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Pregnant and not getting along with my mum

(5 Posts)
LaurG Tue 06-Feb-18 18:35:35

I have been vying relationship issues with my mum for a long time now. Its a very long story. The deterioration of our relationship started when both her and my Dad retired. They have a very dysfunction relationship and I think she is extremely unhappy. She never says this but instead lashes out at him, me and my brother. Most of her unhapppieeness takes the form of passive aggression and viral sniping. Being around her is like walking on eggshells. You never know what what will piss her off.

She will have a go at you for something that isn't what she is actually annoyed at - a minor thing like missing a call from her. It quite clear that this is not what she is actually angry at but if you ask her what is wrong she says 'nothing.' It is very unpleasant to be around.

This culminated in a huge fight between us at Xmas. Things were said on both sides that should have cleared the air. She said that she feels cut out of my life (I live 600 miles from her) and that I've consistently hurt her feelings over the years. When I asked her why she felt these things she refused to tell me how I had hurt her or why she felt left out. So it is very difficult for me to apologise when Im not sure what I am apologising for. However, I acknowledged that she feels this way and if she is mor open with me I can try to accommodate her more,

I told her that I thought she was extremely unhappy and that she had become very difficult. This makes visiting hard and unenjoyable.. Hard to hear but she is literally tearing our family apart with her moods.

Anyway, a week after the fight I found out I was pregnant and temporarily we were ok again. This hasn't continued. Despite my request that she stops the passive aggression and tells me when she is upset the behaviour has continued. I have tried really hard to include her in my pregnancy. She was the first person we told. Ive told her when all my appointments are, called her immediately after each one. I've confided my fears in her. However, all is not well. The last few telephone conversations we have had have ended up with me in floods of tears. She will end them with some snipe about this or that. Last week I just got one word answers and the silent treatment.

It is really upsetting me and its not good for me or the baby. If I ask her what is wrong she just says 'nothing', I emailed her to ask if she was OK after the silent treatment phone call and she has not responded.

I am at my wits end. As I said Im pregnant so I can't afford to go and see her. UI asked here her but she said 'She couldt imagine that I would want to spend any of my with her so why was I bothering to ask.' She won't speak to me over the phone about it and she won't email. What am I to do?

I can't take the punishment.

Any help most appreciated.

LX

ClareB83 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:56:12

Stop trying. You're the only one being a grown up and communicating. You've tried. She hasn't. So it's time to stop trying.

Take the extra time and energy and spend it on yourself and the people in your life who treat you well.

Remain cordial, update her via your dad and rise above the drama.

InappropriateUsername Tue 06-Feb-18 20:19:52

ClareB83 is spot on with advice. Your Mum needs to change and that's on her to do. Clearly she is not motivated even when told she is hurting her kids. There is nothing you can do but there is a kid on the way that will need you to focus on and look after them.

KimmySchmidt1 Tue 06-Feb-18 20:25:29

It may be that this all stems from her feeling abandoned by you living so far away (particularly if you live somewhere ‘nicer’ and she feels left behind/unhappy with her own decision about where to live her life. It may be that realising she will very rarely be able to see her grandchild due to the distance is making it all rather bittersweet for her.

That’s not an excuse but it might be what’s behind her difficult behaviour. She obviously isn’t very good with her feelings but then have you been honest with her when she has upset you?

Ultimately you can’t keep bending over backwards so maybe just take a step back and wait for her to contact you.

Diana2018 Wed 07-Feb-18 08:02:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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