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I miss my mum...anyone else?

(25 Posts)
manchesteruntied Wed 08-Nov-17 20:25:05

...now im a mammy-to-be i really miss my own mother. We cant be in touch because things are toxic and complicated and it just won't work (30+ years of trying). But regardless of the facts i miss her all the time, and now im pg i just want her back, even though it would be an epically bad idea to initiate contact. Please be kind if you are reading and choose to respond, if that's not possible thats ok but Pls consider not posting. Im just a preggy lady who wants her mammy.

Ilovechocolate111 Wed 08-Nov-17 20:30:54

I know exactly how you feel.
I haven't spoken or seem my mum for 10 years + because basically she's evil and horrid and she's told me she hates ect. But when I had a prem baby all I wanted was her but i knew if I did all the trouble would start again.
I no how you feel! Trust me I've been there. Xx

dangle90 Wed 08-Nov-17 20:32:04

Hey! Sorry to hear things aren’t good between you and your Mum. Me and my mum had a rocky relationship... she passed away 4 years ago now.. I would do anything to have her back. Pregnancy really does make you think of these things. Hope you can sort it out x

Katescurios Wed 08-Nov-17 20:33:43

Every day, my mum died when I was 21. Every big event I feel sad that she missed it and I missed having her there for it.

I also find myself looking at my 3year old and feeling so sad that she will miss having her grandma.

Hugs all round.

Oysterbabe Wed 08-Nov-17 20:34:13

I miss mine too. She died suddenly when I was bang on 24 weeks. I'm 34 weeks now and as my due date approaches I just feel more and more heartbroken that my little boy will never meet his nanny.

paniconthestreetsofdreams Wed 08-Nov-17 20:47:46

Me too.

Lots today. Taking this thread as a sign from her.

Hugs all round.

dangle90 Wed 08-Nov-17 20:55:24

Aww reading these messages makes me feel sad. 31 weeks with twins here. I think all our mums will be looking down x

helly29 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:34:31

Hugs from me too. Lost mine 5 years ago, but I can see how hard them still being there but having a difficult relationship is just as hard.

I found it especially hard seeing my mil with my ds at first - nothing against her as she is great and adores him, but it gave me a glimpse of what he was missing with my mum.

Expecting number 2 and still feel the same!

manchesteruntied Thu 09-Nov-17 10:09:19

<3 lots of hugs and thank you all for being so kind and sharing flowers

and congratulations to everyone who is expecting or has a little one (or two!).

lots of love xxx

Emu31 Thu 09-Nov-17 10:21:49

I'm sorry for what you're going through with your mum OP, that sounds really hard. My Mum passed away 5 years ago when I was 25 I have missed her even more than before since being pregnant, it's been like a whole new layer of grief. It's very hard to see other friends with little ones with their mums to support them, and I just wish I could have that too. Thank you for starting this thread, it is nice to read that I am not alone in feeling like this - though I would never wish for anyone else to go through it. x

lexilou86 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:59:50

my mum passed last year... id give anythinv to see her again. she was quite poorly for the last few years so i know i wouldve been annoyed she wouldnt have been able.to help.. but i liked thw fact i could call her anytime.. i feel like im bothering everyone else.. luckily i really like my mil and shes taken me shopping etc but ita not the same.
my biggest worry is that i can check the name that she likes.. i prob wouldve ignored her anyway but just to ask i miss that. my dad dies 6 weeks before that so this poor babba wont have any grandparents my side..

sending hugs to u ladies
xxx

laketaupo Thu 09-Nov-17 21:10:15

Feeling the same, I'm 38 weeks with my second and my mum has about 2 months left to live they think.

Laaadyofthehousespeaking Thu 09-Nov-17 21:25:09

Op I’m also no contact with my mum- she’s a crazy, abusive, alcoholic. I put up with all her crap from the age of 13 til a year After having my 1st. The craziness didn’t stop, the drunk phone calls & threats. Turning up at my daughters 1st birthday and getting shit faced and argumentative was the last straw, despite loving her dearly I just couldn’t deal with it anymore and didn’t want my child to have the stress and anxiety of it all.
I miss her sometimes too, when she was normal she was the best but that’s not who she is now and she doesn’t want anyone’s help (she doesn’t think she needs help-her criminal record proves otherwise)!
I found it was hard at the school gates seeing other mums with their mums or nanas on the school run but I, like you, realize that it would be the wrong thing to do to get in contact again when nothing in her life has changed, I think in the last 7 years it’s actually got worse. Chin up flowers

lexilou86 Thu 09-Nov-17 21:37:28

im sorry to hear that @laketaupo
if u want to talk. pls pm i was with both my parents till the end so know what your going through xx

ninnynono Thu 09-Nov-17 21:42:49

Mum died not long before my dc1 was born. Pregnancy without her was horrible. I missed her so much. It was hard for me to see my mil with my dd too.

I have just had my dc2 and things are easier. I've developed my own 'mummy style' and feel more confident in my own parenting choices and behaviour whereas previously I felt like I needed my mum to discuss everything with. I still miss my mum every day but feel more independent. Second pregnancy was definitely easier.
flowers for everyone

HarryHarry Fri 10-Nov-17 14:42:28

Mine died last year and now I'm 18 wks pregnant with my first child I miss her more than ever.

User45632874 Fri 10-Nov-17 15:42:50

manchestunited

Yes, another one here non contact. I think I miss the idea of having a mother more than I miss my actual mother (that probably sounds really awful) and I do get a twinge when I see all the other lovely nans around but then I just have to remind myself that I am living in fantasy land and that actually my own mother was not like them. Hormones etc. does make everything far worse; I am expecting dc3 (hopefully) and I find that it helps to focus on the lovely family that I do have: the here and now and look forward. Incidentally, I am also no contact with my father too (for very good reasons). No advice really, just wanted to say that you are not alone and my condolences to all those ladies who have lost a parent through death, I think pregnancy really does bring home what you have lost x

Hotpinkangel19 Mon 13-Nov-17 07:24:25

I lost my mum in June and my dad in august. I miss them both so much.

manchesteruntied Mon 13-Nov-17 13:27:27

@User45632874 thank you for understanding, flowers it's a similar situation for me (1st pg though) it's good idea to try and remember the lovely family we have/will have, I'll try to do that.

to everyone posting here who has experienced loss, I'm so sorry flowers it can be especially hard at this time of year, and when you have a bump or a new baby other people just don't seem to really understand.

...At the weekend, I tried to confide in a friend how I was feeling, and they didn't even reply to what I said, just said congrats on the pg (which is obv nice) but I can understand others don't know what to say sometimes.

This thread has been helpful for me, I feel less alone, I hope it has been a little helpful to others, thinking of you all xx

User45632874 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:37:42

Hi Manchester
Hope you're doing O.K and hope I didn't come across as saying try to forget your feelings because you can't, it's O.K to acknowledge them and it is natural in my opinion to feel this way. The hormones do have an affect too - PND makes everything 10 times worse for me as well as pregnancy. Also, this time of year brings it home as well. People often don't understand or don't know what to say, sometimes I don't completely understand the way things have ended up myself but I have grown stronger over time and don't really want to go back to the place I was before. Now I have my dc's I try to look forward and concentrate on them and make their childhood what mine certainly wasn't (then there's my lovely dh too, cant forget him). My children don't have any grandparents - 2 dead, 2 estranged, I do feel sorry for them sometimes because I had one set of fantastic grandparents but I try to remember to be the best parent I can be and all the things that my lovely grandparents did for me, I try to pass on to them x

manchesteruntied Mon 13-Nov-17 13:50:47

Hi @User45632874

Don't worry <3 I totally understood, it does really help me to try and stay in the present- otherwise I can get stuck between worrying I'll repeat mistakes that were made with me, and guilt that my bump will miss out on maternal grandparents.

Thank you for being so nice, it especially helps when it's someone who gets where you're coming from. Like you said, it's the idea of a mum, I get a bit of mum-envy from mummies-to-be with their mums on the end of the phone, or being there for scans etc.

I forgot to say congrats on your DC3(to be) hope all goes well with your pg, it sounds like you are a lovely family xx

KellyMarieTunstall2 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:23:23

Hi Op
Sorry you are feeling this way, I understand how you feel and feel very down about my own mother situation now, I'm due to have my baby anytime. She has just gone on holiday for 2 weeks, I feel like its a massive snub to me even though we don't have a close loving relationship. I think I am sad, missing an idealistic mother daughter relationship, not the actual crappy one I have in reality. She even told me she'll visit at Xmas! She couldn't have made me feel any more irrelevant if she tried. I know its my hormones and it will pass. Just know that you will be a loving mother to your own child, and focus your energies into the new life and future. Take care, hugs

Rebeccaslicker Mon 13-Nov-17 17:00:43

My amazing mum died far too young many years ago. I miss her every day and I still cry that she's never met my DD. Thinking about what she has missed out on, and what DD has missed out on, makes me v v sad.

You are absolutely right to want your mum (but to be a real mum!). It's such an emotional time flowers

manchesteruntied Tue 14-Nov-17 12:01:58

Just wanted to say thanks again for everyone's contributions to this thread, it really has helped me to feel understood and less alone and I'm hoping it maybe helps others in some way maybe. I posted originally when I was just having a wee cry to myself in the bath and didn't know what else to do (...when all else fails, mumsnet...) it has helped me through a really difficult and lonely time, it's very touching and humbling to hear your experiences xx

Lilbeth1986 Tue 14-Nov-17 21:47:58

Hugs to everyone else feeling this.My mum passed away 7 years ago.I felt so sad after my 12 week scan today that I couldn’t ring her or show her the scan pic.Think the milestones since losing her are always hard.

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