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I don’t know how much more I can take - MMC

(28 Posts)
Iswallowtoothpaste Wed 20-Jun-18 23:23:05

As many people will already know, on Monday after the most stressful 7 weeks of my entire life, we found out that our baby had died at 9+3. And like many women in this situation, had to decide how to continue with the miscarriage. I’ve opted for a D&C as I need closure now and I don’t want my 4YO DD to witness any of this.

Ive had my ‘pre op’ appointment today which went well. A bit more prodding and poking, questions, am I happy for the remains to be cremated and scattered or do I want to bring them home? I chose the former.

My mum had to pick DD up from school, when I rang her to ask if she’d be able to she said ‘yes I can do, you never usually ask.’ Which I thought was an odd response but then hormones are all over the place so perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive?

Got back from pre op and couldn’t wait to see DD. Went up to mums to collect her, was met with a barrage of pretentious, patronising talk about my weight and how she had watched a programme the other night and how she thinks the extra pressure has ‘squeezed the baby out.’ I saw it lying dead in my womb on that scan. It had a little nose and a little mouth, little hands and little feet. It was tiny but it was still in there. I’m still carrying it around.

She recently had a hip replacement so I asked her about the general anaesthetic and what it was like as I’ve never been up under GA before. My step dad chimed in ‘oh they’ll do it with a huge needle and you’ll be sick as a dog afterwards,’ with a grin on his face. He then went on to say ‘oh and by the way it’ll fucking stink.’ I was quite shocked at this point and asked him what he meant and he said ‘well it’s been dead for a week.’ My mum went on to say his name in a disapproving tone and then said ‘oh the GA isn’t so bad, it’s quite relaxing, you’re procedure isn’t going to be very long, well, it won’t be anywhere near as bad as when I had my hip replaced, you’ll just have to get on with it.’

I can tell you now, I’d much rather be getting my hip replaced than having my dead, much loved and much wanted baby sucked out of my womb.

I left at that point but I sobbed uncontrollably in the car in front of DD which made her cry too. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what my mum has turned into. I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but I’m just broken.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking Wed 20-Jun-18 23:30:36

They’re being absolute dickheads, complete twats the pair of them. Ignore them.

As for the actual procedure, I’ve had it four times in the last 12 months, it’s not bad at all. I’m a complete wuss with a phobia of needles. I take my own emla cream in and they use the needles they use on newborn babies on me, because I explained I can be a bit of a dick about it.

I bloody love having a GA, obvs not under those circumstances.. but I love the feeling of numbness and complete relaxation when I drift off, and I feel completely rested when I come round.

Take something to do, a book of puzzle mag or whatever, as you could be waiting a fair few hours for your op. In my local hospital, no visitors are allowed on the ward to wait with you. The staff have always been lovely though. You’ll be fine, honest.

RedWineAllMine Wed 20-Jun-18 23:47:16

Oh OP I don't know what to say. Apart from how inconsiderate they both seem to be about it all. If you'd have been further along it would have been a different story, it's like they see it as because you was early on it wasn't a baby etc which isn't true. It was the start of a life and like you say was already starting to take shape and form. I hope your D&C is booked in for quite soon, because when they scheduled mine I naturally miscarried the night before my op and i wouldn't wish anyone to go through what I did. The pain was off the scale.
Oh, tell your dad for his info what came out of me at 8+3 didn't smell at all, and I had been carrying it around for around 3+ weeks after it's little heart stopped beating. What a ridiculous thing to say and even suggest.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking Wed 20-Jun-18 23:54:01

With my first MMC, I chose the pill option. Think it had died around 7/8 weeks, and I should have been 13 weeks when I was scanned.
That’s 4/5 weeks I’d been carrying it without realising it had passed. No smell.

CarbonatedBeverageFiend Thu 21-Jun-18 06:05:38

I’m so sorry your going through this and your related to such horrible people flowers

Not an excuse for her shitty behaviour but I think our mothers generation and older had a different view on early miscarriages.

There are no words for your step dad though. Is he always such a crass dickhead?

Daffodil77 Thu 21-Jun-18 06:29:44

Good grief. You aren't being overly sensitive. I think it's a generational thing though. My dad and step mum came out with some classics after my MC.

MC is awful. The fact it happens to a lot of people doesn't ease the pain. It just makes it worse that so many people have to go through it. Physically it can also be quite brutal. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you've got some other more supportive people around you. The penguin huddle on here is always here to give you virtual support as well. Xx

Iswallowtoothpaste Thu 21-Jun-18 07:01:57

He’s reknowned in the local area for being a dickhead.
He’s never actually had children of his own.

I felt like I’d been beaten up when I came out of there last night. I’m so broken.

I keep remembering the sonographer doing the scan and hearing her click and click measuring, I turned to OH and shook my head, I knew when she didn’t turn the screen around that it had gone. He looked at me, winked and mouthed ‘it’s all going to be ok.’ And then it wasn’t and that’s broken my heart more than anything that he wasn’t expecting this. He’s still in shock.

Today I’m going to have to drop DD off at school before I go for this op ad I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye with out bursting into tears and making an idiot of myself.

On top of that I’m worried, scared and anxious about how it’s going to go, what to expect etc. I’m just utterly, utterly broken. Don’t know what to do with myself.

aetw Thu 21-Jun-18 07:26:49

I’m so sorry Op. I’ve been through three of these and it’s the hardest thing. Have ever gone through. My mother made similar awful remarks. Including “I don’t know why your having so much trouble, I never had any problem. But then I was slimmer than you.” Nice!
They don’t understand. They still see you as a baby yourself. You know, I think you may be finding it harder because you do t have the support. Where is your husband of partner in all this? Have you spoke to them? Could you look to having some counselling privately. I had to have a years worth of weekly sessions. Which actually dealt with a lot more than just the list of the babies. Look, you are actually coping. And you have to remember that. You will be ok, it’s really hard now but you will be ok. I hope this morning goes well and that you take care of yourself. Your not going mad you are just grieving. Ignore awful parent comments. Xx

JustVent Thu 21-Jun-18 07:37:44

What an absolute bastard. I would genuinely got NC after that.

By the way, I lost my baby at 14+4 and he too was dead for a week. He didn’t ‘fucking stink’ as your awful stepdad put it. It doesn’t work like that, they are degrading inside you. Not at that point anyway.
Don’t listen to the heartless bastard.

And your mum, judging you when you’re heart is breaking?! Not on. At ALL.

JustVent Thu 21-Jun-18 07:38:10

They *arent degrading inside you.

aetw Thu 21-Jun-18 07:47:49

Sorry @iswallowtoothpaste I think I misread your original post and the comments your mum and step father made. If I were you I would limit contact with them for the time being while you look to recover physically and mentally. There comments are actually abusive. I would ask your husband to deal with them and say how upset you found there comments. They are not acceptable. It’s acually really shocking and awful. I’m so sorry for you. Thank knibbs if you today. X

Hobbes39 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:00:05

Hi OP thanks sorry for your loss.
Your parents sound awful - please ignore them as much as you can, they have no idea and you need supportive people around you.

If it helps, I have just had (on Monday) the ERPC for MMC - having had a MMC before and a miscarriage of an ectopic before that.
For the last 2 weeks since we knew our baby had died (I too have a 4yr old & v much wanted this baby, was ivf) I had felt awful - I still felt queasy and just felt utterly depressed.

The op is very straightforward and quick, the worst bit is the hanging around for it and for me when they gave me the drug for softening the cervix beforehand - it can cause the shakes and it did for me, I wasn't prepared for that, so thought I'd mention it in case! Take a book as I went in for 11 but didn't have op til 4... so need to occupy yourself.

Anyway, having had 2 miscarriages pass naturally - this was far far easier. I came round from the general and felt surprisingly good - I think mostly it's relief it's almost over. I've had some mild pain afterwards, but nothing much and bleeding has been lighter than my period is usually, so honestly I'm so glad I had the op rather than wait it out again as I just couldn't face it again.

I hope it goes well for you & pls just stay away from your parents, they are idiots x

Iswallowtoothpaste Thu 21-Jun-18 08:42:37

I should’ve Serb off to take DD to school by now. I just can’t face taking her. OH is a farmer and is making hay at the moment so he can’t take her. I then have to go to the shop and stock up and I can’t face it. I don’t want to see people. I just can’t face it. With everything over the last few days I’ve just realised I’m about out of fuel. So hacked off

Hobbes39 Thu 21-Jun-18 09:06:45

@Iswallowtoothpaste - have you any friends you can get to help? I haven't told my parents anything about our struggles with conceiving since I had my ectopic. I told my mum then as she happened to be arriving st my house the day the bleeding started, and I deeply regretted telling them about it as it ALL became about them and me comforting them... 🙄.
So I haven't had family support - however I decided recently to tell good friends about it all and it has helped so much - one of my friends with a 4yo too picked my DS up from nursery on Monday for me and kept him entertained while I had the op. Was a huge weight off my mind to know he was having fun and wasn't worried. You need support & im sure your friends will want to help. X

JustVent Thu 21-Jun-18 09:14:54

I was the same. I spent about 4 days drinking wine and holed in my room.
I had to call upon some school mums to take the kids to and from school because I couldn’t even get out of bed. It was the absolute worst.

I didn’t ever think I was going to feel better. I didn’t think it would ever get easier or ever feel light ever again.
But it did. Very slowly. And dark times came crashing back when I least expected it but it does get easier.
Stay at home. Order some food from Tesco or somewhere for delivery. And possibly see if anyone can take dc to and from school for the rest of the week (NOT your mum!) otherwise just keep her home.

Iswallowtoothpaste Thu 21-Jun-18 09:35:40

I should’ve Serb off to take DD to school by now. I just can’t face taking her. OH is a farmer and is making hay at the moment so he can’t take her. I then have to go to the shop and stock up and I can’t face it. I don’t want to see people. I just can’t face it. With everything over the last few days I’ve just realised I’m about out of fuel. So hacked off

Millypad Thu 21-Jun-18 11:50:12

I’m so sorry to hear this, thinking of you. I found my d&c oddly euphoric. That sounds really strange because obviously I was devastated, but after my mmc I was carrying around the ‘baby’ (I only say it like that because mine hadn’t developed to that stage) for three weeks because they wanted to see if it would pass naturally. Despite bleeding, it didn’t. I was at work, still dealing with this, getting blood tests every two days and internal examinations weekly. When they finally agreed to let me have a d&c, I felt relief like nothing else. Finally you can say goodbye properly, mourn and accept what has happened instead of being in this devastating halfway house of being pregnant, but not. Everyone at the op was very respectful, it was very quick and I didn’t suffer much pain. Afterwards I had a real excuse to look after myself and watch Gilmore girls. It’s horrible leading up to it, but I promise you will feel a weight lifted once it’s happened, because then you can finally deal with how you’re feeling. Bless you flowers

Honeybee79 Thu 21-Jun-18 14:52:07

Op, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. These people sound like utterly heartless shits. What is wrong with people?!

I've had a GA before under different circus and the GA itself was not that bad.

Sending you a virtual hug.

MrsBobDylan Thu 21-Jun-18 15:41:19

I'm sorry op but not only are your Mum and Step Dad cruel, they are also stupid. What grown woman thinks a miscarriage can be caused by the baby being squeezed ffs? And a foetus stinking? It worries me that such people are walking the earth.

My Mum managed to be repeatedly horrible to me during two MMC but the really good think to come out of it was the realisation that she didn't care for me. I remember that now every time she needs or wants something from me.

You will get through this, but please do everything you can to shut out your family, ask DP for help and talk to friends.thanks

Iswallowtoothpaste Thu 21-Jun-18 18:08:21

Thank you all ladies, op went well, no where near as bad as I thought it would be. A bit of bleeding and a small amount of pain but just like period pain really.

Sorry for all your losses and thank you for your support xxx

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking Thu 21-Jun-18 18:32:39

I glad that parts over for you, it really does give a lot of closure I think x

Iswallowtoothpaste Thu 21-Jun-18 18:39:45

I feel a lot better both mentally and physically. The sore boobs and nausea were tough going when I knew my baby had gone. Both symptoms have gone now. Will take it easy for a day or two then back to it.

Quite enjoyed the GA if I’m honest (and the pain killers beforehand)

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking Thu 21-Jun-18 18:59:38

I really love a GA, I can’t achieve that level of relaxation with anything else.
I know it’s under shit circumstances, but take any positive you can right now. Clear your head and focus on yourself for now till you decide on your next plan of action 👌

aetw Thu 21-Jun-18 19:21:03

I’m glad it went ok and that you are feeling a bit better. Please take good care of yourself and ignore all others that don’t matter. Xxx

Iswallowtoothpaste Fri 22-Jun-18 07:32:00

Thank you all, yes I’m taking any positive I can. The surgeon came up to me afterwards and told me he thought the baby was a boy. I was quite surprised they’d be able to tell at this stage but he said that he was bigger than the sonographer had measured sad

I was still doing good until this morning where I’ve heard through the grapevine that OH’s sister and adult niece have been saying that I’m attention seeking.

I put a lovely quote on FB a couple of days ago which had the words ‘what’s yours is yours, whether it’s up in the sky or whether you’re holding it in your hands.’ And it was so poignant to me. I’m a very open person. I believe miscarriage isn’t spoken about enough, it’s almost a ‘shameful’ thing to admit. I don’t ignore and disregard my DD who is living so I won’t do the same to the babies we’ve lost. The amount of people who’ve come to me and said they’ve experienced miscarriage, MMC, stillbirth etc is unbelievable. They say 1/4 but out of my ‘close’ friends of which i have half of them who have been through M/C.

Why is it so wrong to talk about it? Why do people have such a problem with it?

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