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Missed miscarriage - the emotional side

(6 Posts)
StargazyDrifter Thu 11-Jan-18 23:58:34

I have recently found out that I had had a missed miscarriage over Christmas - the pregnancy stopped growing at around 6 weeks. I am, I think, as prepared as I'll ever be for what is to come shortly in physical terms. There are lots of resources on that and the NHS have been excellent. However the emotional side of things is less clear. I do not feel the need to name the lost child or plant a tree as some websites suggest. I have been more interested in medical facts and statistics, in looking forward. Of course I feel sad, frustrated after a long time TTC and anxious about whether DH and I will get to be parents. But there is no huge drama or floods of tears. I can't help wondering whether I am somehow doing this all wrong and whether it might catch up with me later. Would be immensely grateful for any thoughts or similar experiences. Thank you in advance.

Nesskimo Fri 12-Jan-18 00:49:03

Hello StargazyDrifter🙂I suffered a missed miscarriage in 2016. My husband and I only learned of this during our first scan; our baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks. We were devastated, but like yourself, we didn’t want a ceremony, or feel the need to have any kind of counselling. We just kept going and we’re there for each other. I’m vegetarian and opposed to animal testing so I decided not to have any medial management and let nature take it’s course. After a couple of weeks I needed to go to hospital because the miscarriage couldn’t complete fully, and the contractions I experienced were because the opening was too small to pass the remains. I did weep a few times during those weeks, and physically it was unpleasant but I can honestly say the experience made me stronger. Within 3 and half months I fell pregnant again and we now have a beautiful 6 month old son. I dare say this’s it will be little comfort to you now, but maybe it will give you some hope for the future. Stay strong xx

mindutopia Fri 12-Jan-18 09:35:04

Hang in there and be gentle on yourself. There is no one right way to do it. Likely how you'll feel will change as time passes and there will be things that make you sad, but also you'll find ways of healing as well.

I had a missed mc in March/April. Found out at 8 week private scan that baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks. I knew instantly what was happening as I was certain of my dates (I'd gotten an early BFP 5 weeks before, so there was no way I was on 5 weeks pregnant). I was upset at the time and in shock, but I also sort of knew. I just knew something didn't feel right. I have an older daughter so had been pregnant once before and that pregnancy never felt right or real to me, even though very much planned and wanted. A couple more NHS scans later and it was confirmed.

I was upset and I cried at that first scan, but I'm not sure I really cried much after that. My way of coping was to focus on what needed to be done. Everyone deals with things differently. I'm very task oriented. I wanted to get things prepared. I wanted to understand the medical details and to make lists of what needed to be done, what help I needed from my dh, questions I had, etc. That was just my way of coping (it's my way of coping with many things in life, frankly). I waited 6 weeks for a natural mc and when it didn't happen (and I really needed to think about going back to work), I opted to have a d&c. Personally, I think that was the right choice for me (and it's something to consider, I felt very in control and supported and everyone was really lovely).

But I never really mourned that baby. It wasn't a baby for me. It wasn't my baby anyway. I believe things happen for a reason and that baby just wasn't meant to come to me and that's okay. Like you, I never felt the urge to name it or remember it in anyway. I have friends who lost babies around the same time who have felt that way and their babies have names and memorials, etc. But that would have been more traumatising for me, not healing in any way. I wanted to focus on the future and focus on what was next.

The only thing I did do is that maybe about 6 weeks later we were on holiday and at the beach. It was a rocky, pebbly beach and my daughter and I were walking along throwing pebbles in the sea. I picked one up and sat down with it and thought about that pregnancy and really cried. It was one of the only times I was really emotional about it. I held that stone and thought about it all and then when I was ready, I stood up and threw it into the sea and let it all go. I found out about 2 weeks later that I was pregnant again. I would have gotten pregnant pretty much that day or shortly thereafter. I think finally letting go and feeling at peace with everything and healing in my own way helped to make that possible. I'm 35 weeks pregnant now with that baby. I felt like this was my baby from the start. It was just completely different. It's been very healing.

I've actually cried and mourned a bit more for that loss now that I'm pregnant than I did when I was going through it. Not because I'm sad about that baby that never was, but because it's just been part of me accepting that if that never happened, then I wouldn't have this baby. So it's come in waves and it sneaks up on you sometimes. But it's perfectly okay to not feel too upset or not cry loads or want to do certain things to remember your loss. You may find your own ways to grieve later or you may just get on with things and look to the future. Everyone's different and that's totally okay. There's no one right way. Just take care of yourself and go gentle with yourself right now. (flowers]

StargazyDrifter Sat 13-Jan-18 14:08:35

Thank you, Nesskimo and mindutopia for your kind and thoughtful replies. Really comforting hearing about your experiences, that there is light at the end of the tunnel and no set path. You both sound so strong reflecting on it.

Funnily enough I did pick up a smooth black rock on a beach last weekend and had a bit of a think. Something about being close to water maybe. The plan is to try again asap, procedure booked for next week. It's been at least 3 weeks since it stopped growing and no natural miscarriage yet.

One bizarre consequence of all this is that my skin has been peeling quite a lot, yet I've not seen any sun for months! Strange.

Thank you again and hugs to you both. smile

DaddysGirl36 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:42:39

I had a missed miscarriage in Summer 2016. I didn't find out until the 12 week scan. The baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks and I had no symptoms other than bad back pain one evening which I think was a sign. It was absolutely devastating. Mine ended naturally and it was utterly horrific but I just battled through the best I could.

I grieved for a long time, mainly each month when my period came as I was desperate to fall pregnant again. I found TTC so much harder because I was wondering how I had fallen pregnant so quickly the first time but then nothing was happening. I felt a lot of guilt and hatred towards my body, I therefore decided to lose weight and try to be healthier and in 2017 I tried to do something fun every month to keep a focus on something other than TTC i.e. weekends away, time with friends etc

We got pregnant again in Summer 2017 and I'm now 7 months pregnant and so happy. I will never forget that experience though.

My advice would be to deal with things the way you want to, there is no right or wrong way and don't put too much pressure on falling pregnant again as it nearly destroyed me, esp reading the internet which made it sound like most people fell straight away (some saying women were most fertile after a pregnancy). I was so hurt and angry and confused with it all. A New Year and a more positive attitude helped me a lot.

I wish you lots of love and comfort at this sad and testing time

StargazyDrifter Sat 13-Jan-18 19:12:30

Thank you for sharing your story and for your encouragement @DaddysGirl36, and many congratulations! My boss told me yesterday that women are more likely to fall pregnant after a MC but there seems to be no scientific basis for this at all so I will tread carefully.

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