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Termination or not?

(49 Posts)
ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 07:21:52


First time poster here, so be easy on me :-)

Me and the GF have just recently found out we're pregnant, which is something we have spoke about before and both want, and should be a happy time in our lives, but the timing is so so bad I need some advice.

We still have situations with our ex's, paying half of mortgages and bills etc, we don't yet live together, and have kids from above said ex's (not that that matters but trying to give you the whole picture as best as can be). Our kids also don't know about us yet either, they think we are just good friends, as we have been trying to take it slowly in regards to causing as much damage as possible with them having new people in their lives etc.

We both want to keep the baby but it seems our situation dictates otherwise.

I don't know if I'm actually asking for advice, or letting off some steam as we have nobody to talk to about this, but thanks for reading.


FlappyRose Wed 22-Nov-17 07:29:17

‘We’ are not pregnant, your girlfriend is pregnant. This is her decision and my advice would be to support her whatever she decides to do.

ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 07:32:09

'as we have been trying to take it slowly in regards to causing as much damage as possible with them having new people in their lives etc.'

As little damage I mean, should be an edit button.

ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 07:33:19

Hey FlappyRose,

I first wrote 'she is pregnant' and changed it to 'we're' thinking thats what people would pick up on :-)

ScotsLamb Wed 22-Nov-17 07:48:15

You both need to sit down and decide what is best for you both and your families. You are just as valid a contributor as she is. Just remember that from seeing the line on the stick your girlfriend may already feel a physical bond with the baby that you don't yet.

wasMissD Wed 22-Nov-17 07:54:14

I hate when people say it’s just the woman who is affected. It affects both of you so is a joint decision.
Only you two can decide. Sorry can’t be more help. Good luck.

twotired Wed 22-Nov-17 07:59:40

If you both want to keep the baby then I wouldn't recommend termination. I expect this would cause more heartache than the temporary disruption would cause by admitting to your relationship.

Are your DC young enough to not realise how much time has passed? Could you get away with telling them in a couple of months and them not realise it was before they knew about your relationship IYSWIM.

If there is an alternative to the financial situation then look at that. Are your previous partners likely to be difficult with regards to bills and payments?

ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 08:44:29

Appreciate these replies, feels better being able to tell someone.

randomer Wed 22-Nov-17 08:48:13

Keep the baby. You can do it. Slightly sad that this is your only sounding board?

Ilovelampandchair Wed 22-Nov-17 08:55:14

Randomer, that's uncalled for. Many people use mn as one of many sounding boards. Why be such an asshole to him?

OP I'd follow your GF's lead on this. If you have concerns and worries sensitively raise them but physically and emotionally the decision to terminate will possibly affect her far more than you.

If you wanted children anyway I'd be inclined to continue the pregnancy. But ultimately it's a decision only you two can make.

dangle90 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:22:19

Don't know how anyone can say it's just the woman's decision. It affects you both. In my personal opinion I think the reasoning behind termination are all things that can be worked around, you have a good few months before you'd start telling people in which you could work it all out. I think terminations can be quite damaging to relationships. Good luck

randomer Wed 22-Nov-17 09:36:51

No intention to be an asshole. Genuinely feel that talking to friends or a therapist in real life would be preferable.

Elmo230885 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:41:48

Of course its not just the woman's decision, I hate it when people say that. When me and DH had our DD I was pregnant but we were having a baby.

I don't think timing is ever perfect, you may have to condense things in a little but you said its what you both would have wanted in the future.

mindutopia Wed 22-Nov-17 10:03:28

Personally, I don't think there is anything in your situation as you've described it that truly makes it complicated to have a baby that you both genuinely would want if the timing were better. You both sound like stable adults. You know how to parent. It sounds like it's happened a bit quickly, but obviously you didn't take steps to prevent that or else it wouldn't have. I think you probably need to start being very above board about your relationship with your children and families. But otherwise, it sounds like you're having a child you both want and you just need to get your situation sorted in the next 9 months to make that as easy as possible. I don't think a termination sounds like an easy way out that won't haunt you forever given what you've said. But ultimately, it is your partner's choice.

shutitandtidyupgitface Wed 22-Nov-17 10:06:17

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 10:18:41

No cheating went on shock

A year and a half we have been together, but known each other all our lives.

dangle90 Wed 22-Nov-17 10:27:16

Shutit - me and my partner are pregnant at the moment and in no way would I ever tell him he didn't have a say in what happened to our babies... it is both your decisions, yes ultimately the woman but still something you both sit down and talk about seen as though you have created a life together!!

shutitandtidyupgitface Wed 22-Nov-17 10:29:46

The actual decision on whether to continue a pregnancy or not belongs solely to the woman who is pregnant. You and I both know this to be true so why argue?

your male partner is not pregnant either.

Ilovelampandchair Wed 22-Nov-17 10:42:02

Actually Shutit I disagree. That's not the case for everyone. I would take my partners opinion very much into the decision. And in fact, many years ago did. Thank God he agreed with my opinion but if he hadn't I know things would have turned out very differently. I would have not been able to hurt him like that if he'd had a strong view against mine. These decisions are not so black and white.

Swizzlesticks23 Wed 22-Nov-17 10:46:35

Hi op.

Sorry I'm confused forgive me if I'm being ignorant.

Are you and your partner both women ?

If so who is the father if it isn't yourself?

Do the children live with either of you.

I think it will be overwhelming regardless that 1 you both have a new relationship and 2 are pregnant.

shutitandtidyupgitface Wed 22-Nov-17 10:47:43

You can't disagree, since it is a fact.

shutitandtidyupgitface Wed 22-Nov-17 10:48:19

Swizzle obviously OP is a dude.

ImNewHerePeople Wed 22-Nov-17 10:53:36

Yeah I'm a man Swizzle. Hope men are allowed on here smile

dangle90 Wed 22-Nov-17 10:56:19

If you read my post I did say ultimately it is the woman's decision. It is still something the father has a say in though. I am not saying they should pressure the mother into something they don't want to do, but they both should be able to have the discussion.
People can disagree with you, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Sorry to derail your thread OP I really hope you and your partner manage to come to a decision together x

shutitandtidyupgitface Wed 22-Nov-17 10:57:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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