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Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

(359 Posts)
TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 05:49:19

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

RembeccaM Tue 31-Jul-18 06:17:16

You know you have to tell him, but I think you also have to say you won't get an abortion. You know he is going to freak out (especially with lack of sleep) but let him calm down before you talk it through- and the sooner you do this the less frantic it will feel adjusting to the news. Good luck! flowers

NynaeveSedai Tue 31-Jul-18 06:20:02

He used the pull out method; he has no leg to stand on.
You've both been very foolish, but don't let him get angry with you.

HettySunshine Tue 31-Jul-18 06:22:31

This must be scary for you. Does he know you're not on the pill? If so, he must know that you getting pregnant is likely as you are having unprotected sex.

If you are 100% certain you are going to keep the baby whatever happens I think you should tell him sooner rather than later. He will need time to process and get his head round the idea.

For what it's worth I had three under 3. It's hard but manageable. Do you have any local family support?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

ichifanny Tue 31-Jul-18 06:29:58

Ah a risky game you played ( I know I’m pregnant with number 4 with the same methods ) you sound like you know you won’t abort be pregnancy so just sit down and tell him and share the worry , your babies will be 18 months nearly 2 and a half by the time this one is born which will make a big difference .

crazydoglady6867 Tue 31-Jul-18 06:33:43

There are ways to put a positive spin on this, if you are still waking with your second you may as well be awake with a third, but you know your OH and you know he will be fine once he gets used to the idea otherwise you would have both been more careful. It is great to get all those sleepless nights done and dusted before you are in your 30’s. Just tell him today, and leave him to digest it for a few days. Of course it isn’t ideal but it is how it is and you need to look for all the good things about it. Good luck.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 06:38:44

Yes he is aware that I’m not on any form of birth control, but stupidly I’m harbouring guilt right now as if this situation is entirely my fault - I know that it isn’t, two-to-tango and all that jazz, I just can’t shake the feeling that the blame will reside with me.

After having gone through a surgical abortion all those years ago, I know I couldn’t do it again. When we fell pregnant with DS2, I told OH there and then that for me, abortion is no longer an option and he completely understood that.

I’m just scared that deciding factors such as money, needing to move to a bigger property and general exhaustion from our existing two children will give him more of a leg to stand on regarding asking me to terminate.

I’m also panicking that he’ll use the ultimatum I’ve seen a few husbands on here use - the ‘get an abortion or I’m leaving you’ trick. I really don’t think he’ll say that, but in the heat of the moment with the shock, the pressure etc, who knows what one might say!

Gah. I feel so silly for not being more careful, but I know I won’t regret this baby. I will regret a termination. I hope OH will understand.

I just need to find the courage to tell him sad

ichifanny Tue 31-Jul-18 06:59:25

Just blurt it out later , I was dreading telling my husband we considered termination but knew we couldn’t go ahead , don’t take an initial negative reaction to heart too much , let the shock wear off for him . My husband and I cried for about 2 weeks together , we are fine now baby is nearly due .

WinterBabyIsComing Tue 31-Jul-18 09:00:48

I'm a bit astounded by this. You have been having sex without contraception, you already have 2 kids, what did you think would happen?

The fact that you've been doing this suggests that neither of you are especially opposed to a third otherwise you would have actively taken steps to prevent it.

Tell your DH, you both have responsibility for this and next time, if you don't want a baby take precautions.

xJune88 Tue 31-Jul-18 09:04:28

The sooner you tell him the better then you can discuss together and support each other but do not do anything you don't want to do and from what you've said I don't think your husband would push you to anything anyway. Hope your ok xx

absoluteclassic Tue 31-Jul-18 09:23:17

If you are really worried about telling him could you write him a nicely worded letter outlining the news and how you are feeling. As you hand it over you could say there's something I need to discuss with you but I'd appreciate it if you read this first. You could maybe take the kids out for half an hour or so and when you come back he will have hopefully have got over the initial shock.
Sorry if this is rubbish advice but is probably what I would do in your situation.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 09:39:55

I’m definitely okay with having a third child, hence why I didn’t want him having a vasectomy after our second DS was born.
Granted I didn’t want another baby quite so soon, but it is what it is and I can see both the positives and the negatives to having three so close together - my OH on the other hand, will likely only focus on the negatives.

He’s in a bad mood this morning which is not helping matters. Our eldest was up many times last night and OH is awful to be around when he doesn’t get much sleep.

Part of me just wants to blurt out ‘IM PREGNANT’ then run for the door to escape an argument, the other wants to sit calmly, listen to what he has to say then put across my views. I’m just struggling to find my lady balls to tell him what’s going on.

RedNed Tue 31-Jul-18 09:44:52

confused threads like these confuse me. You have a 7 month old, 20 month old and you're pregnant again? I would feel exactly like your OH and think my plate was full but then I wouldn't be stupid enough to not use contraception.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Tue 31-Jul-18 09:51:29

I think you (both) have been extremely irresponsible. However this baby is now on it's way. No idea how you are going to tell him. But if he doesn't sign up for a vasectomy straight away, I would be looking at norplant or an IUD for you.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 09:54:30

I think out of the two of us, my plate is more 'full' than my OH's, but regardless, he will be within his rights to be be overwhelmed and scared when I do eventually tell him.

I'm not disputing that we aren't silly for not taking better precautions - bottom line, he knows I'm not on birth control and chose to 'do the deed' inside me - while I'm okay with a third, those actions don't match up with someone who is entirely opposed to more children.

LookAtIt Tue 31-Jul-18 09:57:07

^ I know we’re foolish for not using protection^

I can't believe that you were both so reckless. I suspect you partner is going to feel you 'tricked' him into this third pregnancy - even though it's his own fault for having unprotected sex.
Are you worried that another baby will mean that you might split up? Can you afford another baby? If you work the childcare for three preschoolers might be tricky.

BTW My kids are really close together and I think it was easier for us than having them spread out. It's full on when they are little but that stage soon passes.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 10:04:43

There's absolutely no trickery involved! He chose himself to leave it in knowing full well I'm not on anything. He also knows that even though I mentioned a few months back about starting the pill, I've never been 100% sold on taking pills/the implant/coil etc, so preventing any further pregnancies was on him until I found a birth control that I liked the sound of. I know, I know, I could have stopped him during sex and told him to put a condom on, but given that I don't think having another baby is a bad thing, I didn't feel the pressure to make him wear one.

Clairetree1 Tue 31-Jul-18 10:07:30

well, he already knows you could be pregnant then, doesn't he, he can't act all surprised.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 10:08:38

We will just about be able to cope financially with a third. Each month, we both have some 'play' money left over after bills, rent etc has been taken care of. A third child will simply mean we have less luxury money and will have to go without a few things. Which is the sacrifice you make when you have children and isn't the end of the world.

I don't think he'll leave me for continuing with the pregnancy, but I also don't want to put him in a position that he isn't comfortable with. I'm scared he'll wind up resenting the child, or me, for having the child.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Tue 31-Jul-18 10:09:04

Tell him right now. If he's tired, grumpy & sleep deprived; he may as well get used to it as this will be his life for the next 5 years

LunaTrap Tue 31-Jul-18 10:10:43

He has no leg to stand on since he chose to have unprotected sex. I find it bizarre though on these kinds of threads when OPs refer to the pregnancy as unplanned, and like it is going to be some big shock. What on earth did either of you think was going to happen if you have unsafe sex??

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Tue 31-Jul-18 10:14:28

But you didn’t use contraception. Why are you suprised that your pregnant?!

mydogisthebest Tue 31-Jul-18 10:22:42

I can't believe in 2018 couples take such a slap dash attitude to sex. I have had 2 youngish neighbours tell me this week they are pregnant with their 3rd child. Apparently they weren't planned but as they weren't using contraception it "happened"! Neither have any money (one of the couples neither of them work).

Please make sure you don't end up having a 4th

Liz3891 Tue 31-Jul-18 10:40:01

I really don't see the point in going on and on about how you think the OP was foolish, reckless, etc. Going forward, OP (or her partner) needs use a reliable form of birth control unless both parties want another child. In the meantime, she is pregnant and asking for advice re what to do with her partner.

FWIW I would wait til the kids are sleeping or something, sit him down adn tell him you have something to tell him. He might guess and then you can just tell him he's correct. Or just rip the bandaid off, tell him you're pregnant, that you know it's not great timing and it will be hard and that you are going to leave him alone for a while to process it. That way he won't blurt out anything hurtful while he's reeling. When you come back to speak, he can say his considered views which might still not be what you want to hear, but hopefully they won't be "heat of the moment" comments.

TryingToThinkPositively Tue 31-Jul-18 10:40:57

It was 'unplanned' in the sense that we weren't actively trying for a child/checking when I was ovulating etc. We rarely have sex. I think we average out at about once a month, twice if we're really bloody lucky.

I'm aware we should've taken precautions, I haven't come here to be told that I'm reckless or stupid, I was looking for advice on how to approach the topic with OH.

I never wanted 4 children, I only ever wanted 3, so while I'm surprised it's happened again so quickly, I'm not unhappy about it at all. This baby will absolutely be my third and final child and I can absolutely make my peace with that. OH can get a vasectomy now and I won't feel saddened by it.

I was just hoping there might've been some ladies on here who were aware how their husbands/boyfriends felt about more children and have, in one way or another l, found themselves in similar shoes to myself regarding feeling anxious about telling them.

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