Terrible despair and can't stop crying - 26 weeks pregnant

[SilentSpring79]

Hi everyone, sorry to burden the forum with this but I really am not coping. I'm 26 weeks pregnant, in a very volatile situation (the father and I were not together when I found out and it was very touch an go about continuing with the pregnancy as he suffers from serious mental health issues and we had split up for the simple reason that he did not make me happy). But at 38 I couldn't bring myself to have a termination, and he promised to do everything in his power to be happier so can support me better. The 2nd trimester was ok, but nearing the end of it I am in a terrible state, so depressed and can't stop crying - and just see this baby as this horrifying thing I can't stop, that will bind me in life to someone who is not right for me. I don't have parents of my own (my mother died when I was young and my father has a serious neurological condition and needs 24/7 care) and whilst I do have some supportive friends, they are either coming from solid relationships who are a lot more positive about having children, or single friends who feel me with envy and panic that I should never have allowed this to happen. The father is having serious depressive episodes, and self-medicating with various things, and I am having to be concerned and panicked about him and I have no time to worry about myself. I can't sleep much, stay awake hours on end full of fear about the future - fear of terrible guilt that I am going to destroy this child's life and just a desperate wish to speak to my mum or make this all go away. I know this sounds pathetic but I'm writing this in floods of tears (how I wake up most mornings) and trying not to wake the father, as I know he will just wake up depressed himself and the double whammy of it is all too much. I've spoken to a mental health nurse (who is visiting regularly) who is trying to convince me to take sertraline, but I simply can't cope with the guilt that this could well lead to ASD issues in later life for the child, and whilst I am on low income (and due his depression the father is unemployed) I can't really afford private but the waiting lists for NHS are at least 8 weeks, and its all so hard and I don't know what to do and I'm terrified. Has anyone else had this experience or can offer any thoughts. I just feel like its a nightmare I cannot wake up from and feel almost suicidal at points. This is not the man I want to be with, but doing this alone would be financially impossible (for complicated reasons I can't get any benefits as I am named on the deeds of my family's old house and a mortgage to pay for my dads care which are enormous- so I am not due any housing benefits or anything like that - just basic mat pay as a freelancer for the first 30 weeks or whatever)

[brogueish]

I know others with good advice will be along shortly. I don't have any answers - but offering a hand hold. So sorry you're feeling like this, it sounds tough.

[gamerchick]

You need to separate the baby from your relationship you don’t have to stay with this person. I would hazard a guess the future would seem a lot brighter if you’re not around a depressed unemployed bloke all the time who self medicates.

[rubbleonthedoubl]

I just want to say that I had similar in my pregnancy. I cried everyday on the phone to my mum, felt suicidal and full of regret. My partner was useless, worked 12 hours a day, was taking drugs (because he was depressed and scared) I felt like my world was about to end once I give birth.
I held of on meds until my child was born for the same reasons but now I'm on them and don't regret taking them!
I just want to say that your not alone. You will feel like this isn't normal but I want to reassure you it is. Not everyone has this "ideal" world to bring a child up in. Once my baby was born I finally had something to live for like it all clicked into place.
The hormones died down about 2 weeks after birth and I started to feel a bit more like myself. I know it doesn't work like that for everyone but there is so much help out there to get you back on your feet. Pregnancy is not a bed of roses, I wish someone had prepared me!
Your fighting a battle everyday and you will get there eventually. Stay strong x

[rubbleonthedoubl]

Also you need to ask your partner to leave so you can have some time to think about your future and your baby. Being a single mum is hard but easier than being in a bad relationship. Trust me :)

[JackietheBackie]

You sound so upset and sad. There should be help for you. I am not sure where you live but is there anyway you could get yourself to A&E, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. Alternatively you could contact the hospital where you are booked and see if there is a specialist team or midwife who can support you through your pregnancy. Lots of women take sertraline during their pregnancy. You have a lot on your plate, the medication for you is far more important than a potential theoretical risk in the future.

[Bibonks]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've found it really helpful to call or text the Samaritans when I've been feeling overwhelmed - Freephone 116 123, or text 07725 90 90 90.
I totally understand that you're apprehensive about taking the Sertraline, but if you're feeling this awful I think the benefits outweigh the risks. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your baby.
I also agree with gamerchick that you don't need to be bound to this man.

[SilentSpring79]

Thanks everyone. Financially its very tricky as I wouldn't be able to rent on my own as I am not able to get any housing benefits so how on earth that would work in London (where I need to be for work) with its obscene costs on my meagre freelancers salary (and not being able to afford child care anyway or it would cancel itself out)? Modern life is rubbish. I will speak to the MNH again next week about the meds, but I know myself and that anxiety and built around taking them would overwhelm me. It was also useful to at least get it down in writing. I am going to shell out for private therapy session on friday and I will consider the other options (Samaritans). I can only hope that somehow the hormones will click into place one the baby is born, I am hoping and praying. I even considered walking into a church the other day. For a staunch ex-catholic that is saying something of how desperate I must be feeling. i am trying to see the dark humour in this. But mainly, failing.

[SilentSpring79]

(I should add that it is his place, not mine, so asking him to leave is not an option!)