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Am I just hormonal or is DH being a kn*b?

(23 Posts)
ForeverHopeful21 Tue 24-Oct-17 18:59:49

My DH is a great guy and we're so overjoyed to be having a baby after many years of ttc and an unfortunate miscarriage. However....

He isn't doing anything extra to help now that I'm pregnant. I'm 15 weeks and quite anxious due to the MC but I pretty much try and get on with things. I run my own business which is stressful & very physically demanding and is now starting to take its toll. We have dogs that I do all the walking for because of the darker days and I do ALL cleaning, clothes washing, grocery shopping etc etc. This has been the case for a long time but now that I'm pregnant I feel angered that he isn't doing more.

He does work extremely hard and he's the main earner (by quite a lot) but he spends most weekends playing sport, socialising and sleeping which I think he feels he deserves for bringing home the bacon. When I mention that I'm tired or struggling with work he tells me to rest but doesn't actually help out. Once when I said how exhausted I was, he told me that I should just be happy that I'm pregnant angry ....as if I was being ungrateful!!!

Am I expecting too much thinking that he should do more just because I'm pregnant???

SundayLunchHappy Tue 24-Oct-17 19:05:22

So he's not doing his bit around the house because he earns more hmm

Please have a serious conversation about your feelings before baby arrives! Will he expect you to be even more responsible for your house/dogs because you're on "maternity leave"?

CuriosityDoor Tue 24-Oct-17 19:06:42

He definitely needs to be doing more. If he’s like this now, how will he be when the baby is here??

You should at the very least get him to clean the bathroom, the fumes can be over powering with pregnancy nose!

Just sit down with him and say you need his help as this baby and life you’ve chosen is both of yours and you both need to work at it.

expatinscotland Tue 24-Oct-17 19:07:57

Unless you want to be one of those domestic martyrs who thinks all lifework is your job because 'he works a full day' then you need to nip this in the bud now. I'm not a fan of marrying people who think 'bringing home the bacon' is a get out of life free pass, much less procreating with such a person, but that's a moot point for you now.

First of all, pulling your weight in life, not just in work, is not 'helping'.

'When I mention that I'm tired or struggling with work he tells me to rest but doesn't actually help out. Once when I said how exhausted I was, he told me that I should just be happy that I'm pregnant angry '

You answer, 'Not good enough! Baby and I need a partner, someone who's fully committed to this family. Life is different for everyone when a child arrives, we need to talk about how we divide the lifework.

And then you do just that. He doesn't step up, it doesn't get done.

And don't make it all he does the bins or mows the lawn, shit that's done every few weeks, a mix of daily and non-daily tasks for both.

This needs nipped in the bud or you'll be expected to do all lifework and run your business, too.

Silverthorn Tue 24-Oct-17 19:10:39

Well your life would be a lot easier without this deadweight around your neck, especially with a new baby. Why on earth did you take on the role of being his cook, cleaner and pa instead of the role of his wife and partner?

RavingRoo Tue 24-Oct-17 19:13:05

Have you actually asked him to do housework, or have you just hinted it? If he still says no, yabnbu to request a cleaner.

ForeverHopeful21 Tue 24-Oct-17 19:36:01

It's only since I started my own business (which is from home) that things changed. At the same time he also started a new job which was far greater responsibility and longer hours so I think things naturally changed to me doing more and him doing less. I gave up a well paid job to do what I'm doing now and although I've taken a pay cut, I'm a lot happier. He's been very supportive over it but I think my own guilt meant that I took on more at home. He used to at least do the food shopping and cooking but now that he gets home so late in the evenings I find that I'm doing that as well!

He will do errands like go to the post office for me, put petrol in my car, take things to the tip - when I ask him to, but he doesn't do anything in the house other than maybe empty the dishwasher once in a blue moon. I find that my mood swings are becoming more frequent and then he gets annoyed because I'm moaning!

I just assumed that things would now change when I'm clearly struggling but he doesn't seem to think that being pregnant changes anything. You're all right, I need to have a word! Maybe when I'm calm though and not ranting.

ChocolatePancake Tue 24-Oct-17 20:08:08

Hmmmmm. He sounds like a complete waste of space. Why do people think that bringing home money earns them the right to be lazy? It doesn't! It's just a basic requirement for living!
I've recently quit my job and my OH does absolutely everything when he's home, he works away a lot but when he's here I never get the chance to lift a finger before he's done everything! Sometimes I try start dinner early just so I don't feel as useless and get in there before him lol... I also have two children (6 & 11) who aren't his but who he teaches new things whenever he gets a spare chance... he goes above and beyond, especially right now, because he knows I'm not feeling great so he does it just to try and make my life a little easier and better. THATS what your OH should be doing!
You need to have a word with him, I understand it's difficult for men to understand how we feel during pregnancy but it's exhausting for the most part - we get little spurts (if we're lucky) of energy later on, but for the most part we're exhausted... and you're only 15 weeks, can you imagine when you get to 20..30+... and he's still not helping?! He's putting a lot of pressure on you.
It's 9 frigging months (plus few month newborn stage) of stepping up, being a decent human and doing more than he usually does, then you'll be helping more, but until then he should grow a pair!

Ploppie4 Tue 24-Oct-17 20:39:56

Personally I’d just stop cooking, doing his clothes washing, hovering, food shopping, the lot. Let everything grind to a halt and only match the hours he puts into domestic work. You are entitled to the same number of hours doing rest/relaxation/hobbies/sport

Ploppie4 Tue 24-Oct-17 20:41:51

I’d also only cook for myself. A jacket potato or whatever and leave him to his own devices.

TeachesOfPeaches Tue 24-Oct-17 20:46:11

You're only 15weeks OP and it's already like this confused It gets much worse because when you're on mat leave the blokes think you're on an extended holiday when you're actually dying from exhaustion.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Wed 25-Oct-17 11:28:18

Contrary to other posters, I'm ok with DH doing less around the house than I do. I work shorter hours than he does, have flexibility to work from home and he totally supported me (financially!) so I could have a year at home with ds when he was born.

He leaves the house at 7:30am and quite often isn't back until after 9pm and may well still be dealing with emails at that point. He helps out on weekends but I don't ask him to do anything in the week. But we also outsource a lot: cleaner once a week, nanny who will do bits and bobs and online shopping.

However, when ds was tiny I had to teach dh that my hours were actually longer than his! My job was 24/7 whereas he got weekends (we didn't have a nanny until I went back to work). That was a hard realisation for him particularly because (like many bread winners) one of his key responses to becoming a new dad was to feel the huge weight of financial responsibility.

It's a transition for everyone. I would suggest being very clear about what you need, stop doing things that are too much for you but also be understanding that it may take him a little while to 'get it'!

Chestervase1 Wed 25-Oct-17 11:32:54

Can you afford some help? Maybe a cleaner, gardener or odd job man. Can you get help in your business for a couple of days a week. There is only so much you can do on your own.

ChocolatePancake Wed 25-Oct-17 11:33:25

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore , lots of people feel financial burden but it doesn't mean they can do nothing. We can't all afford nannies and cleaners like you, so perhaps you aren't feeling the full brunt of being expected to do everything for somebody who won't lift a finger

Quartz2208 Wed 25-Oct-17 11:37:49

Yep he is but he has passed too much onto you pregnant or not

Lozmatoz Wed 25-Oct-17 11:40:03

Sometimes you need to spell it out to them. Tell him what you need/want from him. Take him along to a midwife app and get them to explain the pressures of being pregnant. My OH usually responds better when he hears it from someone else.

ibentmywookie Wed 25-Oct-17 11:40:06

Get a cleaner, and stop being a martyr.

He should have been doing his fair share before you got pregnant, I'd work on trying to get him to realise that now, don't wait until you have a newborn. Have a week of just doing your laundry and cooking your own meals, he'll soon work out where the washing machine is when he runs out of clean pants.

My partner also works hard long hours, and earns more than me, but we are completely 50/50 on domestic stuff/admin and dd's care. We both work ft, and I am not his mother.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Wed 25-Oct-17 13:23:47

ChocolatePancake I would do it if we couldn't have a cleaner. There's no way I would expect DH to be cleaning the house at 10 o' clock at night when I could do it at 6!

ChocolatePancake Wed 25-Oct-17 13:39:18

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore if you don't know how it would feel then don't comment. "I would" means nothing unless you're in the situation. Also the post wasn't about her partner cleaning everything it was about helping out. If your husband won't do ANYTHING then he's a waster, simple as that. If he can't be arsed spending 5 minutes when he gets home doing something to help out then hes taking you for a ride. He's supposed to be a man, a dad, a husband... not somebody who does less than a child is expected to do. And what sort of thing is that to show your children? That relationships aren't equal and it all falls on mummy unless you can pay for it. Good times.

She clearly wanted some support and not somebody jumping in about how she does everything for her husband or you pay somebody to do it. She's OBVIOUSLY not coping as well as the mother who has a paid nanny and cleaner. Go figure

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Wed 25-Oct-17 14:15:31

Given she says that her partner is a great guy and they are having a baby together, I'm really not sure that OP needs everyone piling in telling her that he is awful and a waste of space.

If you read my post, you will see that I didn't begin to suggest that her partner shouldn't do more - of course he should. My dh doesn't do nothing - I just cover the stuff Mon-Fri as he works longer hours than I do. You will also note that I didn't have a nanny and a cleaner while I was on maternity leave and that I viewed my hours as being longer than dh's during that time. I still did a lot during the week because I would view dh cleaning the house at 10pm as a step too far and he would have woken up the baby.

The point I am trying to make is that during pregnancy, maternity leave, the first years of a new baby, behaviour patterns often do need to change especially where (as in the case of the op) the person having the baby has been doing everything. But I think that this change (unless miraculously both partners just 'get' exactly what needs to change instantly) often happens gradually and it's better for everyone if it happens in a collaborative, non-combative way.

I also think that if work is not split 50/50, domestic tasks shouldn't be either. The important thing is that everyone pulls their weight. During the week dh and I are both busy from about 7:30am until 9pm - he is at work the whole time, I am at work for about 10 hours and spend the remaining time sorting out things at home. To me, that seems fair.

dangle90 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:20:28

I’m 29 weeks pregnant with twins now and really struggling to do things. Please have a word with him calmly and say your going to start needing his help, otherwise your really going to struggle once you get further along. I don’t know what I’d do without my partner now, he walks the dog, makes tea, and all sorts. I do hope he bucks his ideas up for you

mustbemad17 Wed 25-Oct-17 21:04:14

Wow some high horsey comments here!
Me & my OH are having our first baby together BUT i have a five year old from a previous relationship. I handed my notice in at work recently & now spend my days at home whilst he works long hours either early shift or lates. Whether he leaves at 4.45am or arrives home at 10.45pm he is ALWAYS supportive. Currently I am really struggling with morning sickness & general exhaustion, so have taken the attitude that little & often regarding the house is the best approach. He will come home tonight to find no washing done, no housework done & me looking like utter crap...but I have managed to sort dinner out for the small one & done enough for him to take to work.

If your partner cannot come home & a) appreciate the little things you HAVE done and b) realise that growing a teeny tiny version of them is fricking hard work then you need to give his head a wobble. Sit down & write a list of EVERYTHING that needs doing in the house, be it daily or weekly. Let your standards dip a littlw if you have to; nobody is going to care if you hoover every other day! Then sit down with him & discuss it calmly. If you can, do shopping online; outsource bits if you can afford to (i wish!). Work out what is important & what can fall to the wayside.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter who brings the money in. You're meant to be a partnership, you are not his skivvy. Don't feel guilty about getting him to help...and if he won't then get selfish!! You cook for yourself & any small people; you wash for you & them. He'll either get mad & throw a strop - in which case I'd suggest you might need a whole rethink - OR he will realise that that advert about the magic table/wash basket/kitchen counter is absolute boll**ks!! Much luck xxxx

DeadDoorpost Thu 26-Oct-17 01:14:54

My DH has to do a lot in 1st trimester because I was so ill that getting out of bed to do things would knock me sideways for a few days so I'd practically sleep for 18 a day.
And now I'm 4 weeks away he's doing more too because I can't physically do some things. Doesn't mean I don't try and do then nut he tells me to stop pushing myself.

If you need help, you need to talk to him about it and let him know how much help you need. It's usual to have periods where you'll be exhausted and sometimes, just ignoring housework for a bit to let yourself breathe if you can helps (the washing up got done every other day rather than every day etc and laundry became less frequent for a while). But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be helping when he can.
Hopefully he'll step up and help you OP. My DH took a little convincing currently but that's mainly coz he knows I just don't want to do some jobs atm even though I'm capable. The standing for ages is a killer though..

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