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Telling one set of parents before the other

(15 Posts)
Snipples Sun 05-Nov-17 06:36:12

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We live abroad and aren't seeing my parents until Christmas when I'll be around 16 weeks. Our inlaws are visiting this week and we've told them the news as I've been suffering from HG and have been quite sick and also I cannot drink and, as this was our chance to tell them in person (we won't see them at Christmas). A

My FIL has said he thinks my mum will be very hurt that she wasn't told at the same time and that it's not a good idea to wait until Christmas.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Key background is that we have had two miscarriages already this year and so don't want to share news in first trimester when we don't have to, and also would really like to share happy news in person at Christmas - I think this will be nicer for my parents. My mother is also a bit of a gossip and will tell everyone and probably try and organize some sort of surprise baby shower if given too much notice.

I'm probably overthinking it all - but is it awful to wait/ do you think it will cause issues or is it nicer to do it in person? Thanks

OuchBollocks Sun 05-Nov-17 06:40:19

Can't your PILs just be a bit discreet about knowing sooner? If your parents ask if they know give a vague non answer, 'they know now', that sort of thing. It won't matter this time next year.

PrimeraVez Sun 05-Nov-17 06:45:58

I am in a similar-ish position. Currently 8 weeks after MCx2 earlier this year so reluctant to tell anyone that I don't have to tell until I'm past 12 weeks.

MIL and FIL have both passed away but I have told a few close friends as I've been pretty sick and it's quite obvious I'm pg. My parents are coming to visit at Christmas (we're overseas as well) and I'm not planning on telling them before that.

a) I think it's nicer to tell them in person
b) I think it will be a nice 'Christmas' surprise
c) my mum wasn't much support when I miscarried, so I don't really want to tell her anything until we're into the 2nd tri.

Best of luck!

Snipples Sun 05-Nov-17 06:51:54

Yes that's exactly how I feel too! The last time I saw my parents in person was the day after the first miscarriage so it would be nice to tell them happy news this time. And while she tried, mum was not a great support, she totally minismised it, and she gossiped to her friends for sympathy. I know she will tell loads of people that we're pregnant and expect grand announcements for every waif and stray and I don't want to do that.

No worries on inlaws spilling that they know. They're very good secret keepers so I might judge fudge it that we told them at the same time.

Sorry for your loss Prim. The next big demand mum will have is wanting to fly over for the birth! The joys of living abroad 🙄

Snipples Sun 05-Nov-17 06:53:02

Sorry prim - losses rather. I hope you have a very healthy pregnancy this time around.

PrimeraVez Sun 05-Nov-17 13:53:24

Thanks Snip!

Luckily my mum is a teacher and as I inconveniently had the baby in the middle of term time, I managed to avoid that conversation!

Best of luck with everything!

PrimeraVez Sun 05-Nov-17 13:54:12

Had my son that is...
Mum is now retired so wonder if she will want to be here for this one? confused

DeadDoorpost Sun 05-Nov-17 14:01:13

My mum would have gone spare if I'd told her after I'd told my dad and step mum because she's jealous/insecure/nasty sensitive about these things. She too wants to be here for the birth or as soon as possible after it. She's driving me nuts.
It's totally up to you when you tell your parents. Besides, I'm sure they'll understand you wanting to wait to get to the 12 week mark at least (and a bit further on than that) after your miscarriages. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest!

Snipples Sun 05-Nov-17 14:57:37

Thanks for the advice, stories, war tales. I have a feeling she will be a bit annoyed and jealous but I'm just gonna deal with it then. If that's all she is worried about when we finally have the news of a healthy pregnancy then it's def a reflection on her and not me. Bloody parents eh!

lampert Sun 05-Nov-17 18:01:14

Ahhh this is interesting!

I have a similar dilemma, told my mum at 9 weeks because we were going away for a weekend with her and there’s no way I could have stopped her guessing.

PIL are obsessed with being competitive about whether my mum is closer to us than them so the first question they ask will be ‘when did your mum find out’? Mum has promised to keep quiet and will be discreet if asked but I worry they’ll somehow find out and go mad! We will tell them a few days after they get back from holiday when we’ve had the 12 week scan. Gahhhhhhh!!

Dunzo Sun 05-Nov-17 18:06:26

First time round I felt like I had to tell both parents at the same time but this time I didn't feel the same. We told my parents at 8 weeks because I was with them when I had a big bleed. We told everyone else including in-laws at 12w. We just glossed over it and said how much we had wanted to keep it to ourselves for the first trimester, it's great being able to tell everyone now, it's lovely being past the first few months keeping it to yourself etc etc. They didn't ask and we certainly didn't volunteer that my parents knew first.

Chesca345 Mon 06-Nov-17 00:41:28

We told MIL at 9 weeks, way earlier than I wanted to but we only see her once or twice a year. Felt bad that she knew before my own mum did, but also knew that my mum is terrible at keeping secrets! Turns out I made the right decision as she blurted my news to my whole family within days (told her at 12w) so I literally didn't get chance to announce it to anyone else in my own family, gutted.

She found out MIL knew before her which did upset her. I should've just pretended she was first to know but equally, it was our choice and we had our reasons.

Ifearthecold Mon 06-Nov-17 00:56:29

I came out of MIL's bathroom on Christmas Day hysterical with joy at having a positive test following our IVF, so she found out first. Happily she and my mother don't talk so I doubt they ever discussed this.

Snipples Mon 06-Nov-17 07:04:11

Chesca what did your mum say when she found out MIL knew first? This is the bit I'm dreading tbh but I still feel I want to wait.

Lovely story about the Christmas Day BFP - I'm sure that was a wonderful moment!!

Chesca345 Mon 06-Nov-17 19:09:15

Snipples she was a little hurt, but she got over it quickly enough (I think!) and everything is fine now. With hindsight though, maybe I should've lied and told her she was first to know, would've saved the upset!

I can make it up to her by telling her the sex first (just found out today - girl!) and the actual birth announcement when it happens. Xx

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