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Unplanned, supposed to be moving to Oz. What to do.(17 Posts)
I am in my late 20s, in a stable happy relationship that we were planning on moving to Australia from UK next year. My partner is Australian and so we thought we wanted to try out life on the side of the planet before we make a choice on forever.
Now, I find myself accidentally pregnant and very confused.
Firstly I want to start by acknowledging how incredibly lucky we are, and I don't take for granted how easily pregnancy has come to us.
This is earlier than we would have liked, I would be due only a few months after our intended arrival in Oz and I'm not sure what to do.
I so want to be a Mum, I have always been broody and longed for a family, but I also want to do it the best I can and so had intended to wait a bit longer and have a plan.
Any advice on how certain we should be on either decision (either going ahead with pregnancy or termination) before we do it?
What we should consider with moving to another country to very soon after have a brand new baby?
What I should consider before becoming a first time Mum on the other side of the world to my own family?
I am so confused - and I know how important it is to make the right decision, I just don't know how to come to that decision.
Don’t really have any advise to offer as I can appreciate your struggle with this but just wanted to say I really wish you the best and hope you figure it out soon, everything happens for a reason
Heck out maternity policies in Australia they used to be non existent - if you have family close by now in thenUK I’d be inclined not to move in the first few years as it’s hard and help is useful - I did it alone with husband only most of the time so not impossible but wish my in laws had been more receptive to being helpful
and at least s but nice from time to time! And my parents are dead so no help there
tbh i think that you will find it harder to move after you have had the baby. if you want to try Oz then probably best to just go for it.
Be aware that if you move there with a baby or have a baby out there you will not be permitted to return to the UK without your partner's permission.
Personally i would stay in the uk and have the baby.
If the move is definite I would move before baby comes
I would change your plan so that you move in a few years. Is there any reason why it has to be so soon?
I think you need to decide whther you want a baby right now separate to the Australia issue. Then decide whether to move or not.
I'm a dual British and Australian citizen currently living in Aus, but had my ds in the UK. If you are at all close to your family I'd recommend staying in the UK for the first few years if you do keep the pregnancy as it can be a huge adjustment and moving internationally may make it harder. Having family around can be very helpful during the transition. You would of course meet many people through having a baby (eg you can be placed in a "mothers group" by the health visitor equivalent - I had one with second dc and made great friends) but it can also be quite lonely at times being at home with a baby.
Another thing to consider is that if you had the baby out here in Aus or moved out with the baby and your partner and then you decided you wanted to move home after a few years (eg if your relationship broke down) you would need your dp to agree to you taking the baby with you out of the country. You wouldn't be able to legally remove the baby from Aus without his consent (as it would now be the baby's normal home). Just something to keep in mind.
Unless you have private health care already in the UK that you can transfer over to an Australian policy, you won’t get private health care that will cover your pregnancy as their is a standard one year wait period. There is a reciprocal agreement in place between the NHS and Medicare, but I’m doubtful that it stretches to maternity.
I’d also check with Immi that you can even enter on a visa whilst pregnant as there are rules around how much you can ‘cost’ the Australian government medically.
As a poster mentioned above, you also need to be mindful of The Hague convention with regards to removing your child back to the UK if your partner refuses to let the baby leave.
I grew up in Australia but moved to the UK where I got married and had children. My first piece of advice is if you can give birth in Australia do it! Australian healthcare is very good, especially compared to the butchery that goes on in NHS hospitals. As for raising children Australia is a great place to raise children with one exception. The weather is nice, the quality of life in terms of town planning, work hours etcare all much much better over there but the quality of education at the top doesn't compare. That is to say that there is no Australian competition to the likes of Eton and Harrow but if you are not planning on sending them to a top public school then you are better off in Australia. Private education is much more affordable thereabd comes in a range of prices from just a couple grand a year to 40k. I would strongly reccomend sending them to a private school if you do move to Australia. Like Britain state schools there vary in quality. The only good primaries are in very expensive areas and the money is better spent living somewhere a bit more reasonably priced and going private. Fir secondary school there are a few good selective state options that usually don't have issues regarding catchment areas (all selective admissions are made regardless of where children live). Generally speaking, look for a school whether state or private that offers IB for the best.
It really is a great place to raise children, we regularly have 'fuck it let's move down under' discussions. If you have any questions you are welcome to pm me.
Thank you all so much for your advice. It's true what they say about the wonders in the world of Mums Net.
Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment. Luckily we do have a bit of time to think before we make a decision about the pregnancy.
My partner is very supportive and has said that he will support me whatever - but the responsibility of that scares me - I don't want to force him into something. But then I can't figure out whether this decision should ultimately be made based on my gut feeling and what is the considered feelings of everyone else around me (him first, family second) if they are different to mine...
And then the Australia thing makes it even more complicated! Part of me thinks we should consider them separately but then their so interconnected that that's hard...
put australia to one side.
how do you feel about becoming a parent now?
how do you feel about termination?
what does your partner really and genuinely feel. i get the whole"i'll go with whatever you want' but in a proper grown up long term relationship you both need to be totally honest about how you feel.
Wow! Exciting times! I don't see how wanting to move to Australia means termination is an option? Maybe it's just how I read your OP - if you weren't planning on going to Australia, would you still be considering termination?
Personally I'd do it just how you described in your OP - move to Australia, couple of months later have the baby. I wouldn't want to move to Australia once I'd had the baby I don't think. Your partner is Australian - are you moving to the same area as his family? How long have you been together?
I do agree with pp that being pregnant and giving birth in Aus through the public health systemis waaaayyyy better than the NHS (I had one baby in UK through NHS and o e in Aus through the public system, which is free, though I'm not sure if you'd be eligible if you arrive pregnant). The entire experience was so much better in Aus in every possible way and cost me no money other than my taxes.
So to answer some questions.
How do I feel about becoming a parent now? - Daunted, scared, excited, like no matter how hard it would be that I could do it, concerned that my broodiness and romanticism is making me naive.
How do I feel about termination? - Like I feel like its what I should do, not what I want to do.
How is my partner feeling? - At the moment I think he is still figuring about how he feels about it. He is the opposite of me, in that I do all my processing out loud and in great detail, whereas his is all inward and silent. I know he will talk but at the moment he's still being very reserved.
Would I still consider termination if we werent planning on moving? - Tricky to say, if I'd ever run through the what would we do in this situation before now, I always thought I wouldn't, I've always felt like the reasons not to aren't strong enough. Now it's a reality its hard to be as certain.
Are we moving to the same area as his family? - Yes the intention was to live with his Mum the first few months whilst we find our feet. His Dad is also nearby and his older brother, sister in law, 18month old nephew and second niece/nephew due in two weeks are about 40 mins away.
How long have we been together? - We've been together just over a year, everything has moved pretty fast with us. We moved in together in Feb - it just seems to have worked since we met.
Would I be covered by medicare? - I have been doing some research and I think because we would be putting in my partnership visa application on arrival that I would be covered, but obviously I would get this confirmed.
So much to think about and much as I don't want to rush this decision, it feels odd knowing that something is growing and changing inside me with an indefinite future at the moment. I want to get to the point where I'm either taking care of myself as I make what event if we do decide is the right decision wont be an easy one or being excited and happy and start planning for our child. This limbo feeling is overwhelming.
I lived in Australia for several years and as delightful as it is there are some drawbacks. One thing to consider is whether you have been away from friends and family for an extended period before and how you might feel being on the other side of the world. It's quite different from being even in Europe as (unless you are fabulously rich) you need to plan ahead for any return visits and they are a full on event. Moving to a new country can be stressful enough, without adding a new baby into the mix. No doubt you would make friends, but sometimes we need the people that really know us to be around. It might be a heck of a lot of pressure on your DP also, as he becomes your one trusted friend in a big ole country.
I can only speak for myself but I would have the baby in the UK, see how that went for maybe a year and then look at moving. The child isn't going to know or care where they are so it's about looking after yourself and making things as easy as possible. Hopefully your DP has the right to be in the UK without facing the draconian immigration rules that our mental government impose, otherwise I take back what I said and you should move pronto and get settled.
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