Scared about pregnancy and current situation, any thoughts?(10 Posts)
I am not too sure if I have posted in the right section but I am struggling here to know what to do. (sorry for long post) I am 42 years old (please don't judge my age as I am not looking for people to be critical just really guidance ,as I am very confused).
My partner is going to be 50 next year. We moved into a lovely house last year and have a lovely puppy too who is just 10 months old.
My partner has a step daughter who he sees not that often but when he can, a few times a year. We have no children ourselves but when we first met me he said he was quite happy to just see me and have a great life and kids werent really in the equation here. I was never sure myself, until now.
When I reached 40, I had a moment where I thought about my parents leaving and how it would be and felt this empty feeling (hope that doesnt sound selfish) and thought gosh no family of my own as we are really close. Whereas my partner doesnt see his parents and they don't get on at all.
I have been very much into my career, run my own business, financially we are in a good place and have a few skiing holidays and other holidays a year too. Things have been pretty good in terms of lifestyle.
When we had our little pup, I wasnt coping very well at all. I was working from home and felt this was all new to me and felt completely out of my comfort zone which I hated at the time and nearly gave up the puppy, I went through a bad time healthwise too... but now feel she is a blessings and made me think more deeply about children, as trust me I have always been a career girl.
My partner told me he went and got a sperm test done on his own and it was really low however I am not seeing any results as thought they gave you a piece of paper? I am not too sure what to think but asked him if we can do another one which he is happy to do. He said this as he wanted to know if he could have children one day or not and then tells his mum that after this result there may not be any children around him. (we were going through a bad phase and not really talking so it was a strange thing to do) I also just recently had ovarian cysts so just getting these sorted out before I can make sure I am ok too. Things are better than they use to be with pain and health and seeing a new doctor about this...change of diet, less stress and coping much better. I am sure it was stress related.
Im scared, as there are many factors. He works 7am - 7:30pm every week in London with every other Friday off. So its long hours in London. I work from home and would feel that I would have to give a lot of things up like I did when we fist had pup, but I survived and now she is a lot easier and manageable but having a pup is different I know.
My worry is our lifestyles, his and he likes his lifestyle being nearly 50 he has just bought a new motorbike, loves his skiing, his lie ins at weekends and well his life at the moment. We have spoken about adoption too and this is another option if we cant conceive naturally as happy to do this too. He says he is happy to go ahead with either, but something says to me I'm not happy....or not sure?
I know its means giving up a lot of things but its more an out of balance lifestyle and would it break us, as the puppy pretty much nearly did and moving house due to stress so Im being cautious and just sitting things out for another year.
However I'm thinking am I just wanting a child for fear of something or do I feel we are not enough together which is what I am thinking a lot of the times and feel something in me is just not thinking this is enough. But, his life wouldnt change, its whether I would be left to do everything and lose my business in the process?
The other issue is health....would I cope ok? Nobody knows I guess but would I be ok would I be able to adjust?
He is good with the pup I walk her mornings, afternoons and him at night and we walk her together weekends, however its always me getting up Saturday morning early as well as Sunday to let her out whilst he is not budging....(another concern, would he be worse weekends with little one he admits he likes his lie ins?) Its just my instincts to get up and do things for pup as feel, bad. We both work long hours, more so for me at home with clients and with him in London. Sometimes I just get up at the weekends and walk her myself and then head to the gym which is me saying ok if you don't get up ill do it. Then he normally comes with me but I hate leaving her in her crate for too long as she is use to getting out at 7am...he admits he use to walk his old dog at 5am, so I am getting to do more things for her which he is doing now if I ask. He just assumed I was coping, but thinking with men sometimes they need a nudge as they assume you are ok.
Gosh sorry for long post sure not sure why I feel unsure and in limbo?
I think you're unsure because you don't actually want a child. And to be blunt, is it really a prospect anyway?
Hello you may be right however since having the pup something has changed just not sure what is happening emotionally to me you see!
When you say is it really a prospect, what do you mean?
I know you didn't want any judgements based on your ages, but I have to say, I really do feel that 50 is a little too late in life to be having children. He may cope physically and mentally but the way I see it, your child isn't going to be particularly old when his father passes. I'm sorry, I know that sounds so very morbid but I do find it selfish when people settle down so late in life and not thinking about how soon they'll be leaving their children behind.
Physically you'll probably cope too. It won't v easy, far from it. I've just turned 24 and am about to have my second child (two born 12 months apart) and to be frank, my body already feels like it's falling apart so I couldn't possibly imagine doing this in 20 years time. That said, there are plenty of women in their 40's that do it, you just get on with it i suppose.
I'd have to question whether you do genuinely want a child and a family or if you're just doing it out of fear and to fill a void. Would you be going through with this for the right reasons?
Sorry if any of that come across rude and I realise I left a lot of your questions unanswered. It just seems like you aren't fully 'feeling' the idea of becoming a mother.
Owning a puppy and having a child are completely different, so I wouldn't try to gauge his commitment to a child via his commitment to your puppy lol
You sound like a very 'together' couple and I think you'd cope just fine in THEORY as long as you remember that it's normal to feel like you aren't coping and you can't give a baby back like you wanted to give your puppy back. Your life won't be the same for a few years (or forever) so it's upto you both whether or not you're willing to happily sacrifice your skiing holidays and way of life for a little person. Many aren't and that's okay.
Don't have a child for the sake of it just because you feel like you should have had kids (lots of people don't) but if you feel like this is something you truly want then you need to ask your partner if he's REALLY up to it, 50 is the age people usually become grandparents and chances are he doesn't have a lot of energetic years left.
You don't sound like you're committed to the idea of being a mother and are just trying to go through reasons of why you shouldn't have a child, there's nothing wrong with not wanting a child. A LOT of people don't want kids or they have them and regret having them. You're still every bit as valid as everybody else. Maybe you just need another puppy!
Thank you, think what you have both mentioned is true, its not so much my partner hitting 50 or being too old as our friends are this age and just had children, she is 44 and he is 51, but she is knackered but she has wanted a child for years, whereas I wouldnt say I have, its more a fear of something, the pup has actually brought this out in me funnily enough.
I do love my life as it is and its just this feeling, maybe its a case of just slowing down and enjoy and see what happens next instead of thinking its time for something as body clock ticking?
I do feel sad though at the moment looking at people's children and thinking is there something empty I am missing out on here? x
At 42, that ship may have sailed. You can analyse it in great depth, but it hasn't happened and the only way to find out if it will even happen is to just go for it if you want and see what happens.
When you say is it really a prospect, what do you mean?
Well if you're 42 and he's 50 with a low sperm count, you're likely to be looking at needing assistance ti get pregnant, and you don't sound nearly committed enough to the idea for that.
Nothing in your posts sounds like you have any real desire for a child, just a vague fear of missing out. Which is a terrible reason to have a baby.
I’d say just enjoy your puppy. I think if a puppy felt like too big a commitment then a baby would be a step too far. You can continue to enjoy your life pretty much as it is with a dog, but with a baby your whole world will change. I don’t actually have a baby yet but I’m pretty sure my extensive puppy experience won’t help and I know they’ll be a lot of days where I’ll wish I stuck to the puppies. In my experience owning a dog has meant very little sacrifice on my part for big rewards, a baby I expect ill be pretty much giving up my life as I know it. Also you mention worries about how much your partner would help you, I think the fact your even factoring that into your decision is a bad sign.
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