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Struggling a bit with guilt over DC1

(48 Posts)
toasterstrudle Mon 12-Mar-18 00:35:47

Struggling with emotions today. DS is 8 months on Friday and I'm 6 weeks pregnant. We had planned a short age gap, there's only 17 months between me and DB and we're very close, but I didn't expect to fall straight away based on last time TTC (I know this was stupid). We will have a 15 month age gap and I'm just all over the place emotionally right now.

I was excited at first, but now DS just seems so young. I can't help feeling like I'm cutting his babyhood short and feeling so so guilty. He's at such a lovely age I can't help feeling like I wish it was going to be just the three of us for a little bit longer. Is feeling guilty normal or is it just that DS is still so little? Urgh.

I saw there was a very similar thread posted but didn't want to hijack as a decision had been made there.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 12-Mar-18 00:47:47

You are in no way whatsoever "cutting his babyhood short". Just because he'll have a sibling doesn't mean you'll be telling him to get a job and move out, does it?

You're giving him a companion, a playmate, a sparring partner... Someone to share his babyhood and childhood. Someone he can talk to forever about his very earliest memories - long after you and his Dad are gone.

There are just 21 months between my brother and I and we are SO close.

There are 4.5 years between my kids, and they are not.

TwinkleStars15 Mon 12-Mar-18 15:58:34

If that was my thread you can go ahead and gatecrash it by all means! I wouldn’t mind in the slightest.
I know exactly how you feel, it’s an awful feeling and I still feel it now, even though we’ve made the decision to go ahead. It really wasn’t an easy decision to make. I’m already panicking that my milk is drying up and if it does I don’t think I’d ever get over the guilt. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat xx

toasterstrudle Tue 13-Mar-18 10:00:48

@WhatsGoingOnEh - thank you! That was actually such a fab no-nonsense message. You're so right, you can't predict how close siblings will be anyway so I know I'm being a bit mad!

@TwinkleStars15 - it was yours! How are you feeling? I was really excited at first, albeit a bit nervous, and then the guilt snuck in a couple of days ago and I was seriously rethinking everything. I was having a real wobble/ anxiety crisis when I posted. I think I'm now ready to move forward and start to get excited again, it's so hard when you feel guilty! We actually have now moved on to bottles so at least that's one thing, but sometimes I look at DS and think he's so little. Although apparently we might avoid them feeling unsettled at the beginning since they don't remember any different so fingers crossed.

PetraRabbit Tue 13-Mar-18 14:54:09

I have a baby about your son's age and will have a 16 month gap. Mine was also planned (didn't expect to get pregnant first month trying at 42). I can relate to what you're saying but I'm fixating on two things: their memories are so short at that age that by the time the newborn is a month or so the older baby won't remember life as an only child at all. And age gaps of less than a year and a half are apparently very good for avoiding jealousy. I don't know how old you are or your fertility history but I would also say that if you've ever worried about not being able to give your child a sibling at all, it's easier to accept less than perfect age gaps. They will have each other and that is really just the greatest blessing as they get older.

TwinkleStars15 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:10:25

On a practical note, will you be buying a double buggy? And another car seat? And cot? I’m wondering if DD will be old enough for the next size up car seat so baby can have this one, and whether she can go to a toddler bed once baby gets to 6 months so no need to buy another cot? Argh it’s so confusing!

Unihorn Tue 13-Mar-18 15:14:18

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and preparing for a 16-17 month age gap. I still feel guilty. I've felt guilty throughout my pregnancy and in no way prepared. I've only just started getting baby things ready for number 2 and feeling awful about that as I feel like I'm going to be a shit mum to number 2. Everyone assures me it's normal to have these feelings and that watching them grow up together will make it worth it... I'm still trying to convince myself!

Practicality wise we just relented and bought a double buggy after saying we wouldn't (gone for the Mountain Buggy Duet as it's narrow). DD1 outgrew her carseat at 9 months so we're using that for DD2. We'll put DD2 in he next to me until she's about 7 months, and then DD1 will be 2ish and plan on assessing the cot/bed situation then!

toasterstrudle Tue 13-Mar-18 18:50:33

@PetraRabbit that was a lovely post and such a good point. I'm only 29 and have really just taken my fertility for granted. There also is no such thing as a perfect age gap. Also congratulations!

@Unihorn congratulations to you too. And thanks for the practical advice, especially re sleeping - that's what I was thinking!

@TwinkleStars15 our pram is an Icandy so we're going to buy the double converter kit. Although I'm actually not going to borrow with the carrycot converted - I'm going to just do sling and pushchair for the first few months then do the double pushchair combo. I can only imagine the faff that's going to be, fingers crossed this one isn't twins!!  Will be doing the same as @Unihorn re beds - next to me crib until 5/6 months then reassess whether DS is ready for a bed or whether it'll be a new cot! I'm also thinking of using DS's car seat for the new one and getting DS a bigger car seat for 12 months+ What are you thinking of doing?

Lovely to hear of other people about to embark on the same madness too!!

Prusik Tue 13-Mar-18 19:01:56

I have a 12 month age gap (was going to be 13 months but ds2 had other ideas). Ds2 is now 8 weeks old and the way my first son looks at him is just incredible. The first thing my eldest does in the morning is go over to the baby to smile at him and stroke his tummy. He pays him when he cries and strokes his back to wind him.

I dreaded having ds2 for most of my pregnancy, I'm not going to lie but seeing my boys together now I have zero regrets.

It's also not as hard as I thought it would be.

user1485778793 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:36:55

There's 10 months between me and my brother. I'm older. I've never thought my mum cut my babyhood short or held it against her in anyway. It never bothered me or him at all. We even managed to get in the same school year. I was born in October and he was born in August. People always assumed we were twins.

user1485778793 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:43:10

One of my first memories is going to visit my baby brother in hospital when he was born. I don't remember being an only child or care about when it was just me. I'm close to my brother. There is 7 years between my niece and nephew and the older one is not interested in him at all.

AC14MUZ Tue 13-Mar-18 20:45:07

I have a 13 month age gap between my two boys. My DS2 is 7 weeks old and I had very similar feelings to you when I found out I was pregnant. It will soon pass though and my DS1, even though he is only 1 is such a loving older brother, it really is wonderful to watch them together. He is always going over to the baby and kissing him or trying to put his blanket over him. Having a short age gap has its challenges but your children will be so close!

Try and enjoy your pregnancy and your little one as much as you can, you'll be fine, you sound like a lovely caring mum so your children will do just fine flowers

noname687328 Tue 13-Mar-18 20:51:04

20 months between my boys and I still feel guilt now, totally unprecedented because my younger son has actually given my eldest so much confidence, they love playing together and are best of friends (fight a lot too!!!) and I've just added a third into the mix and they both adore her. I think no matter what we do as parents we'll feel guilt. It just shows we care xx

pastabest Tue 13-Mar-18 20:57:12

I posted on twinkles thread too but I will have the same age gap when DC2 is born in a few weeks.

They change so much between 8 months and 15 months. My DC 1 is only 14 months old now but already she is a fully walking toddler and understands really basic stuff like 'no, stop, go to daddy, come here' etc.

We are in a good routine, she's sleeping through the night, she's pretty much weaned (just milk at bedtime now) and honestly it feels like she's ready for a playmate and to not have mummy and daddy's full attention allllllll the time.

It helps that we have had a few friends and family with new babies recently and she's been lovely with them, she also very much looks like a great big toddler next to them and it helps put into perspective that we will have a toddler and a newborn and not two babies.

Prusik Tue 13-Mar-18 21:43:59

@AC14MUZ sounds like we have the same age gap. How are you finding things?

Op, I think you'll be fine. I commented on this thread earlier. Just wanted to say that we went to the library earlier - ds1 kicked off because he wanted to climb in the book box. Then ds2 started crying. We just cut the trip short and came home for lunch and a nap. It was absolutely fine, not ideal but not a problem. Key is to keep the pressure off, take it easy and stay organised.

Lilonetwo Tue 13-Mar-18 21:56:49

I am joining this thread as I am enjoying reading the positive stories of having two DC close in age smile

I am due next month with a 16 month age gap and to be honest I am petrified about how tough I am going to find it. But now I have read all these lovely stories about siblings being so close, it sounds like it will (hopefully) all be worth the hard work smile

Loosemoose28 Tue 13-Mar-18 22:48:01

Both me and OH have siblings very close together. I am 12 months between me and brother. And OH is 11months between him and brother and then 11months later a moosister. His brother has 3 babies with that same gap too grin

I can’t imagine it another way both had really lovely childhoods with close siblings to support each other and run riot with haha.

My OH has already suggested a years age gap grin

Loosemoose28 Tue 13-Mar-18 22:50:11

As a mummy I imagine it must be tough and slightly chaotic but as kids it was amazing.

Both our mum described it as you just give life over to the mum life and accept a messy home is a house full

Loosemoose28 Tue 13-Mar-18 22:50:34


Loosemoose28 Tue 13-Mar-18 22:52:11

Oh give up phone keeps freezing.

Basically both our mums loved it and the house got a bit messy but th

ferriswheel Tue 13-Mar-18 22:55:19

Omg. There are 33 minths from start to finish between my 3 babies and a year exactly between my youngest 2. My eldest was still 2 when i was pregnant with my 3rd. Honestly, it was hard til i threw out their father but they are mostly great friends and it gets easier every day.

Youll all be fine, congratulations!

AC14MUZ Wed 14-Mar-18 09:19:35

@Prusik it's actually not as bad as I was anticipating, some tough moments throughout the day but as long as I have things to keep my DS1 busy it's ok! We go to play groups and to the park etc and DS2 is still at he stage where he is happy nodding off whilst I'm pushing him around in the pram. DH works really long hours but helps out lots at the weekend, I even get a lie in!

How are you managing?

Prusik Wed 14-Mar-18 09:38:54

Ds1 isn't walking yet so that's a bit annoying. It'll be really nice in the spring when we can get to the park or the woods. It's all ok though. Like you, we go to playgroups. Ds2 is a real velcro baby so won't go in the pram but happily sleeps on me during ds1's naps so i just grab a cuppa and get to put my feet up for X2 90 minute naps (or have a snooze). So i guess like you really, much easier than i thought. It frustrates me when ds2 is crying while I deal with ds1 but that's only really for making lunch or changing nappies, I'm able to play with ds1 and hold baby at all other times

toasterstrudle Wed 14-Mar-18 22:32:28

There are some really lovely stories here and some great tips!! Thank you so much everyone thanks

toasterstrudle Wed 14-Mar-18 22:33:44

Also @ferriswheel wow!! I was one of three relatively close together and absolutely loved it growing up, bet it's hard work for you though!

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