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Newly pregnant and not excited!

(21 Posts)
FE1984 Wed 29-Nov-17 09:54:33

I know this sounds terrible, but I’m not excited about being pregnant! (Yet?)

My husband and I have been trying for over a year (just lots of the deed without the pressure really) and I’d just got my head around it not happening this year (which I was ok with) and had planned in lots of festive stuff with friends etc including breaks away, then found out last week that I was pregnant. We were away last weekend and I spent the whole time pretending to drink and avoiding anyone topping up glasses. It was much more difficult to not make it obvious than I thought. I have a girls weekend this weekend where I need to do the same which is going to be extremely difficult to keep the secret.

The same day, just before, I accepted my dream job, a job I’d been on the hunt for for the past 3.5 years! Where I live there is no maternity cover and jobs in my industry are very hard to come by etc so starting a new job while pregnant isn’t the ideal. I’m just worried they won’t think I’m committed, which I most definitely am.

A close friend is super chatty about trying to get pregnant and had a miscarriage earlier this year, and when I think back to how excited she was, my levels aren’t even close! I just feel headachy.

This all makes me feel bad and a little stressed at a time when I don’t want to be! I’m also experiencing extreme mood swings (my husband says they’re funny, we’ll see how long that lasts!) and bloating and my boobs are going weirdly pointy.

I guess I feel out of control and will just have to see how things go. I’m also super nervous and scared about looking down one day soon and not being pregnant anymore.

My sister has a severely disabled daughter (think your view of brain damage then x100 it, neither of them have much life) which has taken some of the shine away from my own experiences.

I guess I feel lost and a bit down and unsure. Worried of failing and letting everyone down. And that’s if we make it far (I really hope we do).

I also have a cold and a cough making me feel miserable.

My husband is so excited about it, I feel like I’m bumming him out!

Anyone else feel this way?

X

Ragwort Wed 29-Nov-17 10:09:26

I think there is a huge social pressure on women to want to have a baby and then to be overwhelmed with the excitement of being pregnant - to admit anything else is just not acceptable.
I think it is perfectly understandable that you feel this way, with the new job, concerns over your sister and niece and your friend's reaction - plus it is still very early days.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to behave, I didn't find being pregnant 'exciting' in any way at all, I remember having to fake 'being thrilled' and I told as few people as possible.

I hope everything works out well for you.

FE1984 Wed 29-Nov-17 10:38:49

Thanks Ragwort, that’s really helpful x

LucyDolly Wed 29-Nov-17 10:56:06

Hey 👋🏼

I can relate to your post!

We found out on Friday it’s very early days 5 weeks but despite wanting a child when it was positive I sort of felt like oh no 🤦‍♀️ not yet...then I felt guilty. Then I worried as I have only been in my job a year , we have just bought a house with a huge mortgage so drop in income when I’m off will be really hard....

What it comes down to is do YOU really want this baby right now? Remember it’s YOUR choice . I would leave it a good week to settle in as it’s been 5 days for me and I finally feel “accepting”. My other half doesn’t like it when I speak like this as he thinks I don’t want it , I do but it’s so surreal and scary!

Have a think about everything and let it all digest xx

FE1984 Wed 29-Nov-17 11:51:33

Hi LollyDolly!

I do definitely want this tiny bundle of cells, I just thought it would be a bit more like the opening scene from the Sound of Music rather than blind fear!

My mother always used to say there is never a right time and I think she has a point!

It’s just so scary isn’t it, with such big changes coming. I know some people are natural earth mothers from conception but that’s just not me.

I used to do science PR for growing up milk (horror) so I’ve seen first hand the band of mothers who rally together against those who are trying their best to be a good Mum. I guess I don’t want to be judged for not doing cartwheels, particularly when it’s so early.

The two girls friends I’m seeing this week are my closest and oldest friends so I think they’re going to see straight through me.

Good luck with your pregnancy! X

LucyDolly Wed 29-Nov-17 12:10:43

Honestly it was blind fear for me... I felt numb untill test 5 (which was a clear blue one ) then I slowly started to feel better! However now I’m worrying about everything will baby be okay , what ifs etc!

All being well we are hoping to get a private scan right before Xmas at about 9 weeks then surprise parents on Xmas day! However I feel I may need the support of a friend now so may up telling one close friend next week

Good luck with everything you are going to be fine xx

thingymaboob Wed 29-Nov-17 12:54:46

Hi. I can relate to your post. I am now 34 weeks pregnant and I'm still not excited. I tried for a year and had a horrible miscarriage and was devastated to have miscarried. When I got pregnant again I just felt awful. I feel no bond with the bump and I'm just very anxious all the time. Pregnancy has been awful with hyperemesis. I feel really depressed. I am in therapy but not sure how helpful it is.

FE1984 Wed 29-Nov-17 13:33:13

Hi thingymabob

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. I really hope you can start to feel better soon. It’s sounds awful x

MagicFajita Wed 29-Nov-17 13:42:21

I think you need to stop putting pressure on yourself op. Whilst was thrilled to get my bfp earlier this year I absolutely hated being pregnant - the discomfort, the constant worry of complications...I forced a smile when people said I was glowing. How did I really feel? Terrified , emotional and pissed off because I couldn't take "good" painkillers for my back pain and migraines.

Don't beat yourself up op , it's more than okay to feel the way you do.

Cracklesfire Wed 29-Nov-17 13:57:10

I don't really enjoy pregnancy until the third trimester - I think that's when my hormones finally level out, I get a bit more energy and I have a proper bump instead of just feeling fat and bloated.

There's never a good time to have a baby tbh - I had to turn down a new job after finding out I was pregnant the first time and if I'd taken it I'd probably now be heading a new unit, working better hours and being paid a lot more. But it is what it is - I have DS and I wouldn't change him for anything.

Some women experience antenatal depression - I only heard about it last time as I was pretty anxious after miscarrying but it affects a lot of pregnant women and I don't think it's talked about nearly enough.

Halfdrankbrew Wed 29-Nov-17 14:36:10

I can relate to how you are feeling, I felt the same when I saw the positive line on the test. Our dd was planned but we fell pregnant straight away trying, I panicked and questioned if I was ready and if it was the right time. We went away together for a week just after we found out and sat and talked about it and even had a fleeting moment of should we even have this baby? I was still unsure but realised I couldn't go through that.

Then the day after we got back I started having terrible pains and was bleeding. Sounds awful and I won't ever admit this to anyone in real life but I felt relieved. I was sent for a scan and there was no heart beat (yet), I realised having the scan that actually the initial panic was just me being scared and feeling out of control of my body. I really did want this baby. I went back 2 weeks later for another scan and there was a tiny fluttering heartbeat.

It was an initial flap that we will never tell people about. Our daughter is 2 very soon, she's amazing!

LucyDolly Wed 29-Nov-17 14:59:40

Thanks for being so honest!

I had similar fleeting thoughts too Halfdrankbrew

I think it’s natural smile it’s a scary thing

Lambly Wed 29-Nov-17 15:31:59

OP, I felt exactly the same. I fell pregnant first try and had convinced myself it would take a year. Suddenly all the things I'd thought we'd achieve in that year had to be written off or made pregnant lady friendly. I did my test the day we returned from a holiday, but as the weeks holiday unfolded I became more and more certain I was upduffed. I remember sitting in a busy square of one of our holiday evenings and watching all these tired and harassed parents try to enjoy a nice evening together with all these screechy children running round them, clearly spoiling their evening. I sat and sobbed and wondered what the hell we'd done! It's funny now, but at the time I was devastated!

I'm now 22 weeks and loving being pregnant. I'm certainly not cooing over my bump 24/7 but I like feeling him/her move and knowing they're there and I'm so excited to finally meet them. You've got plenty of time to get used to the idea and I promise you won't miss the drinking and big nights out half as much as you think you will (voice of experience!). Give yourself a break and some time to get your head around everything and you will eventually get on board with the idea!

bathandpjs Wed 29-Nov-17 16:49:53

I'm glad I found this post as I thought I was the only one.

I just want to skip forward the next few months to labour and looking after a new born. It's all a bit overwhelming at the moment. I think it's the secrecy I hate. If I could just be honest with people it would be so much easier.

I haven't anything to add, but you are not alone thanks

GottaBeStrong Wed 29-Nov-17 16:57:52

I can understand where you are coming from as this is my first. I feel as if the impact of having a baby is quite marked compared to living as a childless couple/person. Being pregnant (and sick with it) seems to affect doing things more than I had realised it would, so that has come as quite a shock as none of my friends seemed to suffer in the first trimester to the extent that I have.

Suddenly, when I found out I was pregnant, the wedding we had started planning, a potential move, my having just joined a gym and other things all had to go on hold or change.

I am actually excited about being pregnant, but I do have moments where I feel a bit overwhelmed when I consider how our plans have altered and when I have felt very sick and ill from being pregnant, I have felt less than enthusiastic about it all. For me, it has nothing to do with the baby itself, it's the process/going through pregnancy unpleasantness I think.

FE1984 Wed 06-Dec-17 10:05:55

I am completely, hopelessly, totally, lost. I am also not stupid and well aware that it is highly likely to be due to the emotions rushing through my body like a spotty teenager on steroids. Even though I know this, because in the main I am a reasonable, logical, upbeat person, I cannot seem to drag myself out of the mire of feeling angry and a bit down.

On Monday I called my husband a c*nt and told him that I wish the spare room was warm so I could sleep in there away from him. It wasn't the Micky Flannagan casual c*nting either, which makes it a whole lot worse. I had been irrationally tipped over the edge by things that frustrated me pre-secret, but were so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that I barely noticed I was swallowing them mentally. He couldn't find my hot water bottle. I was downstairs and didn't want to go up and down, so I asked him to look for it under the bed or on top of the drawers on my side. He swore it wasn't there. I came upstairs to see him all tucked up in bed scrolling on his f*cking phone (this is a serious pre-secret bug bear of mine anyway), curled up with the dog. I knew the second I saw him that I was going to find that damned hot water bottle if it killed me. And find it I did, under his side of the bed. And by then it was too late because the unfunny c*nty language had already popped out of my mouth and I was in no mood to take it back or apologise.^

This is not how I though the secret would go. I've been sold a story of instant love and glowing, and organic earth mothers. It is a lie! I'm barely organic at the best of times, glowing is a nice word for sweat, the only instant thing I feel is irritation, and quite frankly I want to punch earth mothers in the face. Do they not have bills to pay as they swan around shopping centres with their boobs out during 9 to 5 whilst judging the working mum?

I feel that the Hollywood birth story is factually incorrect. The many stories of romantic reveals so oversold that Hallmark cards shot be hauled over the coals. I realise that I was clearly not cut out for this goo the minute I saw the line appear. The slushy joy literally evaporating out of my ears as the panic set in. I was too busy saying 'Oh my G' (something which I never say) to actually register my husbands joy because, you know, his balls work.

My biggest fear is looking down and seeing blood. Most people I know have had an mc.

Please tell me that these hormones pass? Maybe it is just a sign of responsibility kicking in.

I think I have 'the fear'. And then I feel guilty because it took us 1.5 years to get here and can take others so much longer.

^Up to this point my husband had found my irritations and mood swings hilarious. I did warn him that the novelty was likely to wear off quickly.

Rogue1234 Wed 06-Dec-17 10:45:30

I think what you're feeling is totally understandable. I'm 38+3 with a very much wanted (IVF) baby and I'm still not excited about being pregnant! I'm scared of something going wrong - and every milestone I've reached I've been momentarily relieved before worrying about the next one. 12 week scan, great, miscarriage risk drops, but then I would worry about them finding something wrong with the baby at the 20 week scan, etc.
I knew right from the beginning I wouldn't feel excited until I had the baby in my arms safe and well.

Then on top of that worry, you're exhausted, emotional, and feeling ill.

Your husband will get over being shouted at. Give yourself a break, it's far too easy to put too much pressure on yourself. Also, I know lots and lots of mums and every single one of them has their faults, so don't be fooled by the "earth mother" bollocks!

Rogue1234 Wed 06-Dec-17 10:48:24

Oh and I have woken up panicking in the middle of the night 2 or 3 times thinking that I've made a giant mistake. Which of course I haven't! If the 4 years spent trying for a baby have told me anything, it's that I definitely want this baby.

It does pass, though. I haven't been a monster constantly for the last 9 months, sometimes it all just gets on top of you.

BigBaboonBum Wed 06-Dec-17 12:14:22

Honestly it’s normal, there are very few “OMG IM PREGNANT THIS IS AWESOME” women out there compared to the rest of us. This is my third pregnancy and third time I’ve felt regret (despite being very planned for), anxiety, sadness over changes that will occur in real life, etc etc etc... it’s normal. Being able to bond with the bump is utter nonsense to me, it makes no sense.
I love my kids more than anything I’ve ever known but didn’t bond with them when I was pregnant 🤔

Wineandpyjamas Wed 06-Dec-17 14:29:15

Hi there, I can definitely relate. I hated being pregnant first time round and now I'm 17 weeks for the second time and thinking I'm mad! I have also had really bad mood swings with this pregnancy that are only just starting to ease off. Having the baby at the end to hold and cuddle and smell (adore that baby head smell, still do it with my 3 yo dd) is wonderful but imo the getting there sucks. And so many people tell you it's gonna be amazing and you'll glow and feel all serene. Taking a quote from the lady in "what to expect when you're expecting" - I call bullshit!

FoodieFood Wed 06-Dec-17 14:41:52

Hi OP, what you're feeling isn't uncommon so don't worry!

When I found out I was pregnant with my much wanted and planned baby, I just felt worried; would the baby be ok? How would we financially cope? How can I hide the pregnancy over Christmas and the endless work parties? Had we done the right thing?! What you're going through is the scariest time in a woman's life so no wonder you're not jumping up and down with excitedness!

It'll take some time to sink in, just look after yourself in the meantime.

And congratulations smile

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