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Third Pregnancy - Husband Doesn't Want It

(13 Posts)
JuliaCarr Wed 01-Nov-17 12:39:20

Advice needed please. I'm around 7 weeks pregnant with my third but my husband is really unhappy about it. It was unplanned and we used the calendar method of contraception which I know isn't the most reliable. Full disclosure- I have always wanted a third (ds's aged 3 and 4) and didn't want to go back on the pill or have a coil. I'm allergic to condoms so we couldn't use that. It happened in a month where my cycle was all over the place and it was a pure accident (I would never have tricked him into this).

Husband is now very resentful that I am pregnant with a third, that he's always been adamant he didn't want. He was shocked when I first told him but was then really happy for a week or so in which time we told our parents, my sister and a close friend. He is now spinning out. He's saying he never wanted a third for all the reasons you'd expect - the financial burden on him, the going back to the baby and young toddler stage that we've just got out of, the fact we were getting 'our lives back', the changes to our relationship, the impact on our ds's.

And now I don't know what to do. He'd never ask me to have an abortion but I can't help thinking that maybe this is what I need to do. I don't have a moral standpoint on it, and believe it's every woman's choice. However, I'm struggling with getting my head around terminating a pregnancy that I wouldn't be going through with if he was on board. But then I think it's unfair on him to force him to have a child he doesn't want.

We've had an early scan today and it was just really sad. Seeing him not be excited and not be happy. It's not what I would ever have wanted for a pregnancy scan.

We are usually such a great team and I need to do what's right for our family and what can help us move forward in the happiest of ways. I just don't know what this is. Any advice?!

BabloHoney Wed 01-Nov-17 12:55:59

Bless you. It sounds like you really don't want to have an abortion. Do you think he is just freaking out because it was unplanned and a shock - might he feel differently once the baby is here? Maybe he's just focusing on the negative and not the amazing things about having a third child.. the baby and toddler stage doesn't last forever, you will 'get your lives back' again and your sons will probably love having another sibling (most of the time!) And he will have another little one who will love him and call him daddy!
I wish i had better advice but hugs to you xx

JuliaCarr Wed 01-Nov-17 13:05:33

Thank you @BabloHoney. He's a worrier by nature and the financial worries are always at the top of his mind. Our house is big enough but then he worries that what if he loses his job, and we can't stay in our house etc etc. He's a worrier for sure.
He is such a great, hands-on Dad and I feel lucky that he is so involved with our current two. I know he wants a bit more 'time for us', which has been tricky having two kids so close together and then I set my own business up. And he was hoping that we would have more time to be 'just us', as things progress with my business. And now a third has thrown this all up in the air for him. One part of me thinks he will love this baby so much when it arrives but another part is thinking 'what if he doesn't and you've thrown away something so good'.

I've booked to have counselling with a clinic in a few days...
Thanks again for replying. x

GummyGoddess Wed 01-Nov-17 13:23:02

You'll have years of being just you two again, a few extra years of small baby time won't make much difference in the long run. I'm pregnant with an unplanned baby now, dh was very upset at first and suggested we have a baby at a different time. He knows that while I'm pro choice I personally could never abort a healthy baby and he knew I would say I couldn't. He's come around to the idea now and is getting a little bit excited, and I caught him researching nct refresher courses and looking at baby names.

Financially this baby is also cheaper as we already have clothes, we have friends who are ready to throw bags of clothes at us, we have toys, crib, etc. I guess you might need a new car with a third baby?

Do you think your husband will come around to the idea? And if he doesn't, will you be happy without this baby?

JuliaCarr Wed 01-Nov-17 13:39:39

I agree with everything you've said @GummyGoddess.

I hate DH being unhappy and I think I'm just trying to 'fix it'. Maybe it can't be fixed.

I do think I could be happy in the future without this baby but then I think that really would be it... 100% never having another baby, getting rid of the baby stuff I've kept on to, hoping that one day they'd get used, it makes me really really sad. Knowing that I would have sacrificed so much for him, if I go through with a termination. And friends that are due to have babies next year... all those things, I don't know how I would cope with it.

But then I think it's just as bad for my husband to have a baby he doesn't want. And what if he doesn't change his mind... what if it ruins everything...

MagicMoneyTree Wed 01-Nov-17 20:34:28

To put it bluntly, if he didn’t want to risk a third child, he could have abstained or had the snip couldn’t he? Yet another case of the responsibility for contraception falling to the woman and her being blamed when it fails.

And it’s too late now. You are pregnant. What happens next is up to you. I appreciate that you’re a family and have lots to think about, but ultimately it is your choice. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide xx

GummyGoddess Wed 01-Nov-17 20:42:53

Is there no chance he'd come around to the idea? Would he really prefer not to have the baby even though you've already told people?

JuliaCarr Wed 01-Nov-17 21:06:08

@magicmoneytree I told him I didn't want him to get the snip and now he's feeling resentful as his standpoint is that I left him no choice (intimacy is/was an important part of our relationship) and now this has happened and what did I expect, because he'd made his feelings really clear on the third child. And I don't know what I expected... Thanks for replying x

@gummygoddess he says that he's sure he'll love the baby when it comes but this isn't something he wanted. He feels like I've trapped him.

thisgirlrides Wed 01-Nov-17 21:19:01

I really feel for you as I suspect if I (had) got pregnant with a 3rd I'd be posting similar sad. I'm now mid-40's and my youngest is 8 so it's not even a topic of conversation now BUT I do still feel a pang of regret every time I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a family with 3 children etc. I simply can't imagine how much worse it would be to have been pregnant & terminated a child you wanted despite your husband's wishes.i guess it depends how strong your desire for a 3rd is, whether you think emotionally you can cope with a termination and ultimately what are the repercussion for keeping the baby.

Good luck flowers

GummyGoddess Thu 02-Nov-17 18:44:13

How can you trap him? You're already married with children so he didn't need "trapping".

Perhaps the word he is thinking of is betrayed? That's the word dh used to me as he initially thought I hadn't taken the morning after pill like I said I would as he knew I didn't want to take it. However after research he found that the pill I took has a really high failure rate and with how quickly I realised I was pregnant we must have conceived on the most fertile time of my cycle (he does now believe I took it).

Is there no way you can reassure him you didn't do this on purpose if he's thinking that? If he says he will love the baby do you believe him?

Roseandbee Thu 02-Nov-17 19:55:39

In my view its happen now, so unless your ok with having an abortion, which it doesn't sound like you are then you don't really have much choice.
Have you actually asked your husband if he thinks you should have an abortion? (not that you should have one if he says yes) but I reckon he maybe against the idea himself so maybe it'd make him realise that its happen now and its just as much his fault as yours, so he better just get on with it instead of focusing on the fact he told you he didn't want 3 but then couldn't be bothered to take better precautions to not make it happen. Just because you'd like three doesn't make you guilty now, you were the one willing to sacrifice your wish to have 3, it was up to to him to stop it from happening.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 02-Nov-17 20:11:54

I would have more sympathy for him if he hadn't let you tell his family. My guess is that he doesn't actually want you to have a termination (I mean, what on earth would he say to them if you decided to terminate now?). My guess is that he knows he can't ask you to terminate for that reason and plenty of others, and he is anxious and wants to offload about how stressed he is (which I understand) and blame you for it (which I don't given that you can't get pregnant without someone turning up to the party with sperm). He could also have insisted on having the snip - why did he think you didn't want him to have it? If he knew you wanted a third he must have realised that if you did fall pregnant by accident you'd really struggle to terminate.

I'm not saying don't be understanding about his anxiety. This pregnancy is massively wanted by me and my husband and we're still both anxious about bits and pieces occasionally. I'm going to be the main breadwinner when I go back to work so I totally understand the pressure he feels. But I am saying you shouldn't sit there feeling like you've betrayed him or tricked him, because you haven't.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 02-Nov-17 20:15:04

PS if he makes it clear that he does want a termination - do not let him (a) push you into one if you don't want one or (b) push you into telling people the pregnancy ended for some other reason. That's really not fair.

PPS I'm sure he's lovely when he's not really stressed so please don't take what I've said about his attitude to this personally - I'm not LTBing you!

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