Hi Mumsnetters,
Don't really know why I'm writing this to be honest, I think I just feel a little confused and let down (possibly) by my first encounter with a consultant.
Back story -
In May last year my partner and I lost our little boy Edward at 38+2, he was sadly stillborn. We decided against a post mortem as we didn't like the thought of our son being poked and prodded. We were happy for the placenta to be analysed and for both myself and my DP to be tested for whatever they thought necessary.
Anyway, nothing much was found, the only thing to note was that the placenta was far smaller than they would have expected and it was assumed that this was the cause of Edward's death as it could no longer support him any more.
We were advised that any future pregnancies would be monitored by a consultant and midwife, I'd have many more scans and watched very closely, etc.
Fast forward to today, I have just returned from my first consultant appointment - I am currently 14+5 weeks pregnant with our second child.
The lady I saw was not the person I was told I would be seeing, (this didn't transpire until later) she was a registrar working under the consultant. I wouldn't have minded this, however when I asked her whether I would see her for my next appointments she replied:
"No, I'm not Miss DrYouShouldHaveSeen. You will most likely see someone different each time."
Now the thought of this fills me with great dread (although this particular woman was awful), having to repeat my circumstances over and over is pretty distressing when you've lost your child.
I was (rightly or wrongly) under the impression that I would see the same consultant throughout, at least for continuity of care(?!)
We sat down, she started flicking through my pregnancy booklet.
"So, why are you here? Ah, you had a baby last year at 38 weeks, is that why you're here?"
I looked at her a little gobsmacked, especially since it is written all over my notes that our baby was stillborn.
I replied, "Yes, but he was stillborn. That's why I'm here."
She muttered under her breath; "oh, sorry".
Insensitive to say the least.
I asked the consultant if the placenta would be measured this time (I was told on multiple occasions by various medical professionals that this would be the case after we lost Edward).
Her response:
"No. It's impossible to do that."
At this point I started to cry. I asked her how they would know that the same wasn't happening this time - obviously I'm super paranoid that something terrible will happen with this pregnancy.
She gave me a crumpled hard hand towel to wipe my face, (luckily I was prepared with my own tissues).
She said that I would have more scans this time and they would monitor the growth of the baby, etc. Her response made me feel as though I was being an inconvenience, firstly for crying and secondly for asking a question.
We talked about scans, starting at 28 weeks. I asked her if I would have any more between now and 20 weeks (I have had two reassurance scans earlier on in the pregnancy, just for my peace of mind more than anything). Her reply:
"No. This is it." nothing like "it depends how you feel" or "If you're worried we can fit you in".
She asked if she could listen to the baby with the doppler. I said "Yes please, I've been really worried as it's such a long wait to see someone between the 12 and 20 week scans. It's really quite scary not knowing if everything is ok." (In reality I've been afraid for the last week that something terrible has happened to this baby too). She didn't bother replying.
I did have more questions but she made me feel that uncomfortable I didn't bother asking them. I figured I'd just wait until the next appointment and hopefully I'd get someone nicer.
Long story and rant... I guess I just expected something a little different? I thought that perhaps the consultant would be a bit more understanding or have some compassion.
She didn't even say goodbye to me as I left.
All I know is that I now feel worse than before.
Not once did she ask how I was during the appointment. Even if she had I don't think she would have given a shit.
The "mental health and wellbeing discussed" box in my notes was obviously left un-ticked.
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Pregnancy
Pregnancy after loss - Consultant , not what I expected... Feeling let down
JennyRMorris · 20/02/2018 17:52
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your experience and the tragic loss of your child 
I have experienced several medical professionals on this pregnancy journey who appear to need a compassion transplant. I have had to make a complaint about a midwife (I have not had any losses but I am anxious about it, and he was patronising, dismissive and utterly flippant about the possibility of losing the pregnancy, telling me with a condescending smile that I just needed to accept that baby could die at any moment). I've also had two snappy and "business-like" sonographers who were fine in circumstances where it was good news, but I remarked to my DH that they would be the last people from whom I would want to hear bad news.
I don't know whether it's that these people deal with babies every day such that they just don't care about each individual baby, but I have been surprised at the poor bedside manner, I would have thought it was especially crucial in this sphere of medicine. If they don't care, it would be nice if they pretended to! It's so hard being pregnant and anxious about the precious bundle you are carrying only to be treated so coldly by medical professionals. Perhaps you could specifically ask not to see this woman again and hope the others are nicer?
I'm sorry for your loss.
Most 1st world countries offer a 3rd trimester scan at which only the placenta is really looked at - you should definitely be getting scans of the placenta starting at the beginning of the 3rd trimester.
I moved from the UK to Germany during my second pregnancy and my obstetrician could not believe the NHS care I told him about and called it third world. It's from the start of the 3rd trimester that monitoring placental function becomes essential. It does sound as if you will probably get those, but your registrar sounds clueless and lacking humanity.
Good luck!
I’m sorry for your loss and going through such a distressing experience.
I went through pregnancy after loss last year. The reason for the loss at 21 weeks was an issue with my cervix that was likely to reoccur in any future pregnancy and the consultant indicated that there were measures that would be taken to prevent another loss, which gave me the confidence to try again. However once I was pregnant, I really had to fight my corner. Most HCPs that I encountered were very blasé about the problem reoccurring, and I went to my GP with high levels of anxiety because I was not being taken seriously and her letter to the consultant kick started a better level of care. I have also been in a situation when I was called into a room with a registrar working under the consultant, but said I would wait to see the consultant himself (I knew he was there for the same clinic).
I was referred to maternity mental health services and saw them early in my pregnancy - then they made a follow up appointment for 32 weeks, which was ludicrous given my concerns were around premature birth! As it happened my anxiety radar was right and the problem reoccurred, and I gave birth at 24 weeks (DD is now home, happy and healthy).
I was given false reassurance throughout my pregnancy, but had to take control during my pregnancy and escalate as needed. I got the direct phone/email of the consultants secretary somehow, and that helped with getting answers to questions.
I was also referred to a specialist unit for monitoring and the advantage was a dedicated midwife. Now she was one of the biggest causes of my anxiety as she clearly didn’t believe that it was anything other than bad luck that caused my loss - however as the pregnancy progressed and the consultant agreed a care plan, I turned her into an ally for getting the extra scans that I needed.
My local SANDS has a pregnancy after loss group, if there is one in your area, I highly recommend them for support.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also a member of a local SANDS group after my daughter died shortly after birth and I agree that finding one and asking for further advice on there might be beneficial.
Do complain via PALs and ask for continuity of care and everything else that you are looking for. I really hope you are able to get the proper support you need and everything goes smoothly for you in this pregnancy.
You could be describing the Doctor I saw at my first consultant appointment in my second pregnancy. Our first daughter died due to a cluster of things, placenta issues, infection and a chromosome issue that meant we had the undergo genetic testing to see if it came from us (it didn't). She was born at 20 weeks.
Like yourself, we didn't see our consultant at first, we saw the registrar and she was just awful. She hadn't read any of our notes so we had to explain why we were there, I had questions that were just dismissed out of hand, she kept on forgetting that I had been pregnant before, I asked for a special sticker that I knew the hospital did to be put on my file so that staff would know this was a pregnancy after loss and she wouldn't do it as my loss was before 24 weeks, she was just awful. No bedside manner at all. I left the appointment that was supposed to be for reassurance in pieces.
What we found invaluable for us was our bereavement midwife. I told her what happened and she fixed all of it, the rest of my appointments were with my actual consultant, I had regular scans throughout and was offered extra monitoring toward the end. I got the sticker and she made sure that the Dr in question was informed what the stickers were actually for. She came to important scans, visited me at home, even came to the meeting to schedule my c section and took me on a tour of the theatre. She was a star. Do you have access to anything like that service?
I am so very sorry for your loss. 
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