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My parents will be dissapointed when I reveal my pregnancy.

(12 Posts)
Daisy92 Tue 24-Oct-17 10:14:42

Okay, so here's the basic details. I'm 25, in a three-year relationship with the love of my life, and I work full-time. Six months ago I moved back to my parent's house in order to save for the deposit of my own house, and it's going well. I've also just finished writing a book, and fingers crossed, it's looking promising that it should be published within the next six months. I'm happy, and I feel that I'm doing well.

Similarly, I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant and I'm ecstatic! My partner and I saw our baby for the first time a couple of days ago and it was magical. However, I'm not currently able to share this happy with news with anyone else, which is sad.

The issue: my parents - in particular, my mother. She jeers at others my age who have children, and she'd be disappointed to learn of my own pregnancy. In fact, she'd be nothing short of horrified.

As I'm currently still living with her she's become suspicious. She's noticed that I'm not drinking, and that I've began to cook more nutritious meals for myself. I'm also beginning to show, and there's only so many baggy jumpers that I can wear before it becomes obvious. Last night she sat me down and made me promise that I'm not pregnant "because that would be terrible" apparently. I denied it, and ended up crying myself to sleep, feeling terrible.

My partner and I have a substantial amount of savings between us, and our original plan was to find somewhere for us both as I hit my third trimester. That gives me a bit more time to save, plan, etc. Financially, we'll be fine. Emotionally, we'll be fine. My mother however, is another matter entirely, and my father will mimic her behaviours.

I'm petrified. Has anyone else ever experienced something similar to this? If so, how did you cope?

DinoMania Tue 24-Oct-17 10:32:21

Hi,

Firstly I am sorry you're going through this emotional time. Relationships with parents are important and upsetting when there's friction there.

My mum freaked out massively when we first told her. She had also guessed so she was even more fuming when we told her finally. It wasn't until I asked her to be my 2nd birthing partner and got her more involved that she slowly swung round. She's still make snide comments though. But now my son is 4 months she's so besotted with him and regularly baby sits. I do have to keep reassuring her that my career is my focus and we are happy to be a family though!

You're mum may be angry at first but hopefully she'll swing round too xx

PhuntSox Tue 24-Oct-17 10:33:05

Can you move out soon? If they are going to be horrible you need to be away from them for a while. Take control. Congratulations on your lovely news flowers

Expectingbsbunumber2 Tue 24-Oct-17 10:46:49

You sound like your doing really well and in a very stable relationship. Your mum should see this and see you and you're partner are happy. I know it's hard but if she's negative you just have to ignore it. It's your life x

Lilacpenny1 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:03:19

I'm glad you've shared your story here - hopefully you can find the wisdom and support you need. Firstly can I congratulate you at having your life so together at 25. It sounds like you have achieved so much, and the fact that you have found happiness with your partner, and that you are expecting a baby, and that you're both over the moon and prepared for the responsibility, is fabulous. I am 33 and pregnant with my first baby, but I have a colleague who is 27 who has just had one and I can see how even those few years difference means she has more energy than me to give to her baby. Being a young mum has many advantages! It must be awful to be hiding this secret when you know (or can anticipate) your mum's reaction. I am 21 weeks pregnant and the thing I am learning is that now I am already a mother, and I have to protect my unborn child from any family stress, so I am reducing my exposure to it and just focussing on growing my little one (I'm not saying it's easy to do but that is my approach). Your parent's home may not be the best environment for you to be in right now, when all you want to do is delight in your journey. I would say the sooner you can sit your parents down (and I say parents so that your dad can hear the version you tell, not what your mum reports back) the better for you I would have thought? If they surprise you and are ultimately supportive, then great. If not, you need to take yourself out of that environment. Remember you are an adult now, not a child! If they take a while to get used to the idea, that's their issue, not yours. Perhaps make a plan of where you can stay for a few days on the day you speak to them, so you have somewhere supportive straight to go to if they upset you in any way. When they see you gone it might trigger them into being more supportive - they may take a few days to digest it and ask you to come home if they want to support you. And if not, then that's not somewhere to be now is it?! Good luck and don't worry and be calm and strong XXX

Nothingrhymeswithfamily Tue 24-Oct-17 11:07:38

I had an almost identical situation, i told her early when i knew (the morning sickness was awful!) and she was awful, she wouldn't discuss it would just tut. I had to hide away and not talk about it. She would make sly bitchy comments about it. I would have to hide any books or baby stuff as it would just cause friction.
I stayed in the hope she would come round, but she didn't. It put so much pressure on me and my partner.
Now my DD is here (and we are a good few years on) I've never forgiven her, it should have been a lovely experience. Yes circumstances and timing was off, but babies are a wonderful blessing.
When baby arrived i wouldnt ask her help or support because she had a "you've made your bed" attitude so i wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction. I was very much on my own when it was a time i should have been closest to her.
I loved being pregnant but my mum made it awful and i can't forgive that.
I can't tell you the resentment i feel when she's all over my DD now.

So if i had my time again, I wouldn't stick around for her to come round, she didn't. and it really put a sadness over my pregnancy and put a strain on my relationship with my partner. Tell her, be proud. You know what your doing. Enjoy your pregnancy it is a wonderful thing.

As for the house, as someone who is renting with a child it is really really crap, my advise would be to buy somewhere before they start school thats when you need to put the roots down. Before that you could get away with somewhere tiny with cheap rent that would enable you to save, even if it takes you longer.

Incidentally i met a mother who had reacted as mine did recently, i asked her if she saw much of her grandson or did much baby sitting. she said "no, welllllll, she decided to have him" she then ranted on a bit about it . And i thought you absolute bitch, thats your grand child your shunning, thats your daughter whose life you could make easier but you chose not to in the hope she fucks up and you can say "told you".
When she's old and doddery and her grandson doesn't give a shit, she will only have herself to blame. The daughter appears to be doing really well, she now lives with her partners family and they adore their grandson, do loads of baby sitting and support them.

Good luck, and congratulations.

AlexsMum89 Tue 24-Oct-17 11:15:34

I'm so sorry that your mum is making you feel this way. Parents can be so cruel sometimes. You really aren't too young and you sound like you've got yourself set up well.
If it helps to give a comparison, I'm 28 (only 3 years older than you), own my home, am married, already have a 7 year old DS, have worked full time and lived away from 'home' since I was 16, qualified as a chartered accountant with said small child and full time job in tow and now I'm expecting baby no. 2. Everyone is delighted for us and so they should be.
It wasn't the same when I was 20 and expecting DS. I was still married, owned my own home and had a full time job then. But certain family members were less than supportive and made it clear that they both didn't approve and didn't think I would be able to cope.
The fact is, their opinion is irrelevant really. You don't need their approval, you don't need to adopt their views as your own and they will come around when the baby arrives. Nobody seems to remember the nasty comments they made to me about my son when I was pregnant, in the face of a delightful, well rounded and well supported boy.
It's sad though, there are a lot of people that say and do nasty things to pregnant women (eg. it would be better to get rid etc) but then expect full involvement once the baby arrives.

WrittenandGrown Tue 24-Oct-17 14:56:28

Congratulations you sound like you will be a great Mum. I agree with a PP move out earlier if you can.

ashaj92 Tue 24-Oct-17 15:23:47

Im in a bit of a different situation but I do understand where you’re coming from.
I’m 25, 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby. Me and my boyfriend have been together 9 years, engaged for almost 3, and (until I went on maternity leave) both worked full time and we own our own home also. Baby was sort of planned but we weren’t sure we were going to be able to conceive due to other problems, so in a way a good surprise when it did happen! 😊
My parents weren’t disappointed about the pregnancy, especially as it’s the first grandchild on their side, but sadly my mum too has been a nightmare. Anything and everything I do I feel is wrong in her eyes. If she isn’t the first to hear about something baby-related, she kicks off. I decided to have my sister instead of her as a second birthing partner, again, which she is fuming about.
It gets to the point where you really do have to be a bit selfish and just do what’s best for you. Don’t get me wrong I love my mum and normally we have a great relationship, she’s just so hard to please! But I think at times it’s easy for parents to forget this is our moment now and, as adults, we have every right to make our own choices about our own little families.
Personally I think you really should be honest about the pregnancy, the longer you wait the more upset she’ll be that you kept it from her, and it sounds as though she may already have an inkling there’s something going on anyway. Once it’s out in the open it gives you all a chance to clear the air and you never know, she may surprise you and be really happy about it? And you’ll finally get a decent nights sleep too, all this stress is so not good for you or baby x
Best of luck to you all, hope you do get it sorted flowers

Hill1991 Wed 25-Oct-17 11:33:44

Your 25 not 15, it sounds like that she doesn’t want you to move on or progress with your life, when you do tell her that your are pregnant you need to tell her that if she has anything negative to say to keep it to herself, don’t let this spoil your pregnancy. Hope she has a better reaction than you think that she is going to

Soon2bemum2017 Wed 25-Oct-17 12:09:30

I'm sorry you are going through this OP

Is there any way you could move out a bit earlier than planned? It won't solve the issue but it would mean you don't have to feel trapped with your mother.

FWIW im 24 and i've just had my 1st LO and it's a perfect age... DH is 28 and says that looking back now would have been happy to have a baby earlier than we did if he'd not been made to feel scared about being too young.

I did however feel very self conscious throughout my pregnancy as i look quite young and random members of the public liked to comment on that fact.

Your mother already knows you are pregnant though, i can assure you that 100%. My mum asked me a day after i found out at 4 weeks. They have an instinct!

24carrot Wed 25-Oct-17 12:28:08

Congratulations! I think it's wonderful that so much has come together for you by the age of 25 and you are becoming a mother at such a relatively young age.

You are obviously very close to your mum and unfortunately the downside of that is that sooner or later you will find yourself in a situation where you need to assert your independence from her that will risk upsetting her. It sounds like it's about to happen to you when you tell her about the baby - you already know this, I think! I don't want to sound patronising but it is just part of becoming an adult and making your own way in life. It's also part of being a mother - you will face many situations along the way where others question your choices and you need a thick skin to brush them off and stick to your guns.

I assume your mum likes your partner? Perhaps you could tell her together, to reassure her that this wasn't some terrible accident and he is fully behind you. I wish you all the very best x

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