Pregnant? See how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy with the Mumsnet Pregnancy Calendar.
20 weeks pregnant and getting the silent treatment(27 Posts)
I’m hoping I can get some feedback on my current situation.
Just some background info; when I was growing up I had an awful relationship with my mother; she was extremely emotionally abusive and strict which was not proportionate to my age; from 12 onwards never letting me out after school (even for dinner round friends or sleepovers at the weekend). From the moment I got home from school, until it was time to go back to school, I was expected to stay in my room. If friends mums called to ask if I could go on birthday events (days out bowling, swimming, ice skating etc) my mum was rude and would tell them no and put the phone down. In fact, it became a sort of running joke amongst my school friends of how rude and scary my mum was. My friend knew I didn’t have a tv and when I was 14 gave me her old one which I hid under my bed, and I came home from school one day to find the TV on top of the bin outside with the wires cut, just sitting there in plain view. I think my mum gave me the silent treatment for a week after that.
I also came home once and she was in my room, reading my diary and she made me sit on my bed and read me excerpts from it whilst I cried and asked her to stop. As I grew a little older (16 ish), friends got abit braver and I remember one knocking on the front door one weekend and mum opened it, they asked if I was in and she slammed the door in their face. I honestly look back at that period of my life and think she bullied me for fun because she was bored. I was a really quiet, shy kid, not naughty in the least (not that I had much of a chance!). I have an older brother and much younger sister and neither were treated the same way.
As I progressed to my late teens, I became very distant to my mum and was hardly around her. I started seeing my now husband at age 24 and around this time my brother had his first serious girlfriend (now wife). Mum completely altered her behaviour when either/both partners were around. Acting like a sweet, almost dappy old woman. However, she still makes little underhand remarks and says little sly comments to me when she can.
For the past 3-4 years I’ve wanted to confront mum about her past behaviour but haven’t.
Anyway, I met with mum and sister this weekend and ended up finally saying how I’ve felt about the situation.
What started the confrontation was mum made some comment about how rude I was (I’d had enough and was just matching her rude comments back to her, as she kept making digs about my pregnancy weight). She said that my brother and sister aren’t ever rude to her and I said well maybe its because of how she treated me in childhood (yes I know that sounds ridiculously childish but that’s the thing; sometimes she brings that out).
I said since I’ve become pregnant I’m really conscious of how bad she parented me and I don’t want to repeat that pattern. I also want to know why she was so cruel and gave her examples. She literally just said “well if that’s how you feel” over and over and kept trying to physically walk away. I was like, hold on I want to have this conversation I need to know why you treated me like that and then she just walked off like a child without saying anything else.
I haven’t heard from her since, despite having our 20 weeks scan on Monday…she knew we were going to find out gender so expected a call and apology (don’t know why) but nothing.
Now I know I will get the silent treatment for a good few months, but I’m sick of it. I’m starting to wonder whether this relationship is worth it and can’t stand how she’s ironically using the same treatment as when I was younger.
On my scan on Monday it found my uterine artery Doppler results were abnormal. The sonographer explained the best thing I can do is not stress out about anything and I’m now going to have further scans to check babies growth at 28 and 36 weeks.
I really don’t want to stoop to my mothers levels and call her as I know she’ll blame this on me “being hormonal” and this issue will never get resolved. I don’t even know if I really care about speaking with her again, but I just feel really guilty and can’t stop thinking about it. I’m angry with my mum 1.) because of how shitty a mother she was when I was younger, but 2.) how she’s now handling this and somehow thinks its acceptable to “punish” me with silent treatment yet again at this stage of my life.
Just wondering if anyone had any experience of dealing with a “difficult” mother during pregnancy or otherwise or has any advice as to how to proceed? I don’t feel I’m in the wrong here but am feeling stressed at the prospect I wont be invited to family BBQs or meals out with family over the summer, and I don’t want my child to not have grandparents….
My darling get yourself over the stately homes thread cut and paste in there
Why do you feel your dc would benefit from having a gm like her? You are struggling with your childhood. Don't inflict misery on your dc.
I am nc with my dm as she showed to be no better a dgm than she was a dm.
Honestly op you will never figure highly in her estimations. Concentrate on your own life and enjoy your dc stress free.
She is not “difficult”, she is abusive and cruel. Do not expect an apology because I doubt she will recognise her behaviour, it’s gone for too long, she would have to revisit her whole life if she did that.
I think being a Mum will now wake up lots of feelings in you. As it has happened being pregnant, when you first hold your baby, when you first see baby smile etc... you will ask yourself how could my mum treat me like she did? And you will feel sadness and anger and have lots of questions.
I can only advise you seek therapy to manage this emotions and help you in your own and different journey into motherhood.
I wouldn’t expect any help from your mum and would advise some distance (at least emotionally) so that she doesn’t have a chance to affect you enjoying being a mum.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
She sounds like an awful mother so will probably be an awful grandmother too. You need to take care of yourself and avoid unnecessary stress so avoiding her for now sounds like that is best for your health. Do you get on ok with your brother and SIL and sister? Just have get togethers with them so you have some family support.
Wow, so sorry for your horrible childhood.
She was very cruel and abusive to you.
Personally, I would go NC - permanently. She has done nothing to earn any place in your life, and it sounds as if she still treats you the same way.
Don't let her do to your child what she did to you.
Congrats on your pregnancy, hope it all goes well.
You poor thing. I really think the only way you will ever process these feelings is to discuss it with a therapist who will help you understand your mother’s behaviour is not normal and it’s okay to feel the way you do. I know you want an explanation and acknowledgment but I doubt you will ever get. My DH has a poor excuse for a mother as well, though not to the degree you’ve been treated and she acts like nothing went on in his childhood. Every now and then she does something horrible to him, and if he dare challanges her, she does the cold treatment and he has to be the one to go to her. So now he keeps his distance. I think you need to see your mother for who she truley is and keep your distance from her and her sickness.
I would not give this woman another thought or have contact with her again, she sounds vile.
She isn't difficult. She's abusive. Go NC now and protect your child from her. No grandparents is better than abusive ones.
Is your DH supportive?
I don’t know why you have anything to do with her. As soon as you were old enough you should have run and never looked back. She sounds evil.
I have had a difficult relationship with my DM but what your describing is much more then difficult. You deserve SO much better. By what I've read, you seem to be longing to be loved by your DM but she seems nothing but an evil woman. For your own mental wellbeing I would seriously go NC and distance yourself from her. You don't need her and you need you to concentrate on your own family now! I wish I could give you a hug OP. She is the one missing out, not you!
You can't change what she did to you as a child. But you can change what she does to YOUR children. Stay well away, don't let her have unsupervised contact with them - or you.
She's a viscous nasty piece of work - bully seems too light considering she did this your whole childhood - probably some stupid reason .... let her stew and don't give her any more of you to damage
She sounds remarkably similar to my mum who is an utter nightmare and a specialist at the silent treatment. She's not spoken to me since she yelled at me for buying her a Christmas present (go figure) which means she doesn't actually know I'm pregnant.
This is my second DC (I have a DD,8) and having a child really helped me to think about what behaviour I was willing to accept and what I was willing to expose my child to. As a result I have pretty strict boundaries (hence making no effort to contact her as the present nonsense upset DD) as I have to ensure she doesn't get to damage my DD like she damaged me. It's something to think about when you're deciding how to proceed.
Your mum sounds incredibly emotionally abusive.
You absolutely do not need that kind of negativity in your life and it is up to HER as the grown ass woman she is to apologise for her appalling behaviour.
She’s only cutting her nose off to spite her face by acting this way, and that’s her issue not yours.
You don’t want to expose your child to this toxic woman. Have nothing more to do with her.
To be blunt...she’s treated you appallingly and sounds like a dreadful human being. You don’t need to allow her to continue to hurt you like this. Take strength from your DH and new baby. Horrid people have no place in your life and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. She’s a bitch!!
Good luck with your pregnancy OP x
I am sorry but she sounds like an awful woman and you have been treated terribly both in your childhood and now and you didn't deserve to be treated in that way at all.
She really doesn't deserve to have any part in your babies life, or yours and I wonder if you would feel better without her in it.
However at the end of the day she is your Mum and I understand it's much easier for me to say these things and much harder for you to do in reality.
Have you ever considered seeing someone for some counselling? I really think you would benefit from this.
Have nothing more to do with her. What does she bring to your life other than tension and misery?
Your mother is cruel and abusive. The silent treatment is part of her control over you.
Cut contact with her.
wow thanks so much for responding on this and the comments to talk to a professional have really hit home. I've find someone and will start that up next week; I think this would be massively helpful.
Its very difficult to completely envision cutting all ties with mum though as my whole family is connected, as in I will affect other peoples relationships and probably mess the balance up. But then maybe I'm overthinking that! my sister supports me 100% but she "doesn't want to get involved" and I haven't spoken to my brother about this recently.
My husband can see mum puts on a front around other people and will point out comments she's said that seem odd, he thinks it would be good to speak to someone too really..
Well done for seeking out someone to talk to; I really hope it helps.
In terms of messing up the balance or affecting others if you chose to cut her out in the nicest possible was that's not your problem; it's hers for causing this in the first place. Prioritise yourself and what you and your family need, don't worry about others, things will work itself out and they will find a way to remain in contact with all of you if they care about you.
I think whether you go NC or not, you have to accept certain things (that are really difficult to accept) emotionally, and some kind of counselling might help. Things like:
- she was and is a bad mother to you
- she won't change
- you can't have ever have the relationship with her that you want (loving mother - daughter)
- you can't have the grandmother to your children that you want
- she may have been a good (or different kind of) mother to your siblings and have the relationship with them that you can't
- she will never be sorry or even admit fault
- in fact she will probably expect you to accept blame, and in future to be grateful and look after her
- the injustice of it all will never go away or be addressed
- she won't give you the answers that you want, she probably doesn't even have them
None of the above is your fault nor can you change it. I think acceptance that is the key to finding a measure of peace. But confronting these unhappy truths on a regular basis can still be painful which is why many people would choose to go NC. It is possible to NC your mother and still see the rest of your family but some of their loyalties may disappoint you, so it's a risk. The other option is to physically attend events where she is present but to shut yourself off from her, never say or listen to anything meaningful from her again.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.