Hi everyone, please excuse the long post. I am going through hell and feel like I am losing my mind as I try to decide on whether to terminate or not - i have days left. I would really, REALLY appreciate anyone taking the time to read this as time is sprinting and I haven't slept properly in months as I try (and fail) to wrestle out any clear answer.
I am - completely unplanned due to contraception mistake - 12 weeks pregnant. The father and I had split up weeks before I found out - We had been together on and off for about 10 months but I ended it for a very good reason - he really brought me down as he suffers from chronic Aspergers and depression and I was very often the 'carer' to his dark moods when he couldn't leave the house and completely shut down. After attempting to be with him for some time I had done a lot of thinking and therapy and learnt that I must make better choices for myself romantically so I was optimistic and focused on a new start. So it was a massive, horrifying shock to us both. Nothing about this has been positive or exciting and I am full of panic - I ALWAYS said that if I were to have a baby, it had to be when I was a) financially settled (I am not at all - see below) and b) in a relationship with someone I wanted to make a baby with and who could support me (this is sadly the opposite of that) I have never been pregnant before, and If I am honest assumed it was just never going to happen and had started to come to terms with that as I love my job as a freelancer which is challenging, meaningful and allows me to travel a fair bit (though not well paid)
I now have a chance to 're-set' my life, and my GUT tells me that I absolutely shouldn't have a baby with this man and I should be kind to myself and let it go - I should add that I am also very concerned about the inheritance of his spectrum disorder on the baby, which has been very life limiting for him and I am terrified of how to cope with that. But, I am 38, and a termination is going to be horrific for anyone but at this age I have no idea if its my last chance. I haven't slept the night through in 8 weeks. I always said if it happened now I would probably have to go through with it - but this is so so far from what I imagined. I recently did an AMH test which came back as a good/normal result for my age which is something, but still doesn't make a termination any easier, to be honest - but at least theres hope I have a few years left. Anyway, I have 5 days to decide.
The three huge issues are that firstly: financially, there is no way I could do this on my own (I don't own a house, can't afford to rent on my own only house share - I would need some financial support no matter what but I fear it would be a toxic situation where he is 'forced' to do it) so I would be chaining my life - and that of the baby's life - to someone who has suffers from serious mental health issues for whom I have in many ways been the 'carer' for. He wants me to terminate as he cannot cope with the idea of being a Dad but has said that if I cannot then he would do his best - but I am seriously concerned for my health and happiness - and that of the baby - to be chained in life to someone who is a huge drain emotionally and cannot really cope with their own life (he has quit his job recently as well so money is an additional concern)
Secondly: and I think this is a big difference between me and lot of other potential single mothers out there - my mother died when I was a teenager, and my father has suffered from a chronic physical and neurological condition since I was in my twenties. He requires 24/7 care (which I often have to provide) - so obviously, there is no support or capacity there.
Thirdly: Perhaps because of the trauma of the loss and absence of my parents since an early age, I am prone to depression and anxiety (I have been on and off ssri's since I was 18), have very low self-esteem and I am genuinely TERRIFIED that doing this will push me over the edge - and I end up being a terrible mother or worse- having the child taken off me. Combined with the father's own issues - there simply is not enough of a safety net, is there? I had come off SSRI's a year ago but I obviously can't go back on anti-depressants (from what I understand there are too many risks to the baby) - and my feeling is that if i cannot do this 'alone' or naturally then I simply cannot do it at all as I am clearly not well enough. Every day waking up is hell.
I have a group of friends who are trying to support me - but they are all coming from such different perspectives - they are all settled, with house, married and are putting on pressure that this will change my life. But what if it destroys it? The one friend I know who has been in my situation agrees that termination is the right thing to do, but everyone bleeting on about how it will be worth it all is destroying my peace of mind.
The risks of having this baby seem immense - though I am of course terrified of the regret of termination - I am someone who thinks too much so this also poses the very real risk of destroying me - but then having this baby under these circumstances may too. I feel like I am caught in a nightmare - and I've been through a lot in my life so that is really saying something. Two weeks ago I went to A and E with a major bleed and to be brutally honest I was flooded with relief as I thought this was all over as was certain it was a miscarriage. I had come to happy terms with it whilst I sat there waiting and then was 'devastated' to then have a scan and see that the baby is safe and well. It breaks my heart - I think I do want a child (just this is the worst scenario I could have dreamt of) and right now EITHER option doesn't feel liveable. I've had therapy, hours of it, in the last month but I still go round and round in circles and I don't feel I can take it much longer. Any advice, at all, appreciated.
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38, single, pregnant - depressed and terrified
17 replies
LucyJocelyn · 19/10/2017 12:39
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xxalexacxx ·
19/10/2017 13:33
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AnUtterIdiot ·
19/10/2017 19:27
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xxalexacxx ·
21/10/2017 23:50
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