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Feeling Anti-Social, irrtiable and anxious - Pregnancy after Miscarriage

(8 Posts)
User45632874 Sun 29-Oct-17 16:23:43

Hi
I'm 18+4 weeks pregnant and feel just like the title of this post says really.
I have read historic posts that confirm that it is not completely unusual to feel anti-social when pregnant but this time (fourth pregnancy, potential 3rd child), I feel it more keenly than before.
I have experienced a late loss - last pregnancy at 20 weeks and I think this is the driving force behind me wanting to hibernate and avoid everyone around me. I have been trying to put my finger on exactly why I feel so bad this time around and my loss is the only reason I can think of.
My last pregnancy (which I lost), I was out and about getting on with things, completely blaise about being pregnant. This time it is a completely different story. I am far more irritable too and don't feel safe to be in polite society because I feel so snappy and edgy. Basically if I could alternate between my books, TV drama's, writing, fridge and bed I think I would be happy. I don't want people jumping up and down and being happy for me at this moment in time - its like it highlights that they don't understand what a horrible, horrible place baby loss can be; I have not reached the point yet where I even have a potentially viable baby and just don't want people following my pregnancy. My loss was very public; I was doing the school run etc. and the news of my loss had a ripple effect around the village where I lived when really I am a very private person, I suppose I don't want the same to happen again.
Does anyone else feel anti-social and if so can you put your finger on why? The irritability etc, I can write off to hormones and anxiety and in a way I suppose it is quite amusing how I am dodging neighbours etc. - it's like, lets see how far I can get without them finding out but now my bump is getting rather large and pronounced. Grhhh! Wish time would just fly by and I realise I've got a lot of work to do to rekindle friendships etc. when I eventually resurface from all of this, that's if the people around me still want to know me but I just feel impatient and frustrated with everything and everyone and looking at facebook and people globe trotting or just getting out and about as usual over half term or just doing things that I am unable to do now that I'm pregnant as left me feeling slightly envious (even though this is not really what I want to be doing) but I feel jealous anyway. It seems that I am far more irrational than usual and can't get my head properly into a pregnancy headspace. I am pleased to be pregnant but I am an older mum and feel that my peers now have older children (age 7+) where as I am starting all over again and was job hunting after being a sahm for 4 years when I discovered I was pregnant again, dc 2 is due to start school in September. I don't know, I just feel ambivalent about all of this but I do know that I would feel beyond distraught if I lost this pregnancy/child now. Living in a weird sort of Limbo at present I guess.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Sun 29-Oct-17 17:27:08

Hi OP

So sorry for your loss flowers I can't imagine how hard that must be, especially when compounded by it being such a late loss.

I've not experienced a loss myself (yet...) but I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and am so ill with it that I've been signed off work and have taken to my bed. The feelings you describe about being antisocial and irritable really resonate with me. Especially the bit about watching Facebook and seeing everyone go about their fabulous business. I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world, but I am utterly, utterly miserable with it all that I am wishing it away. I too am a very private person and have been forced to tell people I'm pregnant way before I'm comfortable with.

I don't equate my situation with that of experience of pregnancy loss. But you describe symptoms that sound like my current state of mind, and I've come to realise that actually, I'm a bit depressed and probably need to speak to someone about it. Hopefully this isn't you, but it maybe worth thinking about.

Did you ever have any counselling or such after your loss? Have you been in touch with The miscarriage association or similar?

User45632874 Sun 29-Oct-17 20:37:43

Thanks, Ner,Ner
Yes, I have received counselling and it was very helpful and can recommend. Not sure if completely depressed but maybe mildly so but haven't stopped all activity - so I'll head off to the supermarket or café to write but just don't want to bump into anyone. Probably the anxiety is the overwhelming issue which is affecting everything else. But I know due to my loss, that I'm certainly not enjoying the whole experience and wishing time away. Sorry to hear you are struggling too, yes we are grateful for the pregnancy but perhaps the whole thing has lost its shine/novelty especially when feeling not too good - you say you are feeling ill, I don't feel really ill just ongoing nausea (though far milder now), upset stomach, not sleeping too well at night - getting up to the toilet and now have another cold albeit mild. Hope things improve for you x I do look back and remember when I was just six weeks, it feels I have come a long way but when I look forward I feel daunted - perhaps best not to look forward then!

MagicFajita Sun 29-Oct-17 20:49:37

Hi op ,
We lost our baby girl at just over 20 weeks last year due to a fatal diagnosis at the anomaly scan, she would've been my third baby. I've now just given birth to a beautiful baby boy and to say that this pregnancy has been stressful is an understatement! Everything has been perfect , the hospital have been amazing and our son is an absolute gift , but yes, we struggled with this one leading up to his birth!

I just wanted to add support and say that your feelings (whatever shape they take) , are normal. Be easy on yourself and know that you're extremely brave to roll the dice again, as it's such a hard decision to make.

Take care and please keep talking about this as your pregnancy progresses.

Congratulations opsmile

User45632874 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:27:17

Hi Magic. Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy x and so sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl x

It's terrifying and I can't work out whether I'm brave or very foolish given my age to be pregnant again and coupled with my infertility diagnosis, I never ever expected to become pregnant again - and have even been given lectures recently by the consultant sonographer about using contraception! I suspect that most people if they found out about my pregnancy, would consider me the former (foolish) to be going down this road again. But which ever way this goes, I won't be rolling the dice a third time and grateful to have two lovely daughters x

I worry about movement and just when I think it is all over again, I feel another movement, a flutter or a small kick. It is particularly difficult at the moment I think because I am approaching the 20 week point - it was at this scan that we discovered that there was no heart beat but I had a strong inkling before we even entered the room. Some things were bungled by my then consultant (although this would not have affected the inevitable outcome) and although I am being very well looked after now - by a different consultant, I am all too aware that things can go wrong overnight.
Yes, it would be good to keep talking. I have changed my username for the time being as I don't even have the courage to join the pregnancy after miscarriage thread thinking that once again I am going to have to announce soon that it is all over for me again. As you can imagine, each week that passes feels like an entire month, I am trying to remember back to when I carelessly sailed through pregnancy but it seems like a dim and distant memory now. Thank you once again for your kind post x

MagicFajita Mon 30-Oct-17 03:03:25

Honestly, I think all decisions made after a loss are brave ones op. Just putting one foot in front of the other initially is heartbreakingly tough.

Also that feeling of thinking your pregnancy could become negative at any point is absolutely exhausting! I felt jealous of ladies that speak about their babies and pregnancies in such certain terms - the women that seem to just know that they are getting their baby at the end of the pregnancy process. I hope that doesn't sound silly.

Anyway I'm ramblingsmile

Do what it takes to stay positive op , and take each day as it comes.

ForeverHopeful21 Mon 30-Oct-17 13:16:11

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. I'm also sorry that it was all very public - especially in a way that was out of your control. I can't think of anything worse. Whilst our stories are different I can relate to being anti-social and irritable.

After many years of infertility, I eventually got pregnant but had a MC at 12 weeks and didn't tell anyone. I'm now pregnant again and currently 16 weeks which is further than we got last time but it's still a massive worry. We have shared news with a small amount of close family and friends but I hate their excitement and can't stand any form of pregnancy / baby chat. I feel I'm being rude when I give them one word answers and then change the subject, so it seems far easier for me to just avoid them!

My DH shared the news with a few of his pals. One of them sent me a message congratulating me and it made me so upset and angry. I wanted to reply saying how awful the past 4 years have been and how they have no idea what we've been through to get to where we are now!!
I'm also sick to death of hearing "are you excited?" when the truthful answer is no. It's weird to be annoyed when people are happy for you - not something I've ever experienced before.

I spent the first trimester pretending that I wasn't pregnant as I wanted to protect myself against another miscarriage. I haven't allowed myself to enjoy it and whilst I believe it's a natural reaction, I'm now trying to look at it in a different light. I don't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy angry and miserable so I try and think about how lucky I am that I'm pregnant again and that at this moment in time my baby is still in there. I've started applying oil to my belly at night time and I find it quite a nice little bonding moment. I sometimes worry that I'm getting too attached when it could still end badly but I also realise that by pushing it all away and pretending it's not happening isn't a very nice way to live either.
My attempted positivity doesn't always work and I'm still wishing away the days / weeks / months but we can only try our best OP.

User45632874 Mon 30-Oct-17 14:11:28

Oh, Forever - Sorry for your loss. And congratulations on your pregnancy - I mean this after years of infertility. I had a few years of secondary infertility and will never forget how much I grieved for what I thought would never be x Thank you for sharing your story so far, it has certainly made me less alone. You are right about pushing things away - no, it isn't a nice way to live at all and I guess we are going to grieve if things go wrong however much we think we have distanced ourselves. I am having extra scans at present and sort of limp between these - psyching myself up before hand then feeling immensely drained afterward as if I've been through a mangle. I always carry my sunglasses with me too, to cover my potentially tear stained face if I get bad news - not many pregnant women think of doing this!
I think it is good to experience positivity however short lived. Feeling negative seems to be easier somehow.
On a lighter note, I met another pre-school mum in the supermarket today (I was wearing my conceal all poncho as usual) but I conducted our conversation standing behind a display of biscuits, so that only my head and shoulders were on display (I am not very tall). I did smile to myself afterwards. I also have to attend a Halloween party (with the children tomorrow) and hoping my many layers of black witch costume will be successful in covering up my bump; did think about going dressed as a pumpkin but the thought of wearing green tights and showing a bit of leg, somewhat put me off!
Thanks also for your reply magic - your advice is certainly wise about taking each day as it comes x

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