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Second baby, 6yrs later. In turmoil!

(22 Posts)
Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 08:06:33

My daughter's dad chucked us out of our home ( it was in his name) before her first birthday, I had post natal depression & I have fought for everything we have now. She's 5 now & I have a part time job, a lovely home & we are extremely close. I finally met a new partner 5 months ago. He is local, hard working, no children & we have fun on the weekends my girl is at her dad's. Last week I discovered I was pregnant. He is over the moon but I am terrified. I just don't know if I can do it all again. I'm 42. He's 40. I'm unsure of the affect it will have on my daughter as she doesnt adapt well to change. I don't want anythiing getting between us either ( me and her). Thoughts pls?

daimbar Sat 18-Nov-17 08:12:40

Congratulations flowers
It sounds like you have a great partner who will be helpful and supportive so it should be easier than with your arsehole of an ex.
Most 5-6 years old girls would be delighted to have a little baby brother or sister, and there’s unlikely to be jealousy.
Of course it will be hard work and ultimately it’s your decision but in your situation I would go for it.

MagicMoneyTree Sat 18-Nov-17 08:25:45

Congratulations! I think most people who become pregnant for the second time worry about the impact on their first baby, it’s only natural- especially after what you two have been through together. As long as you do what you can to make her feel loved/ special/ included I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s that little bit older too so will be able to help you out and get involved a bit more than a two year old would.

JoJoSM2 Sat 18-Nov-17 08:33:21

I wouldn’t worry about yours older one. I’d be more concerned that you’ve barely just met the new guy so your relationship has a lot of maturing to do and you need to get to know each other.

Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:20:57

I've known my partner for approx 20yrs but not in the relationship sense. I'm extremely concerned that after only 5 months this massive life changing event is occurring & the cracks are already beginning to show for me.

Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:23:14

Thanks for the reassurance magicmoneytree. The changing dynamics are literally blowing my mind!

Rainbowandraindrops67 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:26:15

How far along are you? I don’t know how to say this nicely so sorry but the loss in pregnancy rate at your age is very high. Could you go for an early scan?
What cracks have appeared? It is very early on in a relationship to fall pregnant and must be a massive shift from fun Times to responsiblty.
You must remember your current partner is not your old one though - what happened last time will not happen again.

zoomiee Sat 18-Nov-17 09:27:32

5 years is a great age gap. Your daughter has already bonded with you and will have developed a real sense of who she is through all of the fantastic 1-on-1 time that she has had with you. She is in her own routine, which is unlikely to change much if there is a new arrival; ie school. She will have enough distance from the new baby to not get upset about the sharing of toys- for initially they will be into really different stuff. She will most probably love having some responsibility in taking care of her new sibling- and when you see that relationship forming, any doubts you have will melt away.
There are always pros and cons to every situation, but it sounds like your current situation will be a lovely & welcoming environment to raise a second child, OP.

Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:27:43

Thanks daimbar. I think I'm finding it difficult to separate the 2. Also, because we've not been together long I can't be sure he's not going to do the same.

LardLizard Sat 18-Nov-17 09:29:23

What are the cracks

Rainbowandraindrops67 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:38:19

I think you just have to talk to him about how you are feeling - hopefully he’ll reassure you himself he’s not the same as your ex. You must keep communicating with him.
Everyone worries about the impact on their existing children but watching them have their sibling is an amazing feeling. You set them up for life with someone else than can rely on other than you.

Adviceplease360 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:52:19

How far along are you?

MagicMoneyTree Sat 18-Nov-17 09:54:05

Also, don’t mistake “moody normal bitch” for “cracks” 😉 I can see how that would be done early on in a relationship and based on your previous experience you could possibly looking for problems before they’re even there? I only say that because in your op you said your oh is really excited and it sounds like he’ll be supportive? You’re allowed to be a snappy cow when pregnant and have a few tiffs without it signifying the end. You are allowed to be happy this time and it is perfectly possible for this man to be the kind of father you thought your ex would be. On the other hand, you also know you can do it on your own, so if things don’t work out, you’ll handle it. Obviously if you can’t face having another child you’re not too late to terminate either, but it doesn’t sound like you’re thinking along those lines? X

Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:57:22

I guess the honeymoon period is over & it's the usual niggles over annoying habits etc. He is also very set in his ways due to leading a bachelor life for so long & is very opinionated & quite old fashioned ( almost bigoted, dare I say?) I've brought my daughter up to be accepting & kind to everyone in all walks of life. I'm not sure he feels the same.......

Scarlettblonde1 Sat 18-Nov-17 09:59:53

I'm 7wks.

Sevendown Sat 18-Nov-17 10:00:04

Separate out 'having a baby' with 'having a relationship with this man'.

MagicMoneyTree Sat 18-Nov-17 10:01:26

Oh ok. Sounds like it could be problematic. Then I guess it’s a matter of can you face going it alone again if it came to that?

MagicMoneyTree Sat 18-Nov-17 10:02:47

And sorry if my earlier post implied the cracks were your doing! I was projecting a bit as I am a moody hormonal cow when pregnant and my other half is an absolute saint!

SleepFreeZone Sat 18-Nov-17 10:08:24

Having recently had to terminate a pregnancy at your age in the second trimester because of a serious chromosome issue. I too would suggest you just quietly concentrate on getting to 12 weeks and if you get that far I would be getting the Harmony test done.

Good luck xx

Maverick66 Sat 18-Nov-17 10:09:09

The past is another country.
You are in a loving secure relationship.
Trust me your daughter will love the new arrival. Just let her be involved as much as possible.
My eldest daughter doesn't adapt well to change and was a particularly difficult and 'highly strung' child.
She is an adult now .
There was 3 years between her and her sister she took years to adapt however I had a baby when she was 10 and my second daughter was 7 and they love him to bits. In fact I would say he bonded them!
They are all adult now but trust me all will be fine flowers

zoomiee Sat 18-Nov-17 10:42:12

This sounds more to do with your concerns about your relationship with your partner than your pregnancy- best to start communicating your worries & fears with your OH

LardLizard Sat 18-Nov-17 11:14:26

It’s a decision only you can make
I can see why it’s such a tough choice for you though

Good luck op

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