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Unwanted Abortion

(181 Posts)
ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 09:28:03

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

Lozmatoz Thu 02-Nov-17 09:36:14

What is it you’re asking op? If you should do it or not?

Are your intentions to leave your husband for this man or to stay with him and not tell him?

Lozmatoz Thu 02-Nov-17 09:41:16

Is it also definitely not your husbands?

BigBaboonBum Thu 02-Nov-17 09:43:48

I’d think about your current child and how this will effect them, but can’t answer what I’d do as it’s difficult to imagine and it’s also ultimately your choice. I don’t think that affairs ever have a happy ending and whichever route you choose will end in people getting hurt... so i would do what’s best for your (already born) child. Also bear in mind that your partner (the one you’re havinf an affair with) May just want to stay with his family and this is just a bit of fun for him, he may tell you words but if he has no intention of breaking up his family then I’d say tread lightly.
Good luck OP flowers

Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 09:46:25

Firstly 2-3 weeks pregnant isn't possible really!
Either tell him you want to be with him - if you do (he won't leave his dw for you though)
Tell dh you have been cheating and hope he forgives you and offers to support you and the baby.
Have a termination.
Or leave dh and keep the baby and go it alone.

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 09:47:40

I'm really not sure. I don't want to uproot my daughter from her school/home life so it would be too big a move for her. I guess that I would be going it alone with a new baby and my dd.

Just asking what other posters would do in my situation really as I have no one independent enough to talk it through with. And it's hurting. Question is- do I minimise the hurt for everyone and abort or go ahead with the pregnancy (which is what I've always wanted- a sibling for dd) and go it alone?

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 09:48:54

Loz- definitely not my oh's. He's very careful to the point of obsessive.

CakesRUs Thu 02-Nov-17 09:51:20

I don’t think there are any easy answers to this one. Do you want another baby? You say your OH doesn’t but do you?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Thu 02-Nov-17 09:51:59

Oh what a difficult situation OP. If it were me, I'd have the termination and end the affair.

I'd want to minimise the impact on my current family. Would DD really want a sibling if it were responsible for the breakdown of her family? The truth always comes out.

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 09:52:03

Thank you BigBaboon - He already has 2 children, his marriage is very shaky but he has said that he wants to be involved both emotionally and financially. But ultimately, he has left the decision up to me

BigBaboonBum Thu 02-Nov-17 09:53:42

I don’t mean to sound harsh here but I think that if you have no intention of being in a proper relationship with your husband then you should break up with him regardless, to give him the chance of a life with somebody who isn’t going behind his back. If you don’t want the same things then why are you together anyway? I’m not saying keep or abort the baby but whatever you do you need to leave that relationship for both of your sakes.

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 09:55:37

Cakes - I do. And oh knows this. I have done for well over 4 years. I has been eating away at me all this time and I massively resent him for his decision. I feel selfish as he's a good man, provides for us and is a great dad, there's just nothing there- we're more like brother and sister sad .

Lozmatoz Thu 02-Nov-17 09:56:22

It’s difficult to answer having not been in your situation. I wouldn’t want to break up my family, but if you’re not happy with your partner....

If you weren’t pregnant, would you be considering leaving?

TheFaerieQueene Thu 02-Nov-17 09:57:06

His marriage is shaky because he is shagging someone else.

Dauphinoise Thu 02-Nov-17 09:57:34

Just asking what other posters would do in my situation

Only you can decide, nobody here can help you decide, no matter what others may hypothetically do in your situation. This is your situation, your body, your decision only

It's a tough TOUGH decision ...believe me, I know how hard it is. But absolutely nobody can help you decide but you

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 10:01:26

Loz - neither do I. I never in a million years dreamt I'd be in this position. Ever. Have been with OH for over 20 years and family will always come first. I just feel so about it all.

JigglyTuff Thu 02-Nov-17 10:02:35

Well your marriage is over by the sounds of things. So it’s a choice of being a single parent of one child or two.

WanderingTrolley1 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:08:08

Are you sure it’s your lover’s baby?

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 10:09:18

100% sure. The dates are spot on.

Choccablock Thu 02-Nov-17 10:11:19

OP, do you love and want to stay with your DH? You really need to think about this one. You can't continue to have a secret affair, especially after something so life changing. It's not good for your own mental well-being.

If you do love and want to stay with your DH then you should either abort and not tell him, or abort and talk with him about your affair and how you regret it.

If you don't want to stay with DH then you could either let him know everything and explain your reasons for leaving. (Obviously so much easier for me to say this than I would be for you to do) Or leave him and don't tell him every single detail of your reasons why.

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 10:16:27

Chocca - I am so thoroughly ashamed of putting myself and everyone in this position. I guess I was after affection from this man ultimately. My gut is to abort and continue in an unhappy marriage forever for the sake of everyone...but the guilt of aborting my baby is indescribable. It's something which will have to remain unacknowledged forever and the guilt for my baby is immense.

somewhereawayfromhere Thu 02-Nov-17 10:17:52

Ok been in this situation, but it was a false alarm (stupid Lloyd’s tests), so my advice.. and this is just what I felt was right, not what you should do.. i assumed and he then said he wouldn’t leave her, but just thought if it’s just me, what do I want. I would have kept the baby, even if that meant social humiliation, having to own up to my DH about affair, kids when they grow up knowing I had done this. My thoughts are that after people’s initial shock, it becomes old news. Kids are pretty accepting of things and as long as they don’t feel abandoned in any way, only when they’re older will they realise and if you can explain it to them well, and maybe get advice on best way. I also felt having an abortion I would be far more likely to regret that from what I’ve read and heard, than going through with it and looking after a baby. Bit of a life changer, but if you wanted another child anyway, it will be loved and wanted and I’m sure you will be fine, if that’s what you choose to do. Ultimately your decision, but definitely good to get advice. X

ThisDevilWearsPrimark Thu 02-Nov-17 10:18:36

It is literally driving me insane knowing that it will always be a secret and I can only ever talk to this other man about it.

Thank you for your considered replies so far...

DoubleRamsey Thu 02-Nov-17 10:20:21

Don't have an abortion in these circumstances. Honestly your marriage is over anyway, it was probably over when you diagreed with how many children to have.

Be honest with everyone, deal with the horrible fall out and have your baby. I think it will be worth it.

somewhereawayfromhere Thu 02-Nov-17 10:21:17

Counselling.. can ask GP for referral / Samaritans also might be useful?

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