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Can't get my head around it

(22 Posts)
Changedmynameo Tue 23-Jan-18 12:28:30

Just feel shit really. All of a sudden being forced to realise I don't have much time left before my baby arrives and just don't know how il function. I have a 2 year old, this baby is to the same dad but he's done one so it's just me, alone with 2 children.
I have a nice life with my current only child and worry about things like not loving this one as much. I feel guilty like I'm betraying my daughter by giving up our one on one relationship.
Our bedtime routine is put DC1 in bed, hold hands until asleep. How will I do that with a newborn? How will i leave the house, with 2 babies in tow? How will I take the bin out with them both? Sounds silly but it's a serious question, I currently do it when DC1 is in bed at night, I can't leave a newborn in the house alone? How will I see to DC1 if she wakes in the night? What if DC2 cries while I'm seeing to DC1. I don't want to leave DC1 because the baby needs me. How will I make her breakfast when i have a newborn to see to?
I just have the overwhelming feeling of "it's too hard, I don't want to have to do it" and then the immense guilt that comes with this feeling. If I could go back in time I would probably terminate, but it's too late now. I know I'm a horrible person so please don't tell me. I just don't know what to do

dont suggest I speak to a GP or MW or councillor as i won't

Afreshcuppateaplease Tue 23-Jan-18 12:32:06

Op you can do this

What is your lay out re the bin? Can you not just keep it near the back door?

Perhaps start a new bedtime routine now your dd is getting such a big girl

Let her help with baby make her feel important

Is she a big 2 or a small 2?
When is baby due?

Changedmynameo Tue 23-Jan-18 12:39:12

The wheelie bin lives a 10 second walk from the road that it gets collected from. Doors lock automatically behind me if shut and i just have nightmares of me forgetting my keys and the door being shut and the babies being locked in the house.
She's JUST turned 2 and only just cracked the bedtime routine. She's very good at it but it still means me being in with her for as little as 2 mins but as much as 20 sometimes. I think if I took the baby in with me that would be a distraction and she wouldn't settle. I don't want to now practice laying her down and leaving the room because
1- she has always been VERY bad at that and me sitting next to her is the closest I've ever got to 'leaving her to it' because of the meltdowns otherwise
2- I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made this far

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Tue 23-Jan-18 12:40:01

Get a sling. That way you can keep DC2 close but still be hands free for DC1 and other tasks you might need to do (such as the bin). Newborn babies mostly feed and sleep, you’ll still be able to have special time with DC2, it might just mean shuffling your routine around a bit.

What is your support network like? Have you got friends or family who will chip in?

Changedmynameo Tue 23-Jan-18 12:40:30

I have a month before this baby is due but fear it'll be sooner

Changedmynameo Tue 23-Jan-18 12:41:36

I have family that will visit/help during the day. But at best 2/3 days a week and not after school pick up time so it will be just me the majority of the time

Glassofcoldwater Tue 23-Jan-18 12:43:46

can you make a spare key and leave it with a neighbour? or put one of those key code boxes in front of your door with a spare key inside?

AnythingNotEverything Tue 23-Jan-18 12:51:15

I think this panic is really normal - honestly, you'll manage, you just will. You'll drop the odd ball, your standards might slip, but you'll manage, I promise.

SnowGoArea Tue 23-Jan-18 12:51:32

Big handhold flowers

Everyone I know who has been pregnant with a second worried about how they could possibly love it as much as the first, and whether it would spoil life for the first. It just doesn't though. Somehow, you love the second in just the same way. I didn't think it was possible to, but was so surprised when that love came even more easily than it did for the first. I think having watched one baby already grow into a proper person provided an extra level of wonder and love about the fact that this second tiny thing was going to do the same.

I wasn't a single mum but I was alone for many of the nights with a baby and a toddler who needed a lot of attention at nighttime. I found I could breastfeed the baby whilst sitting on the edge of the toddlers bed and singing/handholding. I also kept the Moses basket in the toddlers room overnight, with cot in my room, so there was somewhere to put the baby down if I had to take her with me. If she stayed asleep where she was then I just took the baby monitor handset so I'd hear if she woke. I had a monitor for each room too (in fact that will let you take the bins out. Do you have a double buggy?)

There were one or two low points of ending up with 2 unhappy kids in bed with me and wondering what on earth to do, but it was once or twice ever. The Fear of what it could be was way worse that reality, and that was with two that both woke a lot!

You sound so sad though sad. I do think speaking casually to your midwife would be good. Is there a particular thing holding you back from doing so?

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Tue 23-Jan-18 12:51:39

When you’re feeling down and anxious, little things become a really big deal and are really hard to let go of, I completely understand that. Why are you against speaking to the GP or Midwife? It sounds like you could do with the support. Have you considered contacting Home Start? (https://www.home-start.org.uk) They are a charity who provide families with a volunteer who can offer emotional or practical support depending on what you want, up until your youngest is 5 if you need it. You could also see what is available at your local children’s centre - there will be groups for mums, parenting courses etc. which could help improve your confidence and help you to make like-minded friends.

Afreshcuppateaplease Tue 23-Jan-18 12:52:08

Is it not possible to keep the bin at your door?

Yes to having a spare key somewhere

Honestly regardless of how many parents are there the arrival of a newborn often disrupts another childs routine

mummmyj Tue 23-Jan-18 12:53:50

Don't worry so much, you will find your own ways and make it work for you, you sound like a fantastic mum and girls are great at getting involved with babies, my son is brilliant with his little sister. Things like bins and things can wait anyway for your partner to come home😀 you will be fine and good luck😀 x

Afreshcuppateaplease Tue 23-Jan-18 12:54:59

Her partner isnt coming home ...

SnowGoArea Tue 23-Jan-18 12:55:28

Also, a CD player set up in the toddlers room to play gentle stories/music in case you have a night when the baby is not settling and you need toddler to wait a few mins happily.

Toasttea Tue 23-Jan-18 13:13:02

Do you have any support from family? Friends?

bettydraper31 Tue 23-Jan-18 13:16:57

Everyone I know who has been pregnant with a second worried about how they could possibly love it as much as the first, and whether it would spoil life for the first. It just doesn't though. Somehow, you love the second in just the same way. I didn't think it was possible to, but was so surprised when that love came even more easily than it did for the first. I think having watched one baby already grow into a proper person provided an extra level of wonder and love about the fact that this second tiny thing was going to do the same

This is so lovely and heartwarming! Currently pg with #2 so this is lovely xx

Foggymist Tue 23-Jan-18 14:24:30

Definitely get a sling. When I'm doing bedtime with my 2 year old because my husband is at work I just bring baby with me, there's no option. Ds1 is in a cot and I sit with ds2 in the chair beside the cot, he's only 9 weeks old so he stays pretty quiet. I'm not gonna lie, nighttime on my with both is rough if the toddler needs me, if the baby wakes it wakes him, if I've to get up the ds1 that usually wakes ds2, and ds1 is the most terrible sleeper, always has been. But you will find your own ways of working it, like baby in the sling for the bin thing?

Changedmynameo Tue 23-Jan-18 14:34:15

Thanks everyone.
Definitely need a sling. Does anyone have any recommendations?
Il put a set of keys outside, that will put my mind at rest! The monitor to put the bins out is a really good idea, I hadn't thought of that. DD broke our THIS MORNING! What brilliant timing but atleast I know that's a good one and can just reorder a new one il take the money out of her piggy bank (completely joking).
I think I'd prefer the monitor for bin as opposed to sling as it's cold atm and would be nicer to run outside for 30 seconds than the pain of getting baby in and out of the sling and Out in the cold.
foggy you sound like you have the same set up as me, DD is in a cot and I have a rocking chair next to her so that's my plan.
It's helping just to be able to talk about it

WildlifeMag Tue 23-Jan-18 14:44:06

I’m not a single parent but I have exactly the same concerns as you. It’s totally normal and you are not a bad person. I think things will be chaotic for the first few weeks (probably no escaping that) and then you’ll find your routine.

sazzleevans Tue 23-Jan-18 14:51:35

You will be fine! I had twins and then another almost straight after. Seriously its not that difficult so don't panic and it becomes easier when they start to play together makes your life much easier as they have a mate to play with.

Chienrouge Tue 23-Jan-18 14:59:50

I’m not a single parent so I know it’s not the same at all but I had a 20 month gap between mine and my DH worked away Mon-Fri for the first 6 months of DD2’s life (and no family nearby at all).
I had exactly the same concerns. I even got myself worked up about things like how I’d get them both downstairs in the morning when we got up (DD1 was crap at getting herself downstairs). DD1 was still waking 3-4 times a night when DD2 was born and needed to be read to sleep. I just couldn’t fathom how I was going to do it.
We managed. It wasn’t always easy, but it was never as hard as I anticipated. We had to change our routines, and sometimes we didn’t make it out the house (then got cabin fever because we were stuck inside!). I used a sling for DD2 who, to make things even more difficult, was a complete Velcro baby and couldn’t be put down. I used the close Caboo, and it was a life saver. The first 6 months were a bit of a blur but we managed!

Foggymist Tue 23-Jan-18 16:32:33

Ds1 actually asks me to bring ds2 doing bedtime, I tried leaving him in the sitting room with my mum when she was visiting once and was ordering to "bring baby"! He sometimes like to stroke ds2's head while he's falling asleep, makes my life easy! So you never know, things might not be as difficult in reality as they seem beforehand.

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