (a concept), just "the child" (that you conceive and raise together, with his/her own personality)

Not easy.

[coffeeplastic]

A lot of people are advising you to break up and honestly it's the most sensible advice. I do want to give you my perspective though as I was in the same boat.

He is older than me and has older children. After we'd been together for a couple of years we had the serious discussion about our future and he had been sure for a long time he didn't want any more children. I had always wanted children and just couldn't compromise on the idea of being a mother one day. So we took the heartbreaking decision to break up, and my god it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was by far the worst period of my life and we both utterly heartbroken to be apart, but we thought it was the most sensible decision because we wanted different things.

However after a few months of separation we were both still completely miserable and ended up having a big heart to heart. I still knew that I'd never be happy to not be a mum but he had been thinking a lot about the implications of another child. As long as we were able to reassure ourselves on a lot of issues (e.g. finances and ensuring his current children would not be negatively affected) he had come around to the idea of another child when it meant us being together as a family.

We still didn't rush into anything and waited until we'd bought our home together and set up a pretty solid foundation as a blended little step-family, his kids are amazing. We're now expecting our child together and he is so excited to meet our baby and be a dad again. He still makes the odd jokey comment about "not another one" but it's clear to anyone that he is completely in love with the little bun in my oven, and we're stupidly happy together.

Like a poster before me said, the concept of "another child" and the tangible "our child" that's been created have very different emotions attached to them. The idea scared him and I completely see why.

I'm not saying it's the right path for everyone but with a lot of good communication and honesty we found that it works for us and I'm so glad I didn't let him go when I first tried to!

[BlueBug45]

@387I2 they have talked it over. If he doesn't want a child then he shouldn't be forced to have one and by waiting the OP risks never having children of her own.

[Mousefunky]

At 28 you are young enough to leave him, find someone on the same page as you and have a family. Don’t make the mistake many do of hoping your DP will change his mind, realising he won’t and it being too late to have children.

I definitely would not be buying a house with him. Personally, I would leave him and find someone who wants the same things as you.

[StruggsToFunc]

I find people are quite flexible in their opinions. Especially once he sees one day the little life that is part of both of you. He doesn't need to love "a child" (a concept), just "the child" (that you conceive and raise together, with his/her own personality)

I’m really glad that this worked out for you but OP can’t bank on this.

You have to be absolutely sure that your partner wants the child for reasons other than to save your relationship. You have to know (at least as far as anyone can) that in the toughest moments of parenting he won’t throw this in your face because you were the one who truly wanted a child, not him.

Best of luck with whatever you decide, OP.

[HellaBella0]

I was in a very similar situation to this at 28 although my partner (then 30) didn't already have any children. We got together in our very early 20s and he had always said he wanted kids one day. I had started to suspect over the years that he wasn't that keen so asked him outright one day and he confessed that he had changed his mind and had been struggling with when and how to tell me.

I was devastated of course. We talked about breaking up as it wasn't something I was willing to compromise on and he then said he was willing to have children for me (to keep me...same as your situation). I thought about this A LOT and a lot of discussions happened and tears shed but I decided to end it. For me, I wanted someone who was going to be as excited and ready for it as I was. I wasn't willing to take the risk that he would resent the child or me.

I am now married to someone else and pregnant and my husband is just as excited about this baby as I am. my ex is happily in a relationship with someone who also doesn't want children. We are still friends and both agree that we totally made the right decision and are both miles happier.

I know this isn't always the case and it's SUCH a difficult position to be in but just thought I'd share my experience.

[TwitterQueen1]

Another one saying you need to move on I'm afraid. To say he'd have one rather than lose you is an awful way to bring a child into the world. You are right to want your partner to be as excited as you and to really, really want a child. I would guess (from reading many other similar posts on here) that in a few years' time, when you're living together in your own home and you raise the subject, all you'll get is a constant stream of "let's wait a while." "I don't think the time is right just yet." "I'm not sure we can really afford it ...."

I might be wrong of course, but you could spend the next five years of your life expecting to have children only to find he's definitely decided against it.

[LeftRightCentre]

PLEASE please please move on. Start to detach. You have time to find someone else. You're young enough, you don't need to go out with some guy who already has kids. And you deserve someone who wants to have a family with you. People like this also pull the, ok, I'll have kids but only one and this is never something you should agree to because you may change your mind once your child is here.

[JS374phina]

Thankyou everyone for your advice. I think I am going to have a think and further talks with my partner. If I had heard this situation from the other side, I also may have advised to move on and find someone else. It feels totally different on this side though and I feel we need to sort out our priorities.

I know he has definitely been weighing everything up and considering our life in the future with a child. Our relationship is still amazing after 4 years and we love each other deeply. I also have developed my relationship with his son, and I would be heartbroken to just throw that away.

From talking to my partner, his concerns on having a child are not necessarily what will happen. I also have to consider that he was a single dad with his first child as his first relationship broke down as soon as his son was born so that experience also may be putting him off. I believe it would be totally differènt, being that he is also 11 years older than at his son's birth.

[cardboard33]

One of my best friends broke up with her long term partner as he didn't want kids and she did. We were 29 at the time and whilst they really loved each other she decided that if they had different life priorities then it wasn't going to work in the long run. Less than 18 months later she's got a 2 month old baby and is happy with another guy. He's still single, as far as I know.

[thethoughtfox]

Move on.