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Not wanting to host a friend long term while pregnant.... selfish?(27 Posts)
Hi fellow Mumsnetters,
DH and I are planning to conceive next month. Yesterday a couple of good friends came to visit from abroad. They told us they are planning to relocate to the UK this year and asked if we can host them until they decide where to live/find a new accommodation.
Now, despite being good friends, they are a complete nightmare to live with. Super messy, chaotic, very different lifestyle (musicians etc), and I just can't bring myself to promise a long term arrangement (couple of months and more) if I am planning to try for a baby. Tomorrow I am seeing them and I have decided to settle on 2 weeks max. Is this selfish do you think?
It's totally up to you who you open your home to and for how long. That decision doesn't make you selfish.
However I'd be wary of putting things on hold just because you might be pregnant if you see what I mean? I've read enough here and known enough friends to know that sometimes it can take longer than you expect.
I wouldn't host them at all, period, pregnancy or no pregnancy. If you want to move to another country you should budget enough money for temporary accommodation when you get there. If they're nightmares on top of that, no thank you, that won't be possible.
Also, try not to be fixed on the idea that you will be pregnant immediately. Maybe you will be, maybe it will take a year, but don't plan the next year around the idea that you WILL be pregnant.
I wouldn't have them at all. I know, I know. I am mean. But I've had-too many times in my life- the whole, "We'll be out in 2 weeks," promise only to still have my unwanted guests sticking around months later.
I think you need to draw a line in the sand now, hard as that will be. You won't regret it the way you would if they showed up for weeks, perhaps months on end. Realistically, no one just slides on into a relocation and gets things sorted in two weeks. So to be fair on them and on yourself, I'd untangle myself from this now so your friends have a chance to find long-term accommodation from the get-go. And you don't have the stress of having to host them.
What happens if you say two weeks, comes to stay and refuse to go after the two weeks? It's got disaster written all over it and bound to affect your friendship. Just refuse and say you are unable to accomodate at this time.
If they don't have jobs to go to then 2 weeks is going to turn into a lot longer - they will struggle to rent anywhere with no job or credit history. I wouldn't hesitate to say no to this, I can be as selfish as I like when it's my house.
Many thanks everyone for your messages, I feel a lot better now.
I know it might take a while to conceive, but if I can eliminate the extra stress, that is a plus for sure!
I'm 27. Fit and healthy. Regular cycle like clockwork. Husband is same age and equally fit and healthy as I am.
It took us nearly 2 years of trying before we concieved our baby boy (due in April woo!)
If it doesn't happen right away, don't stress. I thought for months there was something wrong with one of us. There wasn't. These things can take time.
Also, I wouldn't have house guests for longer than a weekend!! No way José!!!!!
No way would I ever do this again. We 'hosted' friends for supposedly 10-14 days and it turned into 8 weeks of them swanning around, expecting to be waited on hand, foot and finger whilst I worked a 50 hour week. When they eventually left in a huff they gave me a box of Dairybox chocoles and we've never heard from them since.
Don't do it.
Never, ever host guests without a very fixed end date.
You are being practical not selfish.
“Sorry no. I value our friendship and it won’t survive us living together!”
My SIL always says 'fish and guests smell after 3 days'. These are wise words!
I would politely decline. They should take a short term rental really.
Don't do it OP! They are asking a lot and even if you say two weeks only it will drift on and be longer. Whether you are ttc, pregnant or neither you don't need the stress. Particularly since they are obviously not the easiest guests, they must know this and I am surprised they asked really.
You are absolutely not being U to object. An open-ended arrangement like that could go on for ages, and have you increasingly stressed while TTC - hardly ideal.
Even if you weren't, I think it's cheeky to ask. Maybe a week, or other short, very clearly defined period, would be OK, but weeks on end, maybe turning into months, no way.
If you really don't want to give an outright no, perhaps you could offer a few days or a week - 'Just until you find somewhere to rent. But I'm afraid that any longer wouldn't work for us.'
That is, if you were confident that they'd actually leave at the end of it. Some people's cheeky-fuckery knows no bounds.
I don't think I would agree to that situation even if I wasn't planning to get pregnant. It would be different for a few weeks if they are really good friends and you love having them around and they slot easily into your life. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Pregnant or not, I wouldn't be up for that. Maybe offer to give them a place to stay for a few days before they settle into rented accomodation, but make sure they have an exit date before you agree to anything. Otherwise, I would just be honest and say things are too stressful right now (you don't have to say why) and you just can't, but you'd be happy to help in any other way, going to look at places on their behalf, serving as a character reference, doing any errands before they arrive, etc.
Don't do it. I agreed to let my DP's best friend stay in our spare room for a few days/a week or two when he moved back to the town, until he found a room to rent. I really liked the guy but it didn't end well. In fact it ended with the police roving him at 2am while he screamed drunken abuse at us for daring to lock the front door after midnight and not cutting him his own key so he could come in whenever he fancied (same happened with the next mate who put him up after us too!) .
Tensions become magnified out of all proportion when you are under the same roof. Especially when you're pregnant or TTC, you don't need the potential stress.
Your planned pregnancy is neither here nor there in this scenario. It sounds like you couldnt' host them as they have requested anyway, so tell them that!
Roomba - I wouldn't like staying somewhere (as an adult) where they wouldn't give me a key and were happy to lock me out either!
I don’t think the pregnancy is relevant here because a) you aren’t pregnant and b) they are asking too much even if you’re not. Just tell them you’re not in a position to put them up.
Also without wanting to piss on your flames, please try not to get your hopes up about falling pregnant as soon as you start ttc. Of course it’s possible and happens to plenty of people, but there is a flip side and it can be a rough road if you’re hoping for instant results and you don’t get them. I mean that in a nice way, so apologies if it’s come across as a bit blunt. Xx
Thank you all so much for the advice.
Yes I know I shouldn't hope for instant results TTC, I am 34 as well. But as the friends' "moving in" plan is all so vague and they haven't told us WHEN in 2018 they are planning to come (possible towards the end), I had to factor that in as a possibility.....
Anyway, I am going to tell them today, wish me luck xx
I would say don't host them at all. They can't 'tell' you when they want to come and they shouldn't be planning their return dates unless they can support themselves when they step off the plane. They should have a hotel booked.
As for 'while they decide where they live' they sound flaky and a bit of a nightmare.
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