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Irritable and Feeling Overwhelmed/Coping with other dcs

(9 Posts)
User45632874 Fri 27-Oct-17 14:47:34

Basically - I am pregnant with dc3 after late miscarriage at 20 weeks two and half years ago.I am an older mum with dcs aged 11 and 4.
Now currently just over 18 weeks and being looked after well by the hospital etc.
DH is great but works full time and does a lot of the housework plus takes the dc's out when he is around.
I am (probably naturally) over protective of my bump and find that taking my younger dc out on my own a complete nightmare especially now it is the holidays. She is full on high energy, no special needs but has no fear, runs off etc. etc. - she has only just turned 4 this month and I have just realised what a relief it is to send her to pre-school each morning (now that I'm pregnant) and let someone else run her ragged. Today, I ended up ranting at my 11 year old (who is amazing with her sister actually) because I am feeling so stressed and unable to cope with younger dc (and constantly cautious of not over doing it etc. etc.). Usually I get by - pre pregnancy fast on my feet and never really expected older dc to lift a finger because I didn't think it fair. Now it seems I am so reliant on her and my dh and it is not a position I am use to being in. We have no extended family, none whatsoever, no-one to take the younger dc. Recently younger dc was at pre-school and older dc had broken up so I took older dc out for the morning to give her some special attention and that was lovely- and so rare. I have struggled with fertility issues and obviously a late loss so I am very grateful to be pregnant again but if I am brutally honest, I am finding it a struggle. After my late loss I suffered ptsd and since my new pregnancy have all but hibernated (or tried to). I have told very few people (and only then, in the last few weeks) because I see myself having to 'untell' my pregnancy when it all goes wrong. I am a sahm and prefer to stay home alone, go to a café/supermarket alone, read, watch TV or write whatever, it just feels like the house is my security. Naturally, this leaves me isolated. Most of my friends are older and have older children and I get the impression that they find my young dc hard going - well she is and that isn't through lack of discipline etc. but now I think how lovely it would be depend on others (I hate asking for help and never really have) but find that I literally have no-one to turn to. Grateful of course for an ever so supportive dh but thinking wouldn't it be lovely if people could take my older dc out for an afternoon for example. Older dc got into a top grammar school and none of her friends from her old primary did, unfortunately her new friends live 20- miles or so away and meet ups take a bit of organizing. Unfortunately, I still experience some nausea, and not always feeling that great and don't know how I will feel on a day to day basis whereas before I would think nothing of driving a fair distance or instigating meet ups. I guess I just feel so much guilt because I am not functioning on all cylinders and have had to take a step back and the dc's are experiencing far more screen time than I would like. It's hard enough getting through these days without having the added pressure of being so hard on myself. On top of that I feel immense irritability from time to time. I just stormed out of the park (obviously taking the dc's with me) because a gormless kid nearly wacked my bump and I was continually worrying what dangers younger dc might get into (eg. climbing too high on very large climbing frame) whilst almost shouting at my older dc to get off her phone (which unless I take her out, she seems permanently plugged into). Sorry, this is a major rant which is not necessarily all pregnancy related but it has made me feel so much better to get it all out and I feel so frustrated that I cannot do what I did (and needed to do) pre pregnancy. Please don't bother posting any harsh posts that's not what I'm after or need whereas I don't mind constructive criticism. I think the main thing for me is to type this all out and maybe find someone who says 'I get this' (or at least some of it). Thanks for reading.

Bella8 Fri 27-Oct-17 18:13:55

Hi, first of all go easy on yourself, you need to cut yourself some slack Hun. You are pregnant; your body is working so hard coupled with running around after two other children must be exhausting. Not to mention all of the hormones, you're perfectly allowed to have a rant and get it all off your chest. I'm a first time Mam to an 8 month old and I'm so tired so I don't know how you do it! You must be Superwoman!! Don't feel guilty for staying home as there will be days where you feel like going out and days where you don't and that's perfectly okay. Don't pressure yourself to feel a different way, I always find it easier if I'm in a stay home mood just to think of all the cool things I can do at home (like have a cosy Christmas movie afternoon complete with yummy store baked goods or some chocolates for example). The moment you stop being so hard on yourself and do more things for you as well as yor 4 yr old you'll start to feel a lot better. You're allowed to rest. I hope when your DH gets in he helps out and you get to put your feet up and have some you time. 🍫🛁

Bella8 Fri 27-Oct-17 18:15:01

your*

User45632874 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:07:16

Hi Bella

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, not long after I typed my post, I realised that I was being extremely hard on myself and not cutting myself much slack. Spoke to dh and he more or less said the same thing. The trouble is when you're hormonal mole hills become mountains. I think I have a black and white vision of the right and wrong way to do things a lot of the time which doesn't help and sometimes the children are happiest just milling around (and enjoying far too much screen time). Feel much better now having had a rant. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am letting my two dc's down - they didn't ask mum to have another baby but hopefully there will be even more love to go around. Yes, dh took over the housework/tea/childcare when he came in. No, I don't have extended family or amazing friends (and wouldn't consider myself to be an amazing friend either due to focusing on my family) but I am fortunate to have a fabulous dh in the support stakes. Just stressed I think by the whole situation - being older + experiencing a late loss have naturally boosted things in the stress stakes. Thanks once again Bella, it was a massively long post to read x

Bella8 Sat 28-Oct-17 07:44:34

No problem at all, I hope you feel alittle better soon. Exactly all the hormones can make everything feel much much worse. When I was pregnant one moment I would cry, the next moment I would feel angry; it must have been crazy for my poor DH having to deal with me but then again can you imagine how men would be if they had to go through the ordeal our bodies go through!?! Sometimes i envy him for getting to go off to work!

Things will change and soon your 4 year old will be in school (if she hasn't started yet?) and you will be able to focus on your new baby and enjoy those precious moments. Maybe on a weekend your DH can take the baby and you can have a girly day out with your two daughters and spend some quality time that is just about them. Your daughters will adjust to having a new baby brother/sister and are at an age where they can help out a little with the baby. I know when I was little I would have loved a baby brother or sister; I had to make do with my dolls! Your daughters will know there's enough love to go around and will adore their new sibling.

I know what you mean as sometimes it's easy to feel like we have to be doing exciting day trips all of the time to entertain children. But like you say often they are happiest just pottering on whether it be playing in the garden or baking/ screen time with Mummy. You already have a full tome jobs taking care of 2 children and then the pregnancy on top of that.

I know now you feel about having no extended family and not the best of friends; I'm in the boat. It's difficult not having wider support especially when all you seem to see is large families with amazing doting grandparents! Me and DH currently have 3 estranged grandparents and an estranged uncle. I only have one brother and would have loved a sister to turn to. Believe me your girls will thank you when their old that they have extra siblings.

You are by no means letting your daughters down; you are giving them an incredible gift. Even if they don't see that at first they will in time. It won't take them long to adjust to a new normal.

Bella8 Sat 28-Oct-17 08:08:57

full time job*

User45632874 Sat 28-Oct-17 20:46:21

Bella, thank you so much for all of your lovely words x Yes two grandparents have died and two grandparents estranged plus one estranged uncle and aunt and one other brother who is raising three teenage boys on his own so the extended family situation is not the best.
I have calmed down a lot since yesterday. The thing is, I suffered a late loss (at 20 weeks - a little boy) just over two years ago, so there is naturally a lot of anxiety attached to this pregnancy (plus I'm in my early 40's) and having to have extra scans and daily injections of fragmin so the pregnancy doesn't really fall into the light hearted category as far as things goes. But at least today, I have told myself to lighten up and the weekend always helps because my lovely dh is on hand and I am very lucky there in many ways so it is not all doom and gloom. Facebook doesn't help - when you watch people globe trotting over half term but I keep in mind that I am very fortunate to be pregnant again (was told after first dc that I was unlikely to have any more children, so dc2 is a miracle and this one could be too) but it is still difficult to believe that there could be a happy ending, I keep expecting things to go wrong. None of my peers are considering more children - they are watching their children grow - the youngest child in this respect is 7, so it is quite isolating for me going through pregnancy now but given my past experience of loss, I sort of prefer it this way. Thank you once again for your lovely, lovely post and for wading through that mamouth first post!

Bella8 Sun 29-Oct-17 08:05:32

You are very welcome, I'm pleased you're feeling a little better. I'm so sorry for your loss; that must have been unbelievably difficult and I can't imagine how truly devasting it must have been. The fact you didn't give up and you've kept going and now you're pregnant is a blessing and it also says to me you're a lot stronger than you realise. Therefore you'll be able to get through all of the changes and even though it may seem difficult to imagine right now you'll get that happy ending and you definitely deserve it! I'm 32 and had my first baby at 31 and my little man is now 8 months old so you're ahead of me and have done amazingly. I don't want to have a second until DS Is out of nappies so god knows how old I'll be. A lot of women are having babies later now and I always think older parents make for wiser parents. I wouldn't have wanted my first young as quite honestly I wouldn't have coped!

I can understand it must be difficult with friends being in a position where their children are growing up and you will soon have a newborn. If they are good friends though they will show understanding and maybe pop in and see you at home. They will make your new situation work and embrace it; if they don't than they're not all that great friends in the first place. It won't be forever and soon you'll be out and about with your 3 beautiful children as they do grow so quick! Once your little one arrives I think you'll struggle to imagine life without him/her (the final piece of your jigsaw puzzle). x

Oh and as for family I've learnt like yourself to just appreciate having a supportive DH and focused on my own little family. The estranged relatives miss out on so much, it's very sad not their loss and downfall.

Bella8 Sun 29-Oct-17 08:05:46

but*

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