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Partner doesn't want our baby:(

(23 Posts)
lydsim25 Wed 18-Oct-17 09:53:24

Hi everyone.. this may be long winded but looking for some advise & outsiders opinion ..
Im 3 months pregnant with 3rd baby and been with partner over a year so it's our 1st together.
I was on the pill do wasn't planned
From day one my partner has told me to have an abortion..
Im now 3 months pregnant.
He seems to want me but not our baby. He still stays at my house every night and has a relationship with me but doesn't mention the baby. When I try & talk about it or the midwife etc hes not interested. He wont even talk about abortions. Just anything baby he says "you know what I feel"
I'm really struggling as it's real to me. I feel very pregnant im going to appointments alone.. I havnt told any of my family im pregnabt because I feel I can't. I'm hiding my belly too. I love my partner I'd move the earth for him and there's nothing that could come our way that would make me make him feel alone.. but he's doing this to me.
He stays at my house every night after work but he's never let me meet his family although iv met his children. Only my best friend knows about my pregnancy & she's very supportive
I'm independant & strong but when im not feeling too well or I have a cry I want someone to share it with but I havnt got that in my partner. He said one day we can have a baby maybe next year but he's not ready yet. ????
I feel if he seriously loved and wanted me he'd find a way.

My question is.. do I stay with him & be pregnant alone and he'll probably start realising reality the further gone i get or do I just leave him & focus on my pregnancy
I don't really want an abortion iv bought 2 children up alone and iv done it well iv got a big enough house etc... it just hurts because I wish he was sharing it with me but he's making me feel isolated & alone

Thanks in advance ladies sorry if I bored you xxx

JaneEyre70 Wed 18-Oct-17 09:58:58

Oh love this must be awful for you. But I also think he's telling you loudly and clearly that he doesn't want this baby. And you need to listen to that. It seems very strange that you've never met his family too. From what you've posted, he's making you very miserable and unhappy and frankly if he can't support you, then you need to boot him out of your life. If you are positive that you can do this alone, you'll manage far better than with a sulking manchild behind you who isn't ready for a baby but already has other children..............
It won't be easy, but someone who loves you doesn't make you feel as you do. This must be horrendous for you flowers.

MeriReu Wed 18-Oct-17 10:08:55

He sounds awful
Why haven't you ever met his family?

He's telling you he doesn't want this baby and making you feel miserable when you should be enjoying your pregnancy and feeling excited.
I'd say leave him and it'll either show him your serious or it'll knock reality into him.

Congratulations flowers

KarateKitten Wed 18-Oct-17 10:13:54

It's a pity he hasn't put his own feelings aside to support you since this has happened but I can see for all involved there's no good answer here.

You can stay with him and hope he steps up once the baby comes or you can plan to go it alone and be ready for no role as a father from him.

He's been clear on his feelings, that he loves you but categorically does not want this baby. Unfortunately for him it's not his choice.

lydsim25 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:14:57

Thankyou for replys xx
I havnt met his family because... I don't know? I always ask him to meet mine but he still hasn't!

I really don't know sad
I feel there must be something wrong with me x

KarateKitten Wed 18-Oct-17 10:16:55

There is NOTHING wrong with you. The man you are with is the way he is. And it's severely impacting you.

You are fine. And will be fine and your baby will be fine. You just have some decisions to make about the baby's father.

NameChange30 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:18:46

There's nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him.

He is telling you loud and clear, through his words and actions, that he's not committed to you or the baby.

Not wanting to meet your family or wanting you meet his was already a bad sign.

End the relationship and focus on yourself, your children and your pregnancy. Tell your family!!

And maybe think twice before letting someone into your life in future if they are going to treat you like this.

Namethecat Wed 18-Oct-17 10:21:11

Are you a different culture or religion to him ? Maybe he's worried about his families reaction. Do you see him every weekend ? Wondering if he could have another family and works away ? Have you stayed at his house ? Has he introduced you to his friends ? These are a few questions I'd be asking myself if it were me.

DonkeyPunch88 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:27:15

Personally I think it’s a bit wrong to keep a pregnancy if both people in the couple aren’t happy about it, however, it’s your body and ultimately also your decision. I do think though your relationship sounds a bit one sided and if you are going to keep the baby then you might have to be prepared to go it alone, not all men will come round to the idea in time.

lydsim25 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:30:11

Hes 20 years older than me for a start..
Aparently he lives with his mum (his kids have confirmed that)
He stays at my house every night apart from the odd night.

Weeks and weeks ago I said I wanted the baby and he disappeared all weekend & ignored my calls as he said he needed space??????

He finishes work & goes back to his mums and cones to my house quite late he never come straight home from work to me...
Never spends a full weekend with me always nipping into work etc...
He said my family don't need to meet him to no how unhappy he makes me cus aparently im always sad x

Mrstobe90 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:34:34

The fact that he won’t let you meet his family is already ringing alarm bells.

If he’s not supporting you now in the easy stages, it’s highly possible that he won’t support you when it gets tougher and when the baby is here.
I’d say focus on being the best Mum you can to your little one and tell the man child where to go.

Secretsthatnevershouldbetold Wed 18-Oct-17 10:35:19

Having read your last post - get rid. I have never said that on here before, but the way I read it: he is not committed to you, and he will never want a baby.

He is not the man for you.

TheFaerieQueene Wed 18-Oct-17 10:37:21

It’s not a relationship really is it OP. Well not in his eyes. I’m very sorry, but I don’t think he is going to support you. Also, what right does he have to tell you to have an abortion?
I would get rid of him and carry on alone. You have done well in the past on your own so keep doing what you did!

Best of luck.

SP00KYLilBucket1 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:40:39

I would get rid of him. He won't meet your family, or let you meet his?. In my eyes it looks very much like he wants you to himself. Unfortunately he can't just choose that he will be ready next year, you are pregnant and you want to have this baby so he either has to step up and be ready now or you leave. Congratulations on your pregnancy❤️

lydsim25 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:41:08

Thankyou everyone you've very much helped me xxx

LoverOfCake Wed 18-Oct-17 10:42:03

Tbh, he's not wrong to not want the baby any more than you're not wrong for wanting it iyswim. Falling pregnant unexpectedly after only a year together would test the strongest relationship, and most would feel that they weren't ready to bring a baby into that equation yet.

However, given you've now decided that you are going to keep the pregnancy you also need to decide whether you want to keep the relationship regardress of how he feels.

With regards to meeting his family, had you discussed the future and where the relationship was heading at all before all this happened? Because if not it's possible that he saw this as something casual, and now that there's a baby in the mix introducing a partner who is also three months pregnant isn't something he had bargained on

You need to decide whether he stays or goes, but equally you need to tell him that if he's staying and wants to be with you then in six months time being with you is also going to involve being a father to your joint child.

It's all very easy to remain detached while the baby is just an abstract to him, but once it's here he won't be able to deny it any longer so if he's not on board with that then he needs to go now.

ShoesHaveSouls Wed 18-Oct-17 10:50:03

Even without the baby in the equation, he is behaving very strangely in your relationship.

Don't fall for the "we can have a baby in a year..." line either. You are pregnant now, and he won't even discuss it with you.

If it was me, I would go it alone and focus on the pregnancy. I think even without the baby in the picture, I would go it alone. thanks

FGSholdthedoor Wed 18-Oct-17 11:30:14

He said my family don't need to meet him to no how unhappy he makes me cus aparently im always sad

How old is he op ? He sounds like a whiny self centred child.

Don't fall for the baby in a year bs.

If he's 20years older than you he must be at least in his 40s yes? So why is he living with his parents? confused

Red flag after red flag.

Namethecat Wed 18-Oct-17 12:49:57

I think that his ' mum ' is really his partner/wife.

lydsim25 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:58:43

I have thought that but then thought surely his kids would say something x

FGSholdthedoor Wed 18-Oct-17 13:01:54

@Namethecat my initial thought was the same when op mentioned he doesn't want to meet her family or for her to meet his and the age gap.... But the kids thing threw me off.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Wed 18-Oct-17 13:08:53

Are you sure he’s not with someone else? His relationship behaviour is very odd and not meeting his family suggests he’s not that serious. He doesn’t want the baby, so leave him. I wouldn’t hang around waiting for him to change his mind. Take the upper hand here and make the decision.

Namethecat Wed 18-Oct-17 13:09:54

If you know the house why not knock on it to see who lives there. You could be vague and say you were involved in a minor accident and a man came to help, didn't catch his name but something like ( a name which sounds like his ) and you want to say thanks. She will say thats my husband/son or no one of that name ,describe him and she might say sounds like my .......... you can say sorry must have the wrong house. Just make sure he isn't in.

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