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Abortion - Heart and Head!!

(124 Posts)
mads20 Sun 20-May-18 17:12:32

Hello, new to this and been debating for days on whether or not to post on a forum. I am 20 years old and just found out on Monday i am about 4/5 weeks pregnant (my clear blue said 2-3 weeks but supposedly this would be 4-5 weeks medically). This was not planned and we really tried to prevent once myself and my partner had realised a mistake had happened (we tried to get the morning after pill from 3 places all out of stock!)

Anyway, i have just been on holiday with my mum and the whole time i knew i was pregnant - i didn't feel right (sickness and dizziness) and i just "knew". My instant reaction was not happy or angry but confused - i have been with my partner for 4 years and we speak all the time about wanting children but obviously not yet! we don't live together, have no savings (we first got together when we were only 16&18 and have been enjoying our freedom as young adults) and to make matters worse i got myself into debt big time last year. luckily my parents were able to consolidate this debt and i am currently paying my dad back around 567 a month - up until june 2019!!

my boyfriends insant reaction is to get rid, we have spoken to both of our mums who say the same - it is up to us but you don't have to be a genius to know that this is the wrong time. i can't however seem to draw the same conclusion and already feel emotionally attached to this baby, the thought of terminating is something that i am really struggling to come to terms with and something that i honestly feel i will never get over. i know that everyone is trying to suggest whats best but i don't feel like anyone understands what i am going through.

the biggest issue is finance and the fact we both live at home still, i am petrified to tell my dad as i feel he would be massively disappointed but i know the only way i would stand any chance in keeping this baby is if he can lower my monthly payments on the debt... alongside this we both have cars on finance - no idea how i would get out of mine - if it wasn't for the debt management i am doing each month i would have around 700 disposable income but whats done is done and i really don't know how i would get my dad to come around to this decision.

my boyfriend also refuses to rent a property as he is strongly against it, i said to him this is the price to pay for making this mistake with me but i cannot get him on board to keep it yet let alone to move into rented accommodation.

i am really torn as i wake up everyday thinking i am strong enough to go through with the termination for the sake of this baby future but as the day goes on i know i will not be able to go through with this.

we have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss abortion, how it works and the process but i know all i will want to hear is the development of my baby and for a reason to convince my boyfriend we should keep this.

i feel like i am the only one that wants this baby and as much as my boyfriend is supportive i know he will never understand how i feel, if i go through with this abortion i don't know if i will cope sad

sorry for the mammoth post!! has anyone been in a similar situation and can provide any help/support? xx

ScrubTheDecks Sun 20-May-18 17:29:48

Sorry you are in such a difficult position.

Do you feel you are the only one holding the ‘keep it’ position? If your bf was saying ‘yes, we must have this baby!’ woild you be putting the other POV (it’s all very well for you to say that... how will we manage financially and where will we live?”.

If you miscarried, would you feel relieved, or distraught?

The people who suffer after a termination are those who didn’t want one. If you really really want this baby and cannot countenance a termination, you may need to consider that you might be doing it alone. You wouldn’t be the first young woman to manage that.

It may be that your bf falls in love with the idea, or the child when it arrives, or not. It may be that you terminate but forever resent him for not supporting you now.

Lots of soul searching with him, and I am sure counselling will help you.

Good luck, OP.

Maedoula Sun 20-May-18 17:42:24

If you feel like you don't want an abortion, then please don't be influenced by your boyfriends opinion or material things. You'll find that thins will sort themselves in such a way where you're in a comfortable position.

You can't take an abortion back, and judging by your post I'd say, keep the baby, everyone will follow eventually...

Lilly1207 Sun 20-May-18 17:56:57

Hi OP, this is just like looking back on my life (only without the debt issue).

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. Long term boyfriend wanted a termination, this was not what I wanted. We were living separately with our parents at the time. I went along to the clinic and as soon as I got into the waiting room I just knew I couldn't go through with it. I spoke with a lovely nurse who booked me in for 1 weeks time for the abortion, but this was also to give me more time to decide.

I decided that I couldn't go through with it and proceeded with my pregnancy. My son was born when I was 19 and I decided to go to uni the following September. This was the best decision I ever made and I'm now just watching the Lego movie with my 8 year old son who is my whole world in every single way. His dad stepped up for a while but then he eventually stopped seeing him. Ive come to realise that he wasn't mature enough.

Point is, if there's a shred of doubt don't go through with it because it's you, your baby and your body. This decision will impact the rest of your life.

There's always going to be difficulties and hurdles to overcome.

I know how hard this is, thinking of you thanks

MoseShrute Sun 20-May-18 18:01:34

If you were my daughter l would be advising you to terminate. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are still so young. Its absolutely not obligatory to feel guilty and traumatised after a termination. Yes, its not pleasant, but you can move on and get on with the rest of your life. You then plan parenthood for when you both want it. Sorry you are going through this though flowers

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 18:13:17

Thanks everyone for the responses so quickly, i wish i posted my message sooner smile

I know that my boyfriend is looking at things from a realistic point of view, and i am not that naive to think that this is the right time but unfortunately this has happened and i cannot see the way to resolve things .. he says he would stay with me and be supportive if i choose to keep it, but how could we have a relationship when i am forcing him into something i know he doesn't want? i don't doubt for a second that he wouldn't be involved, we both have good families and i know he would never walk away from his child whether we stayed together or not. but i will never get over the guilt of forcing him into this - on the other hand i will never get over the guilt of terminating our baby.

i forgot to mention that before this happened i had been told i might struggle to conceive due to problems i have had with high prolactin, possible pcos etc - he keeps saying we will get the chance to have a family in the future in the right way but i can't shake the feeling that this might never happen... in 4 years this is the only accident we have had, the morning after pill was out of stock and i keep thinking was this meant to be?!

everyone says things will get sorted financially but i am so scared of my dads reaction, he isn't a bad person but he expects a lot from me and i feel i will massively be letting him down - not to mention i will have to try and get them to help me lower my debt repayments.. i wonder if they will ever forgive me?

it really is touching to hear people who have been in the similar situation and i have never heard someone say they regret keeping a baby, but many say they regret the termination.

i know that my heart 100% wants this baby, i just know it isn't the right time and fear i will never get the support i need. our families are both great but i won't be able to live at home due to space and i will never be able to keep up rent on my own, how can i force my boyfriend to give up most of his wages to support a family he doesn't want? i know he is responsible for this too but he feels really strongly about this... i keep thinking when i have the scan for the abortion will seeing things change his mind? i know they don't tend to show you the scan but i feel it is my only hope of getting him on board, which deep down i know is not morally the right way of doing so....

Lilly1207 Sun 20-May-18 18:20:10

Your right, they won't show you the scan at the abortion clinic, I had one and they turned the screen away. She just said 'yes definitely pregnant and 5 weeks.'

I ended up moving out of my parents home shortly after my baby was born. There's support out there if you're on a low income, this really helped me through uni and now I have a great career and we have a lovely life.

It sounds like you're in a no win situation in all honesty. Have you been completely honest with your boyfriend about how you truly feel? This may help put it into a better perspective for him.

MagicalCreatures Sun 20-May-18 18:22:39

Hi OP
Sorry your in such a sticky situation.
This was exactly me 11 years ago.
I was 19. I was on the mini pill which failed and I was about 5 weeks by the time I even realised I was pregnant.
My parents (especially my dad) were not supportive. I think my mum would have been but she follows my dad a lot.
My boyfriend, however, wanted the baby.
I was the one that was unsure.
I had a bit of debt. Was still living at home. My boyfriend wasn’t actually the nicest person and was quite abusive. And I was even unsure about the future of the relationship.
I had just started going clubbing, made loads of new friends and found a new confidence in myself that wasn’t there before. Even booked a girly holiday.
Part of me wanted to keep it. I knew I wanted kids one day anyway and had I have had the support from my parents and others around me, I may have.
I had this image in my head of how I wanted my life to be and I expected myself to be married and have a house and then when I got pregnant, everyone would be happy for me and excited (like in the movies)
But it wasn’t like that. And I felt like the whole experience was tainted with bad feelings.
So I did go through with it.
I cried and cried and then I moved on. I broke up with the dad (who turned out to be a lot nastier then I thought and I thank god that he isn’t still connected to me in any way)
I had my girly holiday, had my clubbing years, went crazy and travelled a little.
Then I got married and I’m nearly 31 and expecting my first. Everyone was happy for me like I wanted.
But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my little baby.
I had a miscarriage 6 months ago and I blamed it on karma for what I did.
I do and I don’t regret it. I wish I had been in a better position to keep it. But I wasn’t and that was that. I’ve had a great young life and I had so much fun. But yes I always think about it.
And I was the one who was more unsure myself of having it.
You’ve already admitted that you want the baby. I truly believe if you feel like this and your this attached to your baby already, that you will regret it.
I hope nothing I’ve said has upset you. I’m trying to be as honest as I can from a different point of view. X

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 18:30:41

thank you so much for all the honest opinions...

if i was adamant on seeing it would they let me? my problem is that i do earn good money, i take home £1306 a month after tax so i wouldn't be eligible for support, the only reason i am so low each month is because of my stupid debt i rallied up!! i wonder if things would work out for the best like they have for so many mums out there... yes i have been completely honest with my boyfriend, i have begged him every night to understand and he says he does but i don't think he ever will as this baby is not in him..

Thank you for the honest post magical creatures - my friend at work had an abortion when she was 20, she then miscarried 3 years later with a planned pregnancy, is with another man now and has been ttc for 2 years and blames herself everyday for the termination... i hope you have a safe pregnancy and congratulations!

it is so difficult as i have said i would never consider abortion if i got pregnant, but now i am in the situation it is not so easy. i really cannot see the answer here - as Lilly has said, it is a no win situation. i just can't think i will ever forgive myself

user1457017537 Sun 20-May-18 18:37:06

You dad might surprise you and be supportive

Whattheactualfuckmate Sun 20-May-18 18:44:01

OP thst debt consolidation per month is massive and you could cut that right back (and cut a lot of it off if you were eligible for a IVA - look in to it.

After going through 15 years of infertility Id think seriously about not going ahead with the pregnancy

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 18:44:28

user1457017537 - i think in the end he would be, i just worry how the money will go down, my dad and his wife helped me out by paying off my debts but it tooks weeks to repair the damage. i wonder if he would let me cut down the payments.. i suppose i will never know unless i ask. it is difficult as he as always put me on a pedestal i feel i have let him down big time.. perhaps as a parent he might understand, i am just so scared

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 18:45:23

hi whattheactualfuck, what is an iva? sorry not too sure on that one...

do you mean not going through with the termination?

Lilly1207 Sun 20-May-18 18:55:15

@mads20 I'm not sure if they would let you see, I didn't ask.

I think you know what you want to do you're just scared of the aftermath.

Like PP said, your dad might be really supportive, it sounds like you have a good family and I'm sure they'd be there for you now, just as they have been in the past.

Are you going to see your GP on your own? That might be helpful x

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 18:58:09

Lilly, thanks - i am meeting the gp tomorrow so can ask then i suppose.. i think you might be right - either way its what will come next i am scared of... i am taking my boyfriend with me as i want him to be aware of everything, sometimes i think he is a bit naive to what is going to happen and i thought we need to both get the facts. my family are supportive, but this is a big bombshell to drop i want to make my decision before sharing as i already know (or think) what they will say..x

Liberation1 Sun 20-May-18 18:58:12

This was me when I was 20. Had been with my boyfriend for 4/5 years, didn't live together, in fact we still lived at home with our parents. He was adamant he didn't want it, I was in two minds.

In the end I went through with an abortion and honestly it was hard at the time. I remember trying to "fall" off the bed the night before onto my back because I was scared of the termination. sad

I went alone to the clinic. My boyfriend didn't acknowledge it (we split a few months later) and it was hard.

I felt guilt for years after, even though a few short years later I met my (now ex) dh and has two dc.

When I look back now though with an older mind I think it was definitely the best decision and I no longer feel that guilt.

If I had kept that baby I would probably be living with my mum in financial hardship and would no way have been able to support the child emotionally and financially in the way I can with my dc I had with my ex dh. My then boyfriend wouldn't have stuck around or would have been way too immature to be a proper father.

I bump into him from time to time and have to say he's still quite immature even now with no kids.

That was my story anyway and I will say if you do decide to end the pregnancy, the guilt you may feel won't necessarily last a lifetime and you can still choose to have a family later on if you so wish.

Thewhale2903 Sun 20-May-18 19:00:42

This probably won't be of much good to you but when I was younger (17) I fell pregnant lived with my parents, father wanting nothing to do with it. I kept my baby even although my parents were so disappointed and I was embarrassed and scared, I just knew I could never go through with a termination. My friend also fell pregnant at 17 after I had gave birth to my son, she decided she couldn't have the baby and went ahead with a termination, I went with her to support her because no one else knew. I don't regret having my son in any way, he will be 10 soon and I love him so much, my life worked out fine I have a partner another child (4) and we have our own house. I lived myself for a long tome with my son but never regretted my decision. My parents also got over it and love my son probably more than me now (my dad wanted to chuck my out their hous). I know for a fact my friend regrets her decision. She now has 2 children and is married but she has told me she regrets it to this day. Sorry if that doesn't help as your situation isn't great but somehow if you want to keep the baby you will make it work.
Nearly 600 pounds a month, I'm sure you could cut that back.
Let us now what you decide

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 19:01:05

@liberation1 thanks for sharing your story, it gives me hope if i do go through with it... i don't worry about the immaturity, i think the only thing holding us back is money and the living situation which makes things worse as i know we would both be good parents (besides the money)... I'm glad things worked out for the best for you and really appreciate your story. did you find the procedure difficult? was it an op or pill? sorry if you don't wish to share x

Liberation1 Sun 20-May-18 19:09:40

Being honest here I've had two. The second one was only 3 years ago from failed contraception with a very nasty abusive/violent man I got mixed up with. I found out straight away because my body has very obvious early pregnancy signs for me and I was very emotionally unattached and went to the gp/clinic straight away with no doubt whatsoever because I would never have wanted to be tied to that man in a million years.

That one was a pill, so I had to put one "inside"'me at the clinic then once home had to swollow another pill. I had tummy cramps and bleeding and by morning it was all over.

The one when I was younger was an op where I was put out via a general and woke up with it all done. I had to eat some sandwiches before I left the clinic and I walked home. So i don't remember any of the op apart from waking up. To be honest I was so young I probably didn't fully understand the procedure anyway sad

Thewhale2903 Sun 20-May-18 19:14:20

Of course your parents will forgive you. Imagine you have the baby and it grows up and gets pregnant at 20 will you forgive your child? Also you would be surprised what you could fit into your parents house for a while until you get sorted. I had my son's cot I a tiny box room with my bed and other furniture.
This is not your fault either and like you say you might not get the chance again if you have been told you might struggle to conceive. Also the termination could add to your struggles.

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 19:15:26

the whale - thank you so much for sharing both of these stories i so so wish i will end up in a similar situation to you and feel so terrible for your friend, this is how i imagine i will feel...

it is difficult as i know i want this baby, is it selfish to force my boyfriend into fatherhood and bring a baby up when i am not financially ready to do so?

liberation, thanks for sharing both of these. sorry for what you have been through - i am scared if i take the pill i will see the embryo come out? i can't find much about this online..x

mads20 Sun 20-May-18 19:18:03

thewhale, i know what you are saying is right... i just wonder how long things will take to fall into place. i so wish me and my partner could move out but he doesn't want to rent, surely if i 100% go ahead with keeping the baby he will change his mind? but perhaps i need to be prepared that he won't.. my mums house is a 3 bedroom semi and my room has not got the space for any cot, my dad and boyfriend with his family both live in 5 bedroom detached houses with multiple reception rooms, bfs mum has already said no to living there and my dad has an 8 and 13 year old i would feel awful to expect to live there but what choice do i have? sad

StarofBethlehem2018 Sun 20-May-18 19:19:46

Given your feelings I'd say you absolutely should NOT have an abortion.

Please don't do it.

FASH84 Sun 20-May-18 19:21:45

I can't offer you advice just some experience. I was also told I'd have trouble conceiving, PCOS quite severe symptoms high prolactin levels etc. I'm 33 I've been kicking myself that I kept putting it off, I was so adamant I wanted an education, my career, to own a home and be married, I never ever wanted to do it alone, I've seen school friends do it and they are amazing and strong and their kids are beautiful but I wanted the whole family unit, unfortunately for five of the girls in my group at school they had kids under 22 and none of them are still with the fathers. I have all of those things i wanted but I started to worry after coming off the pill in January I had one period and then nothing. This was not unusual for me throughout my life, one or two a year sometimes. I took the pill for a long time to manage my symptoms rather than as contraception and I began to think I'd left it too late and I would have to come to terms with it just being me and DH. Except it wasn't my cycles playing up, despite all the odds I'm pregnant and fell within six weeks of coming off the pill with no concerted effort, I was just letting my body adjust after all those years of synthetic hormones. Only you can make your choice but please don't feel added pressure because of your condition. I've since discovered a number of friends and colleagues suffer with the same and have kids, apparently it's about 25%. Good luck when you're making your choice, as I said even the friends whose relationships didn't pan out, and the couple who had kids younger than you, are brilliant mums and their kids are lovely, I also know women who've had abortions and they are amazing strong capable women too, and most have gone on to have children.

Loulabelle25 Sun 20-May-18 19:23:11

I found myself in a somewhat similar situation to although I was 25. I wasn’t sure what to do; he immediately wanted to terminate for a variety of very sensible reasons. Ultimately, we decided to terminate and whilst I was very upset during the process of making the decision and going through with it (hormones weren’t helping with that), I was able to very quickly move on. My then boyfriend is my now husband, we own a house together and now I’m 23 weeks pregnant with what will be our first child.

Just know that whatever discussion you make everything will work out ok in the end. If you continue with the pregnancy you will find a way to make it work. I knew we’d have made good parents back then just as you feel like you will. However, If you terminate it doesn’t have to be an awful black cloud that hangs over you head forever. Sometimes I look back and wonder what might have been but it’s fleeting and not tinged with sadness. Some women may struggle to move on but many more don’t. In my friendship circle, 3 of us had terminations in our twenties and we all moved on quickly without it becoming a life defining moment.

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