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Sceptical partner

(26 Posts)
Mangopr1 Wed 18-Oct-17 07:11:10

I've just found out I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned and I myself was shocked and a bit upset at first as myself and my partner have only been together a year and did not plan this so soon. My partner is a lovely man he is so supportive and never got angry or upset with me when I told him I wanted to go ahead with this. But I can just tell he isn't truly happy about my decision to keep this baby. He's been really quiet and keeps asking what we are going to do about things like work etc... I really don't want to bad mouth him. He's truly the nicest man I've ever known and I know he will be there no matter what but I can't help feeling worried myself about the 'logics' of this. I guess my question is did anyone else go through this with a sceptical partner at first and worries about the logics of work and child care etc... after baby is here?! Will he come round? I don't except him to be bouncing off the walls I understand this wasn't planned but I'd like to hope he will eventually accept it and allow himself to be happy about this situation. Thanks

Expectingbsbunumber2 Wed 18-Oct-17 08:22:28

My partner is so excited and can't wait until our boy is here and he always takes interest in how I'm feeling and by the whole pregnancy. Maybe your partner just needs a bit time to get his around it if you have just found out.

elmo1980 Wed 18-Oct-17 09:16:34

Sounds like he needs to get his head around the practical aspects. Might be worth sitting down together and going through how it will work financially, time off work, what things you need to get etc.

My dp was a bit like this with our second as it happened sooner than we had planned but once we had gone through the basics and he realised we could do this he relaxed a lot more.

Good luck and congratulations!

DeadDoorpost Wed 18-Oct-17 09:18:03

My DH took a while to warm up to it even though he wanted kids more than me. He still worries about money and finances but that's because I got pregnant right at the end of uni and then suffered with Hyperemesis so physically wouldn't have been able to come with working anyway even on my meds.

harrietm87 Wed 18-Oct-17 09:36:43

I'm pregnant atm and the baby was very much planned and wanted - been with DH for 8 years and have had 3 mcs. And yet there have still been times when I can tell he's felt freaked out by the whole thing - it's a massive deal! I'm not surprised he's got a load of questions and worries at this stage, but as your bump grows and he sees the baby on scans etc it will start to become a lot more real for him and he'll realise the positives. Atm he's prob just dwelling on possible negatives. If he's as nice as you say he will come round.

MegsMog Wed 18-Oct-17 10:05:03

I think an unplanned pregnancy will always be quite shocking at first - even planned pregnancies can lead to a lot of worries! So I wouldn't take his reaction now to mean that he'll never be excited. I'm sure a lot of parents to be share his worries!

Obviously if you'd rather wait until a better time you have other options, but I'm sure you know that and I'm assuming by the tone of your post that you're set on keeping the pregnancy, so congratulations! It's a wild ride but utterly wonderful too.

Tinty Wed 18-Oct-17 10:09:46

How long have you and he known you were pregnant? It can take a while to come to terms with realising you are going to become a parent when it wasn't even something you had thought about. Give him time and yourself.

Mangopr1 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:31:07

Thanks everyone. I should maybe point out that he does already have children from another relationship (they are older) and so it's not 'new' for him I guess. I don't even know if I'm just being paranoid as when he's with me he does seem like he's genuinely trying to be normal, telling me he loves me, making me laugh etc... it's just the odd time I catch him off guard it seems that he's so full of worry I can read it on his face. He's very much a people pleaser though and it concerns me that he wouldn't tell me how he really felt for fear of hurting my feelings. I sound like a crazy paranoid lady right now I know haha. It's my first though and all new and scary for me! He knows what to expect and I don't! Thanks for the support though. When I have moments of clarity through all of the craziness I do believe he will come around eventually when things progress. I'm just a worry worm naturally!!

RedBlackberries Wed 18-Oct-17 10:41:18

It can make you feel really sad when partners or close family arnt enthusiastic about your pregnancy. My dh never really gets openly excited about much and didn't for our first planned one and definetly not for my current unplanned pregnancy. I think they see money worries, loss of freedom and more responsibilities before they see an exciting new life being made. They do come round and once you have the baby but I think naturally some men don't that that super excited, proud dad personality that you expect.

Mangopr1 Wed 18-Oct-17 10:57:10

Thanks, I think it's just the unplanned aspect of it to be honest that worries him the most and me to be honest. I suppose if even I'm feeling this way I should grant him the same courtesy! I don't doubt he'll be a brilliant father he is absolutely fantastic with his other children and adores them completely so I have no worries there. Thanks everyone! It feels very bizarre that you are just expected to get on with life as normal when so much has changed!

RedBlackberries Wed 18-Oct-17 11:18:05

I know what you mean! I felt nervous, unsure and stressed about becoming pregnant but I wanted/expected everyone close to me to be supportive and positive. It not a realistic expection grin.

Congratulations BTW!!

Csd17 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:00:21

I just had a baby 7 weeks ago after spending 20K on fertility treatment. Having a newborn is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I CouLD not have done it without my wife being 100% by my side. Your partner sounds wonderful but I would not want to start a family with someone who was not jumping for joy at the prospect.

Csd17 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:02:31

Oh wait this isn’t new for him. He already has kids. It’s probably just a shock then.. and the financial concerns. He will likely get used to the idea soon. Maybe he is someone who needs to think things through before getting emotional about it.

Csd17 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:03:31

Ps: most importantly, many congratulations. 💕

Mangopr1 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:48:02

It's not that he doesn't want a family. We've said from the start that he absolutely does want more kids eventually (it was a big deal for me to know that when we got together with him already having them) I think it's because we definitely did not expect it to be so soon!

Mangopr1 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:50:54

Thanks everyone I think I need to accept that it's a shock for everyone not just me. I'm worried and unsure myself and so I need to allow him to be. To his credit he is doing his best to make me feel better but is allowed his own feelings. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who was nervous at first!

EdgarAllenPoe Wed 18-Oct-17 15:25:36

I think it's fair to ask about plans for work etc. It's a massive change and shows he's taking it seriously. If he's the practical type he'll probably feel better once you have some kind of plan in place. My pregnancies were planned but it's still sometimes difficult to get excited when there's nothing to see. It usually changes when you gave scans, start showing etc.

spicedpeach Wed 18-Oct-17 15:39:57

Hi @Mangopr1 - I'm going through the exact same thing. He is really quiet and freaked out at the moment and it's to be expected but I kind of wish he'd be a tiny bit excited - we only found out yesterday though! It's something we always wanted, but like you it was unplanned and we've already had two MCs which I think is scaring us both (no DC currently) we've been together over 6 years.

Sit down with him listen to any concerns and just give it time - hoping once we see the baby at the scan for the first time it'll make everything more real, maybe it'll be the same for you.

And ... Congratulations!

Mangopr1 Mon 23-Oct-17 09:23:29

Hi everyone.

Since my post i found out i have I have miscarried. I feel completely heart broken.

Now i feel like a different person. Before the thought of waiting a few years was fine to me, thats what i wanted. Now i want this right now. I feel like ive lost something so massive and i NEED it back. Like i wont ever be happy until i have it. I feel completely ridiculous to even think this way after it was so unplanned but i cant help it.

My partner does not want to try again. Not yet. He wants to stick to our original plan of waiting until we are 'ready' but that thought makes me entirely miserable. It also doesnt help that he already has children so i feel like this doesnt matter to him because he already has what i feel like ive lost the opportunity for. Now everytime i see him with his children i cry.

I want to go back to feeling normal and content with the way our life is and taking 'one step at a time'. But that just seems completely boring to me now. I saw my life taking a different path just for a moment and now all i want is to be back on it the thought of waiting so long for that feeling again makes me physically sick.

How do you get over this if you arent even comforted by the fact that you can try again straight away.

I feel so alone.

elmo1980 Mon 23-Oct-17 09:56:34

Oh mango I'm so sorry that's horrible news. I completely understand that feeling of not wanting to go back to how you were before you found out you were pregnant, when I miscarried I was desperate to get pregnant again and nothing really felt the same.

All I can say is be kind to yourself and your partner (and him to you) just keep talking about how you're feeling - no judging on either side just be honest with each other and you will get through this.

flowers

Mangopr1 Mon 23-Oct-17 10:42:41

Thank you.

I just have so many emotions. I feel so much anger towards myself. And him for denying me the chance to have what he has with his kids. But that's totally unfair I know sad

He thinks I should just be okay now. He is being lovely as he always is but I can tell he doesn't understand why I'm so upset.

I used to love watching him with his kids. But for the past few days it's been like someone is literally stabbing my chest every time.

I really don't want this to come between us but I feel like we want such completely different things now and all in the space of a week.

ethelfleda Mon 23-Oct-17 11:07:23

Congratulations!

How long has he known?
It is a big deal and I would expect most people will have a 'holy shit what the hell' moment about it. I spent much of my 1st trimester feeling that way and ours was planned!
Give him some time to get used to the idea. I'm sure he will come through for you!

ethelfleda Mon 23-Oct-17 11:09:45

I'm so so Sorry! I just read your update! How insensitive of me to not RTFT!!

I wish I had some good advice for you op flowers x

AnUtterIdiot Mon 23-Oct-17 12:08:09

Mango I am so sorry flowers

I would say: give yourself a bit of time. It's normal to be devastated even if you were a bit ambivalent about being pregnant and it's normal to want to try again immediately afterwards - I think we're hardwired to feel that way. I definitely felt that way immediately after I miscarried last year, but by the time I was in a fit state physically to try again (it took about 5 weeks) I didn't actually want to anymore, I wanted a break from it all and we didn't try again for about six months. I do think it's a good time to have a chat with your partner about whether he really wants more children and if he does then when he's likely to want them - not an unreasonable conversation for adults to have after a year together anyway. But I had to keep reminding myself that my body was teeming with hormones and that what I wanted wasn't necessarily what I actually wanted (if you see what I mean) and I wouldn't know until things had settled down.

AnUtterIdiot Mon 23-Oct-17 12:08:59

If he seriously thinks you should be OK now he needs his sodding head examined. It's literally not something he will ever physically experience for himself and he should respect and acknowledge your feelings even if he doesn't understand them.

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