Unwanted Abortion

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

[Lozmatoz]

What is it you’re asking op? If you should do it or not?

Are your intentions to leave your husband for this man or to stay with him and not tell him?

[Lozmatoz]

Is it also definitely not your husbands?

[BigBaboonBum]

I’d think about your current child and how this will effect them, but can’t answer what I’d do as it’s difficult to imagine and it’s also ultimately your choice. I don’t think that affairs ever have a happy ending and whichever route you choose will end in people getting hurt... so i would do what’s best for your (already born) child. Also bear in mind that your partner (the one you’re havinf an affair with) May just want to stay with his family and this is just a bit of fun for him, he may tell you words but if he has no intention of breaking up his family then I’d say tread lightly.
Good luck OP

[Santawontbelong]

Firstly 2-3 weeks pregnant isn't possible really!
Either tell him you want to be with him - if you do (he won't leave his dw for you though)
Tell dh you have been cheating and hope he forgives you and offers to support you and the baby.
Have a termination.
Or leave dh and keep the baby and go it alone.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

I'm really not sure. I don't want to uproot my daughter from her school/home life so it would be too big a move for her. I guess that I would be going it alone with a new baby and my dd.

Just asking what other posters would do in my situation really as I have no one independent enough to talk it through with. And it's hurting. Question is- do I minimise the hurt for everyone and abort or go ahead with the pregnancy (which is what I've always wanted- a sibling for dd) and go it alone?

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Loz- definitely not my oh's. He's very careful to the point of obsessive.

[CakesRUs]

I don’t think there are any easy answers to this one. Do you want another baby? You say your OH doesn’t but do you?

[NerNerNerNerBATMAN]

Oh what a difficult situation OP. If it were me, I'd have the termination and end the affair.

I'd want to minimise the impact on my current family. Would DD really want a sibling if it were responsible for the breakdown of her family? The truth always comes out.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Thank you BigBaboon - He already has 2 children, his marriage is very shaky but he has said that he wants to be involved both emotionally and financially. But ultimately, he has left the decision up to me

[BigBaboonBum]

I don’t mean to sound harsh here but I think that if you have no intention of being in a proper relationship with your husband then you should break up with him regardless, to give him the chance of a life with somebody who isn’t going behind his back. If you don’t want the same things then why are you together anyway? I’m not saying keep or abort the baby but whatever you do you need to leave that relationship for both of your sakes.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Cakes - I do. And oh knows this. I have done for well over 4 years. I has been eating away at me all this time and I massively resent him for his decision. I feel selfish as he's a good man, provides for us and is a great dad, there's just nothing there- we're more like brother and sister :( .

[Lozmatoz]

It’s difficult to answer having not been in your situation. I wouldn’t want to break up my family, but if you’re not happy with your partner....

If you weren’t pregnant, would you be considering leaving?

[TheFaerieQueene]

His marriage is shaky because he is shagging someone else.

[Dauphinoise]

Just asking what other posters would do in my situation

Only you can decide, nobody here can help you decide, no matter what others may hypothetically do in your situation. This is your situation, your body, your decision only

It's a tough TOUGH decision ...believe me, I know how hard it is. But absolutely nobody can help you decide but you

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Loz - neither do I. I never in a million years dreamt I'd be in this position. Ever. Have been with OH for over 20 years and family will always come first. I just feel so about it all.

[JigglyTuff]

Well your marriage is over by the sounds of things. So it’s a choice of being a single parent of one child or two.

[WanderingTrolley1]

Are you sure it’s your lover’s baby?

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

100% sure. The dates are spot on.

[Choccablock]

OP, do you love and want to stay with your DH? You really need to think about this one. You can't continue to have a secret affair, especially after something so life changing. It's not good for your own mental well-being.

If you do love and want to stay with your DH then you should either abort and not tell him, or abort and talk with him about your affair and how you regret it.

If you don't want to stay with DH then you could either let him know everything and explain your reasons for leaving. (Obviously so much easier for me to say this than I would be for you to do) Or leave him and don't tell him every single detail of your reasons why.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Chocca - I am so thoroughly ashamed of putting myself and everyone in this position. I guess I was after affection from this man ultimately. My gut is to abort and continue in an unhappy marriage forever for the sake of everyone...but the guilt of aborting my baby is indescribable. It's something which will have to remain unacknowledged forever and the guilt for my baby is immense.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

It is literally driving me insane knowing that it will always be a secret and I can only ever talk to this other man about it.

Thank you for your considered replies so far...

[DoubleRamsey]

Don't have an abortion in these circumstances. Honestly your marriage is over anyway, it was probably over when you diagreed with how many children to have.

Be honest with everyone, deal with the horrible fall out and have your baby. I think it will be worth it.

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

Thank you Somewhere that's why I came on here. It's good to know that you've been in the same position as me.

I have times during the day when I think I'm going to continue the pregnancy and be ok but other times...it just freaks me out.

Thank you for your advice.x