As many people will already know, on Monday after the most stressful 7 weeks of my entire life, we found out that our baby had died at 9+3. And like many women in this situation, had to decide how to continue with the miscarriage. I’ve opted for a D&C as I need closure now and I don’t want my 4YO DD to witness any of this.
Ive had my ‘pre op’ appointment today which went well. A bit more prodding and poking, questions, am I happy for the remains to be cremated and scattered or do I want to bring them home? I chose the former.
My mum had to pick DD up from school, when I rang her to ask if she’d be able to she said ‘yes I can do, you never usually ask.’ Which I thought was an odd response but then hormones are all over the place so perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive?
Got back from pre op and couldn’t wait to see DD. Went up to mums to collect her, was met with a barrage of pretentious, patronising talk about my weight and how she had watched a programme the other night and how she thinks the extra pressure has ‘squeezed the baby out.’ I saw it lying dead in my womb on that scan. It had a little nose and a little mouth, little hands and little feet. It was tiny but it was still in there. I’m still carrying it around.
She recently had a hip replacement so I asked her about the general anaesthetic and what it was like as I’ve never been up under GA before. My step dad chimed in ‘oh they’ll do it with a huge needle and you’ll be sick as a dog afterwards,’ with a grin on his face. He then went on to say ‘oh and by the way it’ll fucking stink.’ I was quite shocked at this point and asked him what he meant and he said ‘well it’s been dead for a week.’ My mum went on to say his name in a disapproving tone and then said ‘oh the GA isn’t so bad, it’s quite relaxing, you’re procedure isn’t going to be very long, well, it won’t be anywhere near as bad as when I had my hip replaced, you’ll just have to get on with it.’
I can tell you now, I’d much rather be getting my hip replaced than having my dead, much loved and much wanted baby sucked out of my womb.
I left at that point but I sobbed uncontrollably in the car in front of DD which made her cry too. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what my mum has turned into. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but I’m just broken.
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Pregnancy
I don’t know how much more I can take - MMC
Iswallowtoothpaste · 20/06/2018 23:23
I’m so sorry your going through this and your related to such horrible people 
Not an excuse for her shitty behaviour but I think our mothers generation and older had a different view on early miscarriages.
There are no words for your step dad though. Is he always such a crass dickhead?
Hi OP 
sorry for your loss.
Your parents sound awful - please ignore them as much as you can, they have no idea and you need supportive people around you.
If it helps, I have just had (on Monday) the ERPC for MMC - having had a MMC before and a miscarriage of an ectopic before that.
For the last 2 weeks since we knew our baby had died (I too have a 4yr old & v much wanted this baby, was ivf) I had felt awful - I still felt queasy and just felt utterly depressed.
The op is very straightforward and quick, the worst bit is the hanging around for it and for me when they gave me the drug for softening the cervix beforehand - it can cause the shakes and it did for me, I wasn't prepared for that, so thought I'd mention it in case! Take a book as I went in for 11 but didn't have op til 4... so need to occupy yourself.
Anyway, having had 2 miscarriages pass naturally - this was far far easier. I came round from the general and felt surprisingly good - I think mostly it's relief it's almost over. I've had some mild pain afterwards, but nothing much and bleeding has been lighter than my period is usually, so honestly I'm so glad I had the op rather than wait it out again as I just couldn't face it again.
I hope it goes well for you & pls just stay away from your parents, they are idiots x
I’m so sorry to hear this, thinking of you. I found my d&c oddly euphoric. That sounds really strange because obviously I was devastated, but after my mmc I was carrying around the ‘baby’ (I only say it like that because mine hadn’t developed to that stage) for three weeks because they wanted to see if it would pass naturally. Despite bleeding, it didn’t. I was at work, still dealing with this, getting blood tests every two days and internal examinations weekly. When they finally agreed to let me have a d&c, I felt relief like nothing else. Finally you can say goodbye properly, mourn and accept what has happened instead of being in this devastating halfway house of being pregnant, but not. Everyone at the op was very respectful, it was very quick and I didn’t suffer much pain. Afterwards I had a real excuse to look after myself and watch Gilmore girls. It’s horrible leading up to it, but I promise you will feel a weight lifted once it’s happened, because then you can finally deal with how you’re feeling. Bless you
I'm sorry op but not only are your Mum and Step Dad cruel, they are also stupid. What grown woman thinks a miscarriage can be caused by the baby being squeezed ffs? And a foetus stinking? It worries me that such people are walking the earth.
My Mum managed to be repeatedly horrible to me during two MMC but the really good think to come out of it was the realisation that she didn't care for me. I remember that now every time she needs or wants something from me.
You will get through this, but please do everything you can to shut out your family, ask DP for help and talk to friends.
Thank you all, yes I’m taking any positive I can. The surgeon came up to me afterwards and told me he thought the baby was a boy. I was quite surprised they’d be able to tell at this stage but he said that he was bigger than the sonographer had measured 
I was still doing good until this morning where I’ve heard through the grapevine that OH’s sister and adult niece have been saying that I’m attention seeking.
I put a lovely quote on FB a couple of days ago which had the words ‘what’s yours is yours, whether it’s up in the sky or whether you’re holding it in your hands.’ And it was so poignant to me. I’m a very open person. I believe miscarriage isn’t spoken about enough, it’s almost a ‘shameful’ thing to admit. I don’t ignore and disregard my DD who is living so I won’t do the same to the babies we’ve lost. The amount of people who’ve come to me and said they’ve experienced miscarriage, MMC, stillbirth etc is unbelievable. They say 1/4 but out of my ‘close’ friends of which i have half of them who have been through M/C.
Why is it so wrong to talk about it? Why do people have such a problem with it?
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