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AIBU - Family coming to stay(11 Posts)
Hi, I have tried to post this once before and can't find it so sorry if its a duplicate. I am after some advice as I don't know if I am being selfish and unreasonable.
I am 19 weeks with my first. DH I do not live in the UK but my family still do. I told my parents at 12 weeks and from that day on every conversation has been 'when shall we come over'. As a first time mum, I am still very nervous and feel it is a bit early to start making plans. They only need to book flights and there is very little difference in price whether they book 5 months in advance or 1 month.
I am actually going to the UK to visit in 2 weeks. I spoke to my parents at the weekend and when they started to ask about booking to come, I just said can we discuss this when I am there, it was very late my time and I was unwell, which they knew as it was a video call. They were both fine with that.... or so I thought.
My brother, still lives with them, told me that after the call they said to each other that I was rude and my attitude was 'out of order' for cutting them off. I know he shouldn't be telling tales, but he wanted to prepare me for the ambush I am going to walk into.
When initially discussing this, my mum wanted to come over 2 months before the baby is due. I pointed out that they can only get a 3 month tourist visa and what if the baby was late. She said this was just an extreme example and they wouldn't come that early.
My thought was that they come maybe 2 weeks before the due date. They do have friends they can stay with (their choice not mine), but would come to us once DD is here. My house is not that big and this is already stressing me out. DH has actually suggested we get a cleaner while they are here.
The problem has come from a friend of my mum's telling her she shouldn't leave it that long in case they miss the birth (this is something that happened to someone she knew in the same situation). I do not plan for them to be in the room when the baby is born anyway, so I dont understand the difference between seeing DD an hour after she is born or a day. Again, from my brother, my dad has said behind my back in anger 'if she (me) does that I'll never forgive her'.
I have lived away now for 7 years and am very used to doing things my own way. My mum has told me to be selfish in regards to this pregnancy but I am starting to feel this is actually only OK with her if it fits into her plans.
I am now dreading my trip back, as I know I am going to upset them if I stick to my guns and in my family upset just means shouting and arguing. I am also the youngest and always ignored or spoke over. My brother is on my side and will come over when I suggest (which was interestingly my dad's first reaction and he has since changed his mind) but he does not have the best relationship with them and I wonder if its just something else for them to disagree on.
I know it must be hard for them as I live away and this is their first grandchild, but I have a lot going on/ through my mind and the idea of the conversation is starting to get to me. I have had about 20 imaginary conversations in my head already, it may not even come to that and I am hoping to avoid the need to win or lose.
DH and I are hoping to go away for a pre-baby last trip about a month before but will wait and see how everything is before putting anything into plan.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice appreciated. Am I being unreasonable to say 2 weeks prior is enough?
YANBU to say what you want. Why do they need to be there before the baby is born? I’ve had three children and I certainly did not relish having guests before hand. They have no rights over you and your baby and their plan to come for months sounds intrusive given their hostile attitude towards you so far. I think when you see them you are firm about when you want people
To visit and how long for. Are they coming a particularly long way?
I’m in a similar situation. We still live in the same country but they are in north of Scotland and me in London. I genuinely find parents visiting difficult at the best of times. It’s so intense and my parents don’t get on that well with each other. I have a small place and it’s too much sometimes. One if the pitfalls of living away. If we lived nearby we could see them in small manageable chunks rather than being in each other’s hair for days on end.
I’m pregnant too and we have been avoiding the issue of them visiting and when. I’ve only got 6 weeks to go so can’t keep avoiding it forever. Tbh the last thing I want is them hanging about for weeks when I’m s new mum with no idea what I’m doing and probably highly emotional.
In my head I would like them to come st the end of oh’s paternity. Then at least they can be of help rather than just annoying me. I also don’t want them staying in my house.its really small but I think they will be cool with that. But all of this makes me feel like the ungrateful bitch from hell that is forbidding them from seeing their first grandchild. Arrrghhh!
I think it is reasonable to ask that they do consider how I will be feeling though. A new baby will be a real shock to the system and they have to be less of a priority than just workout how to keep it alive! So I think I’m going to have to tactfully tell them to come a few weeks after the birth and make sure I send them daily updates in the meantime. This doesn’t even start to solve the mil issue which is just as complicated!
My advice is try to stand strong. You have what they want to see- the gran kid. You are in charge. Good luck x
Why do they need to be there 2 weeks before your due date? What if you are 2 weeks late? Can’t they just book for 2 weeks after your due date and know they’ll get to see the baby then?
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’m in a similarish situation in that my mum moved about 200miles away from me a few years ago. I’m pregnant with my first child - her first grandchild. I know she’s struggling with being so far away from me but she decided to move away so my sympathy only extends so far. Anyway, this week she told me she wanted to move in with me for 2 weeks once my husband has gone back to work after the baby is born. Quite frankly, I’m pissed. She hasn’t asked if I want her to and I know I’ll find it suffocating having her there the whole time too. On some level she knows this too as she when telling me what she wanted to do she said she’s knows I’m really independent I’m and I’ll be wanting to figure out my baby and new role on my own - but she’s still made this offer on her terms rather than mine. If she was just popping in for an hour a day that would be very different.
I totally understand your anxiety around the situation. It’s your baby and your needs and wants should be put first.
Thanks guys, I'm glad its not just me. To be fair it is a long way for them to travel but still I don't know why the need 'to be in the country when the baby is born', they could be waiting around for weeks and I'm not going to be in any state to take them out do site see. As I say its not like they are going to be in the room for the birth so unless they want to sit in the waiting room for hours like in the movies or a sit-com I really don't see the need.
I would like to think that they are going to give me and DH a bit of time after the baby is here too but I'm starting to feel like they have their own ideas and anything I suggest different will be wrong. I just don't want this all to turn into a 'do what you want' argument.
I've also not been back home in 5 years and I really don't want this to dominate the whole trip, but I feel like its going to cast a shadow if they don't agree with what I want.
Hopefully it will all be fine and I'm getting worried about nothing, but it's hard knowing they have been talking behind my back.
Are you suitably far away that you can come up with a strange local custom that forbids visitors prior to the birth? Local doctors insist on it
OK, forget completely what they have indicated they want. What do you want? Do you want them around at all beforehand? Would you like them around for the birth/within the first week/month? Be clear in your own mind what you want and then go in with that. "Thanks so much for your support, it would be really helpful for me if you could..."
Stick to your guns. Tell them not until dh pat leave has finished. My own mother imposed herself on me and I have resented her ever since.
Honestly? Get them to come over when baby is going to be a month old. You really don't want house guests when you are heavily pregnant and just want to slob in your PJs all day.
Too late now, but i added on a couple of weeks to my due date with number 2. And "end of August" was all anyone apart from medical appointments and DH got told. He arrived on his due date in Mid Aug.....
OP are you me? I've literally had the same thing happen in my last pg. even down to the supportive brother living at home telling me what parents are saying behind my back.
I pushed back, thought about what was best for DH and I, and requested that they visit 2 weeks AFTER due date, as this was what I thought best for us. Which it was.
I was accused of all sorts. Mostly of "making it all about me" . DM really couldn't see that she was making it all about her. It was all about what SHE wanted rather than what was best for ME and my new family.
Anyway, we had a massive falling out and it really impacted our relationship. It's never been the same since, mostly because the FOG lifted and I could see more of her behaviour for what it was - emotional blackmail.
I actually feel very calm about it all now as it was her fault, not mine. She cut her own nose off to spite her face.
My advice would be to stand firm, decide what is best for you and then stick to it. If they don't like it then sod them. The fact that your brother is on side indicates that he is aware of an odd family dynamic going on.
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