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Desperate: want this baby but close to termination for anxiety

(134 Posts)
cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 07:54:48

Has anyone had any experience of really effective treatment for antenatal anxiety? I am pregnant with much wanted second child and, exactly as with first, convinced self already that have somehow harmed this poor unborn kid - last time because thought had drunk before knowing pregnant, this time was so so careful on that front so now decided that fact am 7-10 lb overweight has condemned it. Sounds ridiculous I know but am already having to talk self through fact that whilst suicide might feel like "easy" way out of having to keep on feeling like this for several months vs terminating child husband and I both want it would be an enormous betrayal of my son. I never feel anything like this when not pregnant. Am terrified that if terminate will have total breakdown, never forgive self and lose marriage and be appalling parent to son. Am terrified that if I don't, will spiral like last time and be sectioned and let down son. Advice last time was that this most likely wouldn't happen again, but it clearly is doing. I want to get better and be strong and brave and just feel clueless and without a plan. Has anyone been here? Can anyone help? Thank you so so much in advance.

Sparklesanddiamomdsforever Mon 28-May-18 07:57:19

Speak to your midwife ASAP and start taking an anti anxiety drug, sertraline is ok in pregnancy flowers

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 08:00:25

Thanks sparkles. Midwives last time were kind but didn't really help, nor did the hospital mental health team who again were kind but didn't really change anything. Know that if I take ADs - wholly irrationally - will think am harming kid further. Not sure what alternatives are. Sorry, this is bleak....

kikisparks Mon 28-May-18 08:29:44

Couldn’t read and run. Not had this but husband has anxiety and can relate to the spiralling thing and the totally unlikely worst case scenarios that can consume his mind. What helped him was firstly, CBT through his work a bit, but mainly phoning his GP when he thought he had a suicidal thought and he got an emergency referral and saw a CPN that day who talked him through things and stuck with him for a few weeks. He still has anxiety but is in a much better place now.

Being slightly overweight will not have a single iota of an effect on your baby. You are obviously a really good Mum and the best thing you can do for you and your family now is get some support and get looked after. This will get better.

If your gp is open today, call them. Use the word suicide as that will get you the emergency referral you need. You won’t be sectioned for it- that was a big fear of my husband’s but they will not do that you’ll get the help you need. It’s a bank holiday here but I don’t think it is everywhere. If GP not open go to A&E.

Other resources that might help:

Anxiety U.K. Helpline:
tel:03444775774

Samaritans
116 123

You will get through this. I know it’s hard to believe now but this will get better. Please post here when you can so we know you’re ok flowers

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 10:00:39

Thank you so so much for being so kind - gp closed but going to call tomorrow, thank you xxxx

User12879923378 Mon 28-May-18 10:07:21

In my 40s. BMI 39. Had one quite heavy drinking day in the two weeks before I knew I was pregnant. Very prone to anxiety and catastrophising. Baby is fine. Happy, burbly, meeting all milestones. Your baby will be absolutely grand. So will your son. It's good that you are thinking ahead in terms of possible impact on your mental health - that will help you manage things. Have a chat with your midwife and doctor.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 10:43:56

Thanks so much for sharing that and so happy for you. Did you feel anxiety in the pregnancy and were you able to manage that? If so, how?! Thank you!

niceupthedance Mon 28-May-18 10:46:32

Did you post with your first pregnancy? I think I remember you. What helped last time? I mean you say you have had the baby and felt better afterwards so you already have coping strategies even if you think you don't...

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Mon 28-May-18 10:48:20

OP I also had near suicidal states of anxiety at the end recent pg and it sounds utterly bonkers, but - hypnobirthing. Just deep breathing amd concentrating on the suggestiona for 45 min every day stopped the frantic mental whirl, flashbacks and catastrophising.

Mine was due to specific fears about the birth rathwr than generalised anxiety though.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 11:41:47

@niceupthedance I did yes. The strategies were basically existing and trying to stay positive whilst spending money we no longer have on cbt and planing suicide as comforting exit route which would never consider now. I’m terrified of what seeing me like this will do to little one. Just feel beyond trapped.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 11:42:49

Did try hypnobirthing last time and was comforting but didn’t really take the edge off. Thanks everyone for being so kind. Think am looking for a magic bullet that doesn’t exist. Basically think was irresponsible to get pregnant to begin with.

MrsDilligaf Mon 28-May-18 13:25:02

I remember you posting during your 1st pregnancy - and I remember feeling desperately sad for you because I know everything felt hopeless for you.

You will get through this - you did it last time. I'm rooting for you.

Be kind to yourself.

rarelythere Mon 28-May-18 13:34:26

Don't know if it helps at all but I had similar feelings at the start of my pregnancy - I think from around 8 weeks or so - made worse by a not very nice midwife. I have a history of anxiety but still found it hard to distinguish between whether or not I had made a mistake (I hadn't, it was the anxiety talking, everything is fine and I'm so glad I didn't abort). Those feelings passed and I'm now 26 weeks and feel way better. When you're pregnant you get priority referrals for any mental health issues, so do speak to your gp and/or midwife as there is help available.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 16:57:23

Thanks all for being so kind. Have contacted mental health team and as soon as can get referral from gp (hospital team open but gp not yet) they can see me. Had an email from the lead from last time (pretty amazing to get same day response on a bank holiday) and was kind, saying was not unusual to get this again and then to not make any big decisions til we had talked things though. Feeling a bit better. Still think may have to terminate and accept there’s a medical mental health barrier to our family growing but want to talk through support options as if there’s a way forward that sounds like it might keep me sane enough to care for my son properly I want to hear it. Thank you all so much xxx

User12879923378 Mon 28-May-18 19:56:26

I think I managed my anxiety just by talking to my husband and friends a lot. I didn't try to mask it - I don't know if that's what you're doing but it may help to select someone who you think will be understanding and just let it all out. It helped to know that my husband didn't think I was silly for worrying about PND and that he would keep an eye out for signs (I didn't get it in the end - must have got it all out of my system during the actual pregnancy!).

The other thing is that I kept reminding myself that pregnancy is short. It doesn't feel that way at the time (I very nearly bathed in rare steak after I'd given birth) but it really is. By the time you know you're pregnant there's only about 7 months of it to go. You've said in your OP that you don't think like this when you're not pregnant (more than I can say for myself although pregnancy definitely made it worse). It really helped me when I had depression a few years ago to just keep reminding myself that the mood swings I was experiencing represented chemical shifts in my brain. They didn't mean that I had become a different person or that I wasn't me anymore. I still felt the feelings but being able to acknowledge them and recognise them as a physical response to physical changes helped a lot. Does that make any sense?

ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja Mon 28-May-18 20:05:38

I have antenatal depression currently.
I have been really surprised by the level of support offered. It seems to be highly prioritised for pregnant women. I am under the peri natal team and am in regular contact with a keyworker plus consultant.
Like you I resisted taking anti depressants because my first child was in NICU and I did not want to take any risks. I saw s mental health midwife who told me bluntly that no baby has ever gone to special care because of sertraline withdrawal and as I was suicidal, this was a much greater risk. I am now 4 weeks into taking sertraline and am seeing an improvement.
Apparently 60 women a month are referred to the mental health midwife in my city. It is a huge issue and the NHS do seem to be taking it seriously and I cannot praise highly enough the help I am getting. Please be totally honest with your midwife and GP - it is more common than you think and the help is there

niceupthedance Mon 28-May-18 20:42:03

Really glad you got to speak to someone and hope you can make a plan together thanks

PuppetOnAString Mon 28-May-18 20:57:56

I remember you. I read your posts desperately hoping you made it through (and you did!). I hope you get the help you need. flowers

cheerfullysleepless Mon 28-May-18 21:12:39

Thanks everyone / your kindness means so much. Will feed back once speak to the gp, and ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, I really hope all goes well. Thanks everyone, you’re lovely xxx

cistersofterfy Mon 28-May-18 22:24:20

Do you have a Mind near you? In some areas they're running a Mums Matter programme targeted at pregnant women or those post birth with children up to 2. Would be really worth seeing if there's something like that in your area. Even if not, charities like Mind often provide low cost counselling and peer support.

PotteringAlong Mon 28-May-18 22:28:49

Completely off the point, but I have thought about you so many times since your first pregnancy and, although I’m so sorry it’s happening again, I’m thrilled it worked out last time. Your update when your son was born was one of the few times a mumsnet post made me cry flowers

Is there any way that looking at last time might help? That rationally you know this is pregnancy talking? Or could you afford private CBT?

Canwejustrelaxnow Mon 28-May-18 22:30:58

I remember you too. I was so pleased when you had your first baby. How far along are you? Take care of yourself.

Sparklesanddiamomdsforever Tue 29-May-18 06:33:50

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and taking sertraline, it's really helped with the anxiety this time and as someone upthread said, it's benefits far outweigh any negative effects in pregnancy flowers

CollyWombles Tue 29-May-18 08:11:03

Hi OP,

It's a scary time, pregnancy. There is so little that you can control.

Your body has already been through pregnancy once and produced a healthy child. You need to trust that your body can and will do that again.

I am waiting to find out if I'm early pregnant or had an early loss. On the assumption I am early pregnant, I will continue to take sertraline throughout my pregnancy. The risk to my mental health is massively greater than the tiny risk to pregnancy. I would strongly recommend you speak to your GP about starting it.

cheerfullysleepless Tue 29-May-18 08:18:45

Thanks everyone, such good suggestions and supportive advice will look into mind when back home. I’m only 5 weeks so comedy early at mo, that’s why need to work out plan ASAP. Weirdly felt much much calmer last night and to an extent this morning... it comes in waves and I hate it! Today feel like really want to make it work if can and going to see if can get phone appt w gp this week to make referral for when I get back. Want to make it work but also don’t want to be totally irresponsible about impact on a fab little man not to mention me and everyone else if I can’t. Thank you all so much - I love mimsnet, you’re all so so kind xxxx

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