Dad going away...(17 Posts)
This might be a bit random for the pregnancy topic but wasn't sure where to put it...
I'm 6 weeks pregnant with my first. I have endometrial which I believe makes the chances of miscarriage higher etc. My OH is now supposed to be going on a work trip to Australia in February. It'll mean I'll be roundly 14/15 weeks pregnant I think. I'm really upset about it!
I lost my mum when I was younger and am an only child. My OH will be away while my dad is on holiday and we moved to a new area to be closer to his kids but means I don't really have many friends here. Last time he was away it was horrendous because with work we can hardly speak the whole time and while I know some couples spend lots of time apart due to work, we aren't one of them.
I'm getting really upset that he's choosing to go... What if something happens when he's gone? He'll be on the other side of the world and I don't have anyone. I just get so cripplingly lonely when he goes and really depressed by it. Plus we have a puppy who literally cannot be left AT ALL which'll make logistics of everything really difficult and obviously restricts me more...
Am I crazy to feel like this?
This is exactly the sort of thing that makes me anxious too BUT it's also the sort of thing where I tell myself to stop being so silly and pull myself together!
How long is he actually going to be gone for? You say it's a work trip and I'm sure he could get out of it, but shouldn't he really go? Once you are 14/15 weeks along you are much, much less likely to have a miscarriage. Can you manage the loneliness - have a friend to stay? Buy a box set?!
Dh went to Australia for a wedding for just over a week when I was about 25 weeks pregnant. I made sure I had lots of food in, plenty of dvds to watch, went to work, had quiet evenings.
If it's a work trip, I would imagine he would be able to cancel at short notice if there was an actual reason to do so.
If it's part of his work then surely he has to go, and will continue going away throughout pregnancy and your child's life. Save requests for him to be home for sound the birth
My OH works away during the week and is home one day a week, so 4 days a month. It’s really frustrating right now even though it’s never bothered me before (currently 17 week). I’d just let him go, you won’t be very far along yet not early enough for things to go wrong. It’s a very safe time as far as safe times go when pregnant. I’m going to ask him to take time off when baby is born and also ask for him to be put in a closer office just for a short amount of time, he works in central London but we live up north
I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you need to get a grip. You're worrying about something that may never happen. Your DH needs to work, and you need to develop your coping strategies. Whatever happens, you will deal with it.
I miscarried my first pregnancy around 15 years ago. My DH was hundreds of miles away, on another continent, and I was in a strange city where I knew no-one. No family around, and no friends. It was truly horrible, and I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, but in those dark days, I discovered the kindness of strangers as well as my own inner strength. I got through it because I had to.
Being a parent is full of challenges and curve balls, and there is always something to worry about. But whatever happens, you will cope with it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think now is a good time to deal with this stuff. Realistically, you will be on your own a lot with a baby with a tremendous amount of responsibility and you can't always expect your partner to be around. Also, once baby is here, it's hard for you to do things together anymore, so often if there is a family event or wedding (so many of which are child free these days), one of you is going to need to go and the other stays home. It's a good reason to get used to it. When I was 16 weeks, I was the one traveling with this pregnancy (though only a short flight away). With my first, between 7-10 weeks I was away on the other side of the world completely by myself. If I'd had a mc (have had 1), I would have been totally alone in a foreign country. When I actually had a mc, my dh was away at a wedding in another country the week before. I have a few friends here, but my family also lives on the other side of the world, so no family at all in the UK. But life happens and you have to deal with it and get on.
As for your dog, sort that out before baby comes. It's unfair on you and on your child to live in a home with a dog that can't be left alone. And what seems logistically tough now will be even more logistically tough once baby arrives.
Being a parent means putting your big girl pants on, so now's a good time to do it. You'll probably manage much better than you think you will.
I agree with Biscuit. My husband went to Canada for 9 weeks when I was 5 weeks pregnant so literally found out a few days before he left.
It was shit, but sometimes life throws you things you have no control over. how long is he going for OP? X
OK thanks everyone. Maybe just exhausted from the insomnia and a bit emotional atm. Will 'get a grip', 'put my big girl pants on' and all the other phrases that have been used.
The dog is just a puppy so it will get better, but takes time and won't be fixed by Feb, was only trying to explain that it makes it extra hard atm for me to do anything like go for dinner after work or something.
I spend time going to things alone as he already has children so it's not like I expect him to be there every second, just personally find not even being able to speak to him except for 10 minutes at the end of a day hard. I obviously haven't said he can't go or anything, was just anxious about it.
You'll be ok OP. Life does have to go on despite pregnancies and good and bad situations.
Sounds like you’re going to find it tough but manageable. Good for you. It does sound really hard and you’re entitled to feel down about it, I’d’ve been miserable in that position!
If appropriate, get your OH to let his boss know he’s leaving a pregnant partner (due to his dedication to the job, etc) - might help avoid messing around with dates and/or when it comes to negotiating paternity leave...
Practical notes - having a pet sitter lined up might be an idea if you haven’t already (look on local Facebook groups, or there are a couple of organisations they register with, or just search for “dog sitter” and your area then meet a couple & find someone you’re comfortable giving your keys to). Just means if something did go badly wrong (which is really unlikely at that stage as PPs have said) you know you could e.g. go into hospital for a night without worrying about the puppy. And as you have then got cover lined up, might also be worth joining something like a pregnancy yoga group - get out of the house one night a week, talk to other pregnant women etc.
And make sure you’re given a truly epic amount of chocolate from duty free when your OH gets back!
@Lise07 maybe some of these comments did come across as harsh, but I don’t think they were meant to be. Lots of men (and women, but for this conversation just talking about the men) work away, and have to leave expectant mothers, new mothers and other mothers alone. I don’t know if you’re OH regularly works away, I doubt it given what you’ve said, but people just have to deal with these things because it’s a pretty normal part of life for a lot of people. Like I said I see OH 4 days a month and I know it feels so lonely when you’re pregnant and want to share this time with the person who helped create the life - but they’re out working their job making money for the life you created. I’d not put pressure on him to not attend work because he may need to take time off when baby is born meaning work will be a lot more supportive if he isn’t cancelling business trips just to keep you company. You’re pregnant but you’re also an adult.
You’ll honestly be fine, it’s just the hormones making you more emotional which sometimes make us feel very dependant and vulnerable - but you’re stronger than the lies the hormones are telling you!
If it’s for work, your OH isn’t really choosing to go, he has to I guess? Unfortunately that’s just life isn’t it.
I have endometriosis and other issues and had twins 15 months ago - I had to be by myself around that stage for a week or two and honestly it was no big deal. I had awful fatigue at that point and mostly spent the time sleeping! Risk of mc drops significantly after 12 weeks, even with endometriosis and my medical team were in no way concerned about endo affecting my pregnancy, it barely even came up. Hang in there.
Your dog will be a brilliant companion, why not do some dog training, meet some lovely people and dogs. You will also meet nice people when you walk it.
Sorry OP it does sound tough, but agree with the other posters that it's something you're just going to have to deal with.
I have had 3 miscarriages, all early, and my DH was away when I was 6-8 weeks, then 10-13 weeks pregnant (and again every couple of weeks ever since, now 23 weeks). There was a real risk that I would miscarry during that time because of my history, and even now I still worry, but it's his career so doesn't have a choice. Also, ultimately, whether he's around or not doesn't really change things to the outcome of a pregnancy (obviously good to have support I appreciate).
Anyway, I well know what it's like to e anxious in the early stages. You will also be v hormonal right now and probably feeling ill which is affecting your judgment. By the time he goes away you will have had your 12 week scan, your symptoms will have improved and you will hopefully be enjoying your pregnancy a lot more. You will be fine. I don't think you can ask him not to go so you will have to be.
Try to look on the bright side, better he goes away this early on rather than when you're more heavily pregnant and will need more support or about to pop!
When I was 16 weeks pregnant DH went on a once in a lifetime business trip. Between the two of us - I am the globe trotting career woman - DH is a home person.
So that one single "exception" work trip + pregnancy hormones made me come and post on Mumsnet that I am beside myself with missing him and that I "miss his sweet, sweet face so very much".
Mumsnet handed my arse to me on a plate with utter kindness. I think of that moment in my life with utter shock. His fucking "sweet sweet face?!" Those must have been some crazy hormones!
Anyway. 2 years on - said baby is snoring upstairs, DH is down the road getting chips and I'm back from a long work trip and all is good.
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